Songs and Stories From The Far Shore - Verse 4

[AndrewP]

Journaling

Feeling a bit better today. Yesterday morning I re-listened to an audiobook / podcast that I'd listened to the night before. I then sat there in my car and wept. I felt the tears washing away some of the stress and anger and fear that has been building up inside me. I still have a fair bit but just like a pot on the stove, sometimes you have to lift the lid to let the steam out so that they cook properly. And yes, my analogies are sometimes hard to get

I also had a nice call with D25 last night. She's having problems renewing her passport and the government lost her birth certificate in the process. She called and we worked through the forms together. She didn't "need" me as she had everything she needed but it was nice that she needed me. She did mention her mother a few times. Her mother was a major player in her birth after all . It seems that her grandparents aren't buried yet and will be in May and she wants to get her new passport in time for that. Her mother asked her to attend. I did mention that I was annoyed at her for not telling me about them dieing when I asked if all was OK with them but she has no memory of that. She's under a lot of stress these days with her husband being at sea more and more as the ship goes through sea trials, they are needing to re-home their adult dog because she's not doing well with other dogs in their urban area - she got loose and there was a fight, and perhaps there is some stress about her parents too. I try to not complain too much while still being honest and we both try to not have her mother be a topic of conversation.

I thought I'd share the lines from the audio-book that struck me to the quick. It's a relatively obscure series aimed at millennials so unlikely to be familiar to many here. Most of the series is just silly but this episode I found deep.

You have already been destroyed, you just don’t know it yet.

And I? I thought I was the exception.

I’ve spent every moment since my mistake trying to put back together what I took apart, but – it is beyond me. Every action that endeavours to improve only causes more suffering and terror.

I was naïve, but lovingly so. You should not forgive me just because I had love in my heart. Intension never matter.

and in my moment of foolish hope, in my belief that I could save anything… I reached out my clumsy hand and destroyed them all.

Hmh, time is startlingly persistent in that way. Even badly wounded, it moves.

For a while, I believed we could go on like this. If we only put our heads down and insisted on living, without looking at or considering the world around us, we could just keep moving. And the main thing was to – keep moving. Denial was key. As long as we denied, then nothing was wrong.

But my efforts end here. The world is finally falling apart, piece by piece, and I stand by. All the powers of my thousands of years, and I can only watch it fall.

And so, here I am. Telling you this story, so that at least in your destruction, you will understand who has destroyed you. And you will understand that she destroyed only out of a loving desire to save you. May you perceive her as foolish and naïve, rather than monstrous.

I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. Huh. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells.

Today’s proverb: Less is more. Simplification is the way to happiness. You are not your things.

Today's menu.
- Breakfast - eggs Florentine with sausages and tea biscuits.
- Lunch - toast with peanut butter
- Dinner - meatloaf with potatoes and chocolate birthday cake for afters.

[AndrewP]

Journaling

I've been getting more and more paranoid that my ex will be circling back around especially since there seem to be inexplicable delays in filing the final paperwork but I think that I'm wrong.

On Wednesday - the same day as my last update - I raked the lawn and as is my practice also swept the curb. My ex used to be annoyed at me for doing this because we would have the only swept curb in the entire village and she hated looking particular. Me - I like things to look nice and to be honest get a certain pleasure in my house looking nicer than my neighbours. In the one case, it doesn't take much So as I finished I was thinking to myself, wouldn't X roll her eyes if she saw this.

Well - when S23 came home from work a bit earlier than usual he mentioned that he had dinner plans. A bit later, I see his mother parked across the street rather than around the corner as usual. She was alone in the vehicle. Odd. Also odd that she's taking her son out for dinner in perhaps the first time for a year not counting her parent's funeral. And on an evening where they both have to get up early for work. It certainly isn't a frequent event. They were out for a couple of hours which wasn't long enough to go to the city where OM lives, have dinner and come back so they must have gone somewhere local. There's lots of choices.

Since I tend to over-think everything I get stressed out for the last few days. However last night as S23 and I were reviewing the grocery list I mention that I believe we need cheese. Nope he says - I was just given some so we're good. I check the fridge this morning and there is a giant block of cheddar in there - presumably courtesy of OM / his mother.

His mother always did believe in buying affection with "things" but never big things. Like the time after she spent a weekend with OM she made me fried onions for dinner. I presume she's trying to rebuild bridges with her children which is a good thing and I should be happy about that. I had been talking to D25 on Tuesday night and helping her with some paperwork to get her passport renewed and she mentioned that her mother had been pushing for her to come up in May to attend the internment of her grandparents.

But the block of cheese is a firm sign that my ex hasn't given up on her guy (he's the "milkman") even though from the outside it would appear that things are stalled there and that she is just a girlfriend. I could be wrong though. It doesn't matter to me as long as she files those last pieces of paperwork.

It should be a lovely day here. I have some steaks out for our dinner. I'm going to get a fresh haircut this morning which I have to leave for in a few minutes. I found that a lady at work (who I'm pretty interested in) also used to be involved in Girl Guides and her mother is a leader so S23 and I are both happy to have a fresh supply of cookies. I have several boxes ordered for us and to send down to D25 who also used to be a guide and she and her H love the cookies. S23 even seemed pretty cool with the idea of me asking out this woman - probably the cookies were a determining factor. I think I've misplaced my courage though.

[job]

Andrew,

I do not see anything wrong in keeping your yard nice and the curb swept. A yard is the first impression people have of you when the drive by or pull into the driveway.

As for the block of cheese...well, she could also be trying to rebuild the bridge between the two of you. Maybe she's hoping you'll drop her a line to say thanks...but as we say around here...you just do not know what is going thru her head. I do think she is attempting to reconnect w/her son and daughter and is slowly inching her way back into their lives. Whatever the reasons for the cheese, I'm glad she and your son went out last evening.

She and the OM may just be friends now and not into the "affair" mode. Time will tell on that one.

You will eventually work up the nerve to ask the lady out. The time isn't right just yet...but it's coming and when you do ask her out, do something special that will be a good memory for the both of you.

Enjoy your day!

[AndrewP]

Hmmm - I may have turned a corner at least temporarily.

My cookies are almost gone. I have no idea if S23's survived the first night or not. Since it's lunch time and I'm working from home here I popped in to his room (and yes snooped a bit) to see if he had many dishes stashed.

It was interesting to note that the little heirloom item of his mother's that I'd given him to pass on was still there as were some containers from back at Christmas that I'd washed and put up there to return. There can't be too much interaction between them which is what I have been assuming all along.

Since he "really" likes girl guide cookies I was surprised when we were talking the other night that he never mentioned getting some from his mother so I did a bit of google searching. There is no reference any more of his mother being associated with her Guiding troop. Sad. She loved those girls even if towards the end had rage at the organization (she had rage at lots of things - but never me oddly). She also had a lot of good friends and had absorbed being a Guider into her personality. Presumably she's not involved any more. I felt a bit sad about that but didn't find that the searching and thinking caused me much stress. She probably still has all the Guider stuff around her plus her custom Guider license plates. She did seem to "brand" herself with whatever her interest was.

Even though it's useless to speculate, I would imagine that my ex is pretty firmly in her hole with the end pulled in after her. I've seen some signs that she's interacting a bit more with her kids which causes me less jealousy than it used to. I don't wish her ill and more and more she is less and less in my thoughts and worries. Mostly she's just another bill I have to pay each month. If she were to move in with OM that would give me some good closure but there's no sign visible to me of that happening. So much for a "serious relationship" and throwing over her family for a dream.

I've also found that one huge trigger - a particular song which plays regularly - while it still bothers me, I can acknowledge it and go on without dashing to the radio to turn it off.

I've also not been hit by "the lonely" quite so much. In fact I was thinking the other day while laying in bed that sleeping alone has some distinct advantages. My ex was a bit of a blanket hog and also especially towards the end tossed and turned a lot. I still get nightmares about her - had 2 small ones last night in fact but they are less stressful. Maybe the big ones from my trip in February burned out my give a d@mn circuits.

I'm feeling less and less like I'm on a journey and more that I'm at a destination. I still need a new job to improve me work/life balance and to get some more professional satisfaction but at the moment at least I feel fairly emotionally balanced. I never did get my IC appointment (they never called back - crossed wires perhaps).

I had dinner last night with a dear friend and while we did talk a bit about me and my circumstances, much of the dinner was taken up arguing about trends in technology and politics. It was nice to get back to things that are important.

Easter is coming up this weekend with another attempt at roast duck in Chez AndrewP. I read back to last year and noticed that S23 spent Easter with his mother then. He and I have made plans for this year - no clue if his mother might have plans of her own. Not my issue.

After the big bump a few weeks ago I am less worried about her knocking on the door. I've been doing a bit of reading here and elsewhere and a lot of thinking. If she were indeed thinking of coming back it would be a long drawn-out process where she would be putting "feelers" out via the kids and my relatives. No sign of any of that. If she reads along here - which is not outside the realm of possibility - she would know that it would take a lot to pry open that door whether I'm seeing someone else or not. I'll nag my lawyer sometime next week. Tomorrow is my ex's usual day off normally used for running errands etc so maybe she'll file those last papers then. Not sure if she has things to sign yet or if it's all in the hands of her lawyer who maybe just hasn't done it.

In the next week or so I'll be doing a few trips to the dump to get rid of some of the abandoned property. The house is looking pretty sparse. I have a few things (anybody want a juicer?) that I'll either post on the local buy/sell or perhaps have a yard sale in June when we have a village-wide event for such things. It's amazing how much stuff she took but still there's lots of stuff here. Some parts of the house which were jammed look a bit sparse but are much more livable. I can now use the whole laundry room and often have dinner in the dining room - both of which were only minimally usable before because of accumulations of "stuff". Her apartment must be jammed.

Tentative menu for Easter Sunday. Roast duck with sausage spiced dressing. Mashed potatoes (or maybe baked). Maybe gravy. Mixed vegetables. Fresh bread or buns. And I've asked the local bake shop is she might maybe perhaps be doing up jam tarts which I would have then for desert. Doing up a turnip casserole (one of my favourites) would be just too much food for 2 guys.

Lots of room at the table - I can seat 8 easily. Let me know if you like turnip.

[Coly23]

Hey AP! I like turnip!

You seem a bit like me at the moment AP, taken a couple of steps backwards on the road. I guess we have to expect that sometimes but it shakes me to the core that I am revisiting feelings from when this all started. Seems like you are too?

I sometimes think that if I met someone it might help me move on. Listening to you talk about someone you might be interested in gives me fresh hope that maybe one day I will get to that stage too. Even better if that person also has access to a steady supply of cookies or biccies as we say in my part of the world!!

I'm finding myself thinking about H more and more these days. It's tiring speculating what they might be thinking or doing or what their motivations are but it's human nature to be curious about someone you spent such a long time with although it's good to hear that she takes up less and less space in your thoughts.

Easter Sunday dinner sounds great! (((AP)))

[Surv1ve]

I have gone on a few dates here and there. Different context, as I've never been monogamous and the people I date aren't monogamous.

It has been super helpful. In one way, I noticed a shift in old patterns. Neither H nor EX/OM have ever been good about expressing their needs, and I'm very direct. So, it's all my fault because I didn't care.

So, I went on a few dates with this woman before Christmas and things went weird and wonky and she cancelled our last date after a few awkward texts. We were supposed to go snowshoeing all day and the weather, as AP may well know, here in ontario was -25. Well, when I saw her after New Year's, she told me she hadn't wanted to be out in such cold weather but she thought if she told me, as I'm "so adventurous", I would like her anymore. I saw instantly that she was a person who doesn't express her needs, and I was unwilling to go down the same tired path as I had with EX/OM and H.

I think there's nothing wrong with dating casually if you're not ready for anything serious. Just make sure you clearly and explicitly communicate to the potential other what you're available for so they can make an informed choice.

AP, I don't know which thread I saw it in while I am being silly and reading this forum at 3:30 in the morning, but Sandi2 had never seen an inhouse separation. Lots to think about. I know I read somewhere that it's better for them to stay in the house... but honestly, I don't know anymore.

I just don't want to split custody, either. *sigh*

[AndrewP]

Surv1ve - Thanks for stopping by. That was perhaps me posting on Gordie's thread about in-house separations. I am grateful that mine was relatively short at about 5 months long. It's tough to heal when you are getting fresh hurts. Mind you, just because something hasn't been witnessed here doesn't mean that it can't happen. The people who end up here have usually already gone past the point where normal "kiss and make up" situations could apply.

-------------

Minor bit of news. S23 had dinner again with his mother on Friday. Presumably an Easter dinner of sorts. He was over at her apartment for a surprising 7 hours though. He's never visited that long before. One thing that wasn't too much of a surprise was that shortly after he left I saw that he'd opened and gone through my SnapChat story - which he usually ignores.

So - my ex is "still" in her apartment 3 years after starting her affair. And she's still keeping an eye on me. The second bit isn't surprising but the first bit is.

If I were to buy in to the "stages" MLC idea theoretically she's reconnecting. It's certainly the case that her princess fairy land dreams didn't work out. I do feel a bit bad for her being alone (presumably) for what are traditionally family times like Christmas and Easter. Heck - I feel pretty bad for me too

It's annoying that she is using S23 to monitor me. I was hauling a load to the dump yesterday and S23 gave me a bit of a hairy eyeball and asked what was in the load which was odd. I know that he is under instructions that I'm not "allowed" to sell / dispose of certain things.

I had an interesting chat with the cute teller at the bank and mentioned in passing that I hadn't "allowed" to do actions x or y while married. She was horrified. We might run into each other next Sunday at the local Maple Syrup festival.

As an April Fools gag I have toyed with the idea of photo-shopping a woman's picture showing us as a couple as a Facebook profile picture. That would certainly mess with my ex. Even though I've blocked her she still can see stuff posted publicly like that. It would mess with everyone else if I posted a picture from when I was married - but I'm very definitely not in a place where I can do that.

Happy Easter everyone! I've got a bunch of cleaning still to do, might fit in a short hike and then roast duck and turnip casserole for dinner. There's lots of room at the table.

[Surv1ve]

Oh, we are for sure past the "quick kiss and make up stage." There would be so much work! And, it's now been 18 months of IHS.

I am still quite cognizant of Hawho's turn of events AND there are times when he seems so self aware and then he works super hard to bury all of his revelations.

What is keeping you from asking the teller out? I remember a post about her a long, long, LONG time ago and I am so curious what keeps you from just making the leap?

[AndrewP]

What is keeping you from asking the teller out? I remember a post about her a long, long, LONG time ago and I am so curious what keeps you from just making the leap?

To quote the learned philospher L Frank Baum - What have they got that I ain't got - Courage

Some rambling thoughts.

Yesterday I stumbled across a fascinating article that talked about the Book of Job in the context of the Peanuts comic strip. Now first off I need to make it clear that I'm not a Believer like many here are. It's been probably 40 years as well since I read the Bible in full. I still feel though that regardless of your religious views that it's one heck of a good read (except when you get bogged down in the "begats") with a lot of good stories. I read the odd chapter from time to time and do so love the rhythm of the Psalms.

I think a lot of us here can relate to the story of Job (Hi job!) where he was tested for reasons that had nothing to do with him. Poor Charlie Brown always trying his best, always getting his kite stuck in the tree and Lucy always pulling the football away at the last minute.

You can find the strip dated 14-Sep-2014 online (at least I was able to). Too bad I can't link to the actual article I read which included a number of quotes from Charles Schultz on the subject.

Certainly food for thought.

Quote of the day

When one door closes, another opens. That's why there are so many raccoons living in your house.

I still haven't heard back from my lawyer about the final divorce paperwork. I nagged her early this week via email. I'm hesitant to push too much because it costs me money to do so. They are really crappy at responding. Last I'd heard a few weeks ago the other lawyer hadn't submitted the affidavit for divorce to the courts. I've been assured previously that there are no known issues and that I shouldn't worry my pretty little head about it.

Something weird happened this week. For Easter I'd gone to a local winery last Saturday and picked up a number of bottles of wine and cider. Most of them I put down in the cellar on the pantry shelves for later.

One Wednesday morning I went down to get the cats fresh food and noticed a puddle of wine on the floor. Checking there was some broken glass and the broken and now sadly empty bottle was in the bin I have for such things. I figured that S23 had accidentally knocked it over and hadn't bothered to clean up. Later on Wednesday I mentioned it to him in passing in the context that I'd found broken glass. It turns out that he's also seen the mess and broken glass and thought it was me. It could perhaps have been a particularly aggressive mouse - the shelves are a bit flimsy but neither of us have any memory of putting the bottle in the bin. And if either of us had broken the bottle we would have wiped up the mess.

It could have happened any time between Tuesday morning and Wednesday morning. S23 was there the whole time as he had the day off but rarely stirs from his room listening to podcasts and sports. I'm used to hearing him and the cats wandering around the house at all hours so pay no mind to noises in the night. The house locks were not changed after I took full possession and the house is normally locked. The spare key is where it's always been. My assumption is that if one of the few people who knows where it is wants into the house S23 would let them in regardless of what key fits in the lock and so haven't bothered going through the hassle of changing the locks. The house is pretty easy to break in to as well if you know where to.

Weird.

Finally - since culinary adventures seems to be a current topic on this forum - and always is on my thread - Easter dinner turned out quite well I thought. S23 pronounced it "adequate" and that my turnip casserole was not quite up the the measure of his grandmother's. I took a picture of the table to send to D25 and oddly S23 hopped briskly out of the way so that he wouldn't be in it. Yesterday I boiled up the bones, made stock and then stew which was packaged up into individual portions and put in the freezer this morning. We will probably be eating duck stew for the next 2 months Glad I didn't do a turkey. That would be a year's worth of food for the two of us.

All for now - I shall keep watching for odd visitations. I have heard nothing at all from the people who are keeping an eye on my ex's social media for me. No clue what she's up to at all and presume that she's still living alone in her apartment the next village over.

I could imagine that she was my wine bottle smashing visitor but it is possible that there is another answer.

[AndrewP]

Posting more than usual lately it would seem. Trying to sort things out in my head and heart and writing it out helps. Outlets I had at this time last year aren't around any more. People move on.

Good Saturday morning all!

So - for more confirmation that I'm boring I realized that I've spent the last 18 hours trying to remember the word arbitrage. A favourite podcast - Tides of History brought the concept back to mind yesterday but since it is presented by a historian and not an economist he didn't use that word.

Yep - Old boring AndrewP is reasserting himself.

Breakfast was a bit of an experiment this morning. I had part of a cucumber and green pepper left so sliced those up to sautee and on a whim tossed in some pickled herring. An "interesting" combination. As I would say on social media #adventuresinhousekeeping . I bought the herring on a whim a couple of weeks ago but am struggling to figure out how to use it. I have about 2/3 of a small jar left - suggestions would be welcome. My goal though was to continue to not have vegetables go bad in my fridge so I achieved that and the result while tasting a bit odd was very likely healthy. An advantage of being a bachelor is that nobody generally complains about my cooking.

Funny thinking about it. For most men in my situation one of the things that they would be missing out on is a wife who would cook and clean for them. I've always done my own and much of the family laundry, my ex was an indifferent (could even say bad) housekeeper and while she could cook quite well when she put her mind to it she didn't very often so other than dinner I cooked for myself too. I used to do dinners on the weekend at times as well to give her a break so while I make mistakes and still don't know what a lot of the things in the kitchen are used for, I think I do rather well. As a friend of mine would say - I'll make a nice little wifey for someone some day. I have a divorced friend who mainly subsists on restaurants, convenience foods and regular visits to his elderly mother.

I've decided to apply Occam's Razor to the Mystery of the Smashed Wine Bottle. There is no evidence at all that would indicate that my ex was involved, just my own paranoia. One thing I know about the world and life is that there are things that I will never know or understand. Any scenarios involving her coming into the house are just too complex to have any amount of realism. Still no answer from my lawyer on the status of my case. I can presume nothing has happened because if it did they would be sending me a bill and replying to my emails. Next week I need to be more direct I think. In 10 days it will be 2 full years since I dug into my ex's Facebook Messenger and saw messages between her and her friends talking about her great new guy and how everyone was afraid I would find out. Whoopsie! There were also messages I saw then about how she had gotten drunk and told people at a party about her great guy - while I was sitting as the designated driver on the other side of the room and how those people had been "unkind". Go figure.

I do wonder what my options are to push this along. I've read here and elsewhere about divorces "hanging fire" and am tired of that being the case for me.

If I look at it closely, I've got a pretty darned good life. I have my health, the love of my family, a roof over my head (in my name). It's too shallow of a life though. I feel that I'm just going through the motions. Adding traditional "GAL" activities wouldn't add to the depth I feel. I need to make some changes but honestly am indeed afraid of that.

That one strand of rope I feel is still holding me back. Even though lots of people start new relationships before everything is completely done and I myself have considered it, I'm reluctant to. I no longer feel like the rope is tied around my heart though - more like it's a collar around my neck.

Even though I do think about it, I don't really have a "lot" of interest in what my ex is up to. From all indications she's spent much of the last 2 years in her tunnel with the end pulled in after her. For someone who craved attention and couldn't stand being alone she appears to be doing just the opposite. Her relationship with OM certainly can't be solid since she had Easter in her apartment rather than his nice house. If my life feels shallow her's must be dark. There's another site related to infidelity that I follow on Facebook and will occasionally comment on things. She's not my family or wife to protect any more and I have nothing to hide. Even though I have her blocked and presume she still has blocks in the other direction she may very well be aware that I am open about the fact that I was cheated on. That's part of "my" healing though - to take what happened and the wounds and examine them, understand them so that it won't happen again and to help others in a similar situation. If she had turned back towards me even a year ago, all of what happened could perhaps have been quietly swept under a rug at least publicly, but it's far far too late for that now.

Oh well - enough rambling for now. I quite like my updated signature line - my stories are indeed for me but I am grateful for those of you who listen and more so for those who both listen and understand.

Should be a busy day today. I was supposed to get another laser treatment on my tattoo but the shop's laser broke so that has been deferred. It now looks quite faded but is still prominent enough to notice and recognize. Perhaps a metaphor for my growing independence. Banking, groceries, flowers and laundry on the list. Salmon fillets for dinner tonight I think. I promised S23 more girl guide cookies which it would appear he doesn't consider getting from his mother - perhaps she's no longer involved in that organization - so will perhaps need to drive an hour out of my way for the purpose. It was on the way to the laser place. I'd hate to dissapoint him and whatever my feelings for my ex, Girl Guides itself is a great charity and organization and the cookies are quite tasty.

A bien tot mes amis.