Maika- I understand what youre saying and yeah, youre probably spot on.
I'm not going to hold my breath on the MC thing though, even if things start turning around I dont know how quickly she'd be open to the idea.
I'm worried about this whole medical thing. She knows we have insurance and it would cover er visits for her, but she chose to pay out of pocket. I feel like she did it knowing id see the transaction and is reaching for attention, you know? I dont want to reinforce that she can get my attention if she is in trouble if that makes sense. I dont want her to do something stupid if I reach out now, then go back to no contact.
On the other hand I love and care about her. I dont think it would be anything life threatening, but if I dont reach out I'm just the guy who doesnt care and she feels unsupported again.
raws - it's really messy to try and read into what your partner is doing and not doing. what it means and does not mean. maybe she did it because she forgot insurance info. maybe she did it so you could see it. maybe she did it because she doesn't want to rely on you. It could be a number of things.
I'd not focus on that because you're not going to get an answer. Understand what you can control - your actions stemming from your values. You care about her despite what she has done, so send her a short text and leave it at that. don't follow up unless she reaches out and then you can take it from there.
She's tried to remove herself and everything about her very dramatically from your life. I'd give her a wide berth and tons of space.
So, send that text and do something to get your mind off her.
I forgot I was also a little worried about a possible TRO but havent recieved any notification or anything yet so maybe I'm making nothing into something.
I'm gonna give it a few hours so she doesnt think im constantly checking the account. I'll probably send it sometime this evening. I'll keep you updated.
sounds good. if she responds back, I'd highly recommend that you come here and post what you want to write back and get feedback. At least for a little while until you feel more grounded.
Just heard on a podcast last night - letting your emotions drive is like being a passenger with a drunk driver. Emotions will come and go. So, just buckle up for a while and doing nothing is infinitely better than doing something.
I hope your W is okay and it's not a serious medical issue.
That's okay. That is why this is the time for you to figure that out and reflect critically on what makes you happy and what you need from a partner.
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I know I dont want someone else
I know how that feels. You're feeling this because you're in the throes of your pain and hurt. The wounds are still bleeding and all you want to do is have it stop. And right now you think that her coming back is what's going to stop the bleeding - it's not. You're also feeling a loss of control, stability, and grounding. Your identity is tied up so much with yourself as a husband and partner, that you're neglecting who you are outside of that for yourself. Who is raws as a man? I'd like to get an answer to that question. What are raws's values and priorities for himself in life? Those are the questions you need to answer.
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I'd like to have a happy, healthy marriage, I'm just not sure thats even possible anymore.
Listen, I am not far in my sitch to tell you that it's going to be alright at the end of the tunnel and that you'll have a happy and healthy marriage, with your current W or someone else. But you know what, I've seen plenty of folks here who are absolute success stories and have found new partners who have given them even more fulfilling lives. So, I know it's possible. But it's tied to improving yourself, finding out who you are, what your values are, and what you won't tolerate in life.
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I'm so confused. I love her, but do I want to deal with this?
It's okay to be confused. You're in the LBS fog, which is the opposite of the WW fog - you believe everything is your fault and you internalize that. You see you MR through rose-tinted glasses and minimize your W's faults. The more you GAL, self-reflect, give her and yourself space, the fog starts to lift and you are able to detach and think objectively. Right now, you need to trust the DB process instead of worrying about the outcomes. The outcome will definitely be a better and healthy you; if your MR gets saved in the process, that's a bonus.
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I know I cant fix her, shes got to do it herself.
Yes, absolutely. If she came back, I would insist on her going through IC before you even consider working on the MR with her.
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Am I supposed to just sit in this empty house until she figures it out? I'm feeling pretty lost right now.
Nahhh!! get your lazy a$$ out of the house and start living your life. You don't have to move on from her yet, but you have to move forward - which means finding GAL, thinking about where you fell short and making improvements. In your case, you've already made huge improvements, and so I'd think about how to spend time with other people, expand your social network, and figuring out who you are and what your values are.
It's okay to feel lost. We all did. But, we're here a few months removed from BD, following the DB process, seeing that there is light at the end of the tunnel for all of us.
Dust up and just do something, even if it feels kinda inauthentic. Last thing you want to do is sit and ruminate and wallow in self-pity. For sure you can grieve and process your emotions, but get out and find what makes you happy outside of your MR.
I know where you're at emotionally man. I was there. It won't stay that way forever. Just grind through the process and don't suppress your emotions - go see an IC if you need to. I did and it helped me tremendously.
We're here for you and got your back. Come and post here your thoughts and what you want to do. The folks here saved my life. Honestly. I dunno where I would've been if I hadn't come across this forum. You can do this!
Sorry for reposting this whole thing but Maika's advice is pure gold and you really should take this one to heart. This is your roadmap. We are not telling you to abandon your M and look for someone else. But we ARE telling you that you can't fix your W. Right now even though you're super lonely, separation is the BEST thing for both of you. It'll give her time to reflect and realize that you are NOT the source of her problems and it'll give you time to reset and wean yourself off of your co-dependence with her. Use this time to read, study, work on yourself, and get out and GAL. You've got plenty of time so don't panic!
Maika- I understand what youre saying and yeah, youre probably spot on.
I'm not going to hold my breath on the MC thing though, even if things start turning around I dont know how quickly she'd be open to the idea.
I'm worried about this whole medical thing. She knows we have insurance and it would cover er visits for her, but she chose to pay out of pocket. I feel like she did it knowing id see the transaction and is reaching for attention, you know? I dont want to reinforce that she can get my attention if she is in trouble if that makes sense. I dont want her to do something stupid if I reach out now, then go back to no contact.
On the other hand I love and care about her. I dont think it would be anything life threatening, but if I dont reach out I'm just the guy who doesnt care and she feels unsupported again.
Does that make sense?
She's not paying out of pocket to get your attention. She doesnt want you to know or get access to any of her health info.. but still seeking you to fund.
Just stay no contact about this, or you look like your invading her privacy but in a manipulative nice guy sort of way.
It seems like his W went to the ER and paid out of pocket. I don't care why she did that even if she had insurance. But I think it's perfectly okay to reach out and say that hope she's doing okay and leave it at that.
You can still be compassionate without looking manipulative. And if she reads his genuine concern as manipulation, then that's on her.
Thabks AS. I agree, Maika is dropping truth and knowledge. I understand exactly what you guys are saying.
As far as the disagreement between juju and maika on what to do; she has enough money to cover the 180 herself but chose not to. She used joint funds from a joint account. Additionally, she is still covered on my insurance. She could have used that and not had to pay a thing and I might never have known she was there. Instead, she chose to pay out of pocket with "our" (my) money knowing id see the transaction. I feel like she is looking for me to reach out and break the silence, either so she can open up comms or so she can feel perused or feel like I gave in first. I dont know, though. There might be another reason.
If I ignore it she for sure gets even more pissed than she already is and who knows what she does next. This is a tough choice, I feel like I lose either way
