Unfortunately I have to admit that I did wait to have that conversation and it was more than 5 minutes, although I am sure I am over analyzing. Not overanalyzing the scope of a normal relationship, but overanalyzing as it pertains to MLC behavior. I brought it up in the evening, but we didn't discuss till morning. I think if I were doing a 180 on it I wouldn't have brought it up at all as it probably doesn't matter much right now. I think I am getting caught up in the distance/pursuit game, but not realizing it till after.
When W and I had the conversation where she told me she had been thinking about things and realized her behavior (and all the stuff I mentioned before), I felt then that we had turned a bit of a corner. She explained she wanted more openness between us and not to walk on eggshells around each other and not to sweep things under the rug. Things were good for a week or so, but then when I had something that was bothering me I felt compelled to say something about it (not in an angry way, just bring it up), but I think that was probably a bad decision in retrospect.
The last few days have been hard because although she hasn't been monstering at me, she is a bit distant again. Not totally gone, but its obvious that she is still trying to decide whether we should be trying to work on things or go ahead and split. She told me that she wanted to work on things but that she thought that maybe we were just in a lull in our relationship, but that she didn't want to keep hurting me like this.
Now I am thinking that I was maybe starting to get a handle on dropping the rope (not completely but getting close with effort), but then got sucked back in with a conversation initiated by her that was different than what we have had up to now.
After thinking for a little bit that maybe we were on the upswing, its hard to go back to realizing that we weren't and that I let myself get sucked in to the distance/pursuit game despite knowing that's how it works. I wish I didn't love her so much, but at tis point I don't even know why I still do. She has told me that I am a good father, a good man, and a good husband and that it isn't anything about me...its her. She isn't even outright blaming me for anything. Just being true to her "feelings".
Now I'm back trying to get a handle on detaching and living with a W that says she wants things to work but just isn't feeling it. I DO NOT want to leave my home because of how she feels, but I'm just not sure how to keep living with her without getting caught up in her emotional turmoil. It seems like things could get better if we spent some time apart, but I won't leave my kids and she doesn't show signs of leaving either.
It is so difficult to live with someone in MLC. Does anyone actually reconcile when the S doesn't move out? I've read so many reconciliation stories, but they are all from a spouse that has moved out and wants to return home. I can't recall reading any stories of reconciliation from people who don't leave.
It is so difficult to detach because they are always there to remind you of the situation, either through words or behavior. And then on the days it isn't as bad, I can't help but just wait for the other shoe to drop. I feel like I am living on the edge all the time. I know I just need to detach and GAL, but sometimes I make headway with that and others it seems like an insurmountable task. Then there is a touch and go that makes it even harder, regardless of it I recognize what it is. Knowing what I need to do but not being able to do it make me feel like a failure (I know I'm not but I have to push myself down from that feeling). I wish I didn't feel so stuck all the time.
Hey buddy, I feel you. My heads still spinning from the past four months of back and forth threats then remorse from my wife. I called her bluff a few days ago, told her I wanted to essentially time share the house and kids but otherwise live as roommates at most if she refused to move out. Now she's finally come clean with more of the emotional affair and, I think (hope) wants to work on things. I'll let you know if we're really able to reconcile without moving out.
Like you, I feel stuck and trapped so often. It's so hard to detach emotionally while still trying to keep the door ajar for the wayward spouse.
Good luck to you sir.
Me: 43 She: 43 Married 14 Together 20 D7 S6 Separation bomb Dec 2017 Reconciled 3 weeks later Jan 2018 Second separation bomb April 2018
Jase, thank you. I do not wish anyone this misery, but since you are already in it, its nice to have a sympathetic ear. I know Gordie is in the same boat. I really hope you guys make it through this thing with the outcome that makes you the happiest, whatever that might be.
Jase, I don’t think I’ve read your thread. Think I’ll head over to your neck of the woods to catch up a little.
I really am not very good at this standing thing. I'll go for a week or 2 of just cordial interaction and things seem to be ok, and then I wake up one day (like today) feeling somewhat like before BD and am sweet to her again. Maybe initiate intimate contact (not just sex, anything really). Then I get to be reminded that she isn't interested. Seems like I should have learned my lesson by now. Not even sure why I still want to try. Who likes being treated this way? If I were dating someone and they treated me that way I would drop them without looking back. Why do I still want to be with HER when treated like this?
The tricky part is that her behavior compared to others is so mild. She isn't super mom like she used to be, but she is still taking care of that responsibility. She doesn't take care of the house like she used to, but she does still help out. She isn't going out drinking with friends like she was at first, she isn't in an A, she isn't spending crazy amounts of money, etc. All that leads me to a false sense of hope that things are getting better. She does still focus a lot on her looks, plays on her phone for hours, although somewhat present with the kids...still a bit distant, and is not interested in a relationship with me without a reasonable excuse. She just has to be "true" to herself. She seems to have the MLC mindset while reigning in the crazier behavior. So, its hard for me because many things have returned to something a little more normal, but still nothing for me. If we had a bad relationship or something substantial that I had done to her I think I could understand it more...
Something has to give...I can't do this forever. At this point I am kind of hoping that she will move out so that I can recover myself a little. I'm just not sure I can do it while she is here. I know her moving out make me feel better initially, but I think with time I could detach better and move on. Maybe not...I'm just tired of feeling rejected, neglected, and confused.
I don't know if this will help or not, but it is a trick I used that worked for me. Can you try to imagine that she had a bad car accident and has had brain damage. It is temporary but for now her personality and memory are altered. She may look and even act the same sometimes but she isn't. Only trick is there is no external visible sign of the damage.
If you can't then you definitely will need space to get your footing.
What a great idea, Marvin! Gonna try that when I have the clarity to remember it. My friend just told me to think of my H as a talking doll who has a few set responses that it blurts out when pushed a certain way but that don't mean anything and that certainly wouldn't warrant a coherent response. Thought that was a good one! She even said, in response to my worry about H being at D9's birthday party, that of course a little girl wants her talking doll in the corner but I still didn't have to worry about actually interacting with the doll in a real way.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Having been in this journey for over five years, I see your impatience as something that is enslaving you. She is your wife, who you intended to marry until death parted you; so why can't you just let her go for a year? If she was in the military and left for a year and you couldn't even get letters from her or express your feelings in letters, would you divorce her? I know that the GAL thing is hard to do but under any circumstance, it's your only choice and it will help you stop noticing everything she does and says. But having lived through this for a long time, my advice is to stop trying to do anything. Accept that she is gone. If you have to, write one note explaining that you'll be here if she ever decides to come back and you respect her choice. And then detach. I detached all these years only half way,I think, and now I have to start all over again. Just let her go. find out what it means to be alone and even to be celibate for a season. There are other things that make you who you are, let those bear fruit. I assure you that it's going to change you for the better to choose solitude not as a victim but with conviction. I am getting tired too, but living through something much worse. But even if your sitch gets worse, all the more reason to practice this. The constantly being on her phone also gives me pause; in my experience in my M and with other M's I know of, that doesn't bode so well. Say, I am going to give myself six months to just be alone and discover who I am, and take more time alone and create a safe spot in your house that you can be when you need to not deal with the hurt, some kind of man cave that you really enjoy. Maybe when the six months are up, you can add another six months. Anyway, sending you a ton of strength and love and encouragement to be very patient.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
