I need some guidance

[Ste7e]

Many thanks for the real talk responses, they are helpful.
Yes read the DR book but should probably read it again slower and let the info sink in...Im a pretty smart guy and because of that don’t listen or read in a way that lets things really sink in...I think I already know the answers but clearly that is a character fault I need to 180 because it is not helping me at all.

No I have not made a 180 list yet but that sounds like a great place to start! Is there a good reference or chapter in DR for identifying which things need a 180?

And yes I admit I am needy and clingy ... add that to my 180 list...and also admit that although W and I are great together as people the OR did become miserable.

[Ste7e]

Are there any good 180 threads on here I should read?

[SteveLW]

Are there any good 180 threads on here I should read?

Have you read all of the links Cadet sent in his first response? If not that is the best place to start.

[Btrow]

No I have not made a 180 list yet but that sounds like a great place to start! Is there a good reference or chapter in DR for identifying which things need a 180?

The 180's are different from person to person. Basically it is identifying where you want to improve yourself. If you're always 5 minutes late, start showing up 5 minutes early. If you've got bad breath, start eating tic tacs or whatever. If you have anger issues, start working on that. Since your improvement areas are different from mine for instance, we cannot provide you with a list.

[joejoe1]

180s are for you and not your W. But you are using what your W has told as a starting point and goal post.

They are called 180s because will do the exact opposite of what your W said she didn't like.

Read cadet post there is A lot of jewels in his post.

For me a few 180s were.

Helping out more with our kids unprompted. My W complained that I was an absent father.

My W complained I didn't help her around the house. I started helping out around the house unprompted.

My W said I was very selfish. I worked on caring for others before myself.

I also learned my W love languages(LL), I studied exactly what it meant to love in her languages.

I hope this help. My 180s will be different from yours. I was also a true A hole to my W. I 180 that as well.

[Ste7e]

Thanks for the replies so far.
Well after my losing my way yesterday and feeling really stupid about having done so and having to start over again today I can see how every move I made will not get me any sort of result I am looking for and not make that mistake again. I just wish I would have listened to what I had read and not acted.
So back again at day one I feel like I did really good today and was totally detached (although I only had to deal with one quick text message echange about the sick pet) and focused on myself and the changes I need to make.
Im a musician and booked a concert later in the month which will be the first time Ive played out in 3 and half years. Also booked a vacation for myself which is a big deal as I have a severe fear of flying which was a serious problem in the relationship. But I guess most importantly I did these things for my own self worth as these are problems I was unhappy in myself about not actualizing...its a bit of a win win that these are things I know W was disappointed in me about. I still love her but learning how to love myself...started to recognize some codependent behaviors I was in denial about or just couldn’t see from my previous vantage. Any tips on nuturing patience?

[Ste7e]

Ok reread abunch of DR over the last few days and am figuring it out better.
Yesterday was actually really good W came over about 6 hours before I was expecting her. I was luckily in a really good mood and we had a pretty fun conversation about her night before laughing etc.
I also caught the point where the conversation could have started to lag and excused myself to mow the lawn. Right when I was finishing she was leaving so things ended on a good note.
Im starting to understand detachment better...I just need to detach from my feelings of desire not detach from the person.
She came over today and is currently at the house and as soon as she arrived I said I had to go out and was running late. I will monitor if my absense has any effect? Really trying to GAL here joined meet up and signed up for some stuff etc.

Also made a first pass at a 180 list and put down 20 things...what I noticed was that most of the items were Action oriented items which are things I can tangibly monitor as either I am doing them or not...but some things were Emotion oriented items like stop being needy or stop being controlling. Not sure exactly how to monitor these?

[Ste7e]

Ok don’t know how to perceive this result?
I stayed away from house for 5 hours...came back she was still at the house watching tv in bed with sick pet. I asked her if she wanted to share steak I was making, she said yes then said she had to leave in 10 minutes? We talked and joked a bit about her new neighbors kids, all quite pleasant. I really had to muster some strength to be pleasant and remember to do eye contact as I am exhausted from my day out. She then said that she wants to take the sick pet to her house and would be back by later to pick it up. I didn’t argue about it and just said ok.
I guess its a good thing because it will give me a break from having to take care of it for awhile, and will be good to be able to go dark and totally give W space which I havent been able to do with her coming by everyday and staying last week. But I do have to admit I really do not like going dark because I donenjou her company. Just wish that she enjoyed mine.
So back to monitoring I cant tell if going out today gave me a result positive or negative? Was she waiting on me to return, perhaps curious how long I was out (note ahe never asked me where I was going) or did my absence push her away that she wants to take the pet?

[Ste7e]

Ok 2 weks later.
The pet died and it was very sad, W and I were both here and we went to her parents house to bury it and stayed the night there in seperate beds. Some of her girlfriends came over and despite the sad event we all had a good time and I kept my mood positive but I did cry pretty hard in front of W when I buried the pet. Which could be seen as a 180 because I had previously stifled my emotions over my family members who died last year...but it could also have made me look weak and needy...got to just own it as an authentic expression. W did commend me on doing a great job of taking care of sick pet. And I swear there was a point in the long drive where I could feel W staring at me in a peculiar way.
When we got home she initiated a “know that ILY” and gave me a hug before she left.
I then left out of town for a couple days to get some mental clarity myself. W stayed at my house and watched the pets she also texted me 5 days in a row with what felt like little temp checks. I responded briefly to each and even left one unanswered for 6 hours.
Monday I texted her to ask how she was doing emotionally over the pet (realized W had asked me about how I was and in my quasi darkness and positivity of where I was at neglected to ask ker) we then engaged in about 20 texts back and forth jokingly about stuff and I ended the conversation with arranging getting her money for my half the vet bills.
She left yesterday for a week with her girlfriends in Mexico and I am going dark.
I guess despite all the communication I really dont feel like things are mending. And despite all the GAL I am doing things still seem bleak.
I read all 5 threads of Sandis on the WW and am pretty sure mine is just a WAW who is just done. Need some hope to hang in there myself.
On a side note one of her close girlfriends and her bf reached out to me to hangout with them? Not sure if I should or not.

[Ste7e]

I also took the advice to get a haircut and started getting a new wardrobe for what its worth