Help evaluating LRT progress

[AnotherStander]

Olya, it sure sounds like your H is going through some major health issues. Depression seems very likely given everything you describe, and the low T may be a contributing factor as well. I'm not an MLC expert, but it doesn't sound like he's MLC to me (usually there would be wreckless spending, affairs, a sudden interest in personal appearance, etc.)

It sounds like you are doing well at GAL although I would not call what you are doing LRT because you are still constantly around him and doing things for him. You mentioned that he's supporting you financially so it sounds like maybe you are doing this to maintain that support and if so I do totally get it. Just understand that your sitch is likely to be stuck in limbo for as long as you maintain this arrangement.

[Olya]

In my case, it's my wife but YES, I think needing anything, including me, is one of her greatest fears. Perhaps this is part of the personality of people drawn to the military. She is afraid to need or be vulnerable, and has specifically told me that she does not want to be in position of dependence because as you said, there are times she simply won't have me, or whatever she is dependent on.

We met right after she returned from an Afghanistan deployment and it took me a long time to really understand what it is like for military members to have such large segments of their lives where it's just them and the basics. They don't have to worry about all the complexities of life while they're in the desert. Do your job, eat, gym, and sleep pretty much. It can be a hard adjustment where they get whiplashed back into all the craziness of normal life. When they have a spouse, I think we do take on a lot of this everyday stuff for them and keep it running. In my case, I think she is inevitably somewhat dependent (not necessarily in an unhealthy way) and resents it.

Sorry! I assumed you were the wife. I try not to, but most military personnel are guys, so, sometimes assumptions happen.

I'm trying to make peace with the fact that I cannot help him deal with this issue if he does not want to. Willingness to get hurt is a prerequisite to feeling in love and to being happy. When people build barriers to keep out pain, they also keep out any and every meaningful connection. I know that my husband sees it as strength. It's not.

While we have been apart before, this will be the first time he deploys. So far, he has worked very hard to isolate himself. There will be no texts, emails, or care packages. I fully intend to let him have exactly what he wants. (Or what he thinks he wants anyway.) I will drop him off and I will pick him up. That's it.

I also know him well enough to tell that there is a meltdown coming. It may not be now. It may not be months from now. But it's coming and it will not be pretty. I'm going to spend the next 11 months trying to decide whether I want to be there when it does happen.

[Olya]

Olya, it sure sounds like your H is going through some major health issues. Depression seems very likely given everything you describe, and the low T may be a contributing factor as well. I'm not an MLC expert, but it doesn't sound like he's MLC to me (usually there would be wreckless spending, affairs, a sudden interest in personal appearance, etc.)

It sounds like you are doing well at GAL although I would not call what you are doing LRT because you are still constantly around him and doing things for him. You mentioned that he's supporting you financially so it sounds like maybe you are doing this to maintain that support and if so I do totally get it. Just understand that your sitch is likely to be stuck in limbo for as long as you maintain this arrangement.

He's never been good with money and the affair he's having is with his male buddy. They're both straight, so, at least I don't have to worry about STDs for now.

You are right in that I am in a very precarious position and that I am walking on eggshells. If I push him too hard, I will be in a very bad position.

That said, I am done with doing a lot of things for him.

First, I'm done cooking. I used to spend my time every Saturday meal-prepping for the week. We're not talking rice and ground beef. I'd make gourmet meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for him to take to work and to have at home. Currently, he's fending for himself and he's on a steady diet of salad with the said ground beef, eggs, and power bars. He has been supplementing with frozen tamales that I bought two weeks ago before our fallout. I certainly do not intend to pick up more when those run out. He can drive across town to get them himself.

Second, I am not doing anything that will make this process easier for him, certainly not when it's at our expense. He wanted us (translation: me) to pack up the house and quit the lease while he's in Kuwait. His logic is that this will save money. Sure. It will. However, I will be the one packing, hiring movers, dealing with paperwork, and finding storage rental. I will also be the one who will have to find a new place to live and set everything back up again by the time he comes home next February or March. I'm not doing that. This is my home and I intend to return there on holidays and long weekends throughout the time when he is gone. I have no intention to spend my 1 month off during the summer packing the house and then spend the first half of my 2019 spring semester finding him a new place to live. And I have zero wish to make the whole separation process easier for him than it has to be. If he wants these things done, then he can bloody well do them himself. He will not, of course.

So, I'm doing what I can.

[Olya]

To me, this feels like nothing....for now.

Change is hard, and you are acting differently. My guess is that he doesnt know how to react and things like sulking and anger and coldness come easily for him. Id say keep doing what you are doing. No matter what, I think it is making you into a stronger person.

Yes, they do come easily to him. Right now he has his guard way up and he's not winning any Ms. Congeniality awards any time soon.

Before he asked for a divorce, he told me that I was only hanging on to him because I am too scared of being without him. He can have a very childish view of love and I'm afraid that he does not believe that I love him.

I know that trying to convince him that I do is the last thing that I should be doing. At the same time, I do not want to confirm everything that he has been telling himself.

[44tries]

Sorry! I assumed you were the wife. I try not to, but most military personnel are guys, so, sometimes assumptions happen.

I'm trying to make peace with the fact that I cannot help him deal with this issue if he does not want to. Willingness to get hurt is a prerequisite to feeling in love and to being happy. When people build barriers to keep out pain, they also keep out any and every meaningful connection. I know that my husband sees it as strength. It's not.

While we have been apart before, this will be the first time he deploys. So far, he has worked very hard to isolate himself. There will be no texts, emails, or care packages. I fully intend to let him have exactly what he wants. (Or what he thinks he wants anyway.) I will drop him off and I will pick him up. That's it.

I also know him well enough to tell that there is a meltdown coming. It may not be now. It may not be months from now. But it's coming and it will not be pretty. I'm going to spend the next 11 months trying to decide whether I want to be there when it does happen.

No problem, I understand Your sentence "Willingness to get hurt is a prerequisite to feeling in love and to being happy" is so on the mark. I have many flaws of my own and am focusing on these during my DBing time, but I think my wife's unwillingness to be vulnerable is a huge piece of the problem in my marriage as well. Like you said, it cannot be fixed if they don't want to. But very sad and frustrating when she claims she isn't in love or happy and right there is a huge reason why. I know that this aspect isn't personal to me and she will continue to struggle with it in future relationships.

I can't even describe to you the full depth of her resistance to vulnerability, it infects all aspects of her life because she holds onto it so tightly, mistaking it for strength just like you said. She always wants to be mister tough guy (sorry for the gendered term) and act like she has no needs, no dependence. Of course I know this isn't true and I'm just left guessing.

I think you are doing the right thing, letting him have his stubborn way. It always backfires in the end, but I learned my lesson that any attempts to counter are NEVER met well. I struggle with my resolve to be unwaveringly committed (my own stubbornness showing) but also question in the end if it best for me.

[Olya]

I'm not an MLC expert, but it doesn't sound like he's MLC to me (usually there would be wreckless spending, affairs, a sudden interest in personal appearance, etc.)

So, I initially read this as you thinking that he DOES have MLC.

I went exploring the resources and found the Midlife for Dummies thread. Except for children and affair, it fits. It was like having someone describe to me in vivid detail what my life has been like for the past year and a half.

And the only reason he's not spending us into the ground is because I have put my foot down around the time when this has started and I no longer let him.

If he does have MLC, I'm honestly not sure what I want to do about this whole situation.

[Olya]

I think you are doing the right thing, letting him have his stubborn way. It always backfires in the end, but I learned my lesson that any attempts to counter are NEVER met well. I struggle with my resolve to be unwaveringly committed (my own stubbornness showing) but also question in the end if it best for me.

You and me both. One of the things that hurt the most was him telling me that he will sleep with whomever he wants should he want to. To me, this is wrong because we are still married. It makes me sick to my stomach.

Last week I was so pissed off that I attempted to create a dating profile using a different email. I never went through with finishing the process and never entered my real name or uploaded a picture.

Whatever happens, I do not want to go through this process and emerge feeling dirty. I have the power to decide whether I want to soil myself and to compromise my integrity and I have decided that nothing and no one is worth it. I will always have myself and I will always have to live with myself and I do not intend to do anything that 10 years down the road will make me ashamed to look at myself in the mirror. To quote our former first lady, "when they go low, we go high." When I decide to find someone else, it will be on my terms and I will do it in a way that I will not be ashamed of.

[44tries]

You and me both. One of the things that hurt the most was him telling me that he will sleep with whomever he wants should he want to. To me, this is wrong because we are still married. It makes me sick to my stomach.

Ouch, this is extremely hurtful. It is definitely wrong. And the military takes adultery a lot less lightly than the rest of the world these days, so he should be careful (not that this is your concern atm).

Whatever happens, I do not want to go through this process and emerge feeling dirty. I have the power to decide whether I want to soil myself and to compromise my integrity and I have decided that nothing and no one is worth it. I will always have myself and I will always have to live with myself and I do not intend to do anything that 10 years down the road will make me ashamed to look at myself in the mirror. To quote our former first lady, "when they go low, we go high." When I decide to find someone else, it will be on my terms and I will do it in a way that I will not be ashamed of.

Hold on tight to this. You are absolutely right that at the end of the day all you have for certain is yourself and you should be able to hold your head high and proud with your integrity intact. I always imagine talking to my hypothetical future children, later in life once they are grown, and strive to be the person I would want them to see. I want to be able to give them solid wisdom and advice and be able to back it up with examples from a well-lived life I am proud of. It's not worth compromising that for a moment of weakness, especially one brought on by someone else's transgressions.

[Olya]

Ouch, this is extremely hurtful. It is definitely wrong. And the military takes adultery a lot less lightly than the rest of the world these days, so he should be careful (not that this is your concern atm).

I promise you, he intended it this way.

I have no idea how much of it I should believe. He basically told me the same thing a year ago when he was throwing the same fit. Later, he (1) forgot he ever said it and (2) was appalled that I thought he'd do it.

I feel like I've been living with a crazy person, and I really don't want the crazy to rub off.

Last year, I begged and pleaded. I am not doing that again.

I am also very aware of what I can do to him if he has an affair and I may just have the connections that could help me do it. I would be lying if I said that it isn't tempting or that I haven't thought about blowing up his life on my way out. Right now, I am against taking this kind of action. I'd like to think that I am capable of being a better person than that. Again, it's that whole "looking at yourself in the mirror" thing.

[MoveFrwd]

I feel like I've been living with a crazy person, and I really don't want the crazy to rub off.

Remember that it's only crazy if you try to apply YOUR logic to it. To him, Im sure it all makes complete sense.

Thats why the rule around here is to not believe anything they say. Not because theyre lying to you, but because theres so much fluidity and contradiction and it will lead you on wild goose chases to try to understand.