Advice on my scenario - Narc / Limerence?

[sandi2]

I wonder if the length of it matters? i

No, I'm pretty sure 25yrsmlc and I have tested the board's endurance for lengthy posts.

[OrangeK]

Sandi, it seems to not like the Copy/Paste im trying to do with your first post. So bear with me, ill just answer them in numerical order here without Copy Paste.

1.) Do i know about her past?
Yes and No. I feel like i know as much as i will at this point, but there was a fair amount about her past i never was told when we first met and began dating. Some things she told me about (her EX and their breakup for example) i got VERY embellished versions of the truth.

2.) Did she leave her ex for me?
No, they broke up about 8 months before her and i met. She took off out of state for a few months after that relationship ended. This is the first time (After looking into her past) that i noticed she went into "SOCIAL MEDIA BLACKOUT" like she is doing right now. She seems to do this in between relationships, or at least she did in between her EX and I (while she was out of state living with some random guy ive never met). She is doing the same "SOCIAL MEDIA BLACKOUT" right now, she hasnt posted anything to do with our M, her affair, or her OM. OM on the other hand i think has gotten sick of being the "Secret boyfriend" and has posted a few things with Him, my W and my son.

3.) Things Moved Fast, Explain?
Yes they did. We slept together first time we ever dated. I have since seen a screenshot from her claming she was "falling madly in love" with me 6 days before we actually began talking..... our relationship went straight to exclusive dating, we moved in together within 6 months and she was pregnant at our 1 year anniversary, i just didn't learn about my sons forthcoming birth until 3 months before it happened. Looking back i feel like some of the rapid pace things moved should have been a bit of a warning.

4.) Why did she hide Pregnancy?
I honestly have no idea, i had mentioned before that i wanted to wait till about 32-33 to have kids, and i told her i was open to thinking about having a family together, we hadn't even begun discussing marriage at this point. She knew about the Preg because her Ex-best friend told me about a conversation the two of them had about her feeling our son move in July of 14'. I found out by noticing the bump in Oct (she never actually TOLD me about the baby). He was born the following Jan.

5.) do i know any friends from her past?
Yes, and they have since told me she has done things like this before. As i said any stories from her past ended up being altered versions of the truth when she told me about them. Like the mean EX who is actually a decent guy.

6.) Why cant she have our son Full Time?
Her job is very important to her, and shes in an apprenticeship program. Her shift is odd, like 10am-8pm. So even on days "she has our son" overnight i still am the one to pick him up from school and i drop him off with W's Mother.
She couldn't do full time parenting, she would have to quit her job which she wont do. Her mother is the only person in her life that can help with our son. She has no real friends anymore after the affair, and not much family locally. I am imperative in being able to maintain her lifestyle, after all if she has our son full time when can she party with OM??!

6.) I will not drop out of sight, whether i am successful or fail in R of M, i will stay here to report my story as long as people can heal from my Exp.

7.) False Charges?
I think she didn't know fully, or legally what would take place when she called to "report damages". The State automatically applied the TRO because she is my wife, Domestic.

Sandi, i reached out to you so i might better understand what shes going through, what caused her to stray, and if her limerence will end with OM. They have been seeing each other for about a year now. I found out about OM 7 months ago, this is also when she left to "live with her mom and take space"
We have been Full NC because of TRO since Jan.

im not chasing, im not begging, but i want to try and fix my M. For our son, and for ourselves. She needs help and is in a dark place.
The few photos ive seen that OM has posted she looks misrable, a fake forced smile on her face.
i dont think she ever meant for things to get this public or ugly, but she did that herself with her sloppy Affair cover ups. For crying out loud there was a VIDEO i saw of her at a party snuggling and holding hands with OM from back in Sept. She still denied having a relationship when i brought this up (in Oct).

the last time we spoke, at a very useless MC Meeting she said she wanted a D for the 3rd time but still hadn't done anything to initiate it. That she didn't love me anymore and "we didn't have a marriage"
She also was still claiming OM wasn't her "Boyfriend" (she would get mad when id call him that)
they weren't dating and were just friends. I had caught her at his house 2 days prior to that.

I look forward to your insight sandi and i will keep posting and GAL'ing.

S

[sandi2]

Well, I have to tell you that I think there's more to this than waywardness. There are too many strange things, at least they don't make sense to me. In other words, she is repeating past behaviors. She was not forthcoming about her past, her pregnancy, and other issues.

Now, I am don't want to sound as if I'm passing judgement, b/c God knows I have no business judging anyone else.......so please don't misunderstand me, as I stumble around to express my thoughts. At times it sounds as if she had an agenda. She has been out of her first M only 8 months, and she's claiming to be madly in love with a man she hasn't even started talking to. Then on the first date she has sex with him, and IDK which one pushed for an exclusive relationship.......but my question is what's the rush? And, don't forget that she didn't want you knowing about her past. But the most confusing part of all of this is hiding her pregnancy for six months! I don't she hid it, or why. It just goes against what is considered "normal" actions of a pregnant woman who is in R with the man she loves. You are a better person than I am. I would have been so furious that I would have demanded an explanation! What did she say when you saw for yourself that she was pregnant? Did she deny it?

IDK why I am getting so worked up about it, except that her behavior is so unacceptable in an intimate relationship. Did her mother know about the pregnancy, or could you tell for sure? Do you know much about her parents? It makes me wonder who or what has impressed your W to keep secrets to this degree.

Does she have trouble trusting people?

Does she have trouble keeping a friend?

Have you seen your W manipulative in other ways or with other people?

Could she be considered a pathological liar, in your opinion?

You were not pleased with the MC. Why?

I wish I could be a lot more encouraging, or even give specific steps on what you should do at the moment. I don't know what's going on with your W. I've seen some bad behavior before, but this whole thing is too odd for me to say she's just a cold, hard hearted, wayward wife. She certainly shows wayward actions, but I honestly think it's something more complicated.

[OrangeK]

I think you got confused about a few of the things. the message saying she was madly in love was about me it was just a few days before her and I actually begin talking. Still odd but it wasn't about om it was about me. Same thing with the sex on the first date thing. That was me. I'm not sure really very many details about her affair with om at all because she only ever told me it was a one-night stand and then denied having a relationship with him afterwards I just know that was not the case. as far as the pregnancy is concerned she told me that she didn't know, it involved complex explanations about birth control and she explained it well and I believed her. I even explained what she had told me to other people when they called the whole secret pregnancy into question, I was convinced that that was the truth then we were just kind of meant to have a child I guess. A lot of other things were going on, I lost my brother 9 days before my son was born so needless to say it was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster around that time in our lives. she definitely has trouble keeping friends, seems to alienate social groups whenever she changes a relationship. she acts very nice and trusting with everyone she meets but yes I have seen her be manipulative with other people. If you would ask me six months ago I would have never said she was a pathological liar but now I would say it's a good possibility. as far as marriage counseling was concerned I was putting in a full effort I wasn't pleased because she just used it as a manipulation tactic. she was the most amazing woman for the first 3 years of our 5-year relationship. I thought they were just normal ups and downs as we progressed through things like I said we dealt with a lot of stressful things through our relationship. What makes the least sense to me is that we finally had things going well, we had gotten married we had a nice place that we were living in together we both had good career prospects for the future. I thought it was supposed to be the start of like the Golden Age of our marriage our honeymoon phase our adorable son was advancing through the toddler years. I literally thought it was everything she ever wanted. as soon as everything was settled in she seems like she just got bored and very unhappy and had cold feet after the fact. Maybe she felt trapped. Maybe she's narcissistic, who knows. it just really is tough because I haven't had a chance to even communicate with her in any way shape or form for months. I know she's still seeing om but like I said honestly she looks miserable about it but she could just be stressed out in general. as it stands right now I filed a hold on the divorce because I want Her to take some action in all of this. She has taken no responsibility for anything. I am just going to continue doing my own thing and enjoying my time with my friends that I have been missing out on and have been making up for big time and looking forward for some nice weather to finally arrive so I can get outside and do the things that I love like hike and rock climb. I plan on strengthening my focus on my fire department activities as well as that has been on the back burner for a while for me period last but not least I want to spend as much time with my son enjoying the age that he's at while it lasts. He's three and a half and it's a wonderful stage of his life and I'm just so sad that it has to be mired with this unfortunate emotional upheaval. I hope I clarified a few things for you and I will keep posting as things develop I hope I clarified a few things for you and I will keep posting as things develop thank you so much.

[OrangeK]

same thing with the pregnancy, that was all during our relationship. That is our son that we have together. She has not gotten pregnant with om, at least not that I've heard of, that would be quite the shock.

[sandi2]

I think you got confused about a few of the things. the message saying she was madly in love was about me it was just a few days before her and I actually begin talking. Still odd but it wasn't about om it was about me. Same thing with the sex on the first date thing. That was me

I understood it was you. Sorry, that is just my style of writing.......and stating the facts.

[OrangeK]

Okay good. I didn't mean to think that you misunderstood I just wanted to make sure. What's your take on all of this? What do you think I should do? Can you give me any insight into what may be going on and her mind? I know that deep down she is a Sentimental person, and she is an amazing mother. I think she got really scared that her life was going to be boring and she felt trapped and just chose to deal with it in a very emotionally immature way

[sandi2]

The link below is to the first thread where I described the mindset and behavior of the wayward W. You can read it and decide if you think it sounds like your W.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Currently, your biggest problem to moving forward in the MR is the fact she has placed a barricade around herself. As long as there is a R.O., there is no action, that I know, you can do.

Here is what I see with H's who come to the board. This is the last place they turn for help, so things are really bad by the time they get here. The H's are in panic mode and want to grab a fire hose and start putting out fires. When we tell them not to pursue and focus on themselves, GAL, yada, yada.........they probably feel like we are handing them a bucket full of air.

I wish I could tell you something different, but I can't. I have no miracle formula. She might as well be sitting in a fortress, b/c the law is keeping her protected from you. Your job is to do NOTHING that violates that R.O. If you get arrested, then that is going to cause more problems for you. Even if there was no R.O., I would tell you not to contact her, not to try and persuade her or convince her to go back to you. It doesn't work that way. If she went back right now......she'd put you through this mess again. She has a problem.......and you cannot fix it. All you can do is make yourself the best man and father possible. Give her time to do whatever it is that she needs to do. If she wants to go back to you, then she will break the ice and pursue you. Maybe you will want her back, and maybe you won't. Right now, you are wanting "to do" something........but you aren't really hearing we are saying. Move forward with your life, and stop be obsessed with something to do to make her change her mind. Don't chase a woman who doesn't want to be with you.

[OrangeK]

Funny you say that Sandi, just in the last 2-3 days i have felt the weight of a lot of this lift from my shoulders.
like a light switch, i suddenly stopped caring if people told me what they saw about her online. I dont care where she goes or what she does anymore. I dont plauge my thoughts and stay up all night wondering on the what ifs anymore.
this forum has really helped with that. I wish i had found it much earlier on, as i may have been able to get a lot more accomplished in DB, but as you said you cant control others actions, and i no longer desire to do so. Convincing her i am what she needs would be pointless, not only does it make sense to say "be your best you and She and or others will want you, if you focus on yourself" but its really so true. If i was able to "Convince" her to come home and work on things, it wouldn't be truly genuine. It would be coerced, and in order to have any real healing, she needs to come back herself, because of herself.

i know my value, i have lifelong friends, good family, a good job, im a good dad and a good partner/husband. Im a public servant and a steward of nature.
I have skill, and value. If she ceased to see that, her loss.
I spent so much time being angry, jealous and bitter. What a waste of time and energy. Thank God i have paitent and understanding friends and family, i must have drove them nuts!

Im a passionate person, my vows meant the world to me. I wanted to be a one marriage guy, a family man. That was something i had to think about and change my stance on once i found out id be a dad. It was hard to do, but the second you hold your child in your arms, the chemical switches flip. I was sold right then and there.
If she cant see the long standing value in that, than so be it. She can be alone, or enjoy the fleeting shadows of love she will continue to chase throughout life.

I hope one day she learns the difference between "butterfiles" and love. Its sad to see her "chase the dragon" of limerence like this, i thought marraige and motherhood would break that streak, and i thought it had.
Tigers, changing their stripes, apples, and the distance they fall from trees and all that.

Ill keep you all posted as things develop.

thank you all for your attention time and support.

"Proudly it stands, until The Worlds End, the Victorious Banner of Love"
Blind Guardian
"The Maiden and the Minstrel Knight"
(ironically this was one of our wedding songs, but it was my selection, lol)

S

[OrangeK]

Wow. it still amazes me how quickly the emotions can shift. These completely random waves of anger/jealousy/regret/betrayal and injustice are so difficult to predict and manage.

GAL and NC are REALLY tough when you are, A.) completely unable to have any contact, even if you wanted it and B.) when you got no closure, no explanations, no remorse or regret or even tears from WW. She doesnt even seemingly care how our son is hurting over all of this, and if she does its likely "my fault".

Why do i still love someone i should in all honesty hate after all shes done to me?
The lasting effects of gaslighting and stonewalling are legit.
Emotional Abuse is no fun.

End Rant.