Gordie #17: deliberately not divorced

[Mach1]

Mach1,

So yes. I think I am supposed to be learning and growing from all of this. As many of the vets here have told me, you will save yourself even if you don’t save your M. Looking back, I had some real deficiencies as a H and a father. I think I spent the first year or more beating myself up for what I did and blaming myself for everything. Yes, I made immediate 180s in external behavior but it’s taken much longer for the internship shifts to happen.

I have only recently started to delve into forgiving myself. The truth is I didn’t even know what that meant. And of course, if I can’t forgive myself, then I’m probably just not very good at giving or receiving forgiveness with anyone.

Another related truth is that I have am judgmental. I judge myself harshly. I judge others harshly. It’s not a good way to live. There’s a reason why there’s a commandment that we shouldn’t judge.

So yes, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how to be more forgiving as a way of life. How to be less judgmental. We really have no idea what others are going through in their journeys, the demons they face and the obstacles they have to overcome.

The hardest thing a person can ever do..

Is to accept an apology from someone who hasn't apologized...

And forgive a person that hasn't asked to be forgiven...

It's not about her Gord....it's about you....

[devvo]

To accept an unspoken apology and extend unsolicited forgiveness is devilishly hard, but the benefits of doing both are obvious. No more drinking poison and hoping the other one dies. No more internal raging. Additionally, these actions allow us to choose to truly love the wayward one again or to head down the road to indifference. To my mind, either destination is fine with one proviso:

To want to share the rest of your life with somebody who never gains the strength to apologise nor the empathy to ask for forgiveness would be asking for a life of endless torment. You'd always be the one expected to be the strong one. It would be relentless. I very much doubt any of us deserve that kind of life.

[Gordie]

SBJ and Andrew,

Buckets of cold water are always welcome but this time around I think I’m pretty balanced in my perspective and not getting too excited about the positive signs which is why I balanced them with the negative ones.

Mach1 and Devvo,

I hear what you are saying. It only takes 1 to forgive. It takes 2 to reconcile. You can forgive a dead person or someone you will never see again. I have more work to do. I’m still hurt. I’m still angry. I still feel betrayed. Less so than before? Yes. Better with time? Yes. So what does it mean to forgive the one who doesn’t ask for forgiveness? Unilateral, unconditional love, right? Forgive them, they know not what they do? Yes, more work to do. And Devvo, can I be in a forever R with one who never asks for forgiveness or shows remorse? I don’t know.

[devvo]

Forgive them, they know not what they do?

Would you really want a long term relationship with somebody that clueless?

If you were happily single, and met your W in her current state would that level of unthinking cruelty be attractive?

[peacetoday]

Gordie

You are doing really well and given your situation and the recent turn of events with W, it makes sense to ride it out a bit longer
to see where everything lands
Its never wasted time u know-we grow- we learn more and maybe we forgive a little -then more and more
Its most likely harder to forgive while living in the middle of MLC..but you are getting there

It takes so much patience and strength to do all you are doing
and no matter the outcome..you will look back with dignity and no regrets

On the other hand the MLCer can never look back with no regret
but with gratitude if they were so lucky to have a spouse who cared enough to do all you are doing to save your family-

Hang in

[Neutral]

Gordie, i think it's interesting how many parallels there are between many of our situations here...

I am in a similar position with my W right now as she even told me today that she was sorry for what i had to endure and that she doesn't know how i could take it all for so long.

As for the comment above, i believe that we are waiting for our Wives to get "better", so that they show true progress toward becoming "whole" again. THAT is the situation that we are anticipating. I have even told my W that i am hopeful and that i believe in her to get her life back together, in which case there is a chance for us! If that will NOT happen though in any form, then no, i obviously do not see a future for us in that case!

[bttrfly]

I don't think you need to have the answers today, Gordie. It sounds to me like your focus is on yourself and your kids and that's perfect, imho.

xoxoxoxo

[Gordie]

New thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2781855&#Post2781855