What would she do if you and your car were gone...?
I don't think it is my problem, except that she has an expectation that she can drive my car and her need to do so (for work) trumps any need that I have. Now, she isn't unreasonable, like today she suggested I drive her to work so she doesn't need to take the car all day. Right after her declaration of separation, she made it a point to say she would no longer be driving my car and she would get all of her stuff out of it. It was one of her ways of showing me "this is real". Funny how a week later that becomes inconvenient and she tosses it out the window.
Your question is exactly mine! What would she do? I honestly think she has no idea. Unless she radically changed her habits and stepped up in a major way, her life would fall to shambles. One of her biggest concerns after the BD talk was that I was going to pack up and leave suddenly and leave her to fix the fence in the yard by herself! I'm not kidding, of all the possible consequences of wanting to end our marriage, that was the only one she directly voiced and addressed. This is why part of me has the urge to throw up my hands and say, here have your separation and your freedom. Live your single life that you think will be such paradise and you will realize just how much I do and take care of for you.
But, I actually think she already knows this. She doesn't need a wake up call. She has made her decision despite knowing she will lose a major support system. Rather, more to your point, I have to prevent her from taking advantage of that support system while I'm still here. I don't think she is really trying to take advantage. She wants independence. But when it becomes inconvenient, her safety net is much too close and reliable.
My problem is that I'm too nice, I still love her, and I don't want conflict. I'm already kicking myself for confronting her about the texting, it really doesn't make me want to go confront her about being useless and not addressing her car problems. Similarly, if I just tell her sorry she can't drive my car anymore, not my problem, she will get mad and think I'm being spiteful. I don't know why this is so hard for me to wrap my head around. I see your point, I really do. And I want to be strong and gain respect. It just goes against all of my (apparently weakling) instincts and I'm clueless.
M: 26 W: 26 M: 1.5 T: 3 No kids BD: 31 March 2018
W's affair began: 23 March 2018 Affair confirmed: 18 April 2018 Confrontation/claims she ended A: 14 May 2018 Ended in-house separation: July 2018
And I want to be strong and gain respect. It just goes against all of my (apparently weakling) instincts and I'm clueless.
Buckle up buttercup; what you're about to go through will either make you stronger or it'll break you. The cool thing is, you get to decide which way it goes.
Let me ask you something. If she kicked you out on the street tonight, what would you do? In other words, how would you take care of yourself?
In the immediate term, I would take my car and go to a hotel. Technically, she can't kick me out on the street, because as Olya pointed out, I can go to her command and exercise my rights. Now, I would probably think long and hard before going into a nasty battle like this. But if it truly came to the point where she was kicking me to the street and locking the door, I guess I wouldn't be afraid to get dirty. I would tell her she needed to figure out how to get all my stuff including car shipped ASAP and I wouldn't leave until everything I own or care about was out the door. I probably wouldn't muscle my way into staying in the house, but I'm no legal expert and I would make sure I wasn't doing anything to make myself vulnerable before physically leaving.
I'm not completely broke or anything so I'm not worried about keeping a roof over my head. I'm also not worried about her actually kicking me to the street. Even if worst comes to worst and we get a divorce, I really don't have a doubt that it would be amicable. I want to save my marriage, but I'm not crazy. If she got to that point and there was no turning back, I'm done and moving on.
M: 26 W: 26 M: 1.5 T: 3 No kids BD: 31 March 2018
W's affair began: 23 March 2018 Affair confirmed: 18 April 2018 Confrontation/claims she ended A: 14 May 2018 Ended in-house separation: July 2018
I have spent an unspeakable amount of time reading through these boards, especially success stories like Benito, joejoe1, Txhubby, etc. I've taken notes. I read and reread Sandi's rules and the detachment thread every day. I am ready to let go of my W and MR and focus on being the best DBer I can possibly be. I fully understand why this is the best chance my MR has for reconciliation, while simultaneously being the best thing for me regardless of outcome. I want to be the LBS who loses all the desperation and can objectively step back and say 'do I really even want my W back' if the day ever comes where she approaches me.
I know my determination will be tested and there will be times I don't feel as strong. But that's when I will keep coming back here and reading and posting and getting recentered. I am committed to kicking my codependency and Nice Guy Syndrome to the curb. It feels like an overwhelmingly huge task, but this is where I will use my 'I can do anything' attitude to my advantage.
It will be a slow race full of baby steps, but I won't let myself get off track. And I know if I keep posting here, you guys won't let me either. I am still waiting for DR to arrive in the mail; I really hope it gets here by tomorrow and I don't have to wait until next week.
I want to say again how much I appreciate this community and your support. The hardest thing for me throughout this process will be the fact that I am still living with my W and, despite her initiation to separate, she still doesn't want me off her hook. Every time I take a step back, she moves one closer. This just reinforces to me that letting go and detaching is the right way to go, but it is still HARD. Every day, I will face constant small challenges.
For example, yesterday I made myself a pre-workout smoothie as we both got ready for the day. Normally, I make a big one and give her half. Not this time. No reason I need to keep going out of my way for her. Well, she noticed. "Did you make a smoothie?" "Yes." "Is there some for me?" "No, sorry." (Why did I say sorry??) "It's cool, you obviously just didn't think about it." Counter-intuitive alarm bells are going off in my head. I've done the wrong thing and she thinks I didn't think about her. No, she is just uncomfortable with the fact that that is no longer part of my job description.
Her obsessive texting has decreased a bit, but so has my care. This weekend I have a few Meetup events and I will get some practice fielding her questions about where I go and what I do, and fighting the feeling that I am pushing her away. She invited me to a dinner she planned for Friday with a few of our friends. I will go, but I feel that I should start declining some of these invitations. As my own GAL ramps up, I hope this will become natural as schedule conflicts arise.
Hopefully, I am on the right track in trusting the "counter-intuitiveness" of the process. I feel that my W is still a lot more attached than she thinks she is or wants to be. It makes me cringe a bit to think that I am helping to sever whatever attachment she has left. But, I also think if we ever were to recon, we are much better off starting anew and building something different, stronger, and better. I would really appreciate some of your thoughts and affirmation that my thinking isn't flawed. I know there isn't just one way to DB and everybody's situation is different.
M: 26 W: 26 M: 1.5 T: 3 No kids BD: 31 March 2018
W's affair began: 23 March 2018 Affair confirmed: 18 April 2018 Confrontation/claims she ended A: 14 May 2018 Ended in-house separation: July 2018
I know that what you are doing is scary, but think of it this way: didn't it take a lot of emotional strength and bravery to trust and to commit? It did - many people are utterly incapable of doing it and spend all their lives jumping from one shallow relationship to the next.
So, you were brave then and you can be brave and strong again. You're just moving in the opposite direction.
You can do it and I believe in you.
I think that you are doing everything right. Just make sure you make time to go see a lawyer too.
Me: 28 H: 30 T: 9 M: 7
WAH: First half of 2017. Round 2 started in Spring 2018.
Thanks, Olya! You are right, this is all just a reverse of the leap of faith I took to get into this relationship in the first place.
Tonight I had my usual weekly quiz and I couldn't take the ding of the texting blasting through the house. Whatever the hell she is doing on her phone, she certainly doesn't care about keeping it private. After I finished my work, I decided I wasn't staying in the house. I found a language exchange meetup and left within the hour. I followed Sandi's rules and tried to give as little info as possible. I tell W I'll be back in a few hours. But, this is sooo unusual it's hard for it to feel natural.
Of course she thinks it's weird and says so. She asks where I'm going and then asks if the girl that gave me a hug two weekends ago (the one she got jealous of) was going to be there! That girl was a completely random stranger I will never see again. I am insulted; no, I am not going out on a date or anything of the sort. Is this normal WAS response to GAL?? When I got home, she tried to ignore me and it lasted about ten seconds. She couldn't help herself. She asked if I had fun and then asked if the girl was there, AGAIN.
I guess that means it's working? I don't care; I had a great time, met people from all over the world, and was in such a healthier mental state by the time I was driving home. It is so nice to take a few hours and literally not have W cross my mind once. Olya, we should team up and get sponsored by Meetup.
M: 26 W: 26 M: 1.5 T: 3 No kids BD: 31 March 2018
W's affair began: 23 March 2018 Affair confirmed: 18 April 2018 Confrontation/claims she ended A: 14 May 2018 Ended in-house separation: July 2018
Now, you should be very careful right now. Ever wonder if her reaction is a projection?
Remember how my husband made an angry comment about me being gone all the time and coming home late? He was already in the throws of a full-blown EA with this girl.
Keep your guard up. Be polite. But do not get overly hopeful and watch her carefully.
Me: 28 H: 30 T: 9 M: 7
WAH: First half of 2017. Round 2 started in Spring 2018.
Tonight I had my usual weekly quiz and I couldn't take the ding of the texting blasting through the house. Whatever the hell she is doing on her phone, she certainly doesn't care about keeping it private. After I finished my work, I decided I wasn't staying in the house. I found a language exchange meetup and left within the hour. I followed Sandi's rules and tried to give as little info as possible. I tell W I'll be back in a few hours. But, this is sooo unusual it's hard for it to feel natural.
YASSSSSSSSSSS.
Awesome. Keep this kind of thing up. There is NO rule that you need to sit around waiting for her. Live your life!
Originally Posted By: 44tries
Of course she thinks it's weird and says so. She asks where I'm going and then asks if the girl that gave me a hug two weekends ago (the one she got jealous of) was going to be there! That girl was a completely random stranger I will never see again. I am insulted; no, I am not going out on a date or anything of the sort. Is this normal WAS response to GAL?? When I got home, she tried to ignore me and it lasted about ten seconds. She couldn't help herself. She asked if I had fun and then asked if the girl was there, AGAIN.
MWD says theres a few reactions. Curiosity, a turn around, or nothing. Seems like shes curious. Thats a good sign, I think. Theres no way to really know her underlying motives, but I think it is good for you no matter what.
