Friends, I'd like to share an update and a few thoughts and then finish responding to 25yrsmlc's last post.
In two weeks I'll be moving up North to one of the major cities as I planned last fall. It's a little hard to believe I'm moving. There are risks - what if I don't find the right job? What if paying out-of-pocket for high quality health insurance isn't sustainable? What if my daughter doesn't like her new school? On the other hand I can't stay here any longer where I live now. It's too depressing and despite being very active here socially.
Anyway, I believe it was on January 4th when my husband had his big outburst saying he wants an immediate divorce, there's no hope, everything was a mistake, etc.. Now it's the end-of-March and he's done nothing to pursue the divorce. He mentioned it when he was in a terrible mood three weeks ago, but since then he's acted normal and hasn't mentioned anything.
Today my husband was visiting and I thought he was going to ask about the divorce when he said "I scheduled an appointment....with an accountant to do our taxes."
On the day when my daughter and I move into our new apartment my husband will be there waiting for us, or so he says. He's going to fly up there the night before and he'll meet us when we arrive in the morning with our car. He says he wants to be there to 'check everything and make sure it's ok.' He says he'll see how it goes and maybe he'll stay there with us that night.
I just wonder what's happening.
25yrsmlc - that's great to hear you're dating. That is a big step forward. It must be so great to have someone with whom you can go out and spend time. That's also very fortunate for you that you had family to help out both financially and with helping you get moved and probably with emotional support as well. If you have financial security now, even if it's not what you should have, that's also still a positive thing. It seems the right elements are in place for you to move on even though surely you sometimes the divorce affects you on some level. It's encouraging to hear your story. Thanks for taking the time share it. I really do appreciate the tips about dating in the future and introducing someone to my daughter.
I understand what you're saying about protecting myself before I leave. I'm still thinking about it and will discuss it with my therapist tomorrow, but one thing that is hard to do is convey the full situation over a forum like this. As you know there are many caveats and not everything gets shared here in a public place. My friends who know the situation best believe it's ok to wait to take any action, but I will have my husband sign-off that he agrees for our daughter to move out-of-state regardless.
One of my physicians (I've also been sick) knows my husband and I saw him this week. He began to reveal that he knows a lot and clearly my husband has opened up to him. He said he believes my husband is burned out from working 60 - 80 hours per week.
I appreciate that those here on this forum who are further along in the process don't want to see us new ones make mistakes. I don't know at this moment if I'm making a mistake by not filing for divorce right at this time, but I do know the divorce wouldn't be finalized by the time I move and I don't want to delay moving. There's a lot to consider. One thing I really need is just to get away from here and to stabilize enough to think clearly.
The biggest disappointment of all for me, coming to this forum, is seeing the lack of success other members have had with the DB techniques from the book. I had a lot of confidence previously that DB is the way to go, but now I'm not so sure. There's nothing wrong with working on oneself to move forward with or without their spouse, but that's not why most of us come here. It seems we can totally shut out our spouse or we can beg and plead and neither will make any difference. This is really discouraging.
I'm always exhausted by the time I get a chance to post here so I didn't get to say everything on my mind, but thanks again 25yrsmlc and everyone else who has offered guidance and encouragement. I really do appreciate it.
there are two basic approaches to these hard situations when one spouse is out the door or is saying they are.
One is the tough love approach and the other is the DB approach of detachment and GAL, and forgiving a lot.
There might be a hybrid of sorts too. Here, the marriages are in serious trouble, not just facing a challenge.
In my case, I wish I had been firmer and enforced boundaries more, 10 years ago. It might not have made the difference, but I'd feel better about things, and who knows?
Maybe it would have truly shocked h back into our family, and changed him,
or maybe it would have ended the m sooner (not saying that's a bad or good thing either).
Maybe DBing gave us an extra 10 years and MAYBE that was not a waste...maybe I'd have discovered more about h then, that I have learned the past 18 months.
I know one thing for sure - Had I known then - what I know now, I'd have cut him loose long ago.
Marriages in trouble can work out, and I have 2 family members who actually divorced and later remarried their former spouses. A few years later...
(Note that they divorced, and they changed, and then they reconciled. And yes, the 2nd time around was better.)
Nicole, all I'm really saying is to get information from a lawyer in your present state and THEN figure out more of what you'll do. I filed in October in our home state, and moved east 2 weeks later. Our whole D has been conducted in a state in which neither of us lives.
In any case, gather intel and be empowered by the knowledge you gain. You need DO NOTHING, but gather information. Are your friends objecting to that??
And one last thing, I stayed with my x based A LOT on sunk costs and his potential as a h.
I may be repeating myself ^^^here, but it's worth repeating. It's very very common.
Learn from my errors, please. It'll make me feel a little useful here.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
The biggest disappointment of all for me, coming to this forum, is seeing the lack of success other members have had with the DB techniques from the book.
I've been here 6 years. Nearly every sitch I've followed ended in success (the few I wouldn't call particularly "successful" are situations where people got stuck in limbo due to their own inaction). Right now you probably think recon is the only path to success. It is not. A lot of the sitches here do end in recon (unfortunately a lot of those people quit posting after recon because they don't feel the need to come here anymore, "problem solved" as it were). Many sitches result in the LBS becoming so strong and independent that they no longer want recon. Both of those are successful endings. Mine falls under the latter, in the end I was the one that pushed the D through. DBing didn't save my M, it saved ME and although I didn't realize it at the time, that was even more important. I became stronger, more independent, in better shape, more responsible, more centered, more positive. I'm in a new R now and can honestly say DB'ing has saved it from following the same path as my previous M.
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It seems we can totally shut out our spouse or we can beg and plead and neither will make any difference. This is really discouraging.
If that's what you think then you don't understand DB'ing at all. Do you read Sandi's rules and think "oh OK I need to completely shut my H out of my life" because that is NOT what those rules say.
N - Just to add to what AS said. DBing did not save my MR as I will be D'd in two weeks. Will my W and I have an opportunity to RECON at some point after the D is final? Maybe? It sounds like the chances are good at some point.
I think some people define recon as happening before you D but I think in many situations it happens after.
Whether or not that ever happens to me I have no clue but what I can tell you is that I am a much better person today in all aspects of my life than I was a year ago at this time.
I have not shut my W out of my life but I am doing everything I can to move on emotionally. I have got to the point to where I am pleasant, polite, talkative, and realistically interacting as I normally would without any expectations from her or what she does or say impacting me in any way.
I don't initiate or bring us up but when she reaches out to me there is not an emotional impact (for the most part). I don't hang on every word or every interaction like I used to.
Just remember it takes 2 to make a MR work and no matter what you do DB or beg and plead if the other spouse wants out there is nothing you can do.
Nicole, I think sometimes the term "detachment" implies the wrong idea. We think we are "shutting out" the other person. That is why I prefer the term "differentiation". Do a Google search on "differentiation in marriage". I think the definitions you find will be very helpful to the actual concept of "detaching" that is discussed here.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Nicole, it would be great if DBing worked all the time, but like 25 says, by the time people get on this site their marriages are really in trouble. I'm a perfect example of that. You may be as well. But I know that if I hadn't practiced the techniques discussed here, I'd've wallowed in my misery, and would be far worse off.
You say you wonder what's happening. I think what's happening is you are his plan B, C or D. He's not pushing the divorce forward in case things don't work out with his 25 year old girlfriend.
Is your sense of self worth so low that being plan B is ok with you? I think not; don't act like it. You don't need him waiting for you to make sure you're ok. No, you're not ok, you're moving because he left you and said he's filing for divorce. You don't need him to check and make sure you're ok.
He has decided that working 60-80 hours a week and his new girlfriend are more important than you are. Until he changes his mind (don't count on it) you need to distance emotionally (!) as well as physically.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I'm confused by you saying you don't know what is happening. But I was like you in a way. I felt "confused" b/c my x's behaviors and actions were at odds with who I BELIEVED and HOPED he was.
But the actions were who he was and are who he is today. So there's no real confusion on his end. Your h does not yet benefit by filing for divorce, either financially and or due to his public image concerns.
But he's not saying or acting like a husband, towards you.
Instead of wondering what HE wants or plans, let's take a look at what YOU will accept before cutting your losses...
(IF IF IF there's a chance he will wake up to the loss he caused, there has to be an actual loss. So far, there's no loss to him. Classic cake eating, which seems to lessen their respect of the LBS). He's walking all over you and it's not endearing him to you at all. Just the opposite.
In other words, appeasing him is failing. And it's probably eating away even more at your self esteem.
Hang in there, you are not alone.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25yrsmls, AnotherStander, Joseph, Steve, and Jim, thank you so much for your responses. I seem to keep getting online too late every day and I try to always respond to someone else's post before my own, since we all need to support each other, but I really want to respond to each of your responses. I really appreciate your honesty and willingness to question my statements.
It's hard to think straight. I'm so exhausted though I kind of just want to forget about my marriage altogether and just move, start working, spend time with my friends, and focus on my daughter. Despite what I write here I've done quite a good job at DB in real life so perhaps there's a little more success than what I recognize. Maybe my husband saw the changes, which are sincere ones, and has second thoughts. Who knows. Regardless I can't just accept him back if he would ever come back.
I hope I can respond to each of you tomorrow. Thanks again!
I think my biggest mistake in my journey was not truly detaching. I still have trouble GAL (when you have 3 small children and a WH who barely steps up to parenting it becomes particularly challenging.) It causes waves of jealousy to think of another woman being with my WH. Not to mention the sledge hammer WH's criticisms of my physique, personality and intelligence take on my self esteem.
Forgive me my friend, my rage is clouding my ability to give any constructive advice. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I also feel let down by DBing, let's face it, I could read any self help book to work on myself but I wanted to save my marriage. That didn't happen and I feel disappointed my children will be from a divorced household.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
25yrsmlc, my sense is the DB approach is better than the tough love approach when someone walks out-the-door, since tough love doesn't offer much incentive to bring someone back at that point. It's nice to hear you have two families members who divorced and re-married. That's what my husband suggested a month or two back. I have mixed feelings about that but if he really wanted to change and sought long-term professional treatment then that'd be great to fix it. I did get more information from the legal standpoint this week but it didn't really change anything. Even if I get divorced here, unemployed, then get a job in another state and earn an income, or my husband loses his income, whatever happens will get adjusted even after divorce. I don't have much time to write in detail about it but basically I didn't find any reason not to move first, so I'm still moving. I see reasons to stay with my husband as well, based on sunk costs, but my husband is gone so there's nothing for me to decide there.
AnotherStander, I'm happy to hear you're aware of success stories that include both reconciliation and otherwise. That's really encouraging. I haven't been on this forum for too long so perhaps I only got a glimpse, and by chance, they've been mostly non-reconciliation stories. If I had come here two years ago mine would have been a reconciliation story as well, since my husband came back begging me to take him back the first time. I guess the long-term prospects once a reconciliation takes place are less guaranteed. In regard to understanding DB, I used a poor choice of words because I was writing fast and late at night but yes, I know that shutting someone out isn't the DB approach. I think 'going dark' is one technique of many to which I was briefly referring and that's for the purpose of self-growth and detachment....I'm writing fast again but I will try to finish the response more later...
Sorry everyone I will have to finish the responses later. My daughter is done with lunch and I have to go!
