InFocus, glad the TRO got dismissed. That was garbage. It is scary how quickly a woman can get those these days.
Quote:
I just want to have some say in what days I get the kids, but I don't want to be too picky. Any advice here?
Talk to your lawyer. You did the right thing getting one. Obviously already paid dividends with the TRO being dismissed.
As far as how to proceed with your wife, read up on LRT. I think you may be at the point where you need to employ it. I know earlier in the thread you were advocating for doing some pursuing despite advice against it. How has that worked for you? You have the opportunity to do a 180 in this regard. I'd really consider it in your case since your W seems so obstinate. Going no contact with an obstinate spouse will often time get them curious. "Why has he backed off?"
No more outburst. Kill her with kindness in every interaction you have with her. She has shown a penchant for running for a TRO, don't give her ANY ammo. She calls you a lowdown so-and-so, you let it roll off your back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi Steve. Thanks for the advice. I am now just following lawyers advice and preparing for the worst, hoping for the best.
Mentally, not sure where I am. She has me as the bad guy in all this. Guess that's what you have to do to get through a divorce your spouse says they will do anything to prevent.
The echo chamber of validation from friends who tell her to leave me, but have nothing at stake and who do not know me certainly doesn't help. Her emotional affair partner certainly makes it seem the grass is greener.
What can I do now than follow DB and DR last resort? I have to detach, GAL, and go thru the motions of moving on. It [censored], because I love her and she loves me I think, but wants to lay blame for all of her unhappiness on me. Yes, I have my faults. I have made mistakes. Now, I will respect and love her the only way I can now. By giving her the divorce she wants. And that makes me confused still...but acceptance takes time.
All communications are thru texts. I will be about kids visits and scheduling remediation in next month or two.
I am still working on me. I have more clarity on my part in the loss of my marriage. Trying to work on those issues and remain positive and hopeful that all things happen for good reasons!
Hope you guys can see how messed up this situation feels to me. Trying to do the best that I can one day at a time.
Been thinking perhaps she will change her mind eventually...but needing that outcome would be a serious mistake to really put my heart and soul into believing.
Externally, my actions will be Sandis rules at DB and actions to GAL.
Thanks everyone. Please feel free to leave a few comments.
Okay, I am not trying to be mean, but some dose of reality is warranted, I think.
FIRST: TRO
Her TRO did not get dismissed. She agreed to drop it. Dumb of her. Based on what you told here, she would have gotten it had she not backed down. It is not hard to get a TRO and you helped her make a very strong case for one.
Instead of complaining how unfair it was of her, ask yourself why she took one out in the first place. You have been hounding her. You have been pressuring her sexually. And, I promise you, your children hear and see ALL of it.
SECOND: Sincerity
Your changes were never sincere. Sorry. We cannot change who we are, but we can certainly make ourselves more palatable. You probably cannot help yelling when you are angry. I get it. I'm the same way. You can, however, refrain from showering your wife with profanities in front of your children. You can also wait long enough for those children to be out of the ear shot before you blow your gasket. You haven't been doing that, have you?
If you want your wife back, you need to stop drinking. You need to stop going to strip clubs. You need to stop running your mouth without thinking. Completely. Not "I do less of this now" or "I'll stop just long enough to get her back." Completely. If she comes back, you don't resume what you have been doing. If you want your wife back, then you need to be done with this lifestyle. If she doesn't come back, but you still hold out hope that any woman worth her salt will look at you, then you need to be done with this lifestyle.
Deep down, you have to know this. You said it yourself: you don't think that you can compete with a married doctor. MARRIED. So, a hopeless affair is better than being with you? Think about it.
THIRD: Do some soul searching
There's a lot of "me" and "I need" in everything that you say. Your needs seems to be fulfilled only when you directly get something that you want. Ask yourself why you don't seem to be able to receive deep and meaningful happiness from seeing someone you love smile? Sometimes, doing things we don't want to make others happy can be very rewarding. Not all the time: 50/50. You strike me as a 100/0 kind of guy. I'd suggest getting some counseling. I'd also caution you that if you and your wife do get back together, you'll have to be giving her much more than 50, because it sounds like you have a lot of zeros to make up for. But she has to want what you have to offer - you can't badger her into it, and I suggest you don't try.
I'm sorry if I came off harsh. I empathize, I do. But you really do have to realize how destructive what you're doing is.
Me: 28 H: 30 T: 9 M: 7
WAH: First half of 2017. Round 2 started in Spring 2018.
But what about helping me to understand the position. Communicating with me on what steps I should be taking and supporting me?
She checked out long ago. Then, when she had already decided to divorce, she put all the pressure on me to 180 everything she felt wrong.
Not only that, posturing to win complete custody of our kids.
Yes you are right about my behavior, but not about how much work we both gave to make it work. I gave 100 And she gave 100. And after 13 years, she quit on us. I will quit all of that behavior that destroyed my marriage. That is my personal commitment to myself. Not to get her back, but for me and my kids.
We all lose in divorce. Everyone. She thinks that running from our issues and escaping to someone else will be better. Sorry. We have kids. It just gets more complex and the hurt, pain, and even LOVE will always be there...and it's sad.
So, be honest, after everything you have done - the cheating, the name calling, the drinking - do you really have the right to ask that she support you and help you change?
Also, when did you start giving 100? Timing matters.
I'm here because my husband wants a divorce. My major crime in our marriage is being short-tempered and demanding. Yet, I'm doing my 180 without his help - I am not expecting it and I am not asking for it. Nor is he required to appreciate any changes that I make. It's just how the cookie crumbles.
And... now I'm going to have to be brutal with you. Sorry again.
The custody thing may be her way to get back at you. Happens all the time.
BUT
It also might well be an expression of her sincere belief that you do not belong around your children. Don't think about all the good times that you have with your kids and the times when you've been a great dad. Think about the times when you were gone, sleeping around, and calling their mother names. If your wife was to leave you and re-marry and her new husband behaved that way around your kids, would you want your kids around the new husband?
I am not telling you to sign away your custody. Not at all. I am telling you that you need to stop fighting about the children for the time being and you need to start showing that you are a stable and, more importantly, a positive influence on them.
Me: 28 H: 30 T: 9 M: 7
WAH: First half of 2017. Round 2 started in Spring 2018.
She wanted to drop the TRO on the kids the day she filed it. It's in the police report when I was served.
I am a fantastic father and I would never take away their relationship with their mother.
You sure like focusing on the guy who is honest and open regarding his faults. Guess I need more of that or that just speaks to your pain. I am also truly sorry you are foing thru your marriage possibly ending.
I never thought that going out 1x a month was a big deal if I was home before 4am.
I guess when she started staying out overnight and doing drugs, I gave her a free pass because of what I had done.
I have not been myself because of the divorce held over me. That's why I pursued and yelled and pleaded.
Letting go has been hard but also a blessing. I can be myself. The guy she loved for 13 years.
Yes, going out was wrong. I was wrong.
But I am a good dad. My kids need me and they should know I am here for them no matter what.
And the arguing...yeah they notice their moms behavior and disrespect more than mine.
Part of the TRO was the fear of what the kids would eventually think. They were already telling her "Why do you yell at me like you yell at dad. I heard you tell him you dont love him. Does that mean you don't love me."
I am not fighting about anything at this point lol. I am going with the flow.
My lawyers will state my position on custody. My wife and I already agreed on all the other things and assets being split 50/50.
I am being the change. Thanks for the reinforcement to keep doing so!
When we separated the first time it was over games. I quit the instant she told me she was done with our marriage. She still moved out. It took me moving on when she came back around after 5-6 months. She fears me now because the love and attraction are real, but my behaviors hurt her and make her feel unloved.
At this point, it may be too late to save. But I will do all the right actions and behaviors to make her realize her mistake.
Just like most of us on here in this forum. We are striving to be better.
She's not here. What good would it do to focus on her? Whom would it help?
The point is this:
1. A successful TRO can screw up your life. The magnitude depends on what you do for a living. Don't do anything that will get her to file another one.
2. Don't put your kids in the middle of this. Having them make these comments to their mother or to you is not appropriate from a parent-child relationship standpoint. It also shows that between you and your wife, you're already doing damage. Your goal should be to stop contributing and to reverse some of it WITHOUT turning them against their mother.
3. You cannot change her. You can only change you. That comes with remorse and a desire to do better. I command you for trying and for doing this for your kids. If your changes are lasting and genuine, she'll notice. Maybe she'll decide to give it another try. Maybe she'll move on but will choose to have a functional co-parenting relationship with you. But you cannot expect her to just give you a chance. If you want it, go earn it. If she still doesn't give it to you, then at least you will be able to honestly tell yourself that you tried.
4. If she does come back, don't give free passes and don't assume that what you're doing is okay - ask with full understanding that you may not get the answer you want to hear.
Me: 28 H: 30 T: 9 M: 7
WAH: First half of 2017. Round 2 started in Spring 2018.
She only has to believe and tell me so at this point and the world would stop for her. I may have taken her for granted these last few years, but as she takes me for granted now, I will not stop loving her. Even if I never see or talk to her again. Still...gotta live. Gotta continue.
