She has not reached out to me at all during this time, and has taken the opportunity of no contact to move in with her affair partner (who she has been seeing since 4 months after our wedding, about a year ago now)
So what have you taken this time of no contact to do?
How are you different today than you were in January? How do you want to evolve moving forward?
I am alot different. In Jan i was still begging, pleading and asking all the "why's" in the world.
I have gotten back into exercise, re-focusing on my career goals, spending time with friends.
I know i am doing much better, physically and mentally than i was in DEC and JAN for sure. I look better, feel better. I just still get waves of rage / pain from the sheer betrayal of my marriage and family.She was completely remorseless and blamed everything, including her affair on me.
The difference i see is that most people talking about the WAS's are still in frequent contact with them. My wife straight up discarded me, for another man, who she is now living with, but she never seemed to have any interest in divorce other than telling me twice she wanted it. When i said i didn't want to divorce and told her if she wanted to she would have to do it herself, she never took an initiate to file or start the process. After 2 months on being discarded i finally fell to peer pressure from family and filed. I am now very much having regrets about that after reading about some of the DR techniques here. I feel like i jumped the gun in filing, before giving her affair time to fade off and lose its limerence.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
OK, more than likely she is like a lot of WAWs/WWs and is hoping you'll do the dirty work of divorce for her. So if your goal is R then I wouldn't do the heavy lifting of the D. Make her do it.
People's actions speak louder than their words. I can say I am going to give you a million dollars until I am blue in the face. You aren't a millionaire until I give you a million dollars. (Unless you already are a millionaire!)
So likely she is keeping you as plan B in case OM turns out to be a creep. Which is highly likely. As many around here say, the D doesn't usually happen in these cases until the LBS gets fed up and move it forward.
So are you fed up? Or are you still hoping for R? If the former then move forward with the D. If the latter then do not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The difference i see is that most people talking about the WAS's are still in frequent contact with them. My wife straight up discarded me, for another man, who she is now living with, but she never seemed to have any interest in divorce other than telling me twice she wanted it. When i said i didn't want to divorce and told her if she wanted to she would have to do it herself, she never took an initiate to file or start the process. After 2 months on being discarded i finally fell to peer pressure from family and filed. I am now very much having regrets about that after reading about some of the DR techniques here. I feel like i jumped the gun in filing, before giving her affair time to fade off and lose its limerence.
It may fade. It may not. My ex married OM, so who knows.
What do you have to gain from proceeding with the divorce? What do you have to gain from pulling it back?
To me, divorce or no, it doesnt really matter much while shes living with another person. I kind of believe that divorce is just the status update we make to the government. Frankly, the R you had is already dead, so what difference does it make how and when it's reported?
That said, that doesnt mean that you shouldnt keep hope alive for a potential future R with her. Just means that you would have to start over whether or not you are legally married.
We have our "first appearance" coming up this week. I already have a motion to place on hold and a motion to withdraw all drawn up.
I was planning on waiting until after the "First Appearance" to see what i would do regarding continuing vs. stopping / withdrawing divorce, as this meeting will be the first time her and i have been in visual proximity since the TRO was issued in Jan.
I may give it a week or so after this meeting to see if she reaches out, contacts or anything of the sort.
She got all angry back in Jan when i said i wouldn't file, she said "just do it already, we dont have a marriage"
Mind you this was all while she was still claiming the Affair parter was just a friend and that they only slept together once, despite the fact she knew full well i was aware of everything that had been going on.
I feel like if she REALLY wanted the divorce she would have filed herself sometime between Oct (2017) and Jan (2018), but she didnt.
I have a feeling that with her still "happy" (i can see plain as day she ISN'T happy, in the few photos ive seen) with her affair partner an order to hold or cancel divorce would just anger her, but at this point id rather have her not get her way and have to face the music of the situation she created herself, She is very very non-confrontational and as i said i believe the TRO was just a very extreme avoidance technique, same reason why she wasnt ever willing to discuss the affair or or relationship, and why she left our home as soon as i found out about the affair.
Any advice in dealing with someone who will go all the way to self destructive behaviors in an attempt to avoid confrontation?
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
OrangeK, there are no guarantees, but if you don't want D then don't pursue it. I know you filed already, but that doesn't mean you have to follow through. 25 posts a statistic sometimes that something like half of all D's filed in CA never go through.
I have a story to share with you that is VERY similar to your sitch. A good friend of mine was married, 2nd M for both of them. No kids together. His W suddenly went rogue WAS on him, decided she was done, wanted nothing to do with him, left him and almost immediately moved in with an OM. They sold their home and their business, split the proceeds and they didn't talk at all for over a year! I mean nothing- no talking, no texting, no emailing. Total radio silence. Guess what happened, she started reaching out to him, asking how he was doing. For a while they just texted back and forth, then she wanted to have lunch with him. Then dates. Anyway just to show how crazy life is, they have been back living together for a couple of years now and are happier than ever. They never did get D'd. I can't say your outcome will be the same, but I CAN say that radio silence is sometimes EXACTLY what is needed even though it doesn't "feel" right.
In some of your experiences, how long has the WW affairs lasted? (i know this will vary) My WW has been seeing her OM for about a year now, her and i separated since Oct. and they have been living together for about 2 months now. I have this feeling like the new relationship is losing its shine now that they are moved in, settled in and living a "Normal everyday life" together. She gets bored and dissatisfied easily, i just never saw the red flags myself when i was with her. It wasnt until i had to go dark and GAL that i was able to see certain aspects of her personality.
Ive seen a few photos of them (i was shown these, didnt ask to see them, in keeping with GAL) and she looks unhappy, or at least Like shes just "tolerating things" as opposed to bathing in the glory of limerence of the relationship like she had been a few months ago.
Due to the TRO, we haven't spoken in months (since Jan 24th) i think she may have reached out to temp check or at least in regards to our son recently if she knew I'd be able to respond, but due to the TRO i cannot so i think she has just left it alone, but thats just speculation on my part.
I guess my question would be, how long have other WW situations lasted before others WW's cracked a bit and started reaching out to them? Do certain events play a role in the breakdown of the OM relationship? like moving in together? spending all their time together as opposed to less frequent "secret" meetups / dates? Does she miss our home? Our family life, now that shes replaced me with someone else? (admittedly a downgrade {which i have heard is common with Affair Partners} , not trying to be jealous or vindictive, just a fact. the dude is in poor shape, not attractive, lived with his parents until they got an apartment)
I feel like she never intended to actually have this blow up to what it is. I Feel like her original intention was to have the affair and not tell me or have me find out (obviously) and she would have done one of two things.
1.) took the "time and space" she had been asking last for to "fix the marriage" last summer (during the affair), to continue her affair, have fun with it, and eventually come home and pretend like nothing happened. the whole Cake scenario. 2.) to take the "time and space" to fade away and not come home, and pursue her new relationship with out all of the drama, exposure and lies that ended up happening because i became suspicious and called her out on infidelity 6 months into a marriage.
Either way, i get the feeling now that she has backed herself into a corner and has to be with this guy (she cannot handle being alone or staying for any length of time with her mom, which is where she went when she first left out home in Oct.) and now she feels just as trapped as she may have felt during our relationship that lead her to pursue an affair to begin with.
My son has finally made the connection this guy isnt "mommys friend" but is taking my place, and where my son used to say he liked the OM, and he was his friend, now he says OM is a "bad man" and "i dont like him". so i feel like this is going to also add stress over in their new camp.
I know everyones experience will differe from my own and each relationship / affair/ marraige is different, but i feel like these types of affairs do tend to follow some patterns in reghards to timelines, emotional responses and outcomes so i would appreciate any shared experiences or advice.
So far i am doing well with No Contact, despite the fact i never wanted it and it was forced on me legally. It has been a blessing in disguise. My son and i are closer, im healtheir (i lost 40 lbs from Oct-Feb). Hitting old hobbies, the gym, work, my fire/rescue volunteer stuff. So I MYSELF, am doing well, with theexception of some low points or low days when i miss her, miss being together as a family, or when i hear about all the fun things WW and OM take my son to do that i cannot afford.
Thanks again to everyone helping, im staying strong and waiting.
Still waiting to see how things go at "first appearance" for divorce day after tomorrow before i decide to move forward with D, put it on hold or withdraw it.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Either way, i get the feeling now that she has backed herself into a corner and has to be with this guy (she cannot handle being alone or staying for any length of time with her mom, which is where she went when she first left out home in Oct.) and now she feels just as trapped as she may have felt during our relationship that lead her to pursue an affair to begin with.
i am afraid this is you lying to yourself... the truth is--as far as human nature goes--people will do whatever they have to do to be with the one they want... she took out an RO on you to be with the OM... if she changes her mind and wants to be back with you, she will figure out a way to do it... heck, she could take out an RO on OM...
you have had NC since January, yet you are fully attached to this W who treated you like $h1+... go ahead and opt for being her Plan B... maybe she will choose Plan B at some point... but it's only until Plan A comes to fruition...
better yet, take this GIFT of NC to FOCUS ON YOU AND YOUR CHILD... GAL... really! you have this time to really suck the marrow out of life... to live to the Nth degree! get to that place where you can feel confident in letting the chips fall where they may because no matter where they fall, your life is going to be AWESOME! you can do that!
