Yes, my daemon here is that the pill had a big impact on her libido, and she always used the fact that she was sick and her hormones were screwed up as a rationale for not doing anything about it.
Interestingly. we looked into alternative forms of birth control, but she was never on board with them until other health issues forced her hand.
She's since told me that she's "turned on all the time" just not attracted to me anymore. So it's quite easy for me to say I just should have been patient.
One of her big hurts was that I mentioned her libido (or lack thereof) to her new doctor when discussing her health issues.
If I'm honest with myself, I had NO way of knowing at the time that this would be resolved, and I was unhappy with the prospect of a permanent lackluster sex life. But she's still chosen to focus on this as an example of how I didn't support her, and I still have trouble not blaming myself for being more patient.
I wish we could PM on this site. I'd climb with you if were where in the area.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Sounds like there were ways to maybe resolve the sex and libido issues but she didn't want to do them until she absolutely had to do for other reasons.
Man, all the rest of the stuff is just excuses.
I know this is going to sound rough - do you really want to be with a woman who doesn't want to be with you sexually? What do you have to gain from a recon with this woman?
I know this [censored] and you want things to work out with her, but she isn't meeting your needs. You need to build up your self-respect and self-worth and that what you need is as important as the other person in the relationship.
I can tell you from my own experience, my sex life sucked. I wanted a dynamic sexual relationship, which W as not able to offer. If she came back for recon, I would hands down not take her back unless she decided to address her issues.
So, don't sell yourself short. She doesn't want to be with you. Okay! Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you at every level?
It hurts because you feel a loss of control and rejection hurts the ego. Give yourself time to accept and heal and detach. Your perspective will widen. But right now when the hurt is visceral, go GAL and try and live some life to chip away at that hurt. That's what it's for.
Re: climbing, I'd love to. Not sure where you're at, but majority of folks here are in the US. I am not. And not having a PM function [censored], I know.
Yes, my daemon here is that the pill had a big impact on her libido, and she always used the fact that she was sick and her hormones were screwed up as a rationale for not doing anything about it.
Sounds like a BS excuse to me. I just did a quick read through WebMD and they basically said there's no correlation.
Quote:
Interestingly. we looked into alternative forms of birth control, but she was never on board with them until other health issues forced her hand.
Probably because she knew the pill wasn't the problem. SHE was the problem.
Quote:
She's since told me that she's "turned on all the time" just not attracted to me anymore.
Well doesn't she sound like quite the treasure! How thoughtful of her to share that with you! Between that and telling you she's banging an acquaintance, and then posting chummy pics of them together on FB... ugh. Just ugh. Maika mentioned the fog affecting the LBS as well as the WAS. It's very true. The WAS remembers nothing but bad things about the M and the LBS remembers only the good things. Eventually the fog lifts for both and the WAS remembers things weren't ALWAYS bad, but the LBS remembers the M wasn't so great after all. It can take a year or more to get there, and often at that time the WAS will reach out for possible recon but the LBS is done with them. I think that's where you're headed. I think eventually you'll see recon with her is not an attractive prospect at all.
Quote:
One of her big hurts was that I mentioned her libido (or lack thereof) to her new doctor when discussing her health issues.
Well that's exactly the sort of thing that SHOULD be discussed with a doctor. Unless her lack of libido is due to lack of interest in YOU rather than a medical issue, as I suspect was the case.
In any event, she's a lying cheater. In a WAS situation we typically advise taking the WAS's criticism to heart and making changes, and you should do that to strive to be a better person but that is not going to change the fact that she is a lying cheater. Leave her to the mess she's made and make yourself awesome. Maybe that will attract her back although by the time you're awesome you're probably not going to want that.
She CAN reform herself and "recover" from being a lying cheater, it has happened (see TXHubby's thread, and also read Artista's insightful posts). But SHE needs to do that work and SHE needs to return to you with a humble spirit.
Thanks guys. This thread may seem a little circular, but it's actually helped a TON. I slept last night :-) Letting go of blaming myself will be a process, but it's starting to feel real.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Great posts from Maika, take those to heart!
Originally Posted By: reframe
Yes, my daemon here is that the pill had a big impact on her libido, and she always used the fact that she was sick and her hormones were screwed up as a rationale for not doing anything about it.
Sounds like a BS excuse to me. I just did a quick read through WebMD and they basically said there's no correlation.
It depends on the person. IT DOES really screw up some people's endocrine system, in addition to changing partner preferences. Can provide links if you want, but I'm also realizing that this is only a small piece of the issue, so it doesn't matter a ton.
Quote:
Interestingly. we looked into alternative forms of birth control, but she was never on board with them until other health issues forced her hand.
Probably because she knew the pill wasn't the problem. SHE was the problem.
This is absolutely true. Regardless of the cause (the pill, lack of attraction to me, etc..) SHE wasn't willing to make one of my core relationship needs a priority. When her functional doc mentioned getting her off the pill, she found an alternative method she was OK with within a few weeks.
Quote:
She's since told me that she's "turned on all the time" just not attracted to me anymore.
Well doesn't she sound like quite the treasure! How thoughtful of her to share that with you! Between that and telling you she's banging an acquaintance, and then posting chummy pics of them together on FB... ugh. Just ugh. Maika mentioned the fog affecting the LBS as well as the WAS. It's very true. The WAS remembers nothing but bad things about the M and the LBS remembers only the good things. Eventually the fog lifts for both and the WAS remembers things weren't ALWAYS bad, but the LBS remembers the M wasn't so great after all. It can take a year or more to get there, and often at that time the WAS will reach out for possible recon but the LBS is done with them. I think that's where you're headed. I think eventually you'll see recon with her is not an attractive prospect at all.
Yes! I mean, I'm sure she views telling me both of these things as being honest and transparent. For the sake of argument, I'll give her a pass there.
It doesn't change the fact that she alternated crushes, and waffled on leaving until she found an affair parter or landing pad, then nothing else mattered and she was gone in a week. THIS makes me think significantly less of her.
Quote:
One of her big hurts was that I mentioned her libido (or lack thereof) to her new doctor when discussing her health issues.
Well that's exactly the sort of thing that SHOULD be discussed with a doctor. Unless her lack of libido is due to lack of interest in YOU rather than a medical issue, as I suspect was the case.
YES! In fact, when I realized (before BD) what a dark place she was in emotionally, I apologized for bringing it up, and told her "the priority is you getting better".
The fact that I wanted a healthy, vibrant sex life, WITH MY WIFE, is not something I need to apologize for.
Quote:
In any event, she's a lying cheater. In a WAS situation we typically advise taking the WAS's criticism to heart and making changes, and you should do that to strive to be a better person but that is not going to change the fact that she is a lying cheater. Leave her to the mess she's made and make yourself awesome. Maybe that will attract her back although by the time you're awesome you're probably not going to want that.
She CAN reform herself and "recover" from being a lying cheater, it has happened (see TXHubby's thread, and also read Artista's insightful posts). But SHE needs to do that work and SHE needs to return to you with a humble spirit.
Yes! I'm starting to realize that. This is not a matter of "please come back, all is forgiven" anymore. For me to see anything worthwhile in an ongoing relationship with her, I would need to see real and meaningful change in her. She would need to be willing to own her mistakes and work on them. No more "I've been trying for years and getting nothing back". This HURTS deeply. The loss of my companion for 11 years, and all our future plans together is deeply painful. But it's a LOT less painful than thinking that I singlehandedly screwed things up. I hope I can hold onto this feeling for more than a day.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Yes, my daemon here is that the pill had a big impact on her libido, and she always used the fact that she was sick and her hormones were screwed up as a rationale for not doing anything about it.
Interestingly. we looked into alternative forms of birth control, but she was never on board with them until other health issues forced her hand.
She's since told me that she's "turned on all the time" just not attracted to me anymore. So it's quite easy for me to say I just should have been patient.
One of her big hurts was that I mentioned her libido (or lack thereof) to her new doctor when discussing her health issues.
If I'm honest with myself, I had NO way of knowing at the time that this would be resolved, and I was unhappy with the prospect of a permanent lackluster sex life. But she's still chosen to focus on this as an example of how I didn't support her, and I still have trouble not blaming myself for being more patient.
I wish we could PM on this site. I'd climb with you if were where in the area.
I wouldn't beat yourself up too much. Women's libido's ebb and flow. I recently documented a few weeks ago how my wife was insatiable. 4 days in a row, that hasn't happened since year 1 of dating! Then we got into a once a week rhythm. She told me the other night on the way home that the desire was gone again. She said she didn't know if was related to her cycle which is now very unpredictable due to her being peri/premenopausal.
We did end up doing it a couple of mornings ago, but the last few times I've initiated. It appears that her desire to initiate has waned for the time being.
I should note, she said that she isn't having any urges sexually right now, that it isn't just sex with me. Just weird for her to go from thinking about it all time, buying sex toys, etc. To back to nothing. But I guess I will never understand women's sexuality!
rframe, my point is that you don't know if the sex drive is the cause or a symptom. It is just impossible to tell. You could have been the perfect husband and she may never have had much drive within the bounds of your marriage. So go easy on yourself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
One other thing, just because she isn't sexually attracted to you now doesn't mean she can't be in the future. Often times we get the ILYBINILWY speech. "In love" usually, to most people, means sexually attraction. You know, the old, I love you like a brother thing.
But here is the thing, she was sexually attracted to you at one time, right? So she can be again in the future.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
One other thing, just because she isn't sexually attracted to you now doesn't mean she can't be in the future. Often times we get the ILYBINILWY speech. "In love" usually, to most people, means sexually attraction. You know, the old, I love you like a brother thing.
But here is the thing, she was sexually attracted to you at one time, right? So she can be again in the future.
Yes, absolutely! We had an amazing sexual connection early on. Positive, playful, passionate and mutually enthusiastic. Probably a 50/50 split in who initiated.
I think it was the best connection and intimacy either of us had ever experienced.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
The fact that I wanted a healthy, vibrant sex life, WITH MY WIFE, is not something I need to apologize for.
LOL! Exactly. It wasn't until I came here that I even knew there was such a thing as a SSM. I just assumed that all married couples had an active sex life. I mean I didn't get married just for sex, but it was a pretty important part of the M.
Quote:
Yes! I'm starting to realize that. This is not a matter of "please come back, all is forgiven" anymore. For me to see anything worthwhile in an ongoing relationship with her, I would need to see real and meaningful change in her. She would need to be willing to own her mistakes and work on them.
That's exactly right. And it can and does happen, there are many examples on these forums. But they've got to have an awakening as to what they are doing and what they've become, and what they may have lost.
Was doing much better today, but had a lot of interaction with her and it has taken a toll on me. Staying pleasant and upbeat (But no pursuit!) when I interact with her is still really hard. We talked about financial stuff, taxes and dogs. Lots of interactions today.
I just meet her a few minutes ago for her to take one of the dogs for the weekend. She wanted to meet someplace in the middle (ever since I asked her to communicate when she'll be at our place). I let the dog run to her and she screamed at me because we where beside a road. I ignored the tantrum, and then told her to have a good weekend. She attempted to hug me again and I responded very half heartedly. She gave me more crap about how I need "8 hugs a day, etc.."
Very hard to see her being all pleasant (like we should be all buddy buddy) and still clearly moving on with her life.
I'm not even sure I actually WANT her at this point, but this is still impossibly hard. I feel drained from all the convos with her today.
I think I'm doing the right things (acting "as if", being pleasant and upbeat, ...) but I'm still clearly pretty emotionally enmeshed in this. Now that I'm starting to realize this wasn't ALL my fault, I have a lot of anger toward her that I find it hard to keep to myself.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Hey reframe, I feel for you and Am in the same place. My WW is planning on moving out at the end of the month. I struggle to be up beat too, especially when interacting so much due to the kids but now realize her (and other WW) actions are part of who she is and inner demons coming out that she has not dealt with correctly over her life (Prior to the A and BD, I take 50 percent of the responsibility but everything after is all on her/them). I heard a marriage coach say today that even if we knew our wives were going to do such a thing, there is little to nothing we can do to stop them (which loops back to we can't control them). We don't want to be with women who treat us like this and deserve better. Maybe they'll figure that out, maybe they won't...maybe we'll stick around and maybe we wont.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
