OrangeK, you will not get anywhere being so focused on her, her behavior, and what may or may not be causing it. You can only control you so control you! Be the best you that you can possibly be!
She'll either come around or she won't. But nothing you say or do in an effort to change her will work. She has to do her own work and want to change. You can try to influence that by following good DB principles. See Cadet's links, read them 2 or 3 times.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey all. I posted in Newcomers recently, wanted to get some advice.
My wife fabricated a story about me denting her car back in Jan, and it resulted in the state taking out a temporary restraining order on me. This was totally false and fabricated. She has not reached out to me at all during this time, and has taken the opportunity of no contact to move in with her affair partner (who she has been seeing since 4 months after our wedding, about a year ago now)
the no contact is driving me nuts. the last time we spoke was outside a marriage councilor meeting that went very poorly. She told me she wanted a divorce back in Jan, she never filed.
I ended up filing in late Feb. but i honestly dont want to go through with it. not until we have had a chance to talk, and let things cool down.
I have no clue how to proceed moving forward. Do i continue with divorce? Put it on hold? Withdraw it entirely? I want to fix our marriage, but she clearly doesn't want to. I want to raise our 3 year old together, but she has found a replacement for me there too.
this [censored].
S
Last edited by Cadet; 04/09/1804:56 AM. Reason: threads merged
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Yes we are, her work schedule is too busy for her to not need my help. All of our swaps for our son have been done through her mother these past 3 months due to the unjustified TRO.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I have no clue how to proceed moving forward. Do i continue with divorce? Put it on hold? Withdraw it entirely? I want to fix our marriage, but she clearly doesn't want to. I want to raise our 3 year old together, but she has found a replacement for me there too.
You can't proceed to move forward you have a RO. As for continuing with the divorce, that's up to you. We can't make that decision. Sounds like you don't want to. Sounds like you want some control.
In order to get some control, you have to relinquish control.
At this point, nothing is clear except that she wants you to stay the heck away. Do this, stay away.
Why do you want to save this marriage to this crazy W that lied to get an RO?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Because i know how her mind works, It was an avoidance technique she implemented after i caught her at her AP's house. Rather than confronting the reality of the mess she made, she fabricated to BS to make sure we didnt have to speak for a while.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Ive been Reading Sandi's Rules. All awesome stuff, my question is what if i had been doing the begging and pleading for a few months (which obviously blew up in my face)
And i do believe she has some sort of PD. Be it borderline, NPD, or some other Cluster B. i have no clue.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Ive been Reading Sandi's Rules. All awesome stuff, my question is what if i had been doing the begging and pleading for a few months (which obviously blew up in my face)
And i do believe she has some sort of PD. Be it borderline, NPD, or some other Cluster B. i have no clue.
No matter what you have been doing or what you are doing, time to change and start doing what is suggested here.
Because i know how her mind works, It was an avoidance technique she implemented after i caught her at her AP's house. Rather than confronting the reality of the mess she made, she fabricated to BS to make sure we didnt have to speak for a while.
i repeat RR's question... Why do you want to save this marriage to this crazy W that lied to get an RO?
because that's how her mind works? she is willing to put you in a legal bind and you are okay with it because that's how her mind works? i think maybe you're kind of crazy too... seriously...
at this point, you don't have to do anything regarding the D, but you do need to carry on to become the best version of you that you possibly can... don't waste this total black out trying to figure out how to connect with her... use it for YOU... focus on YOU... and on your child... you cannot trust your W on some pretty deep levels here... not only does she cheat on you, she takes out a RO against you... she doesn't even have the decency to have a conversation with you... that's cruel, selfish...
