- To GAL: I'm pursuing my non-work passion (climbing) as much as possible, and trying to keep busy and expand my social circle. I have a few home projects as well that take a fair amount of time.
Things I could have done better: - I could have been less emotionally attached to sex. I could have pouted less when she wasn't interested.
- I could have been more supportive when she was sick. I tried to support her, but not always the way she needed. I did at times question and invalidate. I did try to push her (I thought I was being supportive, but she didn't take it that way).
- I could have been less focused on pursuing climbing, and more on the enjoying the moment.
Things she could have done better: - She could have CONSISTENTLY tried to work on things. She claims the she "Gave and gave for years, and I just took" . It seems to me (and most outsiders) that she would try sporadically, but never make a sustained effort.
- Along these lines, right after our first fight/bomb drop she bough some books on mindfulness in relationships, but she never actually READ them (I did).
- she could have communicated her needs better. IF she had said "I'm scare, please stay with me" when she was sick, I never would have left her. She thinks she was a blunt and open communicator, but often she wasn't.
- She could have taken more responsibility for her actions. A recurring them in our relationship was that everything was my fault.
My game plan: Take care of the dogs. Climb as much as possible. Expand my social circle and meet as many people as possible. Start saving money very aggressively again (I want to retire early)
At some point I'll want a partner, (I miss having an adventure buddy, I miss sex after 6-12 months of living in a dead bedroom), but I'm NOT ready to date anyone yet.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Oh reframe! we have so much to talk about. Just about climbing alone will be awesome
I have to run to a meeting but will get back to you soon. Hang in there bro! I see so much in your sitch that resembles mine. Will get back to you soon.
Setback (for me) that I have no one but myself to blame for. I snooped a bit, and saw that she used her ovulation tracker (i.e. avoiding getting pregnant) last night. I knew she was sleeping with OM, but the visceral confirmation that my wife has sex with him last night is really hitting me hard.
We're supposed to do taxes together tomorrow, I'm not sure how I can keep my rage and depression to myself when we do. I feel pretty down and hopeless right now.
I realize the snooping is self sabotage. Really struggling right now though.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Feeling hopeless about the future of our relationship, and about my ability to move past it and work on myself. Part of my feels like I should just file for D.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
What about saying something like, "I understand you don't have the money right now. I can cover and get them the care they need and at the end I will total it up and you can pay me half when you are able?" Just something that doesn't totally let her off the hook and leave you a doormat, but isn't an attack on her 'bubble'. The last thing you want is for her to feel like you are her bubble's enemy.
please don't send that message... that comes across soooo weak... maybe you can ask her how she would like to handle it... "so--how do you suppose we ought to go about taking care of this?" or, "any thoughts on how we might handle the vet bills?" let her ask you for the help... let her offer to pay you back... i'm sure she has funds to spend on her new life with OM... maybe she ought to budget accordingly, instead of expecting you to help fund her WW living...
I don't get it - she's had issues in the MR with sex and not wanting it or being able to have it, and has given you grief about you wanting to have sex, but now is having sex with other people????
I concur with the view that you should snoop to get intel and once you have intel, back off and stop. I think you have your intel. Now stop. As you can tell, this is going to harm you and set you back in your own healing.
If you feel like you can't hold it together when you see her to do the taxes, why don't you postpone it a week or two. This way it gives you some space and time to deal with what you just found out and ground yourself so you can get through an interaction with her.
Alternately, do you HAVE to do the taxes in person together? Is there a way around that so you don't have to see her?
Listen, now is the time for super focused self-care. You have to do things that will help you jumpstart your path of healing. Do you have a counselor you can see? I think that putting your focus on climbing and expanding your social network are really good things. Why don't you start expanding your social network at the climbing gym? how long have you been going there?
I am sorry that you are going through this with the new intel. But at least you know now.
What about saying something like, "I understand you don't have the money right now. I can cover and get them the care they need and at the end I will total it up and you can pay me half when you are able?" Just something that doesn't totally let her off the hook and leave you a doormat, but isn't an attack on her 'bubble'. The last thing you want is for her to feel like you are her bubble's enemy.
please don't send that message... that comes across soooo weak... maybe you can ask her how she would like to handle it... "so--how do you suppose we ought to go about taking care of this?" or, "any thoughts on how we might handle the vet bills?" let her ask you for the help... let her offer to pay you back... i'm sure she has funds to spend on her new life with OM... maybe she ought to budget accordingly, instead of expecting you to help fund her WW living...
my two cents
--artista
agreed! Never fund her WW living ways... even in a secondary manner.
Good for you on the rock climbing... keep it up!! It is fun isn't it? and has a nice social dynamic.
For good ole facebook... I recommend blocking her. If she wants to post stuff like that, then just block her. I did early on... and it was one of the best moves I made, 3 years later it is still that way :-). At the very least unfollow her.
For the taxes, I think this is a good opportunity for you. Request the required documents you need from her and take care of it on your own.
Maika - W.r.t. sex, there were health issues at play, we had an absolutely amazing sexual connection early on, but she was on hormonal birth control for years, which can really tank some people's libido. She claims that now that she's off it (for other health reasons) she's turned on "all the time" but she's also point blank said that she isn't attracted to me anymore.
There is also a lot of baggage and resentment over the issues we've had with it over the years. We'd seen a few therapists about it, and I thought we'd gotten past it briefly, but it was an issue that always returned. I'd considered leaving over it a few times.
Pinn - I've been climbing (all styles from bouldering to alpine mixed) for around 15 years, it's been a real passion of mine.
One of the issues is that OM is a yoga instructor at the gym where we both go (We were both his students) and I'd rather avoid seeing them together.
I think I can hold it together when we do taxes and keep it about business, I also need to ask if she wants to stay on my medical insurance (and pay me for it) since open enrollment is coming up. and discuss paying for the dogs. One of the points Chuck made was that I don't want to give the appearance of being punitive. I canceled our plans to have dinner then, so I am sending the message that I'm not hanging out with her right now, but I don't want to appear to be pouting and withdrawing.
She's acting kind of like a kid who said "I don't want to go to the dance with you, but we can still be friends". She doesn't seem to have any grasp of the magnitude of throwing away an 11 year relationship and wants to act like things are still fine between us. Still hugs me when she sees me, etc...
Good call on unfollowing her on Facebook. Last night I noticed that she hid changed her relationship status (to show nothing - it had still showed me as married) and it sent my mind cart wheeling again. I managed to sleep for about 5 hours...
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
She's acting kind of like a kid who said "I don't want to go to the dance with you, but we can still be friends". She doesn't seem to have any grasp of the magnitude of throwing away an 11 year relationship and wants to act like things are still fine between us. Still hugs me when she sees me, etc...
yea.. this is what you have to break and the earlier the better. I'm not suggesting being punitive... but no more hugs. Friendly neighbor is all you are now. Good call on canceling dinner.
I would still block her but that is up to you. You got this! Focus that energy else where!
I think I can hold it together when we do taxes and keep it about business,
Why do you have to do taxes together?
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I also need to ask if she wants to stay on my medical insurance (and pay me for it) since open enrollment is coming up
Why would you ask her this? Your still married correct?
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and discuss paying for the dogs.
I have two dogs and my W moved out, we never discussed them once. What needs to be discussed? Do they go to doggie daycare every day or something out of the ordinary?
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I am sending the message that I'm not hanging out with her right now, but I don't want to appear to be pouting and withdrawing.
Why do you have to send her an email explaining your intentions?
Good move unfollowing her on Facebook.....I recommend you stay off SM completely.
