So no steps forward, no steps back. But I did learn that H thinks I don't care anymore, he says I don't seem to care about him because I don't ask him at all how he's doing through any of this, I don't talk to him about anything. So he sees me detaching as "more of the same" and that I've moved on.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
But I did learn that H thinks I don't care anymore, he says I don't seem to care about him because I don't ask him at all how he's doing through any of this, I don't talk to him about anything. [/s] So he sees me detaching as "more of the same" and that I've moved on.
this is what you are not getting... let him think that... he is out the door... YOU NEED TO DETACH... HE NEEDS TO DEAL WITH YOUR DETACHMENT... YOU NEED TO LET HIM DEAL WITH YOUR DETACHMEHT... he is all over the place... he is playing with your emotions... he is blaming you for all of it... this is all on him... but you just keep tossing dirt on yourself, making yourself look pathetic... it is not a good look... i'm sorry, Meg... i know that's harsh... but my desire is to help you see that you need to value yourself more... especially more than he does... but you keep mirroring back to yourself the way he sees you... get a spine, Mollie! (i call my gal pals Mollie sometimes)... we keep telling you to let him go... he himself has told you that you cannot do anything to appease him... so stop trying...
Meg, please go back and read BluWave's initial post to you... it is a gem... you are blessed to have had her share her real-life experience, her wisdom with you... but you have not received it... go back and read it... and follow it...
i am sorry but when all hell broke lose the other day, i think you should have tossed H's a$$ out door... enough if enough... he has your entire household in turmoil... he is not being fair to you nor your sons... and you are not being fair to your sons...
You have already said that you wanted your marriage. You have already said that you are trying to give him space so that he can figure things out.
He's trying to make you responsible for his feelings - NOPE NO WAY.
He just moved out. After reading about your blow up maybe its best he not come around the house for a bit - OR only if you are going to be out. Your kids do not need adult drama at the dinner table. If he can't pull it together long enough for dinner then perhaps he doesn't need to be there?
If its best that he spend time at the house for special needs son then arrange for him to be there for dinner when you are going to be out.
I get that having a sit down family dinner can make everyone feel connected but he is loose cannon right now. He is taking his anger out on everyone. I feel you can draw your line in the sand with this and keep your dignity.
Your H feels trapped in his current situation and he doesn't respect you. This isn't a proper assessment but it is how he feels. You need to draw your boundary in how he behaves in the home around your kids and you. You CAN do this in a loving way.
Look - my male best friend said something to me about his feelings when going through something similar and HOLY COW my H said the exact same thing. When I started making the changes in how I interacted with my H MONTHS before I bought DR my H was pissed. He flat out told me he felt betrayed and that just made him more angry. His view point was this - if I could do all these things now then I was capable of doing then before which just meant I made a choice to ignore him. I don't know how many times my H just said he was just confused by what I was now doing.
Your H is angry. He sees the changes in you Meg. Its unsettling him. Its confusing him.
I get that your gut reaction is to assure him you are not ignoring him but all I can tell you is to keep on doing what you are doing. It's getting to him.
We had a calm evening when H came up to see kids last night. Had dinner, watched TV. Talked about completely neutral things. Of course the kids all scattered to their rooms, only coming out to eat.
There was sex involved before he left. I'm pretty sure that's the real reason why he wanted to come visit. He knows the kids all hang out in there rooms all the time anyway (what teenager doesn't?)
As much as I don't want to let the last bit of connection go (sex), I think that I need to stop allowing it. He is not seeing me as a person of value, just as a physical release. I don't know though if I'm willing to face the reality of H seeking that release elsewhere though.
How do I go about setting that boundary with him, without him completely turning away permanently? H can be very manipulative, very narcissistic, and he even admitted to me that he is a cake eater. So I'm not sure how to handle this boundary.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
Sometimes I do wonder, though, if I can ever be back with him. I don't ever see him accepting his part in the deterioration of the MR, or doing things differently going forward.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
I have read and re-read BluWave's post, as well as her thread about her piecing. The piecing thread really hit home. She talks about what I've been feeling... do I even want to be with H again, after who he's become and what he's done? But then, yes, he has been abducted by aliens right now.
Every since the blowup Sunday evening, I have done so much more deep reflection than I imagined possible. I dove deep into severe self doubt.... did I really shut H out of my emotions, stop giving everything I had given him previously, like he says I did? I still can't answer this one. But I can't change history. Not meeting his needs of affection and affirmation, which leads to him not meeting my needs of doing things for me. We each did for the other what we wanted done for ourselves. We both failed to speak the other's love language.
We both contributed to the downfall of our M. I don't blame him for my behavior, or lack thereof. My shutting him out emotionally, and pulling back on affection, etc., that is all me. Only I am responsible for my actions
Just as I am responsible for my actions now, only I am responsible for my feelings now.
I will not let H make me feel like everything I do is wrong, I will not let H make me feel like our sitch is all because of me.
Don't get me wrong, he does tell me that he had a hand in getting here too. But I often wonder if he just says that, and says that he's the a?&hole for doing this, so that I will "fall on the sword". He is a master manipulator, after all.
I don't like who H is right now. Can I ever be willing to be with that H again, even in a "new" MR? Only time will tell.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
I posted previously about suspecting OW, and about said OW's birthday in H's planner. I also posted about H saying he was going to date other people, and me taking Facebook off my phone for my mental health (it'll be 4 weeks this weekend since I've been on FB, yay me!).
I do still have FB messenger on my phone however, due to the fact that s17 broke yet ANOTHER phone, and now has to use s19's old phone (s19 has own cell plan, different carrier). Said phone is not unlocked, so s17 can't text or call, but can use apps and other data-driven stuff. So FM messenger is the only way for me to communicate with him.
Anyway, I received a request on messenger today from someone I don't know, but I could see the first line of the message so I accepted and read. It was said OW's FIANCE, notifying me that he just caught fiancé/OW with my H, they just left together on H on motorcycle (H is off work this week due to company in between projects). He said OW was stated she was leaving him for my H. He just wanted me to know. Said he thought it has been going on for about 3 months.
Which is about when BD happened.
I have a minor outpatient surgery scheduled tomorrow, been scheduled for quite a while. H is supposed to come up in the morning to take me and drive me home (I live about 35 minutes from the surgery location). He will stay with me at home until the kids are home from school to help me (father-in-law will be home, but he won't be able to attend to me as he has an MRI tomorrow at the VA hospital, his friend is taking him).
Anyway, my angel best friend said I should just go as normal, not say anything, see how H acts, if he's on his phone a lot while waiting, etc. I think I agree, I won't say anything, yet.
But it does help me with setting a boundary I've been struggling with... sex. When H came up Tuesday he said he will be back up Sunday evening (I had invited him to family dinner Saturday, St. Patrick's Day corned beef and cabbage, his favorite, but he said he wouldn't be able until Sunday). So I will tell him, nicely, that it's not necessary for him to spend the night. In fact, it confuses s21.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
I'm sorry, meg24... It's all script and gaslighting on his part... Now you know that H is not only manipulative, but H is a liar... Now you know what is really going on...
I did respond to OW fiance that I already suspected, but thank you for information.
I am ok. Tomorrow wi be hard, but I'll survive. After that, who knows. We'll see how often he asks to come "visit he kids" once I tell him no more sleepovers.
Amazingly, I'm not angry, I don't hate him. I kind of feel sorry for the mental state he's in.
But again, we'll see how I do tmrw.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
Meg take care of yourself. Well wishes for smooth procedure and speedy recovery. Your children are old enough to help out around the house and tend to your needs. I would try to rely on your H as little as possible.
You definitely need to set clear boundaries. Whether or not you reveal your knowledge of the A to H is a personal choice but I'm sure the OW fiance' at some point if he hasn't already told the OW that he has contacted you. Once that happens OW will share drama with your H. You need to know that "drama" on either end will pull them closer together. The less drama you create will not add more fuel to their fire but be the bucket of water that snuffs it out.
M's survive A's all the time - look at this board. Many make it to recon but many LBS's decide they no longer want the M. Remember there is no deadline... this is your time table. You've taken a lot of steps to look inward already and are finding you are stronger than you thought. Whether this M survives is no longer up to H but completely up to you. You hold the power.
