Spring Cleaning

[Ginger1]

I want to add to the discussion of cC-nut's view and kind words and good points, but first, I need your help.

I am ready to officially end this. We have nothing in common, we are so opposite and I don't want to prolong it anymore. I am a deep connection kind of person and anything of what we have is so surface.

So, I do not know the best route this day in dating age. I a not going to ghost or let it die off. I want to tell him. We never once spoke on the phone, we only use text. I feel like it almost sort of cruel to wait until my free night Thursday, to invite him out and dump him. I think for us the text route is the best. I was, very upset that's the way FF did it, but what we had was much different. We were on the phone with each other multiple times a day and saw each other often, and our R was on a much different level.

I realize I really need to "man" up where and do this. Not string him along until something better comes along. I hate when that is done to me, and I don't want to do that to someone else.

So, my question here is, is it ok, this day in age, given our circumstances, to do this by text?

[Ginger1]

Now on to what C-nut said. I know we are all divorced right now which doesn't make all our relationships "not decent". But none of mine really ever had the proper elements My ex was horrible to me, and I stuck with it knowing it, knowing he would do something along the lines of what he did, because I was in the most awful place in my life. Too scared to let go. I managed to talk myself into there being love and respect. Sure, we did have decent times, and my ex had a few moments where I did see some real love and that was what kept me going. But our relationship leaves me with shame. Shame for how he treated me and how I ignored it. So there went my 20's. It'll be 10 years since bomb drop in 4 days and what can I say for myself R wise? barely a total of a year combined, a few unhealthy relationships, but they served their purpose at the time, and 2 I loved but they went and left in no time and one of them, well it was a with a MLC'er. I don't "chose" these men, so to say, but I don't meet guys very often. It's really hard for me. I only get out when my ex has her, which is a 1/4 of the time. I have had my child in tow for 10 years whatever I do, wherever I go.

I come here and see in real life, these people who just got divorced and all of sudden they have some guy in their life (or woman) who doesn't loves them and loves their kids, or is patient enough to date slowly. Where ARE these people?!

I love my custody arrangement. I actually told my ex not to even think about asking for 50/50. He never did because he didn't want it. But dating I guess is much easier when you do, or if you have family that help, or when your children aren't so young.

I just wish I met one of these amazing people I read about on here that are found not long after the D. I gave my 20's to my ex and got divorced before I ever left them, and my 30's of course, I gave to my daughter, but that's how I wanted it, but I imagined I would have found that guy who I get my second chance with. But no. For some off reason, it's not in the cards for me.

I went out with a close friend and another friend I hadn't seen a in a long time that I used to work with. She is an amazing woman, but crappy luck like me. Beautiful and smart. We all met working in the ICU together 12 years ago. She got pregnant at 19, had a baby. Dad minimally involved in the life. Parents technically adopted the child for monetary reasons. She is 21 one. Friend is 40. SHe had a long unhealthy affair with a doctor we worked with, didn't work. he was such a player. She met a guy, they moved in together, he did cheat once, she got back with him, she got pregnant again. her daughter is 4 and last year, she caught him cheating and he got rid of him.

We also worked with someone else, actually, her and I started on the same day. This drop dead gorgeous Indian nurse who is 4 years younger than me. Personality to match. She was 22 when we began working. I was married, trying to have a baby at 26. All the men LOVED her. There was everything to love. She and another nurse had a thing going on for a short while. She was a virgin. Then she had another byfriend for a while, that ended. So, she was living the fun single life, with the other young single nurses. I remember one doctor, who I had a crush on when I started working, told me at the Christmas party (we were friendly) "she is smokin' and she is the only person I would ever consider cheating on my wife with". Point of the story is, I always kind of envied her. She moved out to san diego on a whim and loves it there. She began dating this EXTREMELY gorgeous hospitalist back from NJ who also has the personality to match. He flies her back to NJ every chance he gets, takes her to the most amazing exlusive places in NYC... right now, he has rented them this oceanfront villa in Jamaica. I saw the pics on Instagram. OMG!!!!!!! ANd he isn't even pretentious, he just earns a good living and lives it up with his girl.

I am envious. And makes me think "what if" sometimes. But I know if my lfie didn't go as it did, I wouldn't have my baby, and I wouldn't change that for the world. I am also not drop dead gorgeous. All my rambling here is basically me going through some sort of mini MLC, I guess. I feel like I screwed my life by marrying the first douche who ever paid attention to me. Aside from having my daughter, I really did.

That's why I figure I guess, I have been meant to be a single mom. And SINGLE. And I hold out hope, my golden years will be when my daughter is on her own, chasing her dreams. That might just be what my purpose and plan is.

If you stuck around this long. Congratualtions! And please check out my previous post with question.

[job]

Ginger,

Since his method of communication is texting, then I would text him. Just be honest and state that you have given the situation a lot of thought and you realize that the two of you have very little in common and you wish him all the best. You don't need to go into an elaborate excuse. Keep it short and simple. Don't wait until Thursday to do this. It's better to end it quickly.

[Coconut]

Ginger,

Since his method of communication is texting, then I would text him. Just be honest and state that you have given the situation a lot of thought and you realize that the two of you have very little in common and you wish him all the best. You don't need to go into an elaborate excuse. Keep it short and simple. Don't wait until Thursday to do this. It's better to end it quickly.

^^^ I agree with Job. I'll just add one more thing, don't allow him to guilt trip you. If he responds, either don't respond or give another short to the point response and then block him. You are not responsible for helping him deal with it.

[Vanilla]

I also agree with Job and Coconut.

This won't come as a surprise to him I think.

And I just want to say Ginger1, from my knowledge of you accumulated over 3 years, you are a gorgeous and wonderful woman and mom. All you need is one amazing guy who will truly want you and cherish you. Just look around this board at the amazing men on it who are saying where are the lovely ladies like Ginger1, the ladies who want to date?

It's possible that your life circumstances aren't taking you into interaction with such great guys, fantastic men and wonderful dads.

The board like real life has such terrific choices.

They are there and I have such great confidence you will find yourself showered with dates when you hit the right environment.

Would you consider a dating coach?

V

[Ginger1]

Thank you. I know it has to be done, and it has to be done simply. I actually did not hear from him all day yesterday. I was out and about with D10 and friends (I dropped so much money this weekend on entertainment for the little one, she is not a cheap date, but we had been stuck in so much, I wanted to get out, so I didn't think much of it, and it was kind of nice,

I came to a bit of ephiphany about a quality I find very attractive in men. PASSION. When they are passionate about something in their lives. One guy was very passionate about raising his daughter. We could share in that passion. Another guy was passionate about his business. FF was very passionate about his career. We used to watch youtube videos which were firecalls he was on and we he would explain everything in detail, and he would light up. Kind of how I get when I talk about medicine. Which we also shared, because he is an EMT.

This guy doesn't have any passion. The only time I ever saw him light up about anything was his online phone game. Not about life goals, careers, kids, or even the future.

He texted me this morning when I was in a meeting, but I haven't responded yet. I don't know that I want to do it at work, and I have IC after work. Maybe I will wait until tonight. I am also feeling like cr@p. I have my yearly cold.

I do believe Vanilla, that my life circumstances has not taken me in an environment with great guys. I was not even 30, and divorced with a baby and men around that age aren't looking for that kind of responsibility/drama. now I am at another weird place. I figure I need to just keep going and live my life and see where it takes me and who it leads me too......

[JujuB]

Totally in agreement about passion Ginger. My ex was so disengaged he had no real passion. It is something I value in people as well.

Regarding this new guy, I would not worry so much. You are allowed to say, "nope your not the one. I don't want to continue this" for whatever reason you want. I know you are a very empathetic person though and you do not want to hurt feelings. But now is a time to work on putting yourself first. Good luck tonight. I think you might even feel empowered. We stayed in relationships that were not good for us. This is great that you are recognizing this so early.

I was thinking about your frustration regarding the dating scene. How some people have it easy, others do not. And there really is no explanation. I came back to what you were saying after I was thinking about how easy my SIL has it. 2 Beautiful kids that thankfully do not have any issues. Big house. Lots of help. Does not have to work. A loyal husband, etc etc

So this is what i have been thinking about to counter those feelings of comparison.

1. Tides can turn any time. (Not that I want anyone I love to suffer. I am very happy for my brother and adore his family) But there are never guarantees in life. What is here today might not be tomorrow. And it comes at the drop of a hat. And what you do not have right now can also come at anytime if you are open to it. No use focusing on others.

2. The hardships we have, only make us more appreciative and more empathetic. God! I cant believe the things I used to agonize over. I am a better person for not having a completely easy life....

Best example I can give. My son is ADHD and has sensory/dyspraxia issues. (We thought it was a spectrum disorder but not so much anymore) I take him to a special clinic to help. The moms at this clinic all have kids with some pretty serious issues. Much worse then my sons. These are the absolute BEST, MOST DOWN TO EARTH , ACCEPTING OF ALL TYPES OF CRAZINESS MOMS! Totally different from the typical soccer moms that I deal with in my sons school. The moms in my son's school make such a big deal over every friggen thing. Get up in arms over minor things, like the toy that was given to their child at the holiday party broke and they need another one and its not fair that they didnt have extras type of stuff.

These moms do not know real issues or real hardships. I might have been like that too if I had an everything handed to me in life.


Anyway, In my heart of hearts, I really feel like a partnership will happen for you. You are so open to it. And you will know how to appreciate a great guy. I think now is a good time, to just get to meet guys till you find the person worthy of you.

[Ginger1]

Oy Vey,

There are certain things about that I can preach, but I can't practice. Thank you Juju, your words really hit me, that I have to think of me in this situation for once. My empathy is a curse sometimes. I can't do anything without putting myself in someone's shoes. Then I overthink the whole situation. I realize if I don't do what's hard for me, that might be more upsetting to the person. It's a confusing jumble. When you have been hurt and disappointed many times in your life, I think you take two paths. Either say "F you all!" or you are terrified to make someone feel hurt and pain.

So, he texted me something and it lead to the "discussion". and I failed. I began simple and said I don't think we have enough in common to sustain something long term. He said he thought we enjoyed the same things. I said yes, we enjoy a few of the same things, but our goals are different in life. He told me he really wanted to discuss this because he really likes me and maybe he needs to open up more.

I did tell him the truth. I know I should have just ended it and not discussed it anymore, but I did. I told him the fact he does not take his health seriously really bothers me. I told him I am not perfect, I enjoy the good things in life, but I want to be alive and well for me, and I wanted the sky the to be the limit when I become an empty nester. He said he totally understands how and why I feel that way. I also said I understand how difficult it is to lose a job, but anytime I try to discuss or motivate him on what his talents are or passions are, he shuts me down. I said he doesn't seem to care about anything.

He told me he was afraid to open up early or have any deep discussions and he feels like it's something we should talk about. he would prefer in person, but he doesn't want to wait until thursday, so we are going to have a phone convo tonight.

I know. Fail big time. I was hoping he would just let it be, but you were right, he did try to persuade me otherwise.

[Coconut]

If you don't want to be with him, I would suggest texting him back, saying you've thought about it and there is no need for further discussion, wish him the best, and block him.

If you are somehow hoping that he commits to taking care of himself medically, commits to finding a job and finding motivation in life in general. Then text him back "I've thought about it and I've told you why this isn't working for me, if those things change in the future, and you are in a stable place, you may contact me then".

Either way, unless you want to fix him, and you don't need to try and do that to feel needed, there is nothing to be gained by talking today, this week, or this month.

If what you want is to fix him (I truly hope that is not what you are want)then you should talk to him later today.

Just my opinion, but I hate to see someone do something they don't want to do out of guilt.

[Dawn70]

I totally agree with Coconut. If you truly aren't interested, there is no need to discuss further. You said your peace and that is it. But having said that, since you and I are SO similar, I know that is EXTREMELY difficult for you to do. You want to hear him out and empathize with him. Not necessarily get svcked back in, so to speak, but just hear what he has to say. Hang tough if you are serious about being finished. As you well know, you aren't being fair to him or yourself if you go through with the conversation, knowing it is still going to end the same way. That is just my opinion and you have to do what is right for you. Either way, good luck!