...your W has a side room that she spends most of the day in sleeping, watching TV and smoking correct? That alone is pause for concern and IMO is just not healthy and combined with how her house looks (based on your description) I would say your assessment is probably correct. Love is tough and it's amazing what your willing to accept (I get it) but something tells me the more you get out an experience life and other women you will be better off for it.
That's basically correct, except now she has her own house, but not much has changed.
But she has made it clear, via divorce, that I need worry about her problems no longer. I wish it was that easy. You're right, though, the more I get out, the better off I am. And I think I'm doing pretty well.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim, I hope everything turns out well for your kids after these temporary setbacks and I hope you're getting somewhat close to the end of the divorce process. One thing that strikes me about your posts is the sheer endurance it takes to get through a divorce. It seems like there are so, so many issues to settle on.
Thank you. I expect my kids will be alright in the end, but I have to remember it's hard on them, too. In my case D just keeps dragging on. It doesn't have to, though, if both parties are reasonable, and move the process forward. Look at Joseph9.
That's nice to hear you're dating. Does that mean like dinner or coffee with different women here-and-there or do you have someone special? I really wonder a lot about this issue. I can't even imagine ever going on a date.
"Dating post DB" should get it's own forum because there is so much to discuss, I think. It means all of that. It started out with dinner or drinks or whatever with any woman who struck my interest. Sometimes there was no chemistry, sometimes it became quickly apparent we were just looking for different things. I was very up front and honest about not being ready for a relationship. I've had some pleasant evenings, and no disasters, yet. There is a woman I see once a week or so. Maybe more. She is very respectful of my need not to jump into a relationship. We just enjoy each other's company, and she is someone else to do things with.
Don't wonder too much about it. You are still a long way away from there, but I assure you, when you are ready, interested men will appear.
It seems normal to me that you'd worry about your wife. You spent decades with her and loved her all those years. You must have initially come to this forum because you wanted to save your marriage. It's hard to stop caring about our spouses, especially when they leave us and their lives are such a mess. It's so hard to understand why someone would walk away from it all rather than put in effort to fix what went wrong.
You're right about all this. Coming here has really helped me put down the rope, and realize I can't fix it alone. All I can do is be the best me I can, and they can either come along, or not.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
S18 drove out to Chicago with some friends to check out a college to which they were accepted. It's his first choice at this point. The trip was great; lots of things went wrong, as they do on road trips, but they had a great time.
D16 and I went on her first college visit on our way to my family for the weekend. We had a delightful weekend together, and a wonderful time with my family. Even saw the witch who invited W to Thanksgiving briefly, and was cordial. There's nothing like being stuck in a car to foster talking and bonding with your child, and it was great.
The only down side... I told W I wanted the kids for Easter, and she was fine with that. At the time, I thought S would be coming home Easter night, around the same time I got home with D16. When I realized he would be home Saturday night, I was petty, and told him he could either stay alone at my house for the first time or with W. I know he was really excited to stay alone at home, and I was glad W was going to be alone. Petty, I know.
Anyway, W called to get some information about separating the phone bill, realized I took D16 away for the weekend, and S18 probably wasn't going to be joining her for Easter, and was understandably upset. She was complaining about it over the phone; I told her I didn't want to deal with this right now and hung up.
I recognized it was petty of me, so I called S18 and asked if he would stay at W's and he said sure. I texted her, apologized for not coordinating better, and things seem to be ok. I'm not proud of myself for being petty, but I guess I'm human, and not worrying too much about it.
Otherwise it was a great weekend!
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim, I can understand how you'd do that. It doesn't sound like too much harm was done. That's great you and your daughter had quality time together! It must be a nice feeling to reach the college stage with your kids!
J- you gave your son the option and he chose to stay at your place right? How is that petty? She agreed you could have them for Easter and if he is 18 yrs old I assume he is old enough to make his own choices????? When they turn 18 I assume they can come and go as they please between either parents house??
Maybe your intentions were petty but she doesn’t know that and I don’t think you needed to apologize especially since she agreed you could have them.
J- you gave your son the option and he chose to stay at your place right? How is that petty? She agreed you could have them for Easter and if he is 18 yrs old I assume he is old enough to make his own choices????? When they turn 18 I assume they can come and go as they please between either parents house??
Maybe your intentions were petty but she doesn’t know that and I don’t think you needed to apologize especially since she agreed you could have them.
Let's just say my intentions were petty, and I didn't discouraged him to stay here to hurt her a little. I don't really care how she feels about that, but I guess I'm a little disappointed in myself for not being bigger than that.
That's a funny question about S18 that hasn't really come up, whether he is no longer subject to our custody arrangement, and can come and go as he pleases. In my state he's not emancipated until 18 AND graduated from HS, but if he decided he wanted to stay at one house or the other, I'm not sure what would happen.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Been texting with W about taxes, and a settlement agreement.
Figured we could save a little money filing jointly, but when she started talking about taking me back to Domestic Relations for more alimony and child support it gave me pause and I called my lawyer about it. Basically, if I choose to file jointly, when she takes me back to Domestic Relations she could probably get my alimony/CS increased. Not worth winning the battle but losing the war, so I told her I'd file separately. Since I did all the calculations to see which filing status would be best anyway, I offered to do hers, too. She's appreciative of that.
Paqt of the text conversation was about an updated draft settlement agreement. She says one should be forthcoming shortly. I'm strangely ambivalent. I'm the one who has been pushing her to get it done. I guess I've realized that she's never going to own her share of the failure of our marriage, and I don't want to reconcile with her just to go back to the same marriage. Of course, now that I'm typing it, I'm getting a bit melancholy.
The last draft, from Aug 17, was actually just fine with me, except for her asking for a 55/45 split. I knew there would be changes, because the draft, written by her lawyer, asked for things which I knew she didn't want. That was a bit weird, explaining how her own lawyer's document wasn't what she actually wanted.
In our texting, I said very simply "if this draft proposes a 55-45 split you might as well not even bother sending it." She replied her lawyer put that in there, and she's fine with 50-50. I was shocked it would be that easy. I thought we were going to court to fight over that, and everyone but the lawyers would lose.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Typical negotiation trick. Ask for things that you don't want, that way when you give them up the other party feels that they "won". Her lawyer is slick, but not that slick if you recognized that she wouldn't want those things. Likely it was done to get you to agree to 55/45. "Ok, if we keep it 55/45 then we will give up claim to these things she didn't want anyway."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, I hear what you're saying, and I'll keep on guard against that kind of thing. I think it was just a case of her not being interested in reading the details, trusting that her lawyer's settlement agreement would be suitable, and not realizing that he just printed out a stock agreement after changing the names and dates.
My impression is that when I said I wouldn't even entertain a document that said 55-45, she was surprised it said that, agreed with me, and said she would get it changed.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim, It sounds like you're making progress with each step. I wonder why your wife wouldn't want to file jointly to save money? Why would that be worth a fight? Your wife is little greedy in some of her requests! It seems you're doing the right think by letting her go and not trying to reconcile at this point, but it's just too bad your wife doesn't want to put in the hard work to get her act together, save the marriage, and make her life better. You have no control over that. You seem to be doing what's fair financially and cooperating well. All of your actions sound appropriate.
