Had a tough couple of days. Constantly engaging her to talk about her feelings. No empathy, no kindness, brutal assessments about me that I refuse to deny because they are mostly true. I am taking all the blame. I can do no right. Kids are noticing her behavior. I want to prptect them from our issues. Comforted our oldest d11. She told her mother, " I feel like you talk to me like you talk to dad. I heard you tell him you dont love him. Do you love me?" Wife is angry, not happy. Blames me further for all of this. Demands space...tells me i am ignoring her pushing her to divorce. I try not to say anything. My words are soft and i still get told i am an idiot. I cry opely about my situation. More controlling behavior according to her. My daughter cries and my wife looks at me with fury.
I must detach even more. I must shut my mouth entirely. Now I must observe without being tied to the outcome. Smiles earlier this week are replaced with threats of divorce. Words kill us and any chance at us. Yet we continue to " try for the kids".
Im still trying to understand how this time is different than before. You said you were here and had success in reigniting your marriage and commitment. What would be different about the third go-round? To me, it reads like you are only interested in W when you cant have her.
Originally Posted By: InFocus
Constantly engaging her to talk about her feelings.
I am taking all the blame. I can do no right.
I cry opely about my situation.
I mean, how is any of what you are doing attractive? Playing the hurt puppy dog and making her out to be the bad guy IS controlling and manipulative. You 'take all the blame' but sit around moping and pouting.....how is that protecting the kids? To me, thats just exposing them to your issues.
Throughout the marriage he cheated on her - (with a stripper and others) which exposes her to some deadly diseases. (HIV, stds that cause cancer) which effects the children because it makes them at risk for having a sick mom or shortening the life of their mom.
He depleted family funds on gambling, addictions, partying with his friends while she was home taking care of the kids.
He emotionally abused her (which is psychologically damaging for years)
And even now continues to gaslight by making her look like the villain in front of the kids.
I dont hear remorse at how he hurt her amd the kids. Only how she no longer is giving him what he needs. Thats what he is remorseful for.
Infocus, what can you do that is selfless for your family? Financially? Physically regarding housework and care for the kids? How can you make it about them and not you?
Juju, all of that could fall into the NGS category! You'd have to read about the syndrome to fully understand. And I don't want ot break the board rule about endorsing a non-MWD book.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Juju, I have remorse, people make mistakes. As far as STDs, her health, I told her what happened and got tested. I screwed up, but owned it.
My addictions have cost us money. But I am a fantastic provider and never has our financial situation, home, basic needs been jeopardized.
At this point, the light has come on. I am done trying to fix myself or this situation. Now I detach and be the best me I can be.
I appreciate the comments and insight as always. I have let go now of expectations and will focus on the kids and their well being.
I am a good father at the very least and that will be my path for now. I also realized...this is not about me. This about her. Her feelings are ber own. I have no say, I can only witness and stand up for my own self respect, regardless of my mistakes.
Everyone says let her go. I'm trying to make peace with that.
Who is "everyone"?
Are you preventing her from leaving, if that's what she wants? Didn't she say she was staying for the sake of the kids?
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I am just hurting now in the realization of what I've done and the consequences. I guess my actions have led to this, my wife wanting out, not wanting me.
When you were engaged in your BBB (bad boy behavior), did you not think this could happen? Actions have consequences. My guess is that you were consumed with your own feelings to the point your brain really did not think she would react the way she did.. Whatever led you to those type of actions will come for you again......if you aren't prepared to handle your issues in a healthy way, then you'll probably fall into old patterns again. In other words, this is bigger than just getting your W back.
With that said, everyone here identifies with pain. That is the common thread that weaves us together here. Keep that in mind, when you read the replies.
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I find myself going down the rabbit hole of anguish and thoughts of the future where I'm replaced by another man. My kids calling someone else father. Being alone filled with regrets. I'm trying to show that I can be better than I was.
Part of this is your fear...........especially if you are staying off the bottle and your head has cleared. (Are you? You haven't said. ). Another part is your guilt telling you this is your fault and you deserve whatever choices she makes for the future. Perhaps another part is you wallowing in self-pity. I am not trying to throw arrows at you, by saying these things. I want you to realize this type of mindset could defeat you! It will keep away the very thing you want most. Therefore, what can you do to change your current mindset and develop a healthy one that bring better results? I don't mean you should shift the blame, or ignore the reality of your situation. I mean how can you deal with all of these emotions in a healthier way?
I know how guilt feels. It can devour your life, if you continue giving it power. The more you feed guilt, the bigger it gets. I'm not suggesting you justify your behavior. I am not saying you should not feel remorse. Once we accept full responsibility for the choices we made, then we humbly ask for forgiveness, and work like hell to turn ourselves into a better, happier, healthier person. Whether or not the offended party forgives us, we still have to push ourselves to move forward....... for ourselves. You don't want to live like this forever, and you've learned (I hope) not to lose yourself in a bottle.....or get temporary sexual gratification with another woman, or losing your life to gaming. That is not living, and it compounds your problems.
Forgiving yourself may not come, unless you have a spiritual mentor or seek mental health counseling. You won't ever forget (I hope), but you can reach a healthy place where you do not dwell on it.....and you move forward. Flogging yourself does not help your MR, or your life with your children. And frankly, it does not help you become attractive to your W. You do not want to appear you are feeling sorry for yourself, and neither should you continue flogging yourself.........b/c it eventually becomes disgusting for the W to watch. So, if you are doing any of that now........you have to stop it.
Fear is an emotion. It can paralyze you, if you give it enough power. You feed fear the same way you feed your guilt. Guilt and fear reside in your thoughts. You either give those feelings power by constantly giving guilt and fear your attention and feeding them, or you figure out how to get help and stop feeding it. Be smart, and do what it takes to become the best man you can become.
If you will start helping yourself heal, instead of focusing on how you're losing your W......you won't be chasing near as many rabbits.
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Had a tough couple of days. Constantly engaging her to talk about her feelings. No empathy, no kindness, brutal assessments about me that I refuse to deny because they are mostly true. I am taking all the blame.
This is extremely unattractive behavior in a man. Are you looking for empathy? Your W is angry.....and she should be angry! This is not something a woman can just hug it out and forgive. She has to have time to forgive. She feels betrayed, disgusted, and probably other emotions, as well. It doesn't matter if that woman at the bar meant nothing.......your W's pain is hers to feel and deal with. And if you don't stay out of her personal space.....she is going to move away. Every time you bring it up and want her to discuss her feelings......you remind her how this is all your fault. Stop trying to get her to talk about her feelings! That is a suicide mission for the MR. It puts emotional pressure on her.....and she will leave to get away from it. Understand? So stop it. She doesn't want to hear lip service from you. She needs to see a new and better man, before her feelings will change. The more you ask.......the more you kill any chance of reconciling. If you'll stay out of her face and give her time, she will figure it out. She might even see areas she needs to improve herself. But, you've got to give her some emotional space.
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Comforted our oldest d11. She told her mother, " I feel like you talk to me like you talk to dad. I heard you tell him you dont love him. Do you love me?" Wife is angry, not happy. Blames me further for all of this. Demands space...tells me i am ignoring her pushing her to divorce. I try not to say anything. My words are soft and i still get told i am an idiot. I cry opely about my situation. More controlling behavior according to her. My daughter cries and my wife looks at me with fury.
If you are trying to make your W look like the bad guy here.......you are being a jerk. You have caused your W to be angry, and she can't contain it and those emotions overflow to the kids. I have to agree that this looks like controlling behavior from you. If I were in her shoes, and thought you were manipulating my children......I would not react nicely, I promise ya.
Stop crying openly! Don't you dare cry in front of your W, and/or the kids! That's disgusting, and it's not how a man should act. Stop trying to make the kids take your side. If you have to bawl, leave the house, or go in the bathroom and bury your head in towels where nobody can hear you.
Listen, your goal should never be to get your W's pity. It should be to gain her respect. Pity and respect for her H will not go hand in hand in this situation. The more empathy you try to get, the more it turns her off. So, stop playing on her feelings of tenderness. It will not get the love you want.
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At this point, the light has come on. I am done trying to fix myself or this situation. Now I detach and be the best me I can be.
How do you mean you are done trying to fix yourself? How have you tried to fix yourself? What are you doing to gain self-respect, and to gain your W's respect for you?
Yes, pull back and stop putting emotional pressure on your W. This is your mess to clean up. Yes, be a good father, but don't play psychological games and cause them to feel they must choose sides between you or their mother. Be careful that you don't appear to be taking the kids away from her, or as if you are persuading the kids.
I hope to hear you have found a psychologist to help guide you in building a better, healthier man.
Have you set healthy goals for yourself? What are you doing to get lots of physical excerise? Are you staying away from strip bars? Your form of getting a life, should not be anything similar to your previous activities. Do you have healthy activities to replace the old destructive ones?
Do you have good a good buddy that isn't involved in similar activities or lifestyle that you were in? You need to detach from people who would encourage you to go get drunk with them, or go play games, gamble, or anything that triggers your addictions. Having a buddy that has his own life in a healthy place, could be someone to help hold you accountable......and encourage you, too. Do you have a healthy male role model?
As I've previously said, you have to replace the harmful habits with good ones. Otherwise, your life will feel so void that the temptation to return to old ways is too great. Those type of patterns were some way that soothed your needs and gave superficial gratification. It may start by you wanting to escape your reality for a little while, but it leads you down a dark tunnel. It has no benefits, only painful consequences.
So, I encourage you to get out your calendar and make plans to do things with your family on special days. Learn how to make the arrangements or organize the activities. If W doesn't want to participate, then don't push her. Remember, no pressure. Show the kids a great time. Devote weekends to activities with the kids. Take some time for yourself by doing something fun, but wholesome..........staying on the straight & narrow road. What do you enjoy doing for fun? Any hobbies, projects, etc.?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Anyways, we get married, ups and downs like any married couple. After about 4 years, my wife decided she was no longer in love with me due to my gaming addiction and lack of attention. She wasn't a priority. She let me know after I got back from a trip that she was moving out. So abrupt, had already gotten a place. No notice. I'm hurt, angry, but I knew that I had a problem gaming and quit. She moved out. I was lost. Angry, hurt. I did all the wrong things the first month. Pleading, angry, struggled with feelings of betrayal. One day I came upon Divorce Busting. I focused on myself, GAL, followed divorcebusting 180 rules, and kept up hope - showed her my best, tried to prove that I could grow from that. Long story short, the fire was re-kindled, fell back in love. I was at a place of complete peace with getting back together or moving on with my life and I took the jump to get back with her. Life was good again. Beautiful light shone on both of us.
Reading what you write, it sounds like you are addicted to this "in love" feeling.
If I were your wife, I would have a hard time believing if we were to reconcile (again) that once the 'fire' started burning lower 2-3 years down the line that we wouldnt be in exactly this spot for the third time.
Ive asked you twice and Im still very unclear - what is it that is different now than the last BD? Why would your W expect that the third go-round would be different still?
