I'm not sure how you are DBIng, b/c you say it's not working, but what is it that you are doing differently than before the A?
I was doing much more house chores but have backed off. I no longer initiate conversation, physical touches, listen more intently to the W while using eye contact. I don't persue or ask where my w has been or what her plans are. I go out out a few nights of the week to a gym I joined or to hang out with friends and don't tell her where I'm going only that I'll be back in a few hours and to call me if something comes up with the kids.
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What were you like when she fell in love with you?
I am the same laid back hard working adrenaline loving honest guy. My shape and appearance has changed little. However, I did not take my relationship for granted at the beginning like I now realize I have recently
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As for the HANDGUN
that would freak me out big time. You are angry, you bought a gun. Those are facts.
A man in my Divorcecare group last year stabbed his wife and shot himself in the head.
Left 2 orphan kids. He snapped. We will never know what was said in the 90 seconds of his returning the kids after an outing.
So for me, it's a big alarm going off. DING DING DING
I can see your point. I didn't mention before that my wife and I have wanted a handgun or two for quite a few years. We were going to get our conceal carry permit but recently the state law changed so one is not needed. I said there is no excuse now to not carry and be able to protect my family vs god forbid get in a situation where I wish I had protection and didn't. Also, most of the times im in the woods my buddies carry and I don't have to worry about bears. When my wife and I are hiking or camping alone I knew it would be a little peace of mind. Last fall I shot quite a bit with friends and decided come tax return time, I'd make the investment. So that is what I did,just happened to fall during these difficult times. I am level headed and don't ever get angry enough to misuse a firearm but I have removed the safe and gun from the property.
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You are spinning. You are obsessing and we all have been there. It's like nothing else gets your attention. Try to be present for your kids and not gearing up for a war, so much.
You are right on. I feel like I'm reading and reading and trying to do the right thing. It is constantly on my mind and I'm not seeing the progress I had hoped for and am struggling. I know I can do better and I need to step back each day and tell myself I don't know or have control over the situation and the outcome...I only have control over me. Once I improve my gal it Should be easier. Right now I need more activities. I offered two to help two Friends over the weekend help anytime they need it. One is building a house, the other has started a brewery/pub. Another month will be easier with fishing and golfing around the corner.
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What are your 180s?
I need work here/ideas. I just head out when the kids are in bed without telling her my plans. I am on my cell much more and send friends more messages than in the past (typically never use to text or message). Problem is the MIL and wife picked up on it and I backed off once the W accused me of cheating. I felt like it might be sending the wrong message. I do jump at any chance to be with my girls, whether it is watching a movie or spending time off from school with them. I do stand up to the W whenever she says something inaccurate or talks harsh to the girls when in the past I'd let it slide and not rock the boat. The only other little thing I can think of is I am more decisive. In the past the W could say what do you want for dinner? I'd say, I don't care, whatever you'd like to cook (thinking I'm being easy going and let her pick but looking back she would even say at times "why can't you just decide?" Now I look her in the eyes and give her a clear answer each and every time.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
Another quick update. My W went out with a "friend" on Friday night for dinner and never came home. I told myself I would not ask any questions, don't need to know details and act like I'm moving on. But then I had a setback. My D7 woke up at 7 am and frantically searched the house for Mom. She then came to me and said "Dad, Mom didn't come home! Her cars gone and she hasn't answered her phone! I called Grammie (MIL) and she texted Mom but didn't text hear back." MIL said maybe she was getting her nails done. I got angry inside and said my MIL better not start making excuses to my girls and went into protection mode. When the phone finally rang half an hour later I told d7 not to answer it and I did ( looking back I should have let her answer it). I said in a stearn voice to my w " you want to tell me where you are and when you'll be here? She flipped the table and said " yeah, like you tell me where your going and when you'll be back!" I said I let you know I'm going in town and I always come back the same night. I have two girls asking questions and I want to know what I'm going to tell them." I almost said heartbroken girls because they were nervous and upset but I remember reading not to bring the kids into this or make the S feel guilty. It was tough because I wanted to show my girls I am there to protect them but didn't want to persue the W. I did reassure the girls that mom would be back. Then a thought crossed my mind, what if she was in trouble? I'd feel terrible. I never called her to know where she was or what she was up to. I acted like I didn't care. Later she told me it wasn't planned for her to stay overnight (not that I believe that). I think she is out with OM and know she'll say she was out with a friend but regardless, I feel powerless in this situation and would take any advice on what to say or do and what not to say or do.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
Natash, I can't believe your wife did that with little girls at home waiting for her, not to mention her husband. That's crazy. I don't blame you for the setback.
I'm not sure I'm a position to offer any advice because I've been through this with my husband and I've made mistakes. Maybe my best advice is to assure you that this wild euphoric stay-out-all-night stage can't last forever. Even if your wife is out with OM eventually reality will hit when she and OM face problems in their relationship or when she starts to see how it's affecting her children. Maybe right now she's blinded by love for OM which is just so totally unfair to you and your kids, but if you want to potentially reconcile or keep your family together it seems you're doing the right things and by being patient you should eventually see your wife becoming more rational in weeks or months. I think the DB book says affairs last around six months.
That is so traumatizing for you to go through this. I feel so bad for you and your kids. I wish sometimes our society wasn't so open and it wouldn't be so easy for people to do these things. Sometimes I think Saudi Arabia has the right idea except the same stuff somehow happens there too...I guess humans have the same behavior everywhere and the same capacity for wrecklessness and selfishness regardless of nationality or geography.
I hope you hang in there and just remember this behavior won't last forever.
MIL said maybe she was getting her nails done. I got angry inside and said my MIL better not start making excuses to my girls and went into protection mode
My DIL was a WW. As a grandmother of little girls, I can see your MIL trying to assure her grandchildren........more than covering for the WW.
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When the phone finally rang half an hour later I told d7 not to answer it and I did ( looking back I should have let her answer it). I said in a stearn voice to my w " you want to tell me where you are and when you'll be here? She flipped the table and said " yeah, like you tell me where your going and when you'll be back!" I said I let you know I'm going in town and I always come back the same night.
You gave her a very good answer when she flipped the table. I'm so sorry your children are nervous and feel anxious b/c their mother is not where her responsibility lies. The innocent suffer the sins of the parent.
Apparently D7 is use to seeing mommy first thing when she wakes up. Maybe in the future, you could set your alarm clock to get up before your youngest child wakes. Seeing her daddy up and in charge of running the home, so to speak, may help steady her fears if mommy is missing. This is not rescuing your WW, but rather, your child.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Maybe my best advice is to assure you that this wild euphoric stay-out-all-night stage can't last forever. Even if your wife is out with OM eventually reality will hit when she and OM face problems in their relationship or when she starts to see how it's affecting her children. Maybe right now she's blinded by love for OM which is just so totally unfair to you and your kids, but if you want to potentially reconcile or keep your family together it seems you're doing the right things and by being patient you should eventually see your wife becoming more rational in weeks or months.
Thank you Nicole for the kind words and your advice on the time frame this situation will last was helpful to me this morning. After reading that, I said shes right. This wont last forever. I can do this.
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My DIL was a WW. As a grandmother of little girls, I can see your MIL trying to assure her grandchildren........more than covering for the WW
Thank you for the reply Sandi. This thought did cross my mind and I do believe that is what she was probably doing as I highly doubt she knew what (or who) her daughter was actually doing. My MIL loves my girls and they love her back. I'd say the each mean the world to each other and my MIL had been texting me often wondering how things are going and hoping for improvements. I did have to tell her the last time, about a month ago, that I wish I could share my thoughts and opinions with her but my W was already upset (that the MIL was reaching out to me and not her own daughter..and I dont blame my W for being upset about this.
On a different note, I've been following some other threads and when I read this one (below) I felt like every word you spoke to rminer and his situation is exactly like my situation. I never sit still and am always working on the house or something (until BD). My wife has told me that she feels like she is not appreciated at all, she feels like the family maid, and I thought she hadn't contributed to the success of our family.
My question is, when I read this and feel so much like you are speaking about my situation should I follow the advice you give to someone else in a same situation as myself?
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As you've previously explained, you spent every spare minute working on something. If your W has felt neglected, not heard, not validated, and you didn't show her attentivness, then I think this her way of trying to tell you. A woman is like a flower. If you don't tend to her emotional needs, she'll turn ugly and die. I think you focused on working too much, and you started tuning out the things you considered as unimportant. One of worst habits a H can do is not listening to his W. It is so rude! Whether or not it's important to you......it was to her, and she is trying to connect to her H. If he won't listen to unimportant things, why would she want to share that which is intimate and personal with him? Having a H who doesn't hear her, destroys a woman's sense of value! It's the beginning of making her feel unappreciated, unimportant, and unloved by her H.
So, hopefully, you are improving in those areas^^^^^^^^. She wants you to show her she is still that special girl that has your heart. She wants you to do some action that simply says you care.........like cleaning up the dog mess. Listen, I think she wants and needs just the two of you to share in some activity that is not classified as "working". You know......like a few decades ago before all the kids came along?
I am not defending a woman who turns to another man while she is still M. But, I have to ask why you think she turned to someone else? She wants you to not only validate her, but praise her when she does something well. Notice her when she looks extra pretty. Share yourself with her. I think when a couple stops having pillow talk, they lose something very special in their relationship. I think her actions have been horrible toward you, but I also think she has tried to get your attention. I hope you are hearing me loud and clear.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
My question is, when I read this and feel so much like you are speaking about my situation should I follow the advice you give to someone else in a same situation as myself?
Previously I had asked Sandi about her reply and havent heard anything back. I realize she is very active and extremely helpful to many people here so I'm sure she misses a post or two. Then I got thinking, I am sure that is another veteran or two reading that may be able to share their opinion and thoughts with me on this and my WW.
Should I be giving praise or compliments while detatching and distancing myself? At first I thought no but maybe I should be? It's like when I realized I was not supposed to be super dad and started having my wife do more chores (ones she always did in the past until 4 months ago at the start of the A). She told me it was nice at first that I was going 180 mph doing everything and she didn't have to do a thing. Since then I've backed off. She can alternate with me giving the girls showers, no need for me to do it three times a week every week so she can txt OM. Same with prepping the girls lunches. I no longer do all the laundry and stopped taking care of the damn litter box. However, I have not backed off making meals because it has been something I've wanted to learn and ease into for a period of time. Now that time is here and even though it helps the w out, I feel it helps me more. It shows both of us im capable of cooking and I am learning something new along the way.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
N.....I would not be giving her praise or compliments. She is in an A with another man....imo it would make you look weak.
I remember very early on in my witch I told my W she looked nice.....she gave me an non emotional thank you but my compliment met nothing to her as she wanted nothing to do with me.
Be nice, polite, etc. but keep it all business. Show her strength.
I remember very early on in my witch I told my W she looked nice.....she gave me an non emotional thank you but my compliment met nothing to her as she wanted nothing to do with me.
Be nice, polite, etc. but keep it all business. Show her strength.
My 10 cents.
Makes good sense. Now that you say that, before I had confirmed OM I said one day after I had seen my wife had done her hair, make up, push up bra,etc I said "wow, you look stunning!" and she looked over and scowled at me. I said did you just scowl at me because you aren't used to me giving you a compliment or did you scowl because you didn't like what I said?" She just shrugged her shoulders and walked away.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
It’s a tough spot....I have 2 young daughters as well. I felt the same thing you are feeling early on. Fast forward 9 months and they are both doing great. Be a rock for them, never let them see you struggle emotionally (keep that behind the curtain) and if they see you uneffected it will do wonders for them. If you follow sandis rules will gain confidence and clarity.
I was lucky in many respects that my W moved out 3 weeks after BD which I pushed her on doing. She brought it up and I told her to make it happen ASAP. I have no regrets. I did not want an in house separation and while I did not save my MR my W and I are cordial to one another and I believe we will have a great co parenting relationship.
Natash, I don't really know the right answer to your question but my own opinion would be to do what works best. If you complimented your wife once and she seemed happy and responsive then maybe compliments will help. If she scowled at you and shrugged her shoulders and walked away, however, then that sounds like a sign that compliments wouldn't be appropriate for now.
