Keep reading and keep posting. Its time to love yourself. Learning to love yourself is hard. Stop checking up on her, stop snooping, detach, once your are truly detach her social life wont affect you at all. As LBS we take every little thing to mean it's over. And we also take any little sign the WW or WAS give us to mean we have hope.
Once you realize there is always hope, you will be ok. But hope don't always come when and how we want it to come. Start working, start living, start loving and you will start to see the world for how beautiful it truly is. You are the prize, it's time for you to start living that way.
It's easier said then done, your changes won't happen over night. They will come gradually. Take your time, you will make mistakes, you will fall, but keeping getting up and you will start to see how resilient you truly are. It's nothing more attractive than a confident, resilient person.
Smile, smile, and laugh. You will have enough days of long hurtful thoughts, so smile and laugh as often as possible.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Youre right juju, it does hurt. I kmow she doesnt want anything to do with me now, I just feel like this is all so unnecessary.
I think she was expecting me to chase after her and try to beg for her to come back. When that didnt happen she blocked me to try to get me to react again. Everything she did, the way she did it, the fact she took my cat and my truck, she did to try to get a reaction. Either to make me beg for her forgiveness or to have a reason/excuse to say "see, hes an a-hole" and leave for good.
Is that kinda what you mean by painting a picture?
Thank you joejoe. I know deep down she loves me, but I think thats just covered up with anger now. I'm hoping she cant stay angry much longer and burns herself out. Still no contact, im just hoping she opens a line of communication sometime soon. Thanks for taking the time to respond to me. It helps.
raws, you're in good hands with jujuB and joejoe and so I won't crowd your thread with more information.
I will say this though
1. Respect the No Contact. Just give her space. You think there is a TRO that came in the mail. If you think so, be very careful. Don't do something stupid that you will regret later.
2. Don't act out of emotion. Better to do nothing than something.
3. Don't do something with the thought - what does she want me to do or if she wants to see a specific reaction. That is a lose-lose situation. she will find something wrong no matter what choice you make. Only make choices that feel true to your values and who you are.
4. But right now, your emotions are driving you, and you need to stop that. so, what feels true to you and who you are is skewed. That's why slow down.
5. Self-care is first right now. You cannot operate in a healthy way if you are not grounded. You need to make this your top priority.
Btw, I know how it feels to be discarded and just treated like garbage. That you don't matter one bit and that the history means nothing. It is a horrible place to be emotionally. You have to get out of there first before you can do anything productive.
I will quote another poster - Tread - who had said that it is better if the LBS just moves forward with their life without thinking about recon from the very beginning of BD. I cannot concur more. I know it's hard, but getting your mindset right is most of the battle.
Thank you Maika. Those are all great bits of advice and I will follow them as closely as I can.
"Btw, I know how it feels to be discarded and just treated like garbage. That you don't matter one bit and that the history means nothing. It is a horrible place to be emotionally. You have to get out of there first before you can do anything productive."
^^^ this 100%. Its like our whole marriage just went away with one click of the block button. Im pretty sure I made a facebook on her recommendation when we first started dating. Our whole marriage and time dating was on there. Its rough.
Yeah I know man. My W told me that she was unhappy during the whole MR - which was news to me because I remember plenty of happiness. She had rewritten the entire marital history, and it made me feel like $hit.
You come to realize that they have distorted the history to justify and rationalize their decision. So, you have to let it dust off your shoulders - easier said than done, i know.
That's why slow down, reflect, and GAL. All good stuff for self-care. You are not as horrible as she's making you out to be. And if I read it correctly, I think this is totally about her and her issues, and nothing to do with you. jujuB has already pointed that out so I won't regurgitate.
Yeah I know man. My W told me that she was unhappy during the whole MR - which was news to me because I remember plenty of happiness. She had rewritten the entire marital history, and it made me feel like $hit.
You come to realize that they have distorted the history to justify and rationalize their decision. So, you have to let it dust off your shoulders - easier said than done, i know.
That's why slow down, reflect, and GAL. All good stuff for self-care. You are not as horrible as she's making you out to be. And if I read it correctly, I think this is totally about her and her issues, and nothing to do with you. jujuB has already pointed that out so I won't regurgitate.
So true. I think hearing the rewriting of the MR history is probably one of the hardest things to hear. One other thing I read is that when the WAS does this, it is usually because they are projecting the last few weeks, month, or years onto the entire MR. So if you were married for 20 years, she was unhappy for the last year, that last year will be really what she is talking about.
When my wife drop the "I don't want to be married anymore" bomb she then went on to say that she had tried to make things better for 19 years. Remember, they blame you for all of it. They take no blame themselves. There are always plenty of things both spouses did or didn't do to get the MR to the point it is. Rarely, can it all be pinned on one spouse. (Usually in those cases it is physical abuse.)
Maika is dead on here. Don't put a lot of stock into the history. Before I found DBing I thought, "Wow, she was so unhappy for 19 years, there is no hope." I took what she was saying at face-value until it was pointed out to me that she was rewriting history. I could back to lots of times, some good some bad, where our MR was really good. And she was as much at fault during the times it wasn't as I was, in many cases more!
But yes, to hear your spouse, whom you love, say that they've never been happy is very hard. Until you realize that it is just not true.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The biggest issues lately were her feeling like I dont support her or believe in . shes got some pretty lofty goals as an athlete (olympics) and she thinks I dont believe she can accomplish them.
It sounds like you've been supporting her financially throughout her training effort, but what about emotionally? Have you been making her feel like she's in over her head or is that just her perception? Also, and this is a more tricky question- IS she in over her head? Are her actual abilities falling far short of her goals? I've been there before, trying to support someone in their efforts while also trying to figure out how to be honest with them as their expectations were well beyond their actual abilities. There's this belief that's particularly popular among younger people that you can do anything you set your mind to, but realistically some people are genetically gifted athletes and others are not. It's great to try to achieve goals but I'm also a big believer in being realistic.
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I pay for just about everything so she can go to school and train full time. I think i saw that as support where as she may have needed more on the emotional side.
OK so you partially answered the above, and I am sure you are right about that. Strangely when you support someone financially they can come to resent you for it, especially if you're not giving them the emotional support with it.
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I also have a hobby that takes up a lot of time though my goals arent as lofty. I thought having something I was interested in would give us each something to do. When I quit drinking I had so much time and she was always training so i needed to stay busy.
I would say you are taking the right approach there, you SHOULD have your own interests. My ex and I always talked about how one of the things that made our M strong was that we had common interests AND separate interests. We did some things together and some things apart. That's part of a healthy relationship. M's can fail anyway (as mine shows) but you maintaining some independence is certainly not the problem.
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She's got friwnds around her who are very suppoetive and encouraging. I guess she feels like I wasnt a good enough cheerleader. Ive always been proud of her accomplishments and hard work. I'm just not a very ra-ra person.
I can personally relate to that, but you need to change. You need to become a very ra-ra person! Not so easy, but it pays off in your relationships with your W and kids big time.
Originally Posted By: JujuB
"She was looking at you under a microscope to see if your changes were real"
Is this really how anyone wants to live for 3 years? Under a microscope?
We all originally came here or are here now because we're being subjected to a change of life that we do not want, so I'm not really sure what your question is. Of course no one wants to live under a microscope. No one "wants" to DB either, and no one "wants" to get BD'd, or separated, or divorced. Part of DB'ing is changing yourself and giving your spouse space and time to appreciate your changes. It can take years. It is not fun. No one does it by choice, it is hard work.
So just came home to find a letter from the police dept addressed to my wife. Ive got a friend visiting and hes engaged to an officer who says it's probably a restraining/protection order for my wife. I didnt open it but I'm pretty sure thats what it is. This is totally unexpected and is absolutely out of the blue. I love my wife and have never threatened her. This is driving me crazy
I can't imagine that's what it is, and maybe it isn't. My W and I had to fill out some paperwork for our marriage counselor and I snooped (learned my lesson later!) and she had made some comments about physical abuse. I was shocked! I had never touched her! I was getting really worried that she was trying to build a case for taking the kids by playing the abuse card. I could hardly sleep thinking of what she was doing. A few days later we had the counseling session and it came up in there and my W explained how she had been abused by a former BF before we had met. The stupid thing was I even knew about that, but in my panicked post-BD state I saw conspiracy everywhere. So take a deep breath, maybe it's nothing.
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My friend talked me through it all a bit. He thinks that since shes always feeling like shes not contributing financially shes got no control in the r and is insecure about the power she has and compensated by exerting control by belittling me to empower herself. She didnt feel like an equal partner in the m.
I know he's just trying to help you but I think armchair counseling is not the best way to go about it. You don't know what she's thinking and neither does he. In fact, SHE probably doesn't know what she's thinking. That's kind of the nature of the whole WAS syndrome, nothing makes sense, nothing can be explained. Part of DB'ing is learning to accept you don't know what's going on and will probably never know.
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Maybe this is her way of trying to get back in control? I dont know.
It's far more likely that she is just confused and in turmoil and doesn't know what she wants. That's why time and space helps, it gives her privacy to sort through her feelings.
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Ive been thinking a lot about what went wrong. I definitely think I got a bit lazy, sure. But it also might not be as much my fault as I think it is.
It almost never is. Marriages typically fail because both spouses quit trying. Have you read the 5 Love Languages? It's a great book and I really took a lot of it to heart, especially the "bank account" and "love tank" analogies. I definitely work at keeping my GF's love tank full, and it pays off big time because when her tank is full she WANTS to fill mine. When both spouses sit back and wait for the other to fill their love tank then neither ever makes a move and both of their tanks just slowly drain away to nothing and the resentment builds. Usually both have thought about BD'ing the other, but once one finally makes that move it triggers a strange reaction in the other where they forget they were unhappy and suddenly feel like they will die if they don't get their spouse back.
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We argued a lot about money. She trained full time (6-7 times a week, mornings and evenings tues. Thurs.)and recently started going to school (wed. Friday). She didnt really contribute much financially and because she was training or at school she didnt really contribute as much as I probably would have liked around the house.
She would come home and just seem upset. She would get on me for not doing more around the house. I leave for work at 645 and get home around 430 and some days not until 530/6. Some days we were just able to say hi/bye between work and each of our trainings.
^^^All of that sounds like a very broken, unhappy relationship.
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In an effort to make her happy ive made a real effort to help around the house more. Dishes, Laundry, whatever. It still didnt seem to help. If it wasnt the house it was money.
That's all very beta behavior at a time you need to be more alpha and extert yourself as a strong, independent man. Being Susie Homemaker is not going to make her more attracted to you.
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She felt like she didnt have freedom to do what she wanted. Shed spend money and get upset when I would ask if the things she was buying were necessary. She would get offered camps and seminars that would cost 300+ and hotel fees on top of that and id be expected to just make it happen. Shes in the nicest workout clothes and I'm in the same stuff ive had for years. That never really bothered me, I enjoy being able to do nice things and get her nice things, I just didnt feel appreciated for it.
Sounds like a lot of resentment on both sides. One way around this might have been to sit down and agree on a monthly allocation for her. Give her a budget that is hers, no questions asked. If she has to exceed that budget in a month then she comes to you to discuss it. If she stays within her budget then no discussion is needed. I can see both sides of this issue, she resented having to explain every little purchase to you and you resented her spending money freely without thinking about the financial implications. This is all due to a lack of communication.
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I havent reached out to her since Wednesday. I figured if shes angry enough to leave like that shes gottta cool down a bit if im gonna get anywhere.
Yes, exactly! You've got plenty of time. Just settle down and relax and give her time and space.
