I think I can hold it together when we do taxes and keep it about business,
Why do you have to do taxes together?
We have complicated taxes, and we get significantly more money back filing as married.
Quote:
I also need to ask if she wants to stay on my medical insurance (and pay me for it) since open enrollment is coming up
Why would you ask her this? Your still married correct?
Still married legally.
I'd rather change to a different plan. She currently pays me $200 a month for her health insurance premiums. Since open enrollment is a two week period, if we want to make changes, now is the time.
Quote:
and discuss paying for the dogs.
I have two dogs and my W moved out, we never discussed them once. What needs to be discussed? Do they go to doggie daycare every day or something out of the ordinary?
They go to expensive training. One has behavioral issues. We're supposed to have shared custody of them, so I feel that their financial upkeep (vet bills, training etc.) is a shared responsibility.
Quote:
I am sending the message that I'm not hanging out with her right now, but I don't want to appear to be pouting and withdrawing.
Why do you have to send her an email explaining your intentions?
I didn't - I the "message" I sent was by my actions :-)
Good move unfollowing her on Facebook.....I recommend you stay off SM completely.
That's a bit of a bind. I'd rather stay off SM, but it's also very instrumental in my GAL efforts, since a lot of my climbing partners use it to communicate.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
We have complicated taxes, and we get significantly more money back filing as married.
That is fine but why does it have to be done together with the both of you being present in each other's company. I filed our taxes this year as MR, my sent me her documents and I filed. She wasn't present.
Just make sure you are not looking for reasons to interact or be in her presence.
Quote:
I'd rather change to a different plan. She currently pays me $200 a month for her health insurance premiums. Since open enrollment is a two week period, if we want to make changes, now is the time.
If this is BAU for you and would normally be a topic of conversation then fine....I just would not go looking to make a bunch of changes just because of the situation. Most insurance plans have significant life event clauses that allow you to change in the middle of your plan for these types of situations.
Quote:
They go to expensive training. One has behavioral issues. We're supposed to have shared custody of them, so I feel that their financial upkeep (vet bills, training etc.) is a shared responsibility.
Makes sense, when my W moved we both sat down and agreed on what each of us would pay based on our incomes. If you haven't already done so then I definitely would pursue some sort of an agreement between the both of you.
The financial piece is hard to navigate......you don't want to pay for their lifestyle but you also don't want them to stay in the house just for financial reasons either. When my W told me she wanted to go I just said ok let's sit down and discuss how we can make this happen.
Quote:
I didn't - I the "message" I sent was by my actions :-)
Ok cool, yes by your actions no words. It is time to really stick to Sandi's rules, strictly NC unless it is about money or I guess your dogs
Quote:
That's a bit of a bind. I'd rather stay off SM, but it's also very instrumental in my GAL efforts, since a lot of my climbing partners use it to communicate.
If you must just don't take the bait and peak at what she is up to. The struggle is not with her but with yourself.
We have complicated taxes, and we get significantly more money back filing as married.
That is fine but why does it have to be done together with the both of you being present in each other's company. I filed our taxes this year as MR, my sent me her documents and I filed. She wasn't present.
Just make sure you are not looking for reasons to interact or be in her presence.
No. I loaned her the laptop with turbotax on it. She's entered her stuff, we're just sitting down together for the "finale"
Quote:
I'd rather change to a different plan. She currently pays me $200 a month for her health insurance premiums. Since open enrollment is a two week period, if we want to make changes, now is the time.
If this is BAU for you and would normally be a topic of conversation then fine....I just would not go looking to make a bunch of changes just because of the situation. Most insurance plans have significant life event clauses that allow you to change in the middle of your plan for these types of situations.
Yeah, this is tricky A qualifying life even is a marriage or divorce. We're separated but not divorced. Right now she pays me $200 a month for her premiums.
I don't want to precipitate a divorce, so I don't know if it's better to give her the option to get off my coverage now - or just say and do nothing.
Quote:
They go to expensive training. One has behavioral issues. We're supposed to have shared custody of them, so I feel that their financial upkeep (vet bills, training etc.) is a shared responsibility.
Makes sense, when my W moved we both sat down and agreed on what each of us would pay based on our incomes. If you haven't already done so then I definitely would pursue some sort of an agreement between the both of you.
The financial piece is hard to navigate......you don't want to pay for their lifestyle but you also don't want them to stay in the house just for financial reasons either. When my W told me she wanted to go I just said ok let's sit down and discuss how we can make this happen.
Right. I think I'll indicate that I feel they're a shared responsibility and ask how she wants to handle it. I'm fine with keeping track and having her pay me back in the future, but I think the advice that I wait for her to suggest it is sound.
Quote:
I didn't - I the "message" I sent was by my actions :-)
Ok cool, yes by your actions no words. It is time to really stick to Sandi's rules, strictly NC unless it is about money or I guess your dogs
Yeah, this part is really tough. It's so counterintuitive. I feel like I'm going to miss the chance to recon by not being there and staying close. I know from these boards that that's not true - but it's a constant struggle.
Quote:
That's a bit of a bind. I'd rather stay off SM, but it's also very instrumental in my GAL efforts, since a lot of my climbing partners use it to communicate.
If you must just don't take the bait and peak at what she is up to. The struggle is not with her but with yourself. [/quote]
Absolutely. This is tough. I need to unfollow her.
Today she posted something on FB about "how blessed she feels, in so many ways today". I'm not sure if she's trying to convince herself, or other people, but <gag> I'm pretty sure if you're that happy you just ARE, you don't need to make public declarations of it.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Man.... gotta let go of her on social media. Trust me on this one. For your own sanity, block her and if you don’t want to do that then unfollow her immediately
No. I loaned her the laptop with turbotax on it. She's entered her stuff, we're just sitting down together for the "finale"
Just make sure you are not looking for reasons to see her. You can pull up Turbo Tax on any computer and log in to see what was filed.
I did our taxes and sent my W an email letting her know how much of a return we were getting.
Quote:
I don't want to precipitate a divorce, so I don't know if it's better to give her the option to get off my coverage now - or just say and do nothing.
Is she still paying you the $200 a month? I would not do anything that would be perceived as advancing the D if you don't want one. My 10 cents
Quote:
Yeah, this part is really tough. It's so counterintuitive. I feel like I'm going to miss the chance to recon by not being there and staying close. I know from these boards that that's not true - but it's a constant struggle.
Remember your W is an A with another man....why would you want to be close to her? If you do she will view you as being weak. Yes hard, but the truth. Read up on Alpha Males and male/female relationships.
Recon will come on her timeline not yours.......just remember the faster you heal, the faster you get your feet underneath of you and start moving forward without her your timeline for recon will be reduced.
Also realize that you may get D'd before it ever happens, if it happens. Accept your MR is over and many spouses never return.
Quote:
Right. I think I'll indicate that I feel they're a shared responsibility and ask how she wants to handle it. I'm fine with keeping track and having her pay me back in the future, but I think the advice that I wait for her to suggest it is sound.
It just depends on what type of financial burden it is putting you in. When my W moved out I paid more of the expenses because I make more money. Try to think big picture and do you feel like your being taken advantage of. If you feel this way then it might be worthwhile to bring it up and be honest with her about what you can and can not afford.
Quote:
Today she posted something on FB about "how blessed she feels, in so many ways today". I'm not sure if she's trying to convince herself, or other people, but <gag>
If you say you can't get off of SM for GAL reasons then so be it but I would un-follow her if it is going to mess with your mind. I personally would do it because I would not want to hear or see those things.
Also remember it is time for you to circle the wagons, you circle the wagons around yourself. Don't put yourself in a position that makes you uncomfortable, sacrifices your values or your morale compass. You are weak, confused, hurt and emotionally spent (this is not an attack I was there 11 months ago) so only do things that make you feel good and that start to build your self-esteem.
About 2 months after my W told me she wanted a D I had to ask her to not come to my birthday party because she didn't make me feel good and I was emotionally weak. You will have to make some of the same decisions until you are emotionally able to stand on your own.
No. I loaned her the laptop with turbotax on it. She's entered her stuff, we're just sitting down together for the "finale"
Just make sure you are not looking for reasons to see her. You can pull up Turbo Tax on any computer and log in to see what was filed.
I did our taxes and sent my W an email letting her know how much of a return we were getting.
Quote:
I don't want to precipitate a divorce, so I don't know if it's better to give her the option to get off my coverage now - or just say and do nothing.
Is she still paying you the $200 a month? I would not do anything that would be perceived as advancing the D if you don't want one. My 10 cents
She is. She also said she thought she might qualify for medicaid on her own. So I'm not sure which action (leaving the status quo or suggested we cancel her coverage during open enrollment w/o needing a divorce) is less likely to lead to a D.
Quote:
Yeah, this part is really tough. It's so counterintuitive. I feel like I'm going to miss the chance to recon by not being there and staying close. I know from these boards that that's not true - but it's a constant struggle.
Remember your W is an A with another man....why would you want to be close to her? If you do she will view you as being weak. Yes hard, but the truth. Read up on Alpha Males and male/female relationships.
Recon will come on her timeline not yours.......just remember the faster you heal, the faster you get your feet underneath of you and start moving forward without her your timeline for recon will be reduced.
Also realize that you may get D'd before it ever happens, if it happens. Accept your MR is over and many spouses never return.
Quote:
Right. I think I'll indicate that I feel they're a shared responsibility and ask how she wants to handle it. I'm fine with keeping track and having her pay me back in the future, but I think the advice that I wait for her to suggest it is sound.
It just depends on what type of financial burden it is putting you in. When my W moved out I paid more of the expenses because I make more money. Try to think big picture and do you feel like your being taken advantage of. If you feel this way then it might be worthwhile to bring it up and be honest with her about what you can and can not afford.
See, realistically I can afford the dogs. But part of me does feel that it's a shared responsibility and I don't want to enabled her fantasy where she's free and independent, but I still take care of things for her.
Quote:
Today she posted something on FB about "how blessed she feels, in so many ways today". I'm not sure if she's trying to convince herself, or other people, but <gag>
If you say you can't get off of SM for GAL reasons then so be it but I would un-follow her if it is going to mess with your mind. I personally would do it because I would not want to hear or see those things.
Also remember it is time for you to circle the wagons, you circle the wagons around yourself. Don't put yourself in a position that makes you uncomfortable, sacrifices your values or your morale compass. You are weak, confused, hurt and emotionally spent (this is not an attack I was there 11 months ago) so only do things that make you feel good and that start to build your self-esteem.
About 2 months after my W told me she wanted a D I had to ask her to not come to my birthday party because she didn't make me feel good and I was emotionally weak. You will have to make some of the same decisions until you are emotionally able to stand on your own.
Yea, really struggling right now. I'm going to unfollow her. I'm having a hugely hard time accepting that my M is over.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
She is. She also said she thought she might qualify for medicaid on her own. So I'm not sure which action (leaving the status quo or suggested we cancel her coverage during open enrollment w/o needing a divorce) is less likely to lead to a D.
If it was me I would leave as is and wait for her to approach you.
Quote:
See, realistically I can afford the dogs. But part of me does feel that it's a shared responsibility and I don't want to enabled her fantasy where she's free and independent, but I still take care of things for her.
I agree it is a shared responsibility, I think you will know when the timing is right to have the conversation. You don't want to come across as you are punishing her or looking to make a point. Timing is everything. It took me 3 months before I cut my W off and made her start paying her cell bill.
Quote:
Yea, really struggling right now. I'm going to unfollow her. I'm having a hugely hard time accepting that my M is over.
Good, that is the right move. Your old MR is over the best you can hope for is a new MR in the future. The quicker you accept it, the quicker you dust yourself off and move forward the quicker you will heal.
This part is [censored], I am not going to lie. I cried my eyes out, had sleepless nights, didn't eat anything, always wondered what she was doing, where she was going, etc. TBH the best thing that happened for you is that she moved out. It will help you heal much faster than having to see her every day.
Just remember she is with OM you don't want any part of her during this time if you are going to get her respect back and potentially her affection. You have to respect yourself enough to let her go before she will ever respect you back.
Follow the rules to a T. I can't stress that enough and don't go all Mr. Melty man when you see her.
How do you suggest I field it if she continues to make friendly overtures? I agree that I don't want to accept, but I don't want to come off as if I'm punishing her either. Saying "We won't be hanging out while you're with OM sounds hurt and vindictive".
My coach suggested a fairly honest approach. Something like: "I'm not ready for that. I've never been here before. My most important thing now is to improve myself and keep my self respect"
I'm interested in other suggestions though.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
