sandi2, I need some help. Discovered that my WW is writing a letter to say she is sorry. How do I react to it? I know that the divorce papers are on the way. I know that this doesn't change anything,and she is still going to divorce me and be with the OM, but I also know how hard it will be for me to not respond in the right way. should I even acknowledge it?
Guilt or sympathy arent at all the same as regret.
There is no'right way' to respond. To me, Id say something like you appreciate her thoughts and leave it at that. It isnt an opening to pour your heart out to her.
Amoafwl, Its more that I would react with an outburst of you are the one that gave up on us, you are the one that gave us no chance t work on our relationship, you choose to go outside the marriage and have an affair which you are still in. I really need to get out of the NGS I have been living that most likely played a part is us being where we are divorcing.
---------------- Me-53 W-50 T-16 M-13 Bomb drop 1-16-18 Discovered EA 1-23-18 Discovered PA 2-2-18 Still involved with OM WW moved out 3-29-18
Amoafwl, Its more that I would react with an outburst of you are the one that gave up on us, you are the one that gave us no chance t work on our relationship, you choose to go outside the marriage and have an affair which you are still in. I really need to get out of the NGS I have been living that most likely played a part is us being where we are divorcing.
But like I said....she is sorry that youre hurting. She may feel bad about that.
But that doesnt mean she feels bad about what she is doing or her choices.
Amoafwl, I get that I'm sorry is a pity, or guilt thing. Regret or apology is a different dog. If she were to say I regret this or that, or apologize, then things might be different. I also know I have to get myself where I am living for me and not thinking about getting my W back. Pretty sure that ship has sailed and the best that I can hope for is to be a friend, however I'm not sure I can do that.
---------------- Me-53 W-50 T-16 M-13 Bomb drop 1-16-18 Discovered EA 1-23-18 Discovered PA 2-2-18 Still involved with OM WW moved out 3-29-18
I nearly made my self sick after reading Michelle's entry in the fidelity/..../thread. Especially the results of telling parents and family.
Here's what happened. Several years ago, there were some people on the board who really pushed exposing the cheater, in order to save the M. Apparently, some posters felt a bit bullied if they did not agree with those tactics. MWD received complaints, the "exposure" members were promptly removed from the board, and she wrote that "warning". It has been there ever since.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2, I need some help. Discovered that my WW is writing a letter to say she is sorry. How do I react to it? I know that the divorce papers are on the way. I know that this doesn't change anything,and she is still going to divorce me and be with the OM, but I also know how hard it will be for me to not respond in the right way. should I even acknowledge it?
Along,
One thing you have to realize is that she is no longer the woman you fell in love with. The marriage you had has died a death and will never be back. Not saying you couldnt have a better marriage because you can, but it has to be wanted by both. One question you have to ask yourself is do you really want her back. Obviously the marriage falling apart was both of your faults, but her being with another man is totally on her. Do you think you could trust her again? If you had started dating her 2 weeks ago and she did this how would you react differently? Right now your past is skewed... she mostly sees the bad things in the marriage and you mostly see the good things in the marriage.
She has given you the freedom to be the person you want to be. Through this process you will not be the person you used to be. Come to the realization that this new "you" might not even be liked by your ex, and you might not like your ex after the changes.
Become that person, and welcome the chance to be loved truly for the person you are, whether that be with your ex, or a future spouse. I am not saying to give up on your ex, what i am saying is to move on; and when you have moved on, your ex might see you for the person you are, and will want to start a new relationship with you.
M:43 W:33 M:10 T:11 D:6 BD 8/12/17 Divorce Final 1/23/2019
Its more that I would react with an outburst of you are the one that gave up on us, you are the one that gave us no chance t work on our relationship, you choose to go outside the marriage and have an affair which you are still in.
No, that's not the time to tell her any of that sort of thing. She would see it as preachy, or some other unattractive way. If she hands you the letter, go read it privately. Don't try to respond. If she should ask if you read it, just acknowledge that you did.
FWIW, when I was behaving inappropriately online with OM, I had not set down to plan how I could hurt my H in the worst way. At the same time, I knew that if he found out, it would hurt him very much.......and he would be absolutely shocked at my behavior.
Did I know he'd be devastated? Yes! Did it stop me from engaging in the A? No! My solution was to keep it hidden. . I had never hidden anything from my H, and there I was......betraying, lying, deceiving, and concealing.
The first time I gave a half-a$$ apology, I told him I didn't have an A to hurt him. (As if that was going to help his feelings). I also told him I hoped we could always be friends.
When I gave him my heart-felt, humble apology, I was so torn up that I had a lot of trouble getting my words out. I had to do a lot of work on my heart/mind between those two apologies.
If she actually gives you a written apology, don't misinterpret her action to be something it's not. It may be more of an explanation of why she's doing what she's doing. It is not an invitation for you to express your feelings, or whatever.
I've learned a lot of H's worry about what type of response he should have towards the possibility of his WW doing the right thing. When in reality, it not likely she'll do the right thing while she's engaged in an A.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi sandi2, Well. lets see on Friday I went out to the local brewery by myself after work. then after taking care of the animals at home went over to my sisters best friends house and we sat around and talked about what's going on with my sitch. WW was at her parents. WW was back home when I got there so I went to the bedroom I have been sleeping in and read. Saturday slep in which caused the WW to feed the animals. Got up took shower and started laundry. Sat on couch with WW then went to read some more. WW went into town for groceries and came back with packing supplies. She then started packing china and nicknacks. I kept watching basketball and hockey and didn't offer to help. Recently started texting with a friend who had recently gotten over divorce. We went back and forth Sunday. Sunday I finished the laundry, but had to take clothes to laundrymat to dry because dryer was not heating again. while in town I stopped by my parents and had lunch and helped with a couple of things for them. When I returned home the WW had started packing things from the kitchen. It all was starting to sink in that she is really moving out and the divorce is going to happen. Was a emotional time, but I didn't let her see that it was affecting me. Again she has been acting like there is nothing wrong and asking if I want something to eat or bringing dinner home. that part is hard also it is so hard to get my head around. I'm sure she is doing some of this to keep me calm and not fight over things until she can get out of the house. I am also reevaluating the house sitch and thinking that we should just sell it. the financial strain on me would be too great. I had been doing much better at letting go and moving on but the weekend really hit home. I asked her when she was moving because she hadn't said anything about that and she finally told me that this Thursday would be the day. Easter weekend what great timing.
---------------- Me-53 W-50 T-16 M-13 Bomb drop 1-16-18 Discovered EA 1-23-18 Discovered PA 2-2-18 Still involved with OM WW moved out 3-29-18
Still struggling with letting go. My head knows she is gone, but my heart is very persistent and strong in wanting to hold on. I have let my heart lead me for so long that I'm not sure how to get where I lead my heart where I want to be.
A big part of me wants to believe that somewhere down the road she will want to get together again, not with the same guy but with who I will be after this journey. Its time for me to get back to what I enjoyed doing when we first got together and I was a confident strong man not the defeated and weak husband I became. I need to work on being more outspoken when it comes to relationship problems or I am doomed to suffer the same fate again.
---------------- Me-53 W-50 T-16 M-13 Bomb drop 1-16-18 Discovered EA 1-23-18 Discovered PA 2-2-18 Still involved with OM WW moved out 3-29-18
. I had never hidden anything from my H, and there I was......betraying, lying, deceiving, and concealing. 
