Help evaluating LRT progress

[HelenaJ]

He wanted this. I haven't been clinging. Why the anger? Why the attitude? That's what I don't get.

Everyone's personality is different, but to me it feels like some of the DB techniques could resemble indifference to a partner and in cases where there is no A (where indifference is so very warranted), I can see where perceived indifference right off the bat could be very hurtful. Even if he does want a divorce (based on his reactions to you, I don't think he does) he's still monitoring your reactions to this pronouncement to either reaffirm his "decision" or make him second guess it. If he perceives your reactions as indifference to his announcement/feelings then it's probably really hurting him which is coming back across to you as anger. He's put himself in this position and he knows it, but it's likely not what he wants and he's not getting the reaction he wanted. That's my guess.

[Olya]

Unless I text my H, he acts like I don't exist. Tbh, it's been so long, I neither need or want to text him anymore. All the things I would've texted him about in the past, I strive to handle myself.

That's where I'm at. I ask myself, if I have a problem, will he be there for me in the way that I need? The answer is no. If something good happens, will he be happy for me and proud of me? I honestly don't know. I've reached a point where I no longer bother.

Try and relax, get your work and exercise done and maybe enjoy the space if possible. Your H may miss you, he may find the time alone...lonely. Hopefully he'll allow himself some thinking time.

Doing just that. He is very lonely. He just goes out of his way not to allow himself any thinking time. He hasn't been wanting to think about what's going on with him and it's painfully obvious.

[Olya]

Everyone's personality is different, but to me it feels like some of the DB techniques could resemble indifference to a partner and in cases where there is no A (where indifference is so very warranted), I can see where perceived indifference right off the bat could be very hurtful. Even if he does want a divorce (based on his reactions to you, I don't think he does) he's still monitoring your reactions to this pronouncement to either reaffirm his "decision" or make him second guess it. If he perceives your reactions as indifference to his announcement/feelings then it's probably really hurting him which is coming back across to you as anger. He's put himself in this position and he knows it, but it's likely not what he wants and he's not getting the reaction he wanted. That's my guess.

I don't think he really wants a divorce either.

1. There's no one else.
2. He has not filed for divorce.
3. He has not cut me off financially.
4. He is happy to support me while I finish up law school.
5. He has made no steps to become more independent.
6. I still handle all the finances.
7. He has not logged into his bank account since the day we were married.
8. He has lost weight (he didn't have any to lose, honestly).
9. He spends his free time either exercising or sleeping or watching really bad movies. (He will fall asleep through those movies and then attempt to watch them again 2 or 3 times.)
10. He does not go out at night and goes to bed earlier than before (around 8 p.m.).
11. His sleep at night is restless.
12. He does not go anywhere or do anything.
13. Early on, he suggested separation, but all that meant is that I would stay with his parents and go to school and not come here on weekends. I told him no because this is my home and he acquiesced with no further argument.
14. The fridge is absolutely empty and he lives mostly on power bars and whatever piece of meat he can fry himself in the evening.


If he claims that he wasn't happy married to me, it does not look like he's very happy without me either. That unhappiness is his, and he carries it with him whether I am there or not.


I do think that my indifference is hurting him. When he was going through this last year, he told me in an unguarded moment that he felt like I gave up on the relationship. This time around he told me that I have this perfect idea of a marriage in my mind and that nothing he does will ever be good enough (that was one day before he asked for a divorce).

For my peace of mind, however, I don't think that I can just stop... nor do I think that I should. I'll start switching things up a little bit in a couple of weeks and see if that yields any results. Nothing major - I'll just ask him to go to a small craft brewery with me. He likes that place. If he doesn't go, I'll take myself there.

[InFocus]

Olya,

I am in the same spot as your husband. What do you want from us? What thoughts do you want him to think? What actions do you want him to take.

He could walk away and be happy. But he chooses to suffer with you because he does love and care about you.

If he did not, he would have been gone and happy with someone else already.

Perhaps your LRT has no goal other than your own selfish need to punish and keep score?

What is the objective? To be at a spot where he is so utterly destroyed by his own feelings for you, he is incapable of bettering himself?

[Olya]

Olya,

I am in the same spot as your husband. What do you want from us? What thoughts do you want him to think? What actions do you want him to take.

He could walk away and be happy. But he chooses to suffer with you because he does love and care about you.

If he did not, he would have been gone and happy with someone else already.

Perhaps your LRT has no goal other than your own selfish need to punish and keep score?

What is the objective? To be at a spot where he is so utterly destroyed by his own feelings for you, he is incapable of bettering himself?

With all due respect, I was not the one who asked for divorce. I was not the one who indicated that we can see other people. I was not the one who decided that the marriage is not salvageable after 2 marriage counseling sessions.

I want him to work on our marriage and I want him to get individual counseling.

His unhappiness is of his own choosing. My LRT goal is to keep myself from screaming into the night like a madwoman and to retain some modicum of dignity in the process. Perhaps, it is also to make him realize that his unhappiness does not stem from me - it is all his own and he needs to address it before it eats him alive.

[44tries]

Everything on your list matches so perfectly to the things I am holding onto/can't get past. If I felt W was truly happier and better off without me, it would be a lot easier to let her go. But when she has made no real moves toward an actual divorce, has stopped eating/cooking/grocery shopping, is suddenly focused on drinking and smoking, and has developed some strange obsession with her phone and inappropriate friendships, I have to say it doesn't feel like this is what she truly wants.

I so completely agree with the line that his unhappiness is his. I have been blamed for so much unhappiness, and I am not without fault, but I think the fact is that an unhappy person is going to be unhappy regardless of another. It's the same idea that another person cannot likewise make you happy.

I think it would all be much easier and simpler if his announcement of wanting a divorce was just to see your reaction and get affirmation. You clearly care and want to make things work. There wouldn't be such an impasse if this was all he needed to know. The issues are more deep-seated, but are probably mostly his own.

[lcause]

Projecting is one of the defense mechanisms we humans have. It is easier for our mind to shift the blame of our unhappiness (or something else) onto someone else's shoulders, rather than accept the hard reality and our own fault. When we shift the blame on someone else, it is much easier to keep our own self-image intact and consequently lessen or eliminate the emotional burden. Probably the scariest thing in defense mechanisms is that they are usually automatic - we act and utilize them in autopilot; the realization of a defense mechanism activation may never be noticed consciously unless the person understands their own emotions and behavior. Even the most emotionally strongest people utilize defense mechanisms to cope with sudden emotionally taxing situations in life. There are good ones (e.g. automatic realistic reframing of someone else's behavior: say for example your boss is yelling at you and you automatically think they are having issues in their own life rather than concluding it being a flaw on yourself/them hating you) and really bad ones (e.g. externalization: you get a bad grade in an exam and you directly blame the teacher, the school, the material or something completely irrelevant factor - projection is one of externalization's forms).

So, next time you see him angry or blaming you for his unhappiness, remember this. He is trying to cope with his internal "demons" by utilizing defense mechanisms to protect his own self-image; to keep him safe from the rawness of the true feelings or the possible shattering of the self-image. This is the reason why most people turn the image of their spouse completely around after the BD happens. Before, they could love this person for years; after, the spouse is a monster who deserves a bad life.

The sad part? Projection happens quite often as seen in this board. People expect spouses to bring the happiness when in fact true happiness is gained by consistent growth of oneself.

I read your story through and as a word of encouragement, you seem to be a really strong person. Whether this goes as you currently want it or not, you will learn a lot from this and will eventually find your place with or without him. I admire your strength in studying considering the factors you have in your life currently. Remember, baby steps and it takes time - a lot more than you think. Good luck for the future

[joejoe1]

Olya,

This is only my opinion. I second everything Lcause has said.

I'm in the Army. I have been active going on 17 years in June.

From what you wrote I think your H, wasnt the most popular or maybe got bullied some growing up. (I might be wrong).

Now he has joined the Army and he has flirted with leadership and it has went to his head a bit.

But you are a strong woman, seems to me that you have a natural leadership trait and your H doesnt and hes taking some of what he lacks out on you. The only person he knows that will put up with his Sh!t.

You cook for him, drive back and forth hours to see him, you are going to law school while carrying a 3.7 GPA, you held him while he cried, you motivated him to pass his PT test after he failed his initial one in OCS and thought he couldn't do it. Only a woman with strength and great character can pull that off. Only a woman that truly loves her man can pull that off.

He's being somebody he's not. Or at least trying to be. He's not being real with who he is as a man and person. So your H has a conflict with himself and not you. Until he learns to be honest with himself and be happy with the man he is and stop trying to prove himself to people that could care less about him like his friend. He will be in conflict with himself. It's nothing you can do for him, while he is going thru this but support and remind him he is an awesome man just the way he is.

[Olya]

I think it would all be much easier and simpler if his announcement of wanting a divorce was just to see your reaction and get affirmation. You clearly care and want to make things work. There wouldn't be such an impasse if this was all he needed to know. The issues are more deep-seated, but are probably mostly his own.

In a nutshell, he believes that he has changed and that he cannot give me what I want and that I cannot love him as he is right now. A year ago he told me that the man I loved was dead. Now, he says that he is not in love with me, hasn't been for years, and we got married too young and too soon.

Problem is, I don't believe him. It would be easier to believe what he says if he did not use absolutes. According to my husband he (1) never liked much physical contact, (2) never been very interested in sex, (3) never been overly touchy-feely, and (4) never liked holding hands.

All these things are simply untrue. He used to be an extremely affectionate and loving husband. The fact that he acts like he never was and says that he never was makes me doubt his whole "I changed" explanation. People who change acknowledge what they once were. There must also be a reason for change. He gives none. The best explanation I got is this is how he has to be in order to be good at his job.

He says he is happier this way. He doesn't look it.

[Olya]

So, next time you see him angry or blaming you for his unhappiness, remember this. He is trying to cope with his internal "demons" by utilizing defense mechanisms to protect his own self-image; to keep him safe from the rawness of the true feelings or the possible shattering of the self-image. This is the reason why most people turn the image of their spouse completely around after the BD happens. Before, they could love this person for years; after, the spouse is a monster who deserves a bad life.

I think I know that... and this is my problem. I love him and I feel awful for him. He is emotionally crippled and he does not see it. I want to be there for him, but he won't let me. I know that no matter what happens, I will be fine. I'm not so sure about him.

The sad part? Projection happens quite often as seen in this board. People expect spouses to bring the happiness when in fact true happiness is gained by consistent growth of oneself.

He hasn't grown. He shrunk. He used to read, watch documentaries, go to museums, go to concerts, hike, play video games, play D&D, experiment with awful baking recipes, etc. Now all he's interested in is gym, beer, phone games, texting with his buddies, YouTube videos, and comic books. He didn't substitute these interests for his old ones - his old set included both.

I read your story through and as a word of encouragement, you seem to be a really strong person. Whether this goes as you currently want it or not, you will learn a lot from this and will eventually find your place with or without him. I admire your strength in studying considering the factors you have in your life currently. Remember, baby steps and it takes time - a lot more than you think. Good luck for the future

Thank you. I really appreciate it.