Good morning/afternoon everyone. Let me start by introducing myself. My name is Joshua, and I am active duty military. So far I have served for 16 years. I am still currently married, and that marriage has been for 14 years. I have two children, a daughter who is 13 and a son that is 11. Now please let me give you a historical run down of my marriage. Right out of the gates it didn't start off on the right foot. When we first met she had an on again off again boyfriend. Her and I started dating. Her grandmother became ill and passed away. I did not go back home with her for the funeral, as I thought our relationship had not yet reached that level. I hadn't met any of her family. She brought her on again off again and ended up cheating on me. I sensed it. I confronted her about it and she denied it. We progress, even though deep down I knew, I didn't have confirmation, but I knew. I began to fall in love with this woman. Eventually I told her what I wanted. I sent her to him, I told her to figure things out, but she had to make a choice, not that she couldn't stay friends with him or anything to that effect, but if she was to choose me, then I was the one. No more on again off again stuff. She chose me. We got married, on the night of our marriage she confirmed the adultry. Pretty shitty start. in the first year of our marriage we had my daughter. and a few months after that I deployed.
While I was on deployment, she reconnected with a past boyfriend. I did not know about this. She recieved a blanket from him. One of those heavy (fake) mink ones. It was yellow. Her favorite color. While on deployment, oddly I bought her a blanket (fake) mink, heavy, the exact same blanket. Only a different design. I got home from deployment and she already had a blanket, I was like crap... It stayed on our bed and mine was closeted. The contact continued with out my knowing. Eventually I got a feeling that something was of. I checked phone records and hacked email. The email conversations that I read clearly showed that there was more than catching up with an old friend. Phone records show that phone calls ended right as I got home from work. We had a fight. She swears that she never physically met up with him, that she was lonely with a baby at home. So we roll on. We transfer out of state, the farthest she has every been from everyone she has ever known. Now, I'm not the type of guy that likes valentines day, or even birthdays. I feel gifts mean less when they are "forced" because of a specific day. I think a gift given on a random june 2nd as opposed to mothers day is more meaningful. I had never purchased my wife jewelry. I decided to get her a necklace. I shopped around and had one custom built. I wanted it to be a surprise. It took several days and I had to ditch out of work. While I was ditching one of her friends saw me driving around town while I was supposed to be at work. We fought about it, it felt like she was accusing me of cheating, meanwhile I was trying to do something nice. Ultimately I didn't tell her what I was doing until the necklace was ready. I believe she honestely felt bad. I felt like I don't know why I even tried. I was pretty beat up about it. She bent over backwards for the next 7 or 8 years. She was amazing. She knew about it, I even asked for a divorce, and then a few weeks later took it back. She wasn't going to give it to me with out a fight anyways. During this time, a mutual friend of ours whom I confided in, started to develope feelings for me. She sent me pictures, the kind that I should have deleted, but being a man, I saved them.
I did not say anything to my wife, and I did not act on them as I was still emotionally attached to this other woman. My wife and I moved on from this emotional affair. I dropped contact with the other woman. We were still together, but not great over all. My wife was still devoted though.
I deployed again.
While on deployment I met a girl. A troubled youth, to me, more like a kid sister. I was drawn to her, bu not in a romantic way. She was misguided, had troubles with drugs and with self esteem. I gave her alot of attention. I have not had contact with her in two years and my wife knows about her, but feels there was more. I can honestly say there was not. Then in July of 2016, while on a detachment I on a bet, took a cocktail waitress out. I flirted with her, I could have probably done anything I wanted to, but, what I did was go hiking and take her to breakfast. It was on a bet that I couldn't do it. Actually at breakfast I came clean to her, told her about my wife and my family. My wife knows about that as well. In december, my wife filed for divorce. Right before I was set to leave on deployment. Our 90 day reconcile period took place while I was on the ship.
The divorce is not final, there is still paperwork that I need to sign that I have not seen. She is no longer staying at the house. She has reconnected with a lot of her friends from her past. She also has been going out more than I like. I feel like I have to let her do her thing. Another thing that I should add, I realize I haven't been the best husband. I think that I am genuinely a good man.
I am an alcoholic.
I am currently in my 21st week of sobriety and I'm working on quiting smoking. I have also dropped about 30lbs. I am working on me. I have an urge that I am trying to fight and that urge is working on us. I don't know how to do it. The kids help, I am so busy with thier schedules that I almost don't have time for anything else. I realise the errors in my ways, I want my wife back. Advice? Questions? anything can help. I'm sure there is more that can be pulled out with the right questions this is intented to be a quick run down.
Thanks
Last edited by Cadet; 04/24/1803:03 AM. Reason: carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Revik, I have to point out a huge error in thinking in your original post:
"She sent me pictures, the kind that I should have deleted, but being a man, I saved them. "
Being a man? A man would have said "I am married, do not send these to me anymore." A man would have blocked her so no more photos could come through. A man would have nipped it in the bud before photos were even sent.
A boy is one who not only encourages the photos, but enjoys them and keeps them.
You need to adjust your thinking about what constitutes a man if you have any hope of ever moving your MR to R.
You seem to have a bit of Nice Guy Syndrome too. That is the kind of guy that says: "Another thing that I should add, I realize I haven't been the best husband. I think that I am genuinely a good man."
"But! I am a nice guy!" Being a good man means you don't expect rewards for being "good". Being a good man means that you strive to be the best husband you can be.
You still have a lot of work to do on yourself if you ever hope to have a successful relationship in the future.
Oh, and thank you for your service! I genuinely view you as a hero, despite the 2x4 I just planted against your skull.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I have no hard feelings towards you Steve, I will reflect on what you have said. I'm sure there is some truth in it, if not maybe even all of it, maybe... I do realise that I have not always done things right in the past, and that I probably will make mistakes in the future. Not sure if you were trying to get a rise out of me or what, but I can get behind the message you are attempting to send. It wasn't the right thing to do in keeping the pictures. I did however put a stop to them, and when I initially recieved them, I didn't see them coming. Honestly caught me off guard. I may come across as feeling sorry for myself, I am not trying to come off that way, nor am I trying to actually feel that way. Either way, your points will be reflected on, Thank you.
Also, I believe I already know the answer to this question. My wife is not living at home, and doesn't have her own place. She should be moving into her own place in May. Divorce was filed in December, our 90 reconcile period is over. However while I was deployed stipulations in the divorce changed, so the final filing hasn't been done, as there are papers I need to sign and I haven't seen them yet. They are probably in the mail somewhere, headed to a ship that I am no longer on, eventually they will find me. In the interim, since it is not my desire to divorce, I should probably just not say anything about the papers right?
I have no hard feelings towards you Steve, I will reflect on what you have said. I'm sure there is some truth in it, if not maybe even all of it, maybe... I do realise that I have not always done things right in the past, and that I probably will make mistakes in the future. Not sure if you were trying to get a rise out of me or what, but I can get behind the message you are attempting to send. It wasn't the right thing to do in keeping the pictures. I did however put a stop to them, and when I initially recieved them, I didn't see them coming. Honestly caught me off guard. I may come across as feeling sorry for myself, I am not trying to come off that way, nor am I trying to actually feel that way. Either way, your points will be reflected on, Thank you.
No I wasn't trying to get a rise out of you. I wss trying to get you to see that you have to work on you. That you have changes to make. Not just in action but in thinking. No mote playing the innocent victim. Own your stuff.
Also look up Nicg Guy Syndrome. I had a bad case of it myself. Maybe you don't have it, but if you do you need to work on it too.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I will look up the Nice Guy Syndrome. It sounds like you might be able to figure it out by thinking about the name, but something tells me there is more to it than that. You are not wrong that a change in thinking is needed as well. I believe I have started, but I know there is more to go. Like with the alcohol, I have set goals, I'm almost half way to my alcohol goal of one year. After that one year, I'm going to shoot for two. My mindset on a lot of things has changed, but not quite everything yet. Today, so far, marks the first day I have had no contact with my wife. Normally I will tell her about my sons baseball game and how that went, and there is random small talk via text. However today I said nothing, I only posted video of my son drawing a walk on Instagram.
