She told me she needed to know if she had to find someone to watch the girls. I said "I will watch them" and left it at that. I've got the book, almost half way through it. This is such a tough journey and I'm just at the beginning. It's so tempting to throw the towel in now, divorce, and move forward. The problem with that is I'd always second guess that decision by saying what if I waited and see how the separation went. Problem is, u don't know if x amount of time down the road she will or will not show remorse. With out remorse I'd never be able to forgive her enough to respect and trust again. I see why GAL is so important, it'll get this sitch off my mind but until then I'm struggling.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
This is such a tough journey and I'm just at the beginning. It's so tempting to throw the towel in now, divorce, and move forward. The problem with that is I'd always second guess that decision by saying what if I waited and see how the separation went.
Hang in the man this $hit ain't easy. You will be thankful you fought for your kids and your family. That is something you can tell your kids when they are older. I promise you it gets easier and you will have a great life ahead of you in the future if you demand it.
Hang in the man this $hit ain't easy. You will be thankful you fought for your kids and your family. That is something you can tell your kids when they are older. I promise you it gets easier and you will have a great life ahead of you in the future if you demand it.
Stay strong!
Thank you lh19, my two innocent girls are the reason I chose to stand for the MR, if it weren't for them I would have filed the day after meeting with the lawyer. I need to be the stable parent and show them I fought as hard as I could, planning for the worst but hoping for the best.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
Good morning friends, I am looking for some advice. I have read that a H needs to show his WW tough love. I also understand I need to detatch and let her go (am working on it). My delima is choosing when to use which one? Should I use let her go over tough love? I know for myself the tough love will be something I have to work on. Right now W is still sharing our Master Bedroom. I feel like if I put my foot down and say enough is enough, you need to sleep else where before moving out that conflicts with the let her go approach. I should have kicked her out right after BD but did not want to rush to any decisions and did not want my girls noticing. I now have a bed setup in a spare room and feel I need more space to be able to continue to detatch. I'm also getting tired of being woken up at whatever hour the W crawls into bed. I think the core issue is I have not been able to come up with any boundaries to enforce while WW is still home (other than calling her out on any disrespectful words/ actions towards the girls or myself).
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
The general rule of thumb is if she is in a known active affair you ask her to leave the martial bedroom and or move her stuff out of the bedroom into the guest room. This move shows strength and clearly let's her know you will not share her with anyone else.
She told me she needed to know if she had to find someone to watch the girls. I said "I will watch them" and left it at that. I see why GAL is so important, it'll get this sitch off my mind but until then I'm struggling.
and from here on out, you do need to start having plans to do things--FOR YOURSELF... WITHOUT your girls... so next time your W asks if you have plans for Friday, you can truthfully say, "yes."... because you are out there GETTING A LIFE!
N - Before my W moved out and I realized what was going on the same thing was happening to me. This was before BD and I wish I would have recognized it sooner but I didn't. Looking back I realize it was not very attractive of me to always be at home with the kids even though I thought (at the time) I was being a good parent and spouse by doing this so my W could go out with her friends. Looking back I think about what my W thought about me while I was sitting at home doing this in my sweat pants while she was out living it up, all dolled up with dudes probably hitting on her.
I agree with everyone else......make plans, get out ASAP!
My delima is choosing when to use which one? Should I use let her go over tough love? I know for myself the tough love will be something I have to work on. Right now W is still sharing our Master Bedroom. I feel like if I put my foot down and say enough is enough, you need to sleep else where before moving out that conflicts with the let her go approach.
I am interested in knowing how you see conflict in the two. What do you see as "tough love" and "letting her go"?
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I think the core issue is I have not been able to come up with any boundaries to enforce while WW is still home (other than calling her out on any disrespectful words/ actions towards the girls or myself)
I think the core issue is NGS. ((hugs))
Okay, let's talk about your plan, so far. I want to make sure I have it right.
* You are standing for your M. (What does "standing" look like to you)?
*. You will interact with your W as if she is paying for room & board at your home. (Is this correct)?
* You are "letting her go".
* You will not tolerate her disrespect toward you or your children.
If there is more, then add it to your list. In the meantime, I will share my thoughts about these four bullet points above. You can post your thoughts.
To me, "standing for your M", means to remain faithful and honorable to your wedding vows, as long as you are married. It doesn't mean you broadcast how YOU ARE STANDING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE! It doesn't mean you try to get others to agree with you. It doesn't mean you take on acting the role of a victim, get sympathy from others, portray yourself as pitiful to her, try to make her feel guilty, etc. In no sense of speaking, should you ever intentionally appear to her as if you are self-righteous.........or sacrificial. Standing for your M is a personal decision. Allow her the same privilege.
I previously shared my thoughts about interacting as if she were a boarder in the house. Do you feel you are able to relate to that scenario? I just wondered, since the "boarder" is sharing the marital bedroom with you. It is your decision if you want her to sleep elsewhere. It is best for the faithful spouse to remain in the marital bedroom, especially when the faithful spouse is the also the man and head of the home, the protector and provider. I talked more about the symbolic meaning in the marital bedroom and the importance of the husband/father remaining there, in my first thread about the mindset of WW's.
While on the subject of the WW leaving the MBR, let me add the other side of that coin. There are some WW's who are so out of control and can become enraged so easily......things can turn physical if the H tries to force the WW out. I know of at least one case where the cops were called and H was carried to jail, and he never touched his W. He simply continued to throw her things out of the MBR. She was yelling and cursing......I don't know about him. At any rate, this is not something children should witness, and the original purpose of having the WW sleep elsewhere has been lost, if the H has to succumb to the bullying actions of his WW. Any type of domestic violence is not the answer. So, every man has to judge for himself (he knows his W much better than we do) and determine how to deal with it, and if things might get out of hand. Has she said anything about wanting you to sleep in another room?
"Letting her go" is to removing your need to control her. (Don't confuse this with letting her dishonor your boundaries. We can talk about that later). Letting her go is dropping the emotional rope you have tied around her. Currently, you want to pull her back with that rope you've tied around her. Let it go. "Letting her go" is you letting go of having expectations. In other words, you don't do something just to see her response, nor get your hopes up b/c her mood was better one day. You think of her and treat her as if she were no more, and no less, than an elderly lady staying there for room/board. If you'll work at having that mindset toward her, I think you'll see a difference in your feelings.....and certainly in actions.
"Letting her go" doesn't mean you are giving up on the M. It doesn't mean you have to act happy that she's tearing apart the family. It doesn't mean you show approval or disapproval. It just means you stop trying to pressure her. You stop guilting her, and trying to persuad her to stay. As far as she can tell, it looks as if you've stopped striving to save the M. When this happens, she'll feel the pressure release and she'll probably act real friendly and happy. Some WW's even become affectionate toward the H. Don't let it throw you for a loop. She's just responding to feeling the lack of emotional pressure from you.
Calling her out whenever she shows disrespect toward you, is better than just ignoring it. As long as she stops doing the action, then continue calling her out. If she doesn't paathens to you calling her out........then what? That's when you need to implement some action to protect your feelings.......and/or the kids. Your goal is to protect your feelings.......but, I've learned that to a lot H's with NGS......that means to walk away. In some instances that is the best thing to do. However, if it means walking away causes him to look like a wuss, then he needs to do something more effective........otherwise, she's going to continue disrespecting him.
So, what does tough love look like to you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am interested in knowing how you see conflict in the two. What do you see as "tough love" and "letting her go"?
I feel tough love would be to stand up to my wife and be firm with her. Like in the past she could roll her eyes at me over something simple that irritated her. Now I tell her "there is no need to roll your eyes at me, I find it disrespectful". Telling her that I won't share her or a bedroom with her also seems like it would fall into this category. Anytime there was a time she needed to feel the consequences of her decisions would be TL too. I guess I feel if I'm showing her feelings even if it is from tough love that it contradicts the let it go theory. I wouldn't show the little old lady for a roommate tough love. Maybe I'm misunderstanding or missing something?
"I think the core issue is NGS. ((hugs))"
Yes, I think you are right. There are many NGS traits I don't have (openly honest,don't use a "hobby" or activity to pacify anxiety, am driven//non procrastenator),etc but when it comes to women, I have many ngs traits.
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Okay, let's talk about your plan, so far. I want to make sure I have it right.
* You are standing for your M. (What does "standing" look like to you)?
*. You will interact with your W as if she is paying for room & board at your home. (Is this correct)?
* You are "letting her go".
* You will not tolerate her disrespect toward you or your children.
If there is more, then add it to your list. In the meantime, I will share my thoughts about these four bullet points above. You can post your thoughts.
You are exactly correct. I am interacting with my W as she is a roommate. No physical touching, no R talks. We coordinate the weekly meals, she buys groceries, and we take turns preparing meals. Any talks have been about her health, feelings, or topics pertaining to our girls. I am standing to stay true to my vow and I am letting go of my W. She might come back, she might not. I can't control her or have any expectations from her. I can not stand the constant cellphone use/messaging but haven't thought of a way to discuss it without coming across as controlling. So I am biting my teeth and bearing it knowing I can't control her and she will do disrespectful and hurtful things while wayward.
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I previously shared my thoughts about interacting as if she were a boarder in the house. Do you feel you are able to relate to that scenario? I just wondered, since the "boarder" is sharing the marital bedroom with you. It is your decision if you want her to sleep elsewhere. It is best for the faithful spouse to remain in the marital bedroom, especially when the faithful spouse is the also the man and head of the home, the protector and provider.
I am completely able to relate but struggled with the sleeping arrangements. She has never said she wanted me to sleep else where. You just clarified it for me by saying it is my choice.
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While on the subject of the WW leaving the MBR, let me add the other side of that coin. There are some WW's who are so out of control and can become enraged so easily......things can turn physical if the H tries to force the WW out. I know of at least one case where the cops were called and H was carried to jail, and he never touched his W. He simply continued to throw her things out of the MBR. She was yelling and cursing......I don't know about him. At any rate, this is not something children should witness, and the original purpose of having the WW sleep elsewhere has been lost, if the H has to succumb to the bullying actions of his WW. Any type of domestic violence is not the answer. So, every man has to judge for himself (he knows his W much better than we do) and determine how to deal with it, and if things might get out of hand.
My wife has a temper and mouth to go with it especially if she has a few drinks. Tonight I was going to move her items out of our room and when she gets back late tonight shed see I had enough...but...I always wondered if it would back fire or be worth it? Would she throw a Tempertantrum and wake the girls? Would she get pissed and say screw you and move stuff back in? Would she start throwing items late at night? You helped me realize I can suck it up for a few more late night weekends and avoid anything escalating out of hand.
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You think of her and treat her as if she were no more, and no less, than an elderly lady staying there for room/board. If you'll work at having that mindset toward her, I think you'll see a difference in your feelings.....and certainly in actions.
This was very helpful in getting me to focus and relax with our routine interactions and move towards detatching. The struggle comes when my W and I interaction s envolve the girls. Last weekend I told the W I was taking the girls to the Maple Festival. She could join us if she wanted to but if not she could stay home. She joined us and it was a pleasant day. We went out to lunch and the W thanked me twice afterwards (hasn't thanked me for going out to eat in months even before A). I feel these situations allow her to cake eat.
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Calling her out whenever she shows disrespect toward you, is better than just ignoring it. As long as she stops doing the action, then continue calling her out. If she doesn't paathens to you calling her out........then what?......but, I've learned that to a lot H's with NGS......that means to walk away. In some instances that is the best thing to do.
Calling her out has worked every time. I don't think she used to it might it might change if she does. Yesterday we were leaving D5 spring concert and she started bit*hing about where I chose to park. She gave me a smartass "yeah, great place to park, we are getting out real quick!", I stearnly and calmly said " I didn't say we'd get out quickly, I said I picked this spot because it would be easier to get the truck out of (a parking lot full of vehicles). "Oh yeah" she said, "it worked great". I looked over and firmly said " are you done?!" She said with a smirk "nope!" But that was it, she dropped the topic.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
sorry you are here, I'm sure it's quite painful and stressful.
I'm not sure how you are DBIng, b/c you say it's not working, but what is it that you are doing differently than before the A?
What were you like when she fell in love with you?
As for the HANDGUN
that would freak me out big time. You are angry, you bought a gun. Those are facts.
A man in my Divorcecare group last year stabbed his wife and shot himself in the head.
Left 2 orphan kids. He snapped. We will never know what was said in the 90 seconds of his returning the kids after an outing.
So for me, it's a big alarm going off. DING DING DING
You are spinning. You are obsessing and we all have been there. It's like nothing else gets your attention. Try to be present for your kids and not gearing up for a war, so much.
What are your GAL activities (and btw, you can tell her SOME of them b/c you are having FUN), and then be a bit mysterious about the rest.
Right now i feel like you are doing a tit for tat game and really really wanting to "win/be right" but that's not the way to approach this. Take in and process what the DB books say.
Do you want to be "right" or do you want to be happy?
Also, I do NOT condone your wife having an A. I DO NOT!
but your post and story sounds to me like you have some issues of your own to work on.
What are your 180s?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
