Recap: Wife is having something of a midlife crisis, and is in many ways following the script. She moved out a week ago, and two days ago told me she was dating an aquaintance of ours. Oh course that had nothing to do with her urgency to move out, and she was telling me "to be respectful".
She is now posting pictures of them cheek to cheek on Facebook. Apparently that's respectful too.
She's still pursuing being friendly with me, while I'm trying to implement Sandie's rules and GAL. We had plans to do dinner and taxes this week, I just suggested that we keep it to taxes.
Not sure where this will all land. A month ago I desperately wanted her back, now I alternate between that feeling and anger and disappointment in her.
This community has been fantastic, and just seeing that how similar my experiences are to what other's have been through, and that I am handling a lot of this right, is huge.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
reframe I will give you the advice I give everyone related to FB. Just suspend your account. Being on there will be an endless barrage of you seeing things that only upset you.
Hardly anyone takes this advice but I've seen it giving by lots of different "stop a divorce" experts.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve85 - That's very sound advice. I'm not sure how practical it is for me though, since I use FB for a lot of my GAL efforts coordinating activity partners and the like.
Have a coaching session this afternoon. Just need to keep breathing in the meanwhile.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
The wife said via text today that "She doesn't mind the idea of splitting vet costs, but it might be a few months before I can really do that".
My gut reaction is that "that's not my problem, and should have been considered before you moved out". But I haven't responded yet. Might wait until after the coaching session to respond.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Anything from the people who have been following this (Maika, JoeJoe, Steve)?
I feel like this is a bit of a double bind.
If I just for the dogs (a shared responsibility IMO) I'm being a bit of a doormat, but I'm also confident that if I pointed out what I wrote above, it would be seen as controlling and trying to force her back.
Honestly it just shows more how little regard she seems to have for anyone or anything besides what she wants right now.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Reframe, I read through your entire story and I really feel for you man. I'm in the same boat, only just starting out. There's no way around it; it's the hardest, crappiest, most awful feeling thing I've ever had to go through.
I don't think you should say anything about the fact she can't pay the vet bills right now. It would only piss her off, probably. WAS/WWs become very, very selfish even if they aren't trying to be and a lot of their thinking just isn't logical or well-planned. They get caught up in what they want and these big decisions they are making for themselves to 'better their life'. Any attempt to burst the bubble is just not going to productive. It has to burst on its own and they have to deal with the aftermath and not have someone (especially your) to blame. I say this with fresh clarity after making a mistake in a convo with my W.
However, that doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to be a doormat. Obviously, these are your dogs too and you aren't going to let them go without vet care just because she can't pay half. What about saying something like, "I understand you don't have the money right now. I can cover and get them the care they need and at the end I will total it up and you can pay me half when you are able?" Just something that doesn't totally let her off the hook and leave you a doormat, but isn't an attack on her 'bubble'. The last thing you want is for her to feel like you are her bubble's enemy.
Regarding the FB issue, I think there is a way you can 'unfollow' someone or tell FB you don't want to see their posts without blocking or unfriending them. They will never the know the difference, but it might be a healthier way for you to continue to use FB without constantly seeing pics of your W and her bf and getting punched in the gut.
M: 26 W: 26 M: 1.5 T: 3 No kids BD: 31 March 2018
W's affair began: 23 March 2018 Affair confirmed: 18 April 2018 Confrontation/claims she ended A: 14 May 2018 Ended in-house separation: July 2018
In the beginning, every concession or agreeing to do something looks like you're being a doormat. You want to stand up for everything and that there is no dent in your self-respect armor. So, you go from one extreme to the other. I am not saying you're doing it, but that the thinking process moves from one end of the spectrum to the other and is unable to parse through the gray in between.
In the case of your dogs, instead of thinking about what W needs to do, what are your values? Are you going to let the dogs starve? Are you going to let them stay sick? Make a decision from those values.
Also, can your W truly financially contribute to this right now? If no, I wouldn't push this issue. On the other side, can you financially take on this cost fully? If not, then the option would be to give up the dogs to new homes. So, think about all of that.
Always always start thinking about your potential actions from what your values are. Don't try to stick to W. Be firm, assertive, pleasant, and handle your business.
Give your W all the space that she wants, and not control her through finances or other measures. I am not saying give her a free pass, but define your actions with confidence.
yes, she has little regard for anyone else but her right now. let her take the ticket to the moon and see how things really are. She'll find those craters as soon as she gets up close.
thanks! that is great advice. My concern was coming like I was trying to control things.
I'm financially comfortable, so paying for the dogs is not a big deal, and I'm obviously not going to fail to take care of them.
I think a reasonable approach is to say "I think the dogs are a shared responsibility. I'll keep track of expenses, and you can pay me back one you're more settled".
thoughts?
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
