I have been reading the forum for 3 weeks and have a question to ask.Before I do so, I was wondering if there was a proper place to introduce myself and my situation?
Last edited by Cadet; 03/11/1802:28 PM.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
This past year has been very stressful but first a little bit about my situation. I met my wife through mutual friends in 2004. She had recently been cheated on by her fiancé and lost her younger brother/only sibling in an auto wreck. I recently had been left by the love of my life/only girlfriend (of 5 years) when she entered college. My wife was beautiful, strong and independent. I was living at home recently out of college. My wife took right care of me and life was grand, however I refused to pamper her like my ex girlfriend and I let my wife know this (something I currently still regret-the choice I made, not telling my wife). As time went on, I decided to buy a home in 2005 instead of pay rent for her apartment. I bought a fixer upper raised ranch that needed the entire lower level rebuilt. I did all the work on nights and weekends because it was the only way I could afford it. We grew closer, loved doing new adventures together and shared the same dreams, goals, and morals. She told me she hated liars and cheaters and would walk away before ever cheating.
We got engaged in 2006 and married in 2007. 2008 rolls around and out of now where my wife did not know if she wanted to still be married. She had been acting bipolar, perfectly calm one minute and the next fly off the handle and turn into a royal bitch. So we had been arguing over pointless things. I had seen her vehicle at guys house who had been chasing her when we were dating. I suspected an affair as our love life had decreased some. She assured me that she was just visiting his Mother. My wife agreed to see the doctors about her sudden mood swings. I bought her some flowers and said sorry for being immature at times and fighting over little things. She got on some meds for bipolar something or other and became her old self again within 2 weeks.
We grew closer again and in 2010 we had our first daughter. Life was great and in 2012 we had another daughter. Now she is playing full time Mom (does all the laundry, cooking, and shopping). I do the dishes, house and yard work. We continue on this journey and I thought everything was great, if my wife ever wanted my help just say hey. I hate to sit idle and am always working on one thing or another. So last year after being in our home for 12 years, we find a home in our home town that we would love to buy. 5 acres, in-ground pool, two garages,etc. My house still was not finished. Then we find out an offer had been made on the home we wanted. So I had to put in an offer on the home higher than the previous. The sellers agreed but I had 30 days to get our home under contract and 60 days to sell. Remember at the beginning I said this past year was stressful?
Well, we did it. We took time off from work and worked non stop on finishing our home to list it and sell it in the time frame. Not taking any time away from working or being mom and dad, to spend time with each other. One month into our new home, we learn it needs many more repairs than caught during the inspection. I had to threaten to sue (per my realtors advise) because of the costs involved and items not disclosed. Now my wife is getting more stressed out by the day as she never handled stress well. At the same time she learned her best friend of over 30 years is suing her parents over a property dispute! We knew nothing of it, were blind sided! Summer went ok but as the fall came I couldn't put my finger on why my wife so angry all the time. I thought it was stress from being shorthanded at work, coupled with not grieving the loss of her best friend properly. eventually I notice a guy always commenting on her facebook posts. I confronted her about it on 12/30/17 and she said we are just friends, we went to school together and he is a single dad. I had found out from my girls she had face timed him and I was connecting the dots. She had been following similar patterns to 2008! She looked at me and said no we are fine, I am sorry and it wont happen again. That night we had amazing sex and I thought nothing of it. One week later on 1/6/18, she tells me at a basketball practice for my girls that if it were not for them, she would be gone. She was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and went to IC. There she learned she loved me but was no longer in love with me. I never getup first in the morning and feed the girls, I don't cook or offer to bring a meal home, etc. etc. Our marriage has been up and down, etc. I was blown away and asked if there was somebody else. She told me no and I went into super husband mode.
I got up each morning first with the girls, got them feed and dressed before bringing them to school. I started cooking meals, doing all the laundry, starting the car for her before work for my wife and even made coffee for her (something I have never done). As time went on and I did almost all the work, my wife had it made but she never apologized or thanked me. Her harshness to me had backed off and we were no longer arguing but I noticed she was always on her phone (even taking it to the bathroom which she never does). I called her out and she said she was being honest. I said lets see the phone and that is when she admitted that the innocent talking about life and kids with the OM had led her to have feelings for him. I was crushed again but told her to stop the conversations before it was too late and I would have it in my heart to forgive her. That was 1/29/18. I began researching and reading over the next two weeks and that is when I found this site and learned everything I had done wrong. I stopped saying I love you to her and following her around like a puppy dog. My wife told me she wants to go back to college for a different degree. I have been told by close friends that she did cheat on me in 2008 (they thought I already knew). I don't know this monster of my wife. She is now on AD as well as birthcontrol to help with hormone/cycle issues. I don't believe a thing she tells me and think she has meet up with the OM twice. She is planning on moving out in late april when her parents head to camp for the summer because she is "burned out". I had met with a lawyer and he said now would be the best time to file and when I found out about the affair conformation in 2008 I was about to. Last week she found out I had her online access to a savings account of mine removed. Unfortunately we have always kept finances separate. When she found out I had done that and put it back the way it has been for years (prior to a recent camper purchase), she flipped out and told me shes not stupid she knows I'm planning for a divorce. I am not and have decided that I will not file. I will DB and she will have to be the one who does if it comes to it. I am going to try and leave no stone unturned so I can tell my girls that I tried everything.
So now that is all out of the way, she has slept a few nights on the couch and wakes me up when she comes to bed. Should I be kicking her out of our masterbedroom? I had not in hopes to keep in on the down low from my oldest 7 yr old daughter but she can still sense the tension in the home. Also, when I am working on GAL...how do I keep it from my wife without lying? I had gone out for a beer last week with a buddy and it drove her nuts. She called another friend looking for me. She told my buddies wife she got on my facebook account and wanted to know some girl I had looked up (I don't even know the person so it must have been someone who friend requested me that I don't know). As of last week, I know the conversations with the OM are continuing as I was able to catch her iPhone unlocked one morning and she said good morning sweetie, she wanted to go crawl in bed with him,she loved him. I saw enough and had my proof. I called her out on it when she started questioning me where I had gone and why I was dressed up. I told her when she started telling the truth, I would tell the truth.
So I am looking for some advice mainly on how to live this next 30 days or so knowing she is planning to leave? I don't question the W or talk about it but I need to be here for my girls. I need to GAL and will start going to a gym (for the first time ever as I am fit) once the girls are in bed. I feel like I am stuck in limbo for now.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
I guess I am struggling and feel that if I do tell my wife to start sleeping on the couch, it will push her further away due to the fact of during the last conversation we had she said her communications with OM can stop. That is when I said then you need to delete his number, delete his FB friendship, and pretend he never existed. She responded ok, but I have been friends with him so I dont think I can pretend he never existed. During that last converstation, I failed to use the opportunity to setup a boundry and say by the way, I want share you and you can now sleep on the couch.
Also, is there ever a time in the short window I have while she is at home (even though I realize she may have or will change her mind about leaving and the decision could go back and forth because she is not thinking logically) that I should tell her what I would do differently from here on out? I don't want to bring light to the changes I'm making but I have realized flaws in our relationship and how I, or we, handled them. I would like her to know in her heart that I see those issues, understand them, and am sorry. Then be able to tell her this is what Id do differently (a,b,c, etc)?? I am struggling with this because it would be a 180 for me and I think it would be an eye opener for her but it could also be seen as a close "ask her if she has seen the changes" type of talk.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
My only input before the real experts chime in: don't be convinced that she will actually leave at the end of April. WWs make plans and don't follow through. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. The OM may not be at a point where he is ready to take on another dependent. Maybe he is. IDK, but I see WWs make those pronouncements all the time and not follow through.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Last night was odd, instead of watching TV in a different room alone for several hours, my wife watched a TV show with me...and then another one, and another one. Next thing I know we watched TV for 2 hours. This has not happened for months. The entire time she was making comments for small talk.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Last night was odd, instead of watching TV in a different room alone for several hours, my wife watched a TV show with me...and then another one, and another one. Next thing I know we watched TV for 2 hours. This has not happened for months. The entire time she was making comments for small talk.
Could be because of the changes you've made in yourself. Often times when you start to pull back, they will draw near. Remember, she wants to make sure you are there as Plan B. So please do not read too much into it. When her behavior is consistent over a long period of time then you will know she has changed. One night of 2 hour TV watching, while a great first step, is hardly a turnaround for a WW.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think this is typical for the spouse to do. I've been on this roller coaster for over a year, and about 6 months ago gradually detached. Since that time, the roller coaster has stopped and she has become more respectful and friendly. The rub is that she has another man for the last several months.
My opinion, based on what IC have said, is that they don't know what they want. They can be searching for a lost identity, or looking for adventure, or whatever. So they waffle between complete independence and interdependence.
