Has anyone gone through this type of thing with the pastors? Any idea of what to expect?
I am guessing some marital counseling from a Biblical perspective. This is not a bad thing. Also, since she is the one that set this up, support it!
You seem nervous about it. It is just talk. Just go discuss things with her and them. Spiritual leaders tend to be neutral and not take sides. They will probably have some things to say about mistakes you have both made. However, as you said, I highly doubt the pastor is going to advocate divorce, and it sounds like that is aligned with what you are hoping for as well.
Also, see it as a positive! She is willing to meet with you. Yes she wants others there but this is an opportunity to start showing her the new you!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm skeptical that this pastor intervention is good news. Typically this early in the process if the WAS brings a 3rd party in for any kind of counseling it's so they can check it off their list of "things I tried to do to save the marriage but that only proved it was over". I think she 100% wants out and she's laying the groundwork. That doesn't mean there's no chance of recon, but first she's got to come to believe that your changes are real, and that is going to take time, a lot of time.
Before you go to this read up on validation. That is ALL you should do for now. Listen and validate. Don't reason/ negotiate/ explain/ agree/ disagree/ argue/ debate. Just let her talk, and you VALIDATE her feelings and emotions. Period, end of story. You will be tempted to explain things, but don't because it will have zero impact on her. If you listen and validate then THAT will have an impact on her. Everything else will look and sound like "more of the same".
Even though you think your anger issues are solved and over, she doesn't think that. The terrible treatment is all still very fresh in her mind so you've got to give her time on that.
Getting back to the cheating, you say you were in contact with your affair partner even after you got married. Are you still in contact with her? If not with her, with others? I ask because a lot of people that cheat once do it over and over again, and that will completely wreck your chances of recon.
She has asked me to supply questions for her to think about. And I don't feel confident to ask anything prior since I have no idea where her head lays. I have not initiated contact with the women Inga blocked on social media and such and explained in the past that hey we can't talk for the sake of my relationship. She has mutiple times started new accounts and contacted that way. The last time was a few months ago and again it was informed that I'm not wanting to have her contacting me.
She has asked me to supply questions for her to think about. And I don't feel confident to ask anything prior since I have no idea where her head lays.
I completely agree. Tell her you don't have any questions at this time. Tell her you are taking this time to work on yourself and you would appreciate any feedback she can give to help you on that path. Tell her you will go in with an open mind and you are receptive to anything she has to say whether good or bad. DO NOT turn it into a R talk. I'm sure the pastor will try to steer it that way, but again, let your W do all the talking. Just listen and validate. If they ask your stance on the M it's fine to say you hope to save the M, but you understand you have a lot of work to do on yourself first.
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I have not initiated contact with the women Inga blocked on social media and such and explained in the past that hey we can't talk for the sake of my relationship. She has mutiple times started new accounts and contacted that way. The last time was a few months ago and again it was informed that I'm not wanting to have her contacting me.
Sometimes people want ANY attention even if it's negative attention. So even replying to her is feeding her need to hear from you. I would suggest never replying to her again. If she creates a new account and messages you, then delete it and move on.
Thank you guys. I appreciate the advice. After talking to the pastor and voicing my concern that Im worried I'm being led into a meeting to discuss our divorce.me has said that he is not aware of it being about that. I'm trying to find some comfort in that but I do have a huge issues trusting anyone. Other then validating her and just listening if questions for issues are brought up do I point out what I perceive as problems from my view or is it best to just keep it down
DO NOT BRING UP PROBLEMS FROM YOUR POINT OF VIEW at this point. When she wants to stay married, then you can bring up issues, but for now, listen and validate.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Thank you all. Thankfully I return to work Monday so I'll have a something to clear my head a little. To be honest Im still processing so much. I thought at first it was a cooling off while I was getting off the meds. Her mother did the same thing to her dad a couple of years ago. Just walked away for a month because she was mad. Refused to talk until she decided. I'm hoping it's similar. It's hard when we learn from other horrible relationships. The counslor Apointment went well for myself and left me with alot to chew on as well. If nothing else I'm learning alot.
Well the meeting was cancelled the pastors couldn't make it and encouraged her to still do the meeting and told me she was OK to do it. Found out late the night before she was not OK doing it. So I'm just moving on. Got the DB book Sunday and have added that into the mix of books Im doing from Bible study and therepy
