First post, need someone to listen

[Vanilla]

Personally I have no truck with waywardness in any shape or form, hers or yours. It's no way to be a parent.

There are three beautiful daughters in this emotional mess.

Children always come FIRST. Above you or your selfish wayward spouses needs. And yes that is evaluating both of you.

You are here on the board to do that, more power to you. It's time to clean up your act because I see it, these precious mites need one great loving parent and that's you.

Usually there is some deep damage which goes back prior to the M. I think that might be your case, are you having IC?

Are there FOO issues you need to address.

I understand you hurt, feel guilty, possibly afraid. Almost certainly have red anger which seeks revenge?

I think you have no choice but to stand up to the plate, these are wonderful bundles in your life and they have to have the best dad they can have.

This is a time of great change for you, are you dad enough for it?

V

I do my best. Feeling really lost atm.

Truly your route through this is for your Ds. For your children, if you put them first above all then you are doing the right thing.

So tell me your plan on this.

What is your best?

V

[InFocus]

I am trying to get more time with them. Establish that I am the primary caregiver, as before all this I had the more flexible schedule and took them to school, picked them up, set up extra curricular activities, etc.

I am trying to rent a home that can accommodate us comfortably within 2-3 blocks of our marital home which my wife has completely assumed control of (changed locks). I need to show that I am a big part of their lives. My stbxw seems to want to limit me from them while telling everyone she wants me to be in their life, just on her terms.

I am working on me. Physical, mental, spiritual. I am alcohol free for the last 6 days. Taking it one day at a time.

Going to counseling every week to talk about my issues. Working on anger management, alcohol abuse, how I have acted inappropriately, how to fix myself, how to let go, how to be there for my kids during this tough time.

I am focused right now on being ready for mediation and communicating in a positive way with a stbxw that wants nothing to do with me and blames me for all her pain and sadness.

I am trying to stay positive and happy. Focus on the good in my life and be an example for my kids.

What am I missing here? I try not to focus on the why or the future. It's out of my control. Just me, right now...thats all I have. Doing my best with that.

[Vanilla]

OK now we are motoring a little.

Let's look at the wording of the above and make these goals, ok?

1 and 2 drop the word trying. Either do or don't. Try is a Weasel word.

3. Let's split that one up. I think you have two goals.

Oh and congrats on being 6 days free of alcohol. That is a huge
Start. Are you 12 stepping? How are you achieving this?

4. Love the IC goal. Can I recommend a free flow journal, just free flow, just for you, needn't even be English with punctuation. Can be anything, good bad, painful etc. None will read just gets the pain on paper.

5. So how are you focusing?

6. So how are you doing this? A gratitude journal? There is a free app called gratitude garden I use almost every day. Deepak Chopra has free meditations on the Oprah site, saves a few pennies. There are great youtube meditations and of course you will be aware of Ted Talks, look at Brene Brown on shame.

Today is just great, getting through today is enough, more than enough.

Can we convert these to a purpose and goal? It's a terrific start BTW.

V

[InFocus]

OK now we are motoring a little.

Let's look at the wording of the above and make these goals, ok?

1 and 2 drop the word trying. Either do or don't. Try is a Weasel word.

3. Let's split that one up. I think you have two goals.

Oh and congrats on being 6 days free of alcohol. That is a huge
Start. Are you 12 stepping? How are you achieving this?

4. Love the IC goal. Can I recommend a free flow journal, just free flow, just for you, needn't even be English with punctuation. Can be anything, good bad, painful etc. None will read just gets the pain on paper.

5. So how are you focusing?

6. So how are you doing this? A gratitude journal? There is a free app called gratitude garden I use almost every day. Deepak Chopra has free meditations on the Oprah site, saves a few pennies. There are great youtube meditations and of course you will be aware of Ted Talks, look at Brene Brown on shame.

Today is just great, getting through today is enough, more than enough.

Can we convert these to a purpose and goal? It's a terrific start BTW.

V

Thanks Vanilla...appreciate you and your support.

1 and 2 I am doing. Got a showing today but won't be available for 40 days though.

3 is just about being pure of any and all substances. About clarity of mind and body and spirit, so I can be clear and grounded.

4 I need all the help I can get lol

5 By being mindful and present. Having a plan. Executing the plan. Actions and behaviors correlating to good, civil interactions. I am noticing her strain to talk with me for anything, even when I am nice.

6. Just journaling in my phone, here, and in about a dozen word documents that I do every other day or so. I will check out your suggestions.

My purpose and goals today are to excel at work, see this house and if it's good, apply to rent, pick up my kids, happened some quality time. When it's time to grab their belongings from my stbxw, I will be detached and show positive indifference. She wants my the garage door opener. I will give it.

She may want to talk mediation and how to get rolling on divorce...I need to plan a bit for this. I want to do it, but the children are my #1 concern and I want to be a big part of their lives like I have always been.

She will object to this if I bring it up.

I also want a 6 month timeline to sell the marital home so I can use the equity to buy a new place next year.

What am I missing? Any advice?

[Vanilla]

I have the bulk of the week with my daughters because i have establish that I am the primary caregiver,I have demonstrated that i have the more flexible schedule and I take them to school, picked them up, set up extra curricular activities, etc. I have documented this for my L.

I am renting a suitable home that can accommodate us comfortably within 2-3 blocks of our marital home and I can show that I am a big part of their lives.

I am working on me in every way physical, mental, spiritual and my life is balanced. I am pure of any and all substances which has given me clarity of mind and body and spirit, I am clear and grounded.

I am proud to be alcohol free for the last 6 days, I am taking it one day at a time. I have an AA sponsor and I attend meetings.

I talk to a counselier every week to talk about anger management, alcohol abuse. Of concern to me is how I have acted inappropriately. I accept my responsibility is to fix myself and I am present for my kids during this tough time by meeting my obligations offering hugs and support every day.

I am focused being ready for mediation and communicating in a positive way even though there are challenges, I understand the process and cooperate with the process as advised by the mediator. I communicate well and without expectation.

A key focus is the good in my life which i diarise and note every day. I am a great role model for my kids by holding firm, staying sober and folowing a strong daily routine.

My major goal is to be with my children and I take my time formulating a plan that will allow this. I keep my plan privately to myself and my advisors.

-------------------------

How does that seem as a suggestion for an action plan you can build on?

V

[InFocus]

Camping with the kids. Theyre having fun. Raining. I miss her.

[InFocus]

Ok, so an update. Had a nice weekend with the kids. I did miss her, but we had a good time. I was a bit tense and withdrawn, but after listening to my kids - they've been stuck at home the last 3 weeks doing barely anything (my wife is a homebody).

My wife won't even look at me, let alone talk to me, or even text with me, other than to coordinate pickups and drop-offs.

I am apparently someone she wants nothing to do with. I'm still getting used to this obviously. I guess I shouldn't have told her she's being a selfish bitch and that I wanted 50/50 custody because that seemed to create this situation that I am now in.

She's talking to Domestic Violence Advocates and trying to get free legal advice. I'm confused what I should do?

Should I just get my lawyer to file? She obviously wants to be free of me. Should I make it quick? Should I just enjoy the time and space, since I don't want this.

Almost assuredly there is no other path than divorce. She has labeled me "abusive". While it's never been physical, I've been controlling and coercive. What is there to save?

No one can around me can give me any good advice. They say to talk to her, text her, try and have a straight up conversation. It's not happening, she won't let it.

So, what do I do? File first? I feel like I should do it, because that's what she wants and feels is best for her life. I also feel like I'm getting blame still for unhappiness.

Maybe I'm still trying to control the situation. I told my divorce lawyer I need time for her to communicate with me and decide if we can work this out amicably.

Since she completely refuses to talk to me, I guess there is no hope?

[lcause]

Almost assuredly there is no other path than divorce. She has labeled me "abusive". While it's never been physical, I've been controlling and coercive. What is there to save?

There is nothing to save but a possible better and new relationship to gain. Notice the key word in your paragraph: been. You are seemingly working on the traits you don't like about yourself, so stop projecting your past mistakes to your possible future. When BD happens, there is nothing to go back to but something new to be built. You can change and you will if you do the work. Vast majority of people live through their life with a fixed mindset: I was born like this and these traits are my inherent qualities. You have already noticed that a growth mindset (have been but can change/can learn) is a much more healthier option. Believe in yourself and the best advice that you will ever receive is what people really often mention in here: be the spouse only a fool would leave. This guarantees your future relationships to be bright.

No one can around me can give me any good advice. They say to talk to her, text her, try and have a straight up conversation. It's not happening, she won't let it.

Best advice is to detach and work on yourself. There is nothing you can show and words do not mean anything. Actions do, and over a substantial time period. Her feelings are raw and she is in defensive mode to guard her own emotions.

So, what do I do? File first? I feel like I should do it, because that's what she wants and feels is best for her life. I also feel like I'm getting blame still for unhappiness.

What does being divorced help in this situation? What if you stopped the mindreading and let her file if that's what she wants. You are not ready to do it yet.

Since she completely refuses to talk to me, I guess there is no hope?

There is always hope. Let time do its thing. Don't let your pessimistic thoughts to prevent you from truly reaching the goals you have set for yourself. I did this way too long and I regret it, even though I believe I'm living in the present and my history does not matter. I have seen stories of similar cases end up being reconciled and result in much more happy marriages. Be realistic, however, and work on to be in a mindset where you don't care which ever path your story eventually unveils.

[lcause]

There is no edit button so a new message to fix a wrong word. I meant to write "say" instead of "show". Show your changes via actions and be consistent,

[SteveLW]

Ok, so an update. Had a nice weekend with the kids. I did miss her, but we had a good time. I was a bit tense and withdrawn, but after listening to my kids - they've been stuck at home the last 3 weeks doing barely anything (my wife is a homebody).

My wife won't even look at me, let alone talk to me, or even text with me, other than to coordinate pickups and drop-offs.

I am apparently someone she wants nothing to do with. I'm still getting used to this obviously. I guess I shouldn't have told her she's being a selfish bitch and that I wanted 50/50 custody because that seemed to create this situation that I am now in.

She's talking to Domestic Violence Advocates and trying to get free legal advice. I'm confused what I should do?

Should I just get my lawyer to file? She obviously wants to be free of me. Should I make it quick? Should I just enjoy the time and space, since I don't want this.

Almost assuredly there is no other path than divorce. She has labeled me "abusive". While it's never been physical, I've been controlling and coercive. What is there to save?

No one can around me can give me any good advice. They say to talk to her, text her, try and have a straight up conversation. It's not happening, she won't let it.

So, what do I do? File first? I feel like I should do it, because that's what she wants and feels is best for her life. I also feel like I'm getting blame still for unhappiness.

Maybe I'm still trying to control the situation. I told my divorce lawyer I need time for her to communicate with me and decide if we can work this out amicably.

Since she completely refuses to talk to me, I guess there is no hope?

Take a deep breath. These things are roller coaster rides. Sounds like she is miffed about what you called her and your demand at equal custody. Par for the course. This is why you should try to control your outbursts because they will always make things worse not better. Ok, do better moving forward, but you can't take it back this time so don't dwell on it.

The Domestic Violence Advocacy is a ploy. Likely they will be privately laughing at her. Those folks deal with people that are almost killed by their Hs, so her calling them and saying "He called me the B word!" will be something they really don't care about. Her free legal advice will be "He's never touched you? You need to hire a divorce attorney if you want a D."

But seriously, just slow down. She will eventually come around and want to talk. Give her the time and space she needs to figure out that she needs to discuss things with you. And then remain in control. WWs/WASs are notorious for trying to irk their Hs into doing something they can use. Don't take the bait.