Anyway, my angel best friend said I should just go as normal, not say anything, see how H acts, if he's on his phone a lot while waiting, etc. I think I agree, I won't say anything, yet.
I agree, it can wait. I wouldn't concern yourself too much about whether he's on his phone or how he acts, you know he's having an A so that's kind of water under the bridge at this point.
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But it does help me with setting a boundary I've been struggling with... sex. When H came up Tuesday he said he will be back up Sunday evening (I had invited him to family dinner Saturday, St. Patrick's Day corned beef and cabbage, his favorite, but he said he wouldn't be able until Sunday). So I will tell him, nicely, that it's not necessary for him to spend the night.
Yeah I think that's a good approach, if he keeps pushing you then you can let him know that you know about OW and the sex (with you) needs to stop because you don't want an STD. And let that be the end of it, don't let him try to negotiate it with you by saying she's only a friend, or he'll get tested or wear protection or whatever. Just shut it down.
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How do I go about setting that boundary with him, without him completely turning away permanently?
If he turns away after you cut him off, then what does that say about your relationship with him and his attitude about you? I mean to me it says he's just using you, and ending that would be best for you anyway.
Take it from me, no need to acknowledge the affair let alone contact them. I did this exact thing and it made my XW dig in deeper and go underground on her affairs! She became even more resentful towards me and my kids once I confronted her.
Originally Posted By: KitCat
M's survive A's all the time - look at this board. Many make it to recon but many LBS's decide they no longer want the M.
I think all LBS start out trying to save their M's, I was one of them but as I discovered the many layers of betrayal from my XW along with a ton of work with my IC and support groups I no longer wanted to reconcile with her. It took me almost a year to realize this, my XW currently is person I have zero interest in, physically, emotionally, zero! Of course I do miss the financial part!
Hope everything goes well with your procedure. Stay strong!
meg so sorry. I knew it wasn't a good thing you finding OW's birth date in his planner. People just don't do things like that for members of the opposite sex without there being a reason. I am very sad that our spouses make these choices with the far reaching effects it has.
I've been hurt multiples times by family and friends that have made the choice to step outside of their marriages with catastrophic effects. People do not realize how many people are hurt and affected by their actions. We still grieve the loss of our nieces XH, whom we all adored, and it has made fully accepting her new baby-daddy BF fiance very difficult. Its been a year and half and many of us will suddenly say how much we miss her XH.
But people that do this are beyond selfish. And though we love them immensely and can't see how very flawed and (yes I will use this word) evil they are. We want to hold onto the "but they never would have done this!" image we have, which causes us to blame ourselves more harshly than we should. Yes it takes 2 to let a MR deteriorate. But it that is no excuse for one to step outside of the MR.
Okay, enough of my preaching. Most of it is driven by hurt and pain, and Meg your last post really made me hurt for you. I think ADs may be in my future..............
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yesterday with surgery went smooth. H showed up earlier than necessary to pick up me up. Kids hadn't left for school yet. Interesting observation about the kids though. I've known where my boys stand for weeks. They are angry at H, and after individual heart-to-hearts I had with each of the kids after last Sunday's blow-up, I learned that they are kind of glad H is not in at home anymore (due to their past interactions with him).
Anyway, even after last week's talk with D13, I still didn't know how she felt about everything, other than sad. But yesterday morning as she left for school, it gave me some insight. As she was walking out the door to the bus stop, she said, as she has every morning (and night as well) for YEARS, "love you mom". H was sitting right next to me, he asked her if she's walking to bust stop (5 minute walk), did she want a ride, she said no thanks, she'll walk. She left. As the door closed, H said "love you too". Of course she didn't hear him. D13 has had Daddy wrapped around her finger since birth, but she's never had the typical father-daughter relationship that usually goes along with that. She has always confided in me about everything, whenever she needed or wanted anything she would come to me, never Dad.
When s17 left an hour later for bus stop (Friday's are late start day at the high school), he pretty much did the same thing, said "love you mom", but nothing to H sitting next to me at the kitchen table.
Arrived at Kaiser for surgery on time, checked in, sat in waiting room for quite a bit for my time to be called back. H amazingly didn't get on his phone but twice, for just a minute each time. He comforted me, rubbed my back (I was very nervous, as I've never had any surgery, or any medical procedure other than an epidural during labor). After I got called back, he helped answer medical history questions. I had removed all my jewelry at home, but not my wedding rings, so he held on to them (I wasn't sure he'd be willing to put in his pocket, but in recovery that was the first thing he did was give them back to me). He did give me a kiss as they wheeled me back.
Minor heart complication as I was walking up, nurses and anesthesiologist were all concerned. Consulted with cardio, who said to call my regular doctor Monday ad have him order full work-up. Finally convinced the nurses to bring H back from waiting room as he would be worried what was taking so long. He was concerned about the heart thing and that I was hooked up to EKG. Discharged.
H drove me home, gave instructions to all the kids. Told me not to take s21 to bowling league today, and not lift a finger all weekend. I said thank you for being with me all day. He said if he hadn't been off work all work he would have called in sick to be with me.
Originally Posted By: dusty70
Take it from me, no need to acknowledge the affair let alone contact them. I did this exact thing and it made my XW dig in deeper and go underground on her affairs! She became even more resentful towards me and my kids once I confronted her.
He said he would be up either Sunday evening, Monday or Tuesday. Guess he's got "busy" weekend with OW. But I didn't mention it. I'm sure OW's fiancé has told her that I know. But I am with dusty70, no need to acknowledge the affair. It won't do anything for me, at least right now.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
I have a question, I don't think I've come across anyone asking anything similar on the board.
This morning my father-in-law asked me if H was mad at him. He said H has been pretty much ignoring him (I think he means not calling, texting, etc.). Now, FIL and I have had a few talks on the whole sitch (I don't give him details, haven't told him about OW). I told FIL that H is ignoring everyone, and that he's pretty much pushed everyone (not just us in the home) away, and has a whole new group of people to hang out with/lean on.
My question... Is typical normal behavior for WH/MLC to get a whole new set of friends/support system, and have almost nothing to do with family/friends?
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
My question... Is typical normal behavior for WH/MLC to get a whole new set of friends/support system, and have almost nothing to do with family/friends?
yes... it is typical... common... when i became a WW, at one point, i deleted all my church friends from my Facebook... i stopped being involved with my homeschooling-mom friends... i didn't really align myself with a new group of friends because my relationship with OM was not like that, but i did drop people who i knew would disapprove of what i was doing...
My question... Is typical normal behavior for WH/MLC to get a whole new set of friends/support system, and have almost nothing to do with family/friends?
Yes as Artista said it's very common. They don't ALL do it but a lot of them do. Someone here used to say years ago that WAS's disconnect in this order- spouse, family, friends. Then they reconnect in the opposite order.
My x is in Alaska and has not seen our children in 18 months. He does not call them, and he & I have not spoken since we separated, although the day he left, we were intimate and I had no idea what was going on.
His bff is not close to him anymore, several of our mutual friends are horrified and he's just not in contact with them. I assume he spends holidays with OW and her family,
With his new FB world of posting about his HAPPY LIFE (and calling the OW the "love of his life" too) you'd think we had never been married or created a family of 5.
Of note - It would alarm ME as a woman, if I were dating a man who did not speak to his adult children. In fact, I am dating someone and that's something I watch for, how he does with his son...it'd be a huge red flag to ME,
but obviously I and the OW and xh do not share the same values.
The part that gets crazy making in all this is when we project our values onto our former spouses, when the fact is they do not now have those values. That's HOW they can do what they are doing.
WE would be mortified, embarrassed, shamed, etc.
But not them. So try not to wrap your brain about all that and try hard to get out of his head.
I asked "Why is my h making these horrible choices???" and "How can he do this???" over 1000 times here on these boards. ( I think that's literally true.)
It Got me nowhere, but a lot of running in place. I stayed stuck asking instead of moving.
So, I pass this on to you.
1) Focus on what you can control which is yourself.
2) Learn all you can about the finances. IF this ends in divorce, the settlement is the most important financial transaction of your life, and you and your kids deserve the best.
3) GAL for real. Join something, learn something, go somewhere and enjoy planning the trip, teach or volunteer or coach or study or learn an instrument, take a class, start a group,
b/c that's how you can crowd out the constant obsessing and sad or angry feelings, with new positives in your life. That's what you can control.
For me, I also found that turning my pain and marriage over to God helped. I had to think it, say it out loud and hear myself say it, for it to sink in.
There is a prayer that Caroline Myss suggests we do, and it was very helpful to me. "Let me let go of the need to know why. I will never know why. And endless questioning is endless suffering."
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
3) GAL for real. Join something, learn something, go somewhere and enjoy planning the trip, teach or volunteer or coach or study or learn an instrument, take a class, start a group,
b/c that's how you can crowd out the constant obsessing and sad or angry feelings, with new positives in your life. That's what you can control.
this right here, what 25yearsmlc said...
meg24, you have been reluctant to GAL because you were concerned that your H saw it as you moving on, not caring... and he even conveyed that to you... and look, he was gaslighting you all along... he is out GALing with OW and his motorcycle, and you go to dinner with sister-in-law, and he gripes about "always" being on his own for dinner... sheesh...
please take GAL more seriously... more than hanging out with your kids... more than a potential trip to your friend's... GAL helps you tap into new interests... grow forgotten interests... connects you with new people... perhaps reconnects you with long lost people... it takes your mind to new and wonderful places... it grows you, Meg... expand your life...
I totally hear you 25. I am really working on not trying to figure out what is in H's head. He seems to be an almost completely different man than the one I married. Almost. He is still very self-indulgent, he has always been that way. I just looked past it most of the time.
Thankfully I have been handling all the finances for years. I pay all the bills. The only difference now is that he puts his paycheck in his own bank account (his company doesn't use direct deposit, so he just started picking it up at the office rather than have it mailed home). He does give me money weekly, but I am working on a contingency plan in case he decides he doesn't want to anymore.
I'm not sure what stage I'm in at this point. I'm going to ride this whole thing out, but if H does decide to come back, right now I don't know if I want him home. I did things for him during our marriage that I normally wouldn't (nothing illegal). Things I had no desire to do, but did them because I wanted him to be satisfied. He has mentioned since BD that he knows I didn't want to, but he still wants to do them. That just might be a deal breaker for me. I won't compromise myself any longer. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there I guess.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
