My first reaction was just that f*ck it, I deserve something better. All the painful memories of A and lying about it came back. I thought that just do what you want, I´m done with this BS. I want a woman who wants to be with me.[/quote]
^^^^^^ Exactly. Now what are you going to do about it?
But you aren't getting the fact she doesn't want to have an exclusive MR with you. Perhaps she has tried to tell you, but you aren't hearing what she says.........you are hearing what you want her to say.
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Not only are you not detached, but you are obsessed with the belief that if you two discuss your feelings enough.....it will eventually bring you together again.
To be honest to myself, this is completely correct. She has told me that at the moment she don´t want to have relationship with me. But I want to "turn every stone" as I have also said in the therapy... Feels bad to admit it, but I am obsessed.
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At this point, I think you probably need to stop finding a label for her that suits you. I suggest you end MC and seek IC with a different therapist. You need to heal and figure yourself out, before trying to figure her out. Put time and distance between the two of you. Free her to "grow" as much as she likes, while you learn to do the same.
I get this, but first things first: if I end MC, I´m afraid that if we end up not being together, I will regret that since getting to that therapist has been really big effort and we have got to taste what the emotional connection feels like (at least in my mind?). I see that I have this pattern of doing everything I can so that I don´t have regrets later.
BUT, I also know that W is not committed to R and maybe as you said, also wants to date another men. By letting her "grow" as much as she likes, I should also acknowledge this. And if she has a possibility to date other men, that´s a deal breaker for me.
SO, as LH asked,
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Now what are you going to do about it?
I´ve got an idea, but please help me to fine tune it.
I could say something along the lines of: "I guess that I have not listened enough your will to end our relationship. Since you are not committed to our reconciliation, the MC does not make sense. I have not seen any active steps from you´re side, but you just hang along. You clearly have an issues to solve for your self, where I cannot help you. So go and grow. I know that I deserve something better. I want a woman who want´s to be with me or nothing."
Then I could stop paying any other expenses than required by law, and let her live her life as she wants. Talking only kids and finance stuff with her.
But after this new scenario, I´m sure she´d probably go to see OM or others, and I have need to define terms in my head as well to get a clear ground rules with other women. If my W is dating other guys, I don´t see myself a married man either.
Having said all this, this feel so radical step to take. I know that I´m obsessed, but I´m afraid doing things that I might regret later.
On the other hand, I want to take my stand for me to be able to respect myself.
One more question to the board: What if she asks that can we date others now if we stop MC? Should I just reply that you do what you want and I do what I want?
If she tells you she wants to date others if you stop MC, you tell her, "to put in the divorce papers" and she can date whonshe wants. You won't agree to that and if she wants to move on you won't stand in her way. You also won't sit around waiting on her. GAL hard. Start enjoying life. Go do things you have never done but always wanted to do.
You have a life as well. Live it. Become interesting and mysterious.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Anyways, W called me today and I pretty much said what I mentioned above. It feels such a huge relief - like a big weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I feel that I have taken my stand that I deserve better than being in limbo for years. Of course, at the same time I feel very sad. And frightened about will I ever learn to love again.
I also said to my W that I´m not comfortable communicating via WhatsApp anymore. She just has a habit of sending me these short messages via that app, and it stresses me out that i need to reply fast after I have red it. Also, since she was earlier communicating with OM via WhatsApp (and freaking WW BFF ALL the time), I hate that app. Maybe it´s odd, but it´s how I feel. So i said to W that if she has something in her mind concerning kids, she can either call me or send an SMS/email...
Well, now she sent me this SMS: "I´m so deeply sorry and sad that I can´t (get back feelings for me)!! I know that you have changed. You have worked so hard to save our relationship.... I´m so deeply sad and disappointed to myself, that it has not changed my feelings for you. I think that it happened too late.. everything happened too late.. I miss you and us terribly much" And she also sent: "Should we just go to the counselling one more time, to address these feelings and having closure?"
I don´t know how to answer the last message... I know it would not likely change anything, but still the obsessed me would want to check that out...
You shouldn't be the least bit surprised. You keep dumping your feelings out there and you anticipated that she wasn't there yet... you knew deep down she wasn't there yet.
You feel better for having dumped your emotional mess on her but only for a short time... you are already feeling some panic and fear that you have cut your own rope.
She doesn't want to hurt you and I'm sure she feels some guilt for your sadness - she is ILYBINILWY... they often will tell you they can't get their feelings back or its too late... blah blah blah.
She just admitted she saw you changing but it hasn't been long enough for her to know those changes are real and are going to stick.
You kept pushing... constantly pushing discussing R and that pushes the WW right out the door.
Stop communicating via the app if you despise it so... do not respond to her texts... let her wonder what's going on with G.. and G you need to get out and GAL. You need to stop putting your emotional mess back in her lap.
You are your own worst enemy right now and I always tell people you can’t make things better right now but you can make them worse. Before every move you make you should ask yourself will this make me look strong or make me look weak. Talking about your feelings to her weak”. Give her time and space to figure out what each other’s wants and kicking the $hit out of life “strong”..
We told you a transparency plan was a must and you didn’t listen. My hunch is she went to fair with OM and he won the Bear and they panicked about what if you asked where it came from.
You feel better for having dumped your emotional mess on her but only for a short time... you are already feeling some panic and fear that you have cut your own rope.
I know. I feel nuts with emotions going from one end to another. But I need to stick in detaching and not letting her to bounce me all around. Giving her the space and cutting the cake eating. Need to get my own [censored] together.
Hi Gettin! That´s right. You need to detach. It takes time: your time. Try to keep your mind in peace. You can´t control your W. You must work on yourself. Go dark, detach and start GAL.
I agree with LH about the bear...sorry.
Stay strong man. Be pacient.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I understand that I have not appeared to be strong lately in my communication with W. I guess I was too worried that I give more of the same if I kept my feelings inside. I just need to wake up and acknowledge that my situation is different now - W do not want R with me. I need to stop punishing myself for the past and take responsibility of creating happiness that comes from within.
I´m also totally aware that W could have been keeping the contact with OM, even intentionally meet him at fair. But still I don´t think they went or spent time together there, since my kids were there as well.
I don´t dear to be loud of my GAL or detaching plans that how good they look, since honestly - it´s not going so well as I guess everybody who have red my thread knows. Feels that I have lost myself during this process. But I will take small steps to right direction and hopefully in time I got to be that grounded man I want to be. The man who is happy with or without people around him.
