I suggest you find some source that will feed you what you need for a positive outlook. For some, it is through their religious beliefs, for others is reading books on positive thinking, listening to motivational speakers, etc. IMHO, we have to have feed that part of our spirit with positive food, in order to have positive energy.
I can understand the spot you find yourself in GAL. For now, just getting away from the house and spending time with nature (if you like that sort of thing), or going to a book store to browse, whatever you might enjoy that doesn't require a down payment.
I would not confront your W about the rumors you've heard. This may be something she is telling others, but just let it be, for now. Same about her telling D she may be changing schools.......especially if D confided in you. Just try to comfort your D as best you can, and if your W continues to say things that upset the kids, then you will need to address it.
I think you are doing well, considering the circumstances.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So things escalated in a very bad way today. D14 had her wellness check (physical) yesterday. Asked my wife to step outside so they could talk privately. W overhead D telling her doctor she is depressed, hates life and is cutting herself. She mentioned the issues at home and with her friends (peer pressure and just being a teenager, etc.).
Son made a report for school and created a certificate for both me and my W as being the #1 best Mom and #1 best Dad.
Clearly this is adversely affecting both.
W was too tired last night to mention it, but mentioned it to me today when D asked to spend the night at her friends. W is shrugging it off. "we just need to get her in therapy". I responded that she just needs a stable home life.
The teenager part for my D will happen anyway. This bad part of my WAW's decision is horrible. I am at a loss as this is now not about my MR. This is about my children's safety and security.
What do I do?
Do I meet with an attorney and see what I can do to make a plan?
Do I ask my wife to leave knowing there is no place or money that she can afford?
So for the moment I am reeling on this and venting a little here. I am seeing things in a totally different light. My W is selfish. She doesn't see this as a problem. I always thought she would be the exact opposite as she went through almost the same thing when she was younger. Her father left one night when she was 13. She acted out, did drugs, shaved her head, etc. etc. Her mom finally sent her to a "special" boarding school. She never graduated high school (did get her GED many years later), and then ran off to live in a few other states doing drugs and hanging with generally bad people where even worse things happened to her. HOW CAN SHE NOT SEE HOW THIS IS GOING???
Feeling way different today than yesterday. Again, I need some help and advice. This is not about DB'ing or my MR anymore. This is ONLY about protecting my children from any more of this...
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
You needed to go see a lawyer yesterday. You absolutely must, MUST go see one. Before you talk to your wife about anything, you need to know where you stand. If you don't you will make mistakes.
Now, your wife is correct about one thing: your daughter absolutely needs to go see a counselor. She needs someone to talk to - someone who is not her mom and dad. She's hurting, and whether your wife stays or goes, your daughter will keep hurting and keep internalizing what has happened to her parents. Please, get her help. For that matter, your son probably needs to go to therapy too.
As for asking your wife to move out... Before you do, decide if this is what you really want. I would suggest talking to a lawyer and an IC before you do anything rash. No, scratch that. I IMPLORE you to do that. You need to be sure that asking her to move out is right for you (legally speaking) and right for your children (in terms of their mental and emotional health).
Good luck.
Me: 28 H: 30 T: 9 M: 7
WAH: First half of 2017. Round 2 started in Spring 2018.
W overhead D telling her doctor she is depressed, hates life and is cutting herself. She mentioned the issues at home and with her friends (peer pressure and just being a teenager, etc.).
Try not to "blame" this on your sitch, because you really don't know that your M is what is causing this. A lot of kids go through very rough times even when they've got very loving and supportive parents in a strong marriage.
Quote:
Son made a report for school and created a certificate for both me and my W as being the #1 best Mom and #1 best Dad.
Clearly this is adversely affecting both.
What am I missing here? Your son says you are #1 mom and dad and somehow you are spinning that into a negative?
Quote:
W is shrugging it off. "we just need to get her in therapy". I responded that she just needs a stable home life.
I doubt your W appreciated your little jab at her. You do not know the cause of your D's depression. Depression is an illness and is often NOT SITUATIONAL. Your W is right, she needs to be in therapy.
Quote:
This bad part of my WAW's decision is horrible. I am at a loss as this is now not about my MR. This is about my children's safety and security.
What do I do?
First, quit blaming your W. Second, get your kids in therapy. Third, you talk to the kids' therapist and find out what you can do to support them in the best way possible. Fourth, be the most amazing dad to your kids that the world has ever seen. That includes NEVER saying disparaging things to them about their mom, whom they love dearly and think the world of despite your marital issues.
W was too tired last night to mention it, but mentioned it to me today when D asked to spend the night at her friends. W is shrugging it off. "we just need to get her in therapy". I responded that she just needs a stable home life.
If your D14 is cutting herself.......please, get her into therapy ASAP!
Was it the physician or D14 who spoke to your W about it? If it was D14, the physician probably told her she could tell her mom or the doctor would.
Quote:
The teenager part for my D will happen anyway.
No-no, this is not a "teenager thing". Your child is cutting herself b/c she cannot cope. Get your eyes off of your W for a moment. Do you understand the seriousness of what D14 is doing? Get her help now!
You cannot depend on your W to make healthy choices and act like a normal mother. She doesn't see what is happening to her children b/c she is too self absorbed. You need to take charge.....and don't wait on your W to agree or to join you in seeking help for D14. Speak to the physician who examined her. Alert the D14's school counselor and get references for a therapist or whatever advice they can tell you. Treat this seriously, b/c it is. If need be, seek help through the school district's social worker. I don't think your W will accept the seriousness of it, b/c it would require her accepting some responsibility, and she won't. I don't know if you should mention to D14 about talking to her counselor or social worker, b/c she'll probably be very resistant to wanting anyone knowing. I'm not an expert here, and I'm just making suggestions. If it were me, I'd talk to the school counselor, first, and see what steps they advise in how to approach D14. Where I live, the school counselor's are more academic counselors rather than psychological. So, don't depend solely on the school counselor for psychological therapy for your child.......but alerting the counselor would be a good idea. Plus, the counselor and/or social worker would probably be able to give you references for a therapist.
Get to a lawyer to see your legal rights and options in this sitch with your W.....and also inform the lawyer about D14's cutting issues, just in case s/he advises something to do from the legal standpoint.......should your W fight you getting help for D14, etc. But don't hold up on seeing a lawyer before finding a therapist for your child. Research teenage girls cutting themselves, and become educated in what you need to do in protecting her from herself.
I wrote this post pretty quickly, and like I said.....I am not an expert in these matters. Someone else may have experience or be more educated in this particular field and can offer better insight. I agree that your children take priority over everything else.
I am very concerned about your children, and will pray for you all. (((hugs)))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just to re-iterate some of the post was venting. I hate that all of us are going through this.
To address a few comments.
1- I have called an attorney and trying to get in front of them as soon as possible to evaluate everything.
2- I will get my children counseling as they have been dealing with way too much.
3- My reason for speaking that my son's report was him being in a bad place is that both my W and I have commented to each other and noticed that for the last few months my son has been way sweeter, nicer, less talking back, hugging, kissing, overall affectionate and way more accommodating than his usual personality dictated. He just seems to be way overcompensating with saying the things he is saying and doing the things he is doing. He is the sweetest sweetest boy anyway and has always been very sensitive, but you can see the change.
4- Regarding the Teenager stuff for my D happening anyway. I was referring to more of the regular teenager stuff as peer pressure, grades, life, etc. The cutting is a HUGE deal and I am not discounting it in the least.
5- You are right that I probably shouldn't have made the stable home environment comment to my W. It is how I feel, but probably shouldn't have been said. I know that there are great homes that have kids that struggle, but I also know that a stable foundation at home allows the child to feel secure and tackle the challenges of life. My bad on the comment. Part of me trying to do better is realizing when I make mistakes. Mostly they rarely happen, only on a daily basis.
6- Doctor nor D mentioned it to my W. My W overheard the private conversation as the walls were very thin and she heard it all.
7- I don't know what to say with regard to putting it out there that the decision my W is making affects everyone in our family. There are consequences to actions made by decisions that each of us makes. Children should not be the recipient of having to deal with these consequences. I am not "blaming" my W. I do think that the situation that BOTH of us have put our children in is not healthy and needs to change so that they have a stable foundation with which to move forward and challenge the world as the world challenges them. There should not be an instance where they feel unsafe and insecure in their own home.
This is all new to me as well. I am not an expert in MR, D, Kids, counseling, or how to deal with these complex and drastically life changing issues that are before everyone in our home. My wish is for all of us to be happy, healthy (as healthy as we can be), and enjoy our lives. If it takes my MR to be done for this to happen, so be it.
This is just a totally different feeling and place than where I was when I started on this board and read DB. I was obsessing, snooping, doomsday attitude, etc. Now this is about our children and working on myself. My W is going to do what she is going to do. This is affecting way to many people and these are the people who mean the most to me in this world. I can only take responsibility for my part. I
My upcoming steps are to find my children a counselor, to get in front of my attorney, to continue working on myself and to do all I can to keep my home safe and secure for all of us.
No pushing, no questions, nothing. I see a lot of running over the next few days!!!!
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Update on the weekend. Asked to talk with W Friday evening about D and she said she was too tired. So we ended up talking Saturday late afternoon. Wife said she is not at all concerned, in fact she said she was not shocked that our D was acting out the way she is. She said let's just get her into therapy and move her forward. I agree with getting her into therapy. Just worried about the apathy on my W part that she wasn't shocked nor concerned, merely ready to pass the problem along to someone else. We ended up speaking a little on our MR as I had stated that our children do need a steady foundation at home. Talk was about 30-40 minutes, but it was and is very clear that at this moment that my W is adamant about leaving and done. Kind of confirmed that she is basically talking with one friend of hers outside of her mom, dad and sister with this. This friend is feeding her hopes, dreams and satisfying her emotional needs. I don't know if I would call this an EA, but pretty much all of the things without the romance, etc. They talk everyday. Her friend is home all day as well with chronic health issues. They have been friends for 15 months and I have never met her. I believe they have only seen each other for coffee, etc maybe 6 times. BUT they talk constantly, everyday. I am not blaming this person as I know this is my W choice.
BUT what is the best way to deal with this? I believe her friend is filling her head full of bad information which will come back to haunt her (and me as well).
W says she is planning on leaving as soon as she can. No idea when this will be. She said she is going to give me a number (her expectations on whether we can agree on how to split stuff) this weekend coming up. She said she has a number in mind, just didn't feel like discussing it on Saturday. I pressed a bit, but backed off to let her have her space and time. I am hopeful that her examining the financials will open her eyes a bit. NOT to make her refocus on MR, but just to realize how drastically her life is going to change.
She is convincing herself that our marriage was a farce, that no one was happy, she even used the phrase "you terrorized us". She was referring to me dealing with the financial crisis that cost us our business and our home and the anger I felt during this time. This anger was not AT my family, it was at the situation, but it was present. I have apologized, we are beyond that, and there is really nothing left to say on that. I would gladly work on this more in the future. We have been together for 21 years, have 2 great kids, and have had an amazing life together. Definitely a roller coaster with the last decade of health issues, children (not a bad thing at all but this does change the home dynamic), then the financial crisis, and just life. Way more than most, but always knowing there are those that are dealing with things way worse than what we have.
Just looking for some thoughts on how to handle this friend that is kind of feeding into this "fantasy" my wife is trying to create. Now, please, before you chastise me for saying my wife leaving is just a fantasy I am referring to her totally blocking out the reality of this and how it is going to affect her. Currently a SAHM and now believes she is going to be able to go out and get a job, take care of the kids, take care of a home, and juggle the chronic health issues (weekend was fairly bad: Migraine on Friday causing 3 hours in the dark, Saturday on the couch, heating pad, etc most of the day. Sunday was worse. Chronic intestinal issue putting her in the bathroom at least 15 times during the day. Exhaustion, frustration, etc.) These issues are all outside of the financial part with regard to just the essentials: Rent, food, car, health insurance (including co-pays and RX's which is a fairly high monthly payment when you add it all up), cable, cell phone, gas, etc.
Don't know what she has planned, but getting in front of an A this week to make a plan.
I know believe nothing she says and only half of what she does so I am doing this. Really just concerned as to how I can make a difference with this other person so close to her. If this is even possible. Not giving up but am seeking help children right now.
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts DB forum!
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
W was too tired last night to mention it, but mentioned it to me today when D asked to spend the night at her friends. W is shrugging it off. "we just need to get her in therapy". I responded that she just needs a stable home life.
If your D14 is cutting herself.......please, get her into therapy ASAP!
Listen to this. I was a cutter when I was a teen. It is not healthy. Likely some deep issues underneath it. I've never dealt with it. I think I will bring it up at counseling to see if there are any of those issues I still need to work through.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
