Dear Ginger, the following thoughts are strictly my own - no judgments to anyone who disagrees, or does something differently.
It's funny you posted this today as just this morning something came up on my FB memories about what it's like to be in a relationship with a very empathic person (me being the empathic one) ... one of the points raised is that we empaths don't generally have sex without some kind of deeper commitment. Let me tell ya, I WISH I could be casual about that side of things, but I never have and I don't want to force myself to do something that isn't in my nature just for the sake of moving on, as one of my closest and dearest friends has suggested to me many, many times.
So my point is, this whole topic has kind of been on my mind a bit lately. I think some people are just so used to being in partnership that they run out and find the next one toute de suite. I think some other people need the ego boost after being left. I think there's a whole other section of humans who just want to scratch that itch. Peeps gotta do what they gotta do. For me, nope, couldn't do that.
A friend of mine who broke up with his long term partner 8 months ago was a self proclaimed male slut for the first couple of months (yes, that's how he refers to that period immediately after breaking up), and says he had to do that, go through that phase and get it out of his system but now says he's wearing a chastity belt and anyone trying to get below his belt will be told "hands off!"
The stats as I understand them follow: 50% of first marriages end in divorce 65% of second marriages end in divorce 75% of third marriages end in divorce
We do not get better at this, seemingly.
Now, most of those second/third marriages take place within 5 years of the initial marriage ending. Theories abound but a prevailing one is that those who rush into #2 or #3 do so before taking stock of what just happened to them and repeat patterns of behavior which failed once, and apparently continue to do so. So is it bad? Bad is such a pejorative - I would say maybe it's short sighted or perhaps a good distraction from doing some work that might be more beneficial towards long-term serenity and success if done on one's own.
My most recent observation is that we seem to attract into our lives an outward reflection of our inner selves at that moment in time. If we are needy, we tend to attract someone who is also needy. We see the MLCrs "downgrading" in case after case. Make sense? So from my perspective, I personally want to be the best human I can be so I attract someone who is working on themselves in that same way.
I have to say I have not entered the dating scene, even though we're approaching the three year BD mark and we're coming up on 15 months post D. I finally feel like I'm ready to date. Every couple months this one guy will ask me out for dinner or drinks and I keep turning him down because there is zero attraction. I mean, nothing, zip, nada, recoil in horror at the thought of swapping spit. There's another guy who seems interested, flirts with me and compliments me when I see him or in texts, but again, there is zero attraction on my end - he's about 15 years younger, in great shape, but ... meh.
And then there's the one who I really do want to start dating, and there are definitely sparks on both sides, but we are dancing around each other, and right now we're both dealing with some heavy parental responsibilities. That will all free up within the next six months or so, and we'll see where we're at then. I just want those caveats out there so you can factor that in when reading my response here.
So, long winded post. Sorry. Hope this helps in some way. xoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Great observations, G. I dated someone for a year. Met ex bf 2 months after that guy and dated for almost 7 years (living with 5 1/2) and started dating ex Mr. GB 6 weeks after breaking up with him. Not much of a break in between relationships, huh?
I decided post divorce that I would do things differently. Why? Because something had to be different. I could do all of the work in the world but maybe the universe was trying to say, “GB, lets be alone for a bit.” I started dating 9 months post BD and divorce was final. This is my opinion and my opinion only. I cannot imagine meeting someone now where I would be “giddy” or “blown away” by my feeelings. It’s great when folks experience that. I don’t think that’s in the cards for my generally pragmatic self. But I agree, most folks in consistent Rs have a tendency to stay in those. I certainly have.
Am I over ex Mr. GB? Yep. However, I’m not sure I will fully get over the end of what I thought was a lifelong commitment. Do I gravel and weep incessantly? Nah. I do cry every few months because I thought (incorrectly I might add) that things lasted forever because we “committed” to that. And perhaps what I grapple with is that I view that differently. We all have options and can exercise them at any time. That in itself isn’t bad at all. Quite the opposite. But, I see marriage and relationships a bit differently at this point.
Happy Fri-yay!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thinking of you today and keeping you in my prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Awwww, thanks everyone for thinking about me and praying for me.
And of course I just found out it is being pushed to Monday due to a scheduling conflict. I even asked my boss if I could take a half day today. I still am as I have a lot to do and I am leaving for my girls getaway to AC at 8am tomorrow morning. An afternoon to get stuff done will do me good, but I really just want to do this already! But I imagine that this is happening for a reason. Reason being I look like crap and I can't stop yawning, so maybe Monday is better.
I had a very nice weekend with my girls in AC. We got day drunk at the beer fest, got dinner, took a long nap, woke up and never left the room. We are officially old, lol. But our girl time just what I needed. I wen tout with Mr. SOftee Friday night, and I am going to end it. I don't want to get into the details, but nope, it's got to end.
I have been feeling a little down about myself. SO I got chopped off my really long hair and I love it. Not too short, but it looks good on me. Then...... as you all know, I am in love with my surgeon. My coworker saw him out at a bar at their coworkers birthday Friday night and they were talking about me. He said " A beautiful woman like that should not be walking around with a contracture in her knee. I was too easy on her, I should have pushed her harder, I'm not going to let it happen this time". And yes, I am so giddy over this perfect man saying I am beautiful. Seriously, dating this guy has actually lowered my self esteem. It's not healthy for me. SO hearing my surgeon call me beautiful actually made me feel good. Pathetic, I know.
Now, for the most important thing.... I had my interview. It went better than I could have hoped for. They are so happy and love their jobs and seemed to love me. The job sounds like a perfect fit for my skill set and my interpersonal skills. I got to meet everyone...... What a great bunch. We went by the office for the person who gets the position I applied for and they said "this would be your office...." They did speak as if they made their decision. I will know Friday or Monday. I am scared to get excited, but I know in my heart of hearts this would be the right fit. And the kicker? I thought it would be a lateral move. Turns out it is more money!!! I don't know how much more, but they said it is a higher pay grade.
I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed. Maybe this is what I have been needing.
We shall see. I guess I have things like surgery to keep me busy until I find out.....
I am keeping my fingers crossed that you get the job. It sounds very promising.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
awesome post ginger, it was just a few weeks ago that you were stuck in misery without seeing a way out, just goes to show how fast things can turn for you. Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with getting excited, the decision is out of your hands now and sounds like you did everything you could.. Personally, my thought is that if they took you to meet the staff and show you the office, I think they did make their decision
oh, and btw I totally get the "dating this guy lowered my self esteem" statement. After the night I had Friday, I have been on cloud nine, I actually feel like every girl I meet is looking at me differently, who knows if they actually are, but self esteem is riding high and I'm loving it.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I I wen tout with Mr. SOftee Friday night, and I am going to end it. I don't want to get into the details, but nope, it's got to end.
Hmmmmmmm, where have I heard this or read this before? Sorry, I simply coukd not resist. . I know it's hard but honestly is this the third or fourth time you said you were ending it?
Fourth or fifth time's the charm?
If I didn't think you coukd take it I wouldn't give you such SHlT. Hope ya still luv me. .
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Yeah, yeah, DOn, I know. It was hard to do it once, but to do it twice has proven to be more difficult. But it has to be done. And I knew you were going to say it!
SOOOOOOO..... I got an unofficial offer!!!!!! Unofficial because they aren't sure if it's lateral or a promotion, but the recruiter who figures that out isn't in the office today, but she will let me know tomorrow.
I am currently in a state of shock and excitement. A prayer has been answered. I am going to be a nurse again. I am going to kick @sss in my position and career. I am actually going ot make a difference again.
