At this point, if H is having PA, for my own mental health I can't focus on that. But I have going to have to put sex as a boundary. Prior to H moving out, sex was not a boundary for me, as I do know where H stands, and it didn't change my expectations. But now that he's out, not in our home every night, I don't know what/who he's doing, and will NOT compete with anyone.
I found this ground new meme on Pinterest that I made into my phone's wallpaper. It says "Don't expect her to play her part, if you have other women auditioning for her hole." It's too build my inner strength. I just put it on my phone yesterday, and last night when H was up here, I do feel it helped me to have the strength to not take his bait.
you are showing wisdom, strength and grow, meg24...
I have survived my very first 24-hour period with no contact. I told H yesterday morning when he left that I would see him Saturday. He said ok.
He just now sent me a text... he hopes my week is going ok, did D13 get back from 3-day school trip to Catalina, did she have a good time? He asks if it's ok if he comes up Sunday night and stays, or if it's not ok he'll make plans to see the kids during the week.
He can't go very long without contact. Interesting.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
So, H did a temp check this morning, annnnddddd I fell for it. He picked s21 up from his bowling tournament to spend the day together before the awards dinner. Shortly after leaving the bowling alley H texted me, asking what man I was seeing or talking to. I answered that I am not talking to or seeing anyone. I should have left it at that, but I didn't.
I said you are the one who wants to date other people, not me. Asked him what would even make him think that. He replied it was just a feeling. I said I have not desire to even look at anyone, I'm just relearning myself, and he's the one trying to figure things out. He replied again that it's hard for him right now because he's trying to find what he wanted from me and only me for so many years, and I show no interest in us so he thought I might have started to move on.
I texted back that I'm trying to give him his space, since showing interest in us, focusing on us, was pushing him away. I'm just working on myself. H replied you're absolutely right, I'm sorry.
I haven't initiated one single conversation/text with H. He can't seem to go more than 24 hrs without reaching out to me. I know it doesn't mean anything, but why does he do that?
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
Why does he do that? You already called it... He is temp checking... He knows he asked for space... He is not interested in fixing your marriage but is playing games with you when he says you are not interested... He knows you want to stay married... You need to stop falling for the bait, and you need to let him deal with the consequences of your giving him his space... In other words, he needs to deal with your detaching... You need to let him get there...
Meg - hang in there. A simple slip up is just that! Simple... and easy to pick yourself up and keep going foward.
Read my sitch - H did the very same thing to me. Started in with saying I had boyfriends all the time... and things like is that where you go with your boyfriend.
I like you would clarify that I have no boyfriend and I was there with co-workers (my H knows we only have women employees where I work)
I eventually learned just to say the truth - "No" and move on. I stopped clarifying it and adding more words. You will get there too!
My H said it would take a miracle for him to feel differently and he didn't believe in miracles. But, you know what? I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. We are a long way from being healed but I can now see its possible.
I have to remind myself to keep at what was working and stop doing what wasn't working. But, we are sharing AND making plans in the future which I didn't think would happen so quickly after some of the really harsh things he had said at one point.
I think there is a light for you too... Just remember the steps you need to take to get there. The hardest part for me was having the good days followed the next by H withdrawing again. Those were hard to digest but now its easy to see that he was still plagued with uncertainty.
I answered that I am CURRENTLY not talking to or seeing anyone.
See the above correction. And yes, should have left it at that. He'll ask again I'm sure. Next time just say this and move on. Don't get drawn into a convo about it.
Quote:
He can't seem to go more than 24 hrs without reaching out to me. I know it doesn't mean anything, but why does he do that?
Because he wants you to hang on as Plan B while he does whatever the hell he wants to. He needs that safety net in case his plans come crashing down. But here's the thing, as long as you hang on as Plan B he'll never want you to be anything more. Get out. Get a life. Make yourself the spouse only a fool would leave. Stop all pursuit. Leave him to the mess he's making. When he temp checks you, DO NOT tell him you're sitting around waiting for him. Quit putting up with his crap! YOU are the prize, not him. First you need to realize that. Then HE will realize it. I can't tell you how many women have come here in your exact same sitch, and patiently waited while their WAH sowed his wild oats. It's not until they get fed up and kick him out of their lives that the WAH suddenly realizes what he really needs was there all along. Unfortunately for them, usually by the time they figure it out and come back begging and pleading, the LBW doesn't want them back.
Well, we have a huge, whole family involved (mostly), blowout the other day. H was coming up to spend time with the kids (mostly s21 and d13). Long story short, his "blood started to boil" (his terminology) when he saw s19 on the road on his (son's) motorcycle. Son was supposed to be going up to the high country to get his truck unstuck from the snow (previous post).
Anyway... that didn't happen. H got to the house, called s19 told him to come back home, started yelling, saying various things, then said "f*#@ you all, you deal with it, you must not care about the expensive truck stuck in the woods." He kept going on, then s17 spoke up and asked H to leave. He was trying to protect his brother from something bad when he got home.
Anyway, H left, s17 left to friend's house, then H came back said he was packing the rest of his stuff. We yelled a lot back an forth as he packed. H then started to calm down. S19 came home, H was calm. Fighting went back and forth. Finally came to the point that we were still in the same spot. H is confused, feels he hasn't been getting his needs met by me for years, after years of telling me his needs and me doing "nothing". Same discussion, different day.
He left off saying he wanted to come back Tuesday for dinner and to spend time with kids, but only if everyone in family was comfortable. I checked, everyone was fine with it. So he's coming to spend time with kids this evening. I told the s17 and s19 to put on a happy face, don't avoid him. And if things go south again, we can honestly say that it was not any of us, he is the one in the sour mood (which we all know, even H has admitted he puts everyone in bad mood).
So that's my long story short. To give a detailed play-by-play would take a while, but we all survived. I had heart-to-heart with all the kids, told them they each have to form their own relationship with him.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
