It's incredibly hard. Possibly the hardest thing you will go through. Your W sounds very confused, back and forth, so all the more to not play much into what she says.
I know it's WAY easier said then done, but just try to give her her space right now. I am not sure how to handle the on and off affection, my H went totally cold, but maybe someone here can give you advice on that.
Hang in there. You will need to dig as deep as possible for patience.
M
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Thank you M, I hope you're right that it's true confusion and not solely pitying me. But I fear the worst. I can't make any sense of it, feeling totally numb and broken, I know I need to stay busy and happy for my kids, but right now I just want to curl up and die. No appetite, sleep deprived etc...
On a slightly positive note she's finally reached out and supposedly scheduled a therapy session with a woman who she said understood her situation very well when they talked on the phone. I know this is a marathon but I'm praying she gets her head straight sooner than later. I'm not the type to wait forever. My sister was just visiting and reminded me of how crazy work obsessed my wife has been all 20+ years we've known her...
Me: 43 She: 43 Married 14 Together 20 D7 S6 Separation bomb Dec 2017 Reconciled 3 weeks later Jan 2018 Second separation bomb April 2018
If you feel suicidal, talk to a suicide help line. Seriously. I’ve been there. The pain can be so intense you feel you just want it to stop. It’s hard to see it now, but the intensity of what you are feeling now will not last.
A word of caution about talking to your family members for support. They will take your side. They see you in pain and want you to not be in pain too and as quickly as possible. Sometimes this takes the form of bad mouthing the spouse and supporting divorce as a way to stop the pain, which may be contrary to your own feelings, goals and desires.
Same word of caution on counselors. Some can be terrific. Others just want to see the pain stop and encourage divorce.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
JaseP, what you’re going through is very difficult and painful. What you are feeling is perfectly normal.
Being sleep deprived, depressed, having no appetite, etc... are all normal responses. Hang in there JaseP you will get through this.
Please listen to Gordie’s advice, I would tell you the same thing he did. I have been right at the edge ... it is a very dark place. The pain will subside, I promise you.
Heed the caution of listening to family, friends, therapists, etc... You should definitely reach out to people who love and support you. However, these same people do not want to see you suffer and will offer advice to “help” you get better as quick as possible. They mean well but may not align with your own feelings and desires. Advice is just that - advice. You make the decision, that goes for here and IRL.
My first and only IC, after telling her what happened at BD, told me to dump W and get a divorce. That was 10 minutes into the session. I was not going to do that. We didn’t see eye to eye on too many issues, always the quick fix. Anyhow, she fired me, asked me not to come back, after session four. I stayed true to who I am and how I feel - best decision I made.
In my experience almost everyone IRL will not understand what you are going through. How could they, until this happened to me I couldn’t imagine what I have gone through and what has happened. Here, people understand. I found it so helpful, I think you will too.
This is going to take some time. Know it will get better, YOU will get better. Remember that.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi dnj! Thank you so much for the good advice. Last night was great as I finally unburdened myself to my oldest/best friend who's one of the only guys I know who could be any kind of good listener and offer up sound advice. It's been so freaking awful bottling up all of this angst since December with zero support. I came home around midnight and she was in our bed even though I thought we agreed she'd sleep elsewhere as I need the good mattress since I have lower back issues...plus, this isn't my decision, why should I have to leave my own bed? Anyway, she was contrite and apologetic for her earlier outbursts, going on again about how stressed she is from work and how it can't go on like this and how she knows she has to change.
I finally confronted her about my suspicions of her 1-way emotional affair with her boss and while she vehemently denied anything sexual whatsoever she's now claiming that he crossed boundaries pursuing a "close friendship" with her and she was willing to engage this for a couple months as he's the new owner of her company she needs him to be on her side as he's notoriously cheap with resources to anyone he's not close to. Whatever, it's pretty messed up all around. The guy loves to create drama and has no life or family outside of work and his coworkers who are all men, except for her. I'm glad she finally admitted to this inappropriate relationship that now she claims she wants to only be business/professional. It's clear to me this weirdness in her work life created this mess of feelings she's trying to untangle.
She took a shower this morning and called me over to the bathroom while naked and made sexy eyes and said "hey, I want to feel normal again" and I stupidly caved and we had sex for the first time in over a week. Sure it felt good, but I don't trust her at all regardless of her again saying "I love you, we're soulmates." She's been making more of an effort today to actually spend time with me and the kids and suggesting we do family stuff the rest of the day...
Stay tuned for the next episode of the JaseP soap opera! Haha... sorry I have to keep it a little light sometimes or I'd really go crazy.
ps yesterday when I was lower than low and said "curl up and die" I meant just feeling beyond awful. I'd NEVER kill myself, but I can see how that could come across that way. I've got too much to live for, namely my kids! Bless you all.
Last edited by job; 04/09/1808:31 AM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
Me: 43 She: 43 Married 14 Together 20 D7 S6 Separation bomb Dec 2017 Reconciled 3 weeks later Jan 2018 Second separation bomb April 2018
You can detach and take care of you and the kids while she figures it out- Detaching has to do with letting go-accepting where she is- where you are- where the M is focusing on your happiness and how to get there and trusting somehow it will be ok No matter what she does
There are a lot of good men here to learn from You can stand for your M. and at the same time work on you- Change those aspects of yourself that do not work for you or the M.. Listen to her, Validate her and let go
as you can see she can be close one day..and far away the next so find hobbies, time with friends, support groups, church, gym ect and make your life work for you-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
So I'm cautiously optimistic that my wife is serious about getting help and fixing the situation. She came clean about her big crush on her new boss that turned into a 1-way emotional affair. I can't fathom how something so supposedly one-sided could lead someone to threaten blowing up our family, so perhaps there's more to it, but I think I believe her that this never was physical and that he never crossed a line.
Still, they have to see each other and work together every other week or so still. She says she'll eventually quit, but as the betrayed one, isn't it reasonable she quit sooner than later?
For a few days now she's been quite remorseful, answering my questions, even suggesting a group therapy telephone thing about recovering from infidelity with Esther Perel.
I'm still numb and confused and feeling unproductive at work as I'm so distracted by all of this...
Me: 43 She: 43 Married 14 Together 20 D7 S6 Separation bomb Dec 2017 Reconciled 3 weeks later Jan 2018 Second separation bomb April 2018
I got bombed Sep, 2014, my husband try to act 'normal' for months, we stayed at our apartment, during that time, he said he is sorry in one minute, next minute, he would say he hates me, I'm the one who ruined his life... he cried a lot and he ignored me. I was forced to walked on the eggshell and May 2015, he moved out of our apartment.
It was so difficult at the first year after bomb dropped, had no idea of how to set the boundary, I don't know how to respond to his request - he needs divorce.
Fortunately, I found this forum and the information of midlife crisis and am grateful for the help I have from so many great posts here !!
Keep faith and focus on yourself, get a life like she is not coming back (at least few years) love her from distance, pray for her.
me 44 husband 43 no kids married 12 years got bombed Sep. 2014 h moved out May 2015
Great advice, Babe, thank you for that. I've now signed up for kite surfing lessons and my kids and I have been enjoying church every Sunday again. I don't reach out or seem needy to her, in fact, earlier she asked if I thought about her during the day since I've stopped contacting her much.
One day at a time....i hope you've found peace since your split. Best wishes to you.
Me: 43 She: 43 Married 14 Together 20 D7 S6 Separation bomb Dec 2017 Reconciled 3 weeks later Jan 2018 Second separation bomb April 2018
