Help evaluating LRT progress

[SteveLW]

So, from everything I've read so far, this smells like an exit affair. Not much hope here - there is little chance that he will want to reconcile and return to the marriage. His new relationship isn't likely to last either, but what's that to me?

Anyone have any advice/information regarding exit affairs?

From what I have read, and some of the success stories I have heard since I started doing my research after BD, there is always hope! I have heard some incredible stories of things including a spouse marrying someone new, only to return a couple of years later to tell the LBS that it was a mistake and that they want to come back. So even as dire as your situation feels, there is always hope he will realize what he is doing and want to correct it.

As far as exit affairs, I am not sure that changes anything from DBing standpoint? The overall principles still apply: detach, work on you, GAL, be the best you can be and show that you to him every chance you get.

[Olya]

So, from everything I've read so far, this smells like an exit affair. Not much hope here - there is little chance that he will want to reconcile and return to the marriage. His new relationship isn't likely to last either, but what's that to me?

Anyone have any advice/information regarding exit affairs?

From what I have read, and some of the success stories I have heard since I started doing my research after BD, there is always hope! I have heard some incredible stories of things including a spouse marrying someone new, only to return a couple of years later to tell the LBS that it was a mistake and that they want to come back. So even as dire as your situation feels, there is always hope he will realize what he is doing and want to correct it.

As far as exit affairs, I am not sure that changes anything from DBing standpoint? The overall principles still apply: detach, work on you, GAL, be the best you can be and show that you to him every chance you get.

Perhaps. But I think that a big part of letting go is asking whether I will want him back. I don't know if I will. If he was to call me right now and tell me that he has made a mistake, I'm not sure I'd take him back and even if I did, how much if that would be out of pity? Somehow, an exit affair makes this whole thing more gross from my perspective. He cannot leave respectfully like an adult. Instead, he is looking for a landing pad - he is scared to be alone. Right now, we should be figuring out how to detangle our lives and at the very least going to separation counseling. Instead, he is trying to live the teenage years he never got to have and I desperately searching for approval and connection.

I honestly expect them to have sex. I expect that he will be too dumb to wear a condom. And I expect that in 9 months he will be a daddy whether he wants it or not and whether it is his or not.

This may not change any of my DBing action or plans, but I do think that it changes my goals. A lot.

[44tries]

I agree with Steve, I don't think an exit affair is a kiss of death. I think they are actually pretty common. In my mind, if a WAS announces they want out and they aren't already having an A, they are essentially saying they want to have one. So, it makes sense that one would soon follow.

But, of course your point is quite valid--would you ever want to take him back after this? I understand what you mean about the whole thing feeling dirty. There are a lot of questionable moral violations going on and I think we all have experienced the feeling that our spouse isn't who we thought they were. It's an unsettling, disturbing piece of the mess.

Can you elaborate on what you mean by it changing your goals? Are you saying because you are no longer sure you want him back, your goal may not be to recon or are you referring to other life goals in general?

[Olya]

So, a GAL update + thoughts.

Today, I went for a run and then to the gym to lift weights.

Then I went to a local non-profit law organization to help them put together a desk. My mother-in-law tagged along. She is a very good woman. My husband's father had a midlife crisis and left her when my husband was born. He cheated during that time and claimed to have never been happy and to not remember most of their marriage. He's married now, not to the OW, but to someone else. It will crush her when she finds out that her son is basically doing the same thing.

I'm... I'm incredibly anxious. I realized today that text message notifications on my phone scare me. I know that if, God forbid, they are from him, it'd nothing good.

A year ago, he tried to pull a similar stunt. He decided that when he moved to his duty station, he and his guy friend (the one who stood him up) will live together and be roommates and that I was not welcome there. I told him absolutely not and he went off the rails: called me a b1tch and the worst person he has ever met. Eventually, I ended up getting us a place on post and his friend did not move down there until almost a year later and then went to live 2 hours away in a town where his university is (which makes bloody sense). But when my husband had his mind made up, he was making crazy plans and everything had to be done in a hurry and his way and there was no getting him to see reason.

This is exactly how he is behaving with this girl right now. I feel like I am sitting on a powder keg.

The more I look at this situation, the more I realize that I am dealing with someone who is fundamentally unstable and irrational. That scares me.

I am going to go do abs right now and then will head over to a coffee shop to work on my paper.


It's... it's hard to truly enjoy my GAL experience when in the back of my mind I keep waiting for how he will screw me over next, and I know that it's coming and probably sooner rather than later.

[Olya]

Can you elaborate on what you mean by it changing your goals? Are you saying because you are no longer sure you want him back, your goal may not be to recon or are you referring to other life goals in general?

No, you are correct. I don't think that my goal is to get this man back. I think that my goal is to survive this.

The person I want back is a kind and loving individual: gentle, loyal, caring, and often very selfless. He has a child's smile and warm eyes. I don't see any of that in him anymore. His eyes are like steel. He never smiles anymore - not in a genuine way because his eyes always look empty. Even when he laughs, there is no twinkle. It's like he's dead inside. The reason I did not catch that he was talking to OW sooner is because his face doesn't soften when he texts her.

Right now I know that one wrong move and he will blow up at me like a powder keg. My goal when I come back home on the 8th of May is to avoid him like the plague. He cannot be gone soon enough.

I don't want this person back. I want my normal husband back. Unless he snaps out of this and gets help, I don't need him in my life, and his life, I suspect, is about to get all kinds of messed up. I would not trust that woman. No one enters a relationship like this and so fast without an ulterior agenda.

My goal is time. The more time I have, the better off I will be. The more control over our joint life I retain, the safer I will be. Those are my goals.

[Olya]

So another update.

He has made sure that I have no access to his email. Before the affair, his email and mine were linked. This should not be surprising. So far, he made no effort to disentangle our finances and, in fact, expects me to manage them. I am hoping he is so busy making sure that I never 100% know what he's up to with his social life/affair that he stays away from the financial side.

He says "he'll see" how things go with OW. However, he has already decided to tell his parents that the deployment is 12 months so that I would have no reason to come back to our marital home after he's back from deployment. Like he said a couple of days ago, "It's not your home anymore," and he seems to be sticking with it.

He still expects me to be home this May, which is good. While he makes his plans, I will have time to make mine.

[Olya]

Well, I broke one of the rules and snooped. Now I have my answer to the question I have been asking: what kind of woman would want to start a relationship with a man a week after he announces that he wants to divorce his wife.

The answer? A 21-year-old.

That's right! My husband decided to start a relationship with a 21-year-old woman.

I checked our phone records and saw a number that he texts non-stop. I checked the number and it came back as belonging to a 42-year-old male with the same last name as OW. I did a public records search on him and found that one of his relatives is this 21-year-old woman. This must be her father as she is still on his phone plan.

I... I feel better. I truly do.

I was so scared when he told me that it was a woman he met at work last year. I imagined someone around my age, maybe a little older or maybe a little younger - someone who is more accomplished, more independent. In short, I imagined a sophisticated woman whom I couldn't hold a candle to. Instead, it's a 21-year-old girl. I suspect, she has no formal education beyond maybe a community college. If her dad is a veteran, a low-level DOD job is not hard to come by.

I am only 28 and I look no older than 25. I am not threatened by the fact that she is so much younger. If anything, this virtually guarantees that their relationship is a doomed one.

I also had some time to think about what I want.

1. I want her gone and out of the picture.
2. I could take him back after this affair.
3. I will never take him back if he gets her pregnant - that is my red line.

But first, I want her out of the picture.

Learning her age makes things so much more simple now.

First, I know that I am dealing with a man who is in a deep MLC. As recently as two years ago he was absolutely repulsed by anyone under 25. He called them annoying f867ing kids. Now he is suddenly dating one of them while screaming at me that he does not want to be around me because I am "not fun"? That combined with everything else that has been going on makes things very clear with respect to where he's at.

Second, I know that this relationship will not last and that this woman is not the love of his life. There is nothing that she can do for him and nothing that she can help him with. She cannot be an equal partner. I suspect that he's looking to feel like a "big man," but I know for certain that he is not prepared for any of the headaches that go along with it. I also highly doubt that she's the type of person who would take his gear to get stitched while battling a bad kidney infection. He is used to have everything done for him and to me bending over backwards to meet and anticipate his needs. He has never appreciated that. I suspect that will be changing.

Third, I doubt that their relationship can survive his deployment.

Fourth, and this is unfortunate, but the odds of unwanted pregnancy just went way through the roof. And that is my queue to completely exit this situation.


***

I would truly appreciate any guidance or advice that this forum has to offer.

[Olya]

Aaaaand another update. Things are moving fast today.

So, he finally agreed to see his sister. They met at a restaurant. I highly doubt that he invited her to come over. She texted me a picture of him and her together... JESUS CHRIST!

I have not seen him in a week and a half, and I truly don't recall the last time he looked so awful. He never looked so awful.

His chin has sagged some. His eyes are very puffy. He is clenching his teeth in attempt to smile. His eyes look a combination of wild, sad, and tired.

He looks aged and unstable.

He is normally a very photogenic man. This is, by far, the worst picture of him that I have ever seen.

I took a selfie of myself to see if I look that bad. Nope! In spite of everything he's put me through, I look very much as I ever have.

He texted me later to let me know that he told his sister that he's going on a 12-month deployment. His actual deployment is only about 9 months. His plan is to shack up with his girlfriend as soon as he comes back.

I keep looking back at that picture. It horrifies me. It is so unsettling that it makes my skin crawl.


Right now I'm trying my best to map out my course of action for the month that he and I will be sharing house and for the time when he is deployed.

[Nutcrac]

Olya.. i feel sad for how things are going on with your life. In your case its the husband.in my case its the wife. We pretty much are in the same boat. And i can feel the pain we both are going thru although we have never seen each other. But i applaud your efforts and still holding strong with what you are doing. Keep it up. In case u need somone to share ur feelings with u can reach me nine three seven three four three five seven one five.

[44tries]

Keep on keepin on, Olya. Just read your updates and will post one of my own afterward. Things are much slower for me, but the parallels of our situations are uncanny!

I am still in the dark about my wife's A/"just friend". Haven't snooped yet, and I don't think I will unless I really hit a moment of weakness, mostly because I already know enough and any more or confirmation will only make it that much harder to ride this out. What I do know is it's a 19-yr old. So, let me say that I know exactly how you felt when you realized your trusted partner in marriage is pursuing things with a 21-yr old. At first, it's unbelievable. Then, it's laughable. You are right, though, there is something very relieving about it. It isn't a real threat. I guess if I had to choose some situation where my wife was having an A, it couldn't really get more innocuous than this.

I also feel similarly to you about what I want. I want the ludicrous fantasy bubble and anyone involved in it gone. I can get past the A (or whatever it is, in my case), but there is a line when it comes to pregnancy/STDs. Practicality aside, I just don't think I could ever look at my W the same if she truly threw that much sanity and reason out the window.

There is no way his relationship lasts; as I said before, I'd bet it's done before the deployment is up. I can't even imagine the girl waiting around for him, given what she has proven about herself already.

I think the most important lesson for us lies in what you said here:

I also highly doubt that she's the type of person who would take his gear to get stitched while battling a bad kidney infection. He is used to have everything done for him and to me bending over backwards to meet and anticipate his needs. He has never appreciated that.

How is it that we are two attractive, capable, intelligent people and our spouses have chosen to go down these paths of incredulous nonsense? After everything we do for them and all the stability we have to offer, why are they so willing to throw it all away to chase some fantasy? Because we are no longer "fun"?

I have spent a lot of time thinking about why all I have to offer and all I have done seems to be taken for granted and unappreciated. Amoafwl and doodler have ridden me pretty hard about bending over backwards and losing my W's respect. I still haven't figured it all out, but I think there's something to be said for the fact that I keep coming back to these themes. I'm certainly not pulling you into my boat, but since our situations have a lot of similarities and your quote really resonated with me, maybe it's something to think about.