Update: WAW increased time I am at house from 7 to 10-14 days per month, so I am glad I was persistent. Does want to move to a custody schedule representative of a divorce. Not sure what that means. Offered for her to rotate out of house or help pay for other location. Does all this while texting me videos of the kids and calls me so I can xtalk to kids before I call. Again I ask: why would WAW walk out on a marriage w 1 1/2 year old and 3 year old and who lives with her parents?
WAW has her flying our kids to second state and not staying over to spend time with my oldest from previous marriage. This will be very awkward for my oldest kids, who I am trying not to tell about the whole situation. Any recommendations on how I should handle that? Can a separation agreement have an exception to non-cohabitation in these cases because we are not divorced, but having an agreement like a divorce? If I ask that we cohabitate in those instances, would WAW not want this? I guess what I am trying to say, is that my eldest kids already went through this just 3 years ago, and I would not want them to be exposed to WAW MLC unless for sure we are divorced, which seems to be somewhat up in the air because she has not filed at this time. I dont want to sound needy but this impact on my eldest kids would be really hard.. Thoughts? Thank you!
WAW has her flying our kids to second state and not staying over to spend time with my oldest from previous marriage. This will be very awkward for my oldest kids, who I am trying not to tell about the whole situation. Any recommendations on how I should handle that?
Yes, tell your kids (the older ones she is not the mother of). Don't expect your W to spend any time with them, if she doesn't want to then you shouldn't try to force her. I understand that your kids have bonded with her and you don't want to subject them to the loss, but you really don't have a choice in the matter.
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Can a separation agreement have an exception to non-cohabitation in these cases because we are not divorced, but having an agreement like a divorce?
You'll have to ask a lawyer because it varies from state-to-state (are you in the US?) Some states don't even recognize separation as a legal condition. My state (TX) is one of them, there are no provisions here for legal separation.
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I dont want to sound needy but this impact on my eldest kids would be really hard.. Thoughts? Thank you!
Seeing our kids hurt is one of the most difficult things about these sitches. Unfortunately it's one that is outside of our control. So all we can do is support them as best we can and if they are particularly struggling then get them into IC. You don't necessarily have to tell them their step-mom is gone for good or wants a D or anything, but try to explain that you're going through some troubles and that it has nothing to do with them and promise to be there for them no matter what happens. Kids need a lot of reassurances at these times.
This makes sense AnotherStander. Thank you. The only issue is that if I tell my eldest kids, they will tell my ex, who would cause a lot of strife for me because my ex dislikes me and my W. I know I can’t avoid it if we actually D, but for now, I am concerned about making a mountain out of a molehill if we wind up reconciling. I also think it is hard that my eldest will ask why they can’t spend time with my W’s nieces and parents whom they are also close to. My eldest just went through a D 5 years ago, which upsets me how selfish my W is thinking right now. But I love her and want her to be happy.
I’m feeling a bit down this morning. My WAW is much more cordial and happier now that I said I would not object if she files, because I love her. I don’t want this, but if this makes her happier, I will not object. We made a connection at least which is better than before. I am hoping we just keep this agreement in place w/o her filing in the hope she’ll realize this is a mistake. I need to stay positive but this will be very difficult to do in front of her family. I figure she may be keeping her options open with an agreement she calls “representing a divorce”. She told me once that she emotionally is ready but afraid she regret it. I still think she is emotionally attached and won’t go through with it, but maybe I’m wrong.
Did you and your current W discuss the living arrangements before your M her? In other words, did you make it very clear how you were going to split your time staying in another state to live with children from your previous M? Was she aware that your plans were to maintain the house in the other state and not sell it until those kids were grown?
I don't know the ages of your other children, or the age of your current W. maybe you could put this in your signature line. My point in the previous paragraph is that if your current W did not fully understand the conditions of the proposed MR, and/or if she is very young......I can see how it would be very difficult on her. And, even if she knew in advance, the strain of two small children that close together, and step-children too, may just be more than she could handle. She has two small children, her H is gone most of the time, either on the road working....or living in his house in a another state with his other children. You feel you are doing the best you can by both sets of children. However, I suspect your W feels cheated and feels her small kids are being cheated. Whatever the cause, you have to find a solution......b/c this is not working. You certainly don't need to get a D and marry again and have another family by a third W. Your hands are more than full, now.
Has your first W remarried? How is your R with her? Is she dependent or needy on your help? Is she contacting you a lot about the kids and needing you to help her with something? Does the first W still reside in the house you own in the other state? I mean, do you have a separate house from your first W in the other state? B/c if you are visiting your children in the same house your first W is living........then that can cause all kinds of problems with the current W.
Are your current W's parents able to work or help with the finances while living with her? I'm just wondering why they live with her. Is it a large house? She probably needs their support, since you are gone so much........if they are not a source of contention.
I think you have gotten yourself into a situation that won't have an answer that makes everyone happy. You are basically trying to live a double life. You have two families in two separate states. If I was the young mother of your two babies, I would probably feel that me and my kids were cheated. Even if you told her before M how you would have to split your time with the other children.........it doesn't prevent resentment and jealousy after she has her own children. If there's ever a time a woman needs to feel that she and her offsprings take priority in the man's life.......it is when she is home with babies/toddlers.
You seriously need legal advice, if you own property in another state, and your current W is threatening D. And also, if she is using breast-feeding a 1 1/2 yr old, to keep you from him. Working mothers use a breast pump, so I don't know that nursing would hold up as an excuse to keep a child from his father. I've noticed you often make reference to the nursing (or maybe it's the other H with a breast-feeding W...... ). At any rate, the child is not a new born, and in a case of separation......your lawyer should be able to get you equal visitation.
The update that she has relented and will let you stay in her house a few more days, is good.......I think. Does that mean she'll share her bed with you, or will you just be visiting? In a sense, she may feel that has been the setup or arrangement since the beginning........that it's more like you drop in to visit. Most women need a full time H and father to their children, so seeing you leave to go stay in another state with the other children could really wear on her emotional/mental well being. It would be challenging on a more mature woman.
I may stand alone here, but I don't think your current W owes anything to your other children. The very best scenario is for a step-mother to love those children much like her own and to be good to them. The older the children are when the family blends.......and the terms......often determine the relationship between the children and step-parents. Of course, there are many other factors involved, too. But I'm trying to say that once your current W had her own children, and watched their father leave them to go stay with his first family.......it could cause resentment, even in the heart of a loving woman. If you place guilt on your current W about your older children and her lack of "mothering" them......that's a big mistake. I may have missed something that you've told the oldest one, but if you have not been honest (age appropriate) about step-mom........then that is on you. What are the ages of your two oldest kids?
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The only issue is that if I tell my eldest kids, they will tell my ex, who would cause a lot of strife for me because my ex dislikes me and my W.
Ah........well, that speaks volumes, right there! Strife between the first and second W.
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I know I can’t avoid it if we actually D, but for now, I am concerned about making a mountain out of a molehill if we wind up reconciling.
Well again, it depends on the age of your oldest child, as to how much you reveal. You don't want them worrying and crying over the possibility of losing their step-mom.
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I also think it is hard that my eldest will ask why they can’t spend time with my W’s nieces and parents whom they are also close to.
In one post, you said it was a three hour flight to the other state. So, have you taken your oldest children to the state of your current W to visit? How often?
Yes, you may be worrying about this ^^^^^^^^^ prematurely.
IDK, but I rather doubt your W is having a MLC. I think she is very unhappy about the state of her MR. PPD is very likely. Her hormones could be out of whack, but blood work would determine those results. I don't know how much one on one time she had with you without some kids or family members around. IMHO, it is very important to the health of any MR to have time alone with each other. I realize you want to see your children with your current W, but it might help to get her away from the house for a couple of hours without the kids. Plan something for just the two of you. Nothing too romantic, but somethin causual.....like a picnic or something that removes her from her regular environment for a while, and it's just the two of you. Don't discuss the M issues. Act as if you are getting acquainted with her. Don't talk about your other kids or your life in the other state. Don't put guilt or any type of emotional pressure on her. Just make it a pleasant time, and take her home when she's ready to go.
If you feel having a DB coach helped the M to reconcile the last time, why not call them again?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for responding and providing your thoughts. You have nailed my sitch exactly.
We were both aware of the living arrangements before we got married. In fact, we preferred at the time to set up visitation that way with my ex because it prevented me coming back and forth to other state for weekends. Yes, she was aware I'd have a second place until kids were grown. What you say though tells me things really changed when we had kids and I was a fool to ignore. I did tell her I was willing to change the custody agreement to be more with her and the kids, but I did not want to tell her this until she wanted to reconcile, as I did no want to try to convince her to stay.
Eldest kids with ex are 10 and 7.
First W is remarried. Relationship with her has gotten better but she does not like my w and I think would relish in the fact that I am having problems, because I went through my own MLC with her. And my W is someone she knew.
Ex does not reside in my house in the other state. We have separate houses. Current wife is financially sound and parents live with her to help with care of our kids. One reason why I can see why she sees any need in me being there when she has support from her parents.
We have a sep agreement (it cant be legal) in place and she is offering two weekends when I am not in sep state, plus time in between.
When I am in her home, I sleep in separate bedroom. And have been doing so for 8 months. I asked to stay for almost the entire months this summer, but she is not agreeing with it. To her, probably too little too late.
Have taken the kids from other state to wife state during the summers and holidays and now some long weekends. I'd say 4-5 times per year.
Her birthday is coming up so I am thinking of asking her out to dinner for that; last time I asked her to dinner to just get a break - no M talk; she thought about it for a while, but then said no thank you.
I have a coach, and using one now, but I am in between sessions.
Regarding her PPD, should talk with her parents about my concerns? We are pretty close and I am close to her family.
I hope this helps. And thank you for your guidance!
Also, W hired attorney and wants an agreement representative of D. I did as well. Told me she just wants a divorce and just wants us to get through this in the best way possible.
Update: W says she wants to spend time with eldest kids. Not sure how that plays out and why, but seems like a good sign. She also wants to stop cohabitation in her house (we're in separate rooms already, so this is not live there) beginning in September. Any suggestions/reactions?
Hi All, the past two days since I have been back have been a roller coaster. Implementing Sandis rules but I don’t think I’m here enough this week to ask W out for a date. She still basically ignores me unless about the kids. I might try next time I am back in town when she says I can stay at the house. I am now going to change my current custody order so I am in W state more. I hope this improves things and I am willing to take the risk because I’ve been away too long and was not there for her when she needed me. Right now she seems to jaded for me to offer any kind of pursuit behavior. I’ve posted a lot the past few days because so much has occurred between the next time I talk to my DB coach. Please anyone have any suggestions to know if I am on the right track? I am getting the feeling at times my W is showing too little too late.
). At any rate, the child is not a new born, and in a case of separation......your lawyer should be able to get you equal visitation.