Hey everyone, happy to find a place to post and chat with others going through this. I've been going to my wife to ask and explain our situation and it's not been helping. Adding stress and anxiety and pressure to an already tough situation.
Some background married for 12 years, 3 kids, D11, D8, S6. We've known each other since we were young kids, she being 14 years old, me being 16. I'm the only man she's ever been with. For a good portion of that early relationship, we were long distance. Writing letters, long calls, the heart wants what it can't have. At this time, I did see other people, my wife did not.
When I was old enough, 18 years old, I started to commute and visit her regularly, driving hundreds of miles on weekends, back to work on Mondays, working construction at the time.
Moved in with her and her parents at 19. Lived in the basement. Worked with her dad. Paid rent. Decided to join the military, build a life and future for myself, my wife included.
Fast forward, she comes out to live with me after she graduates high school at my first duty station. Lived together for 3 years. Ups and downs, young couple, living together. Intense passion and some arguments. Got into online gaming with her, just doing our best as a young couple. Love is strong, but it's still young love, we argue at times, I'm inconsiderate, etc.
One day, she asks me if I want to get married. I accept. I know that is not ideal. She mentions it every now and then how she proposed to me and will never have that moment. Lots of mistakes are adding up. It's like you can't avoid it being together so long.
Anyways, we get married, ups and downs like any married couple. After about 4 years, my wife decided she was no longer in love with me due to my gaming addiction and lack of attention. She wasn't a priority. She let me know after I got back from a trip that she was moving out. So abrupt, had already gotten a place. No notice. I'm hurt, angry, but I knew that I had a problem gaming and quit. She moved out. I was lost. Angry, hurt. I did all the wrong things the first month. Pleading, angry, struggled with feelings of betrayal. One day I came upon Divorce Busting. I focused on myself, GAL, followed divorcebusting 180 rules, and kept up hope - showed her my best, tried to prove that I could grow from that. Long story short, the fire was re-kindled, fell back in love. I was at a place of complete peace with getting back together or moving on with my life and I took the jump to get back with her. Life was good again. Beautiful light shone on both of us.
The next few months and years were good. We had two more children, my middle D and my youngest S. We moved back to the state where we met, took up a new job, all new surroundings. I started to get involved in "networking" - late nights out with others, coming home at 2am drunk.
That escalated. DUIs. Late nights, no calls, no texts. Probably occurred every other week on Fridays. Just became a thing for me. I wasn't there for her again. The more hurt she felt, the more she pulled back, protected herself, rejected me. I was spiraling. Searching for that out drinking and taking her for granted again. It was wrong, I know.
I eventually had an incident at a strip club where I let a lapdance go too far, oral sex ensued. I didn't let her finish, but guilt drove me to tell my wife. She didn't leave me, didn't file for divorce, she forgave me without a second thought.
We're three years down the road from that. I've slowed it down, but I still go out every now and then. I still go missing sometimes without texting/calling. I come home the night before Thanksgiving at 3am.
I'm gambling, I'm drinking, I've cheated - not a full blow affair, but it's bad. I'm arguing with her, we're fighting regularly. I'm letting my emotions out, she's letting her emotions out. I'm "emotionally abusive" one night after a night of fighting in the car in front of the kids. I call her the "b" word. She hits me, slaps me, spits in my eye. I deserve it.
Here I am. Realizing how terrible I've been, how horrid of a husband I've been to her. I blew it.
She dropped the bomb Jan 29, 2018. She doesn't want me. She doesn't need me. She doesn't love me.
She's staying in the house, separate bedrooms, going to counseling to work on it. She's told me she's going to see how it goes in time. She's trying for the kids and the kids alone. She has no regard for me, she's protecting her heart, the walls are up. I'm hurting now, I'm seeing what I've done. I realize now. Why did it take me this long, I'm a fool. Blind, worthless fool. I don't blame her for what she's done. She had to do it for self preservation. To protect herself.
I've been totally in agreement. I don't deny how I've been. I know I'm wrong. I'm afraid though, it's too late.
I'm not sure how I let it get here. Why I did all of that. I regret it all, apologized profusely. Spent the last month trying to turn it all around, be better, prove myself. Too late. Why now she says. Why now?! She asks angrily. I have no answer, just regret, just pure empathy for her.
I'm committed to working on a better self. She's committed to giving it time and space, maybe she can heal. Maybe not. No promises. Living in the house, separate bedrooms. I miss her, but I don't deserve her. I hope for a reconciliation. I hope for healing for my marriage. I don't deserve it, but maybe there's a chance.
Feeling lost, hopeless, depressed. She caught me crying today and comforted me. What in the hell is wrong with me and how did I get so lucky with this woman. Yet, I threw it all away with my behavior. Inside I know, I ruined this, I got us to this point..
I have to focus on the good, focus on hope. I feel thoughts of desperation, how I've ruined my family. Destroyed my life. I feel hopeless...depressed...life is hard, so hard at the moment. I push on for my kids, for her - for a chance to make this right.
Am I wrong? She hasn't just left. She's here in the house, but she said it's over. She's going to counseling but it's for me she says. She hasn't said for sure divorce, but when I ask or we start to talk that's the direction she leans. Only when I let it be, try to spend time with her and kids, and just relax does there seem to be hope.
I'm needy, I want more, I want touch, love. I'm a weak person. She is the rock of our family.
Looking for advice, support. I know I don't deserve it, but please...help.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
In, I'm sorry to hear about your sitch. You will hear a lot of good advice on this board. Other the counseling, what other things have you done/tried?
Be sure to read all the links in Cadet's post, they help, and work. GAL, detach (lovingly), 180. And no R talks, validate if she initiates (validation is the hardest for me, my H has been the one to initiate any R talks, and I take the bait every time). You'll get through this, the key is to get through any be ready for any outcome.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
Most of the people that post here are people that are going to be able to relate more to your wife then to you. Which is why this might be a great forum for you.
Perhaps reading some of the anguish and hurt experienced by some of the posters here... most of whom were victims of abuse and neglect just like your wife..might give you some sense of empathy.
I think you need to explore your sense of selfishness and entitlememt with a therapist though.
Your wife is certainly not a wayward. She is definitly a walkaway and would be netter off with a man that is loyal to her.
What can uou actually do for her and your children at this point? Seems like that would be the biggest 180. Consistently being responsible for your family. Nut not to win her back. More for the sake of meeting the needs of the others in your life, instead of meetimg your needs.
This is the problem amd has always been the problem.
And nows the time to address it.
How do you think you can address it? Religion? Therapy? Self reflection? Resolving foo issues? Some serious 2x4s?
I really feel like you are on here to learm some techniques (typically deployed ny marcissists) to attract her back onmy to to this again until you are ready to discard and do even more damage.
Seek IC. Fix YOU and maybe, just maybe she will still be waiting.
Fix YOU.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I want to come out of this a better person. I want her to be happy, no matter what. She's trying to give us a chance. I'm going to IC now every Tuesday. We both go to MC every other week.
Everyone says let her go. I'm trying to make peace with that.
While I know I don't deserve her, I want to make it work. I guess at this point all I have are her requests for time and space.
That is what I want to give her, while I work on myself.
I am just hurting now in the realization of what I've done and the consequences. I guess my actions have led to this, my wife wanting out, not wanting me.
What do I want out of this situation. The best outcome for my family. My marriage may be over, but I am going to keep working on me to see if there is a chance. Time and space, living in the same house.
I find myself going down the rabbit hole of anguish and thoughts of the future where I'm replaced by another man. My kids calling someone else father. Being alone filled with regrets. I'm trying to show that I can be better than I was.
The old me must go. The old marriage is dead and gone. I'm trying to create something from the ashes, but know that I can not control that. Still...it hurts.
Well, I commend you for having the courage for posting your story. If there is one thing that is more rare to see on the board than a wayward wife.......it is a wayward husband! Let me rephrase that and call you a former wayward husband, since you have stopped your previous behavior that was destroying your MR. FWIW, I am a former wayward wife, and I hope you will accept my warning in the right way. In the beginning, there may be only a few people who have difficulty saying what you want to hear. Spouses like you and like me, have caused so much pain for the majority of the people here. However, if you will stick with it, you will get the information you need.
Just to clarify, are you and W currently attending MC? Have you considered IC for yourself, before getting MC? I mean, if you don't why you acted so badly and took your W for granted and verbally abused her in front of your children........don't you think you need to find out what your problem is......before your MR can be healed?
It is good if you feel remorse and have repented from your former behavior. If you were addicted to gaming, and you were being charged with DUI's........there is a good chance you will be faced with other addictions. No matter how badly you may feel now, if your W gives you another chance.....you may start taking her for granted again. BTW, are you still drinking and going home drunk?
So, if I were your W, I would want to see some assurance that you are getting help with your addiction problem. Having stopped "all of that" is a good starting place, but it doesn't help her trust you that it won't happen again.
Something stood out to me about how your W responded to your bad behavior at the stripper's club. She kept saying, "Why now"? Do you have a clue to what she meant, or did you try to find out? I think those words are key to why she is not responding to you now. I can't help but think it had something to do with her decision to move out when she returned back from that trip a few years ago. She ended up sticking it out with you......instead of carrying through with some other plan. Maybe that other plan was an opportunity that she gave up to be with you. But, you won that round........only to mess up big time. I suspect this is your final chance.
You can save your marriage. You have to save yourself, first, and get the help to make the changes you need to make for you and your family. Whether your M makes it or not......those kids will always be your children and need a decent father and role model. So, you should have a lot of motivation to get to work. I don't say this to beat you down, but hopefully, encourage you to see past your guilt and see those lives that you influence.
By the way, the rules of 180's (as you made reference) do you mean Sandi's 37 rules?
When I joined the board and read DR, I felt it was mostly geared for the LBS.....rather than the wayward or walk-away spouse. However, it still helped me. Remember that you are the one that showed up on the board, and wanting to save your M, so you will be the spouse who gets the information. If you have not read Divorce Remedy, I encourage you to get it ASAP. I don't want to discourage you by saying how rare it is to have a WH post his story......I just wanted you to be prepared.
I hope you will stick with us. There really are some terrific people here who will try their best to support your efforts in turning your life around for the better.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
