New LBS, not sure if he's having LMC

[KitCat]

So Meg why did he come over? Was this a scheduled visit for your special needs son?

I find it a bit odd that he just moved out but yet is still having sleep overs?

Scheduled visits for your special needs child shouldn't require overnight visits on your H's part.

H is just angry. I think his comment about "normal" was to stir the pot? I think the best thing you can do is just keep smiling and be as pleasant as possible. IF he complains - validate... "I can understand why you might feel that way", "Oh, I was being quiet? I hadn't realized that"

He's a lot like my H. He doesn't want to hear the "but, I'm x,y or z". Not right now. He is looking to be angry.

Validating will diffuse the anger. It will make him think. You may not get a response you hoped for immediately but it will throw him off guard.

Now, you need to ask yourself what your boundaries are. H moved out and now he is sleeping over. Is this okay? Can he pick and choose what bed to sleep on at his convenience? What about your choice? You know your situation best but I would think he would value you move if you told him that you really wanted to give him his space and time right now and its confusing that he comes back and forth having only moved out a few days ago.

You are doing fine. Baby steps!!!!

[artista]

Today, Sunday. H left work lunchbox in usual spot, I opened to pull out trash. Saw his daily planner and log book. Didn't think anything of it. Every year he gets a new planner to write work hours in, but only uses it for a week or 2 then stops. I know I shouldn't have, but something in me decided to open it. He just started writing work hours in the past 2 weeks, and daily entries started with the birthday of some female friend on facebook. Someone I've never met. But, prior to my self-imposed exhile from FB, I saw many comments on H's posts back and forth between her and H. Funny thing, our s17's birthday was the day before hers, but he didn't have that marked, nor any of the other kids' birthdays either (he always has trouble remembering their birthdays). But he sure made a point to write hers down. So I looked forward a bit in the calendar, at least he wrote down the day I'm having my minor outpatient surgery so he can take me (like he said. But I'm still expecting him to back out, and not tell me until the day before, but I'm ready, I have a back up). It's taking every ounce of energy I have not to log in to FB to see what he's posting (haven't been on in almost 2 weeks).

i am not sure what you should do about this in your situation, but this would concern me...

[meg24]

So Meg why did he come over? Was this a scheduled visit for your special needs son? I find it a bit odd that he just moved out but yet is still having sleep overs? Scheduled visits for your special needs child shouldn't require overnight visits on your H's part.

This was a scheduled visit for special needs son, yes. We've put short term schedule on calendar, which does help. But I'm thinking the weekday visits are just going to confuse son, as he is still asking about other days during the week. Son told me last night he want Dad to stay my H, wants him to come home. I just tell him I know, I'm sorry I don't have answers for you, just think about today.

H is just angry. I think his comment about "normal" was to stir the pot? I think the best thing you can do is just keep smiling and be as pleasant as possible. IF he complains - validate... "I can understand why you might feel that way", "Oh, I was being quiet? I hadn't realized that"

You're very right, I think H is trying to stir the pot, or make me look like the "bad guy" because I'm not being "normal". It's okay, my kids know what's up, they see it all.

Now, you need to ask yourself what your boundaries are. H moved out and now he is sleeping over. Is this okay? Can he pick and choose what bed to sleep on at his convenience? What about your choice? You know your situation best but I would think he would value you move if you told him that you really wanted to give him his space and time right now and its confusing that he comes back and forth having only moved out a few days ago.

H said this back and forth right is now is to help mostly special needs son, but I almost wonder if it's something else, maybe for himself? He said he doesn't want to feel awkward when he's with us. Well gee, I think that boat has sailed.

We won't see him until Saturday, at special needs son's bowling tournament and awards dinner. He is going to take son to his new apartment in between the tournament and the dinner. That's 5 hours. I don't think he's spent 5 hours alone with this son since he was a baby. I'm pretty sure he won't again after this Saturday.

[SteveLW]

Meg, I can't remember if there was an OW or not? I think you didn't think so.

I read a couple of books on women's infidelity a few weeks ago. The author made an interesting remark. She said wives (and this would apply to husbands too) don't need their own place in order to "figure things out". They need their own place in order to sleep with other people.

I don't say this to upset you, I say it to make you realize what you are potentially dealing with. To face the reality of the situation. Very very very few people walk away from a marriage where there are no other accentuating circumstances (physical abuse, addiction, sexual abuse of others) without having another person they are leaving for.

[KitCat]

Steve - I don't entirely believe that. Spouses don't need separate places to have A's. They just don't.

Meg - I can tell you my H is NOT having an affair but truly believes 100% right now that he can't find his own happiness without a place of his own. Is he right? No, but here's the kicker - it's what he believes.

My H doesn't want the burden of being responsible for anyone else right now other than himself and his kids. That is why he wants space and time - to move out. Not because of an A.

NOW. Your H doesn't not need to spend the night when coming over for visits with special needs son. Honestly the overnight is probably what confuses him more. You've stated he is at the level of an 8yr old. 8yr olds are smarter than you think! From your post it sounds like your son is very routine oreiented - I get that. My son was high functioning autism level - long story on where he is today BUT, I get the calendar thing. It worked in our house for years. Visits to his dad's were very traumatic for YEARS. However, having his dad staying at my house overnight would not have done him any favors. Now, you know your son best and by all means having family time in your home is probably a great transition but don't use the excuse that H spends the night for your son's benefit.

If you are okay with H spending the night that is your choice and you know your situation best. I, however would have some boundaries for a spouse that just left the M home.

Of course your kids know what's going on when your H stirs the pot but this is YOUR chance to diffuse the situation. Smile. Validate - "I didn't realize I was being so quiet. Maybe you are right". It will diffuse the anger he is trying to create and throw him for a loop.

So Meg you have plenty of time to practice practice practice before Saturday. Go to a private place and be saying the words out loud. Come Saturday when H takes special needs son for a few hours. DO NOT MICROMANGE. Often times when spouses aren't doing individual parenting time its because they are being micromanaged or made to feel inferior.

NOW when you see H again be sure to say thank you for taking son to apartment. That's validating. That's being pleasant. If you want to save your marriage you are going to have to bite your tongue when talking with H right now. Don't let him take you down a dark path. Smile. Validate. Don't say any - but, xyz. You've got 2 days so practice! You can do this.

[artista]

Meg, I can't remember if there was an OW or not? I think you didn't think so.

the whole "unknown female's birthday on H's daily planner" and the back and forth Facebook comments between H and same female is suspect--imo... it does not mean a physical line has been crossed, but i suspect there is interest on H's part and perhaps on female's part...

[meg24]

Meg, I can't remember if there was an OW or not? I think you didn't think so.

I don't think this whole thing started with an OW, except maybe he was starting to get attention from someone. Or maybe hanging out with single friends from work, or guys from work who never want to go home to their family (as told to me previously in stories by H). Now there might be the beginnings of OW, I don't know. Frankly, right now, I can't expend any energy on that, then I would just focus on "competing" rather than being good for me.

Part of H's reasoning for needing own apartment (so he says) is because he had to cut off all emotion for me (overnight, basically) after so many years of me not meeting his needs (he states that the first bit of marriage was perfect, then I started "shutting down, shutting him out, not giving him affection"). Now he doesn't want to work on M anymore. This is where I'm struggling. For years I truly believed that I was a horrible wife who just couldn't get it together to give him everything he was asking for. Lots of self-reflection lately, and I for the life of me can't see that my actions or behavior changed that radically. What I can see is that we started having children, and my focus was split.

If anyone has any insight into this type of situation, I will accept any and all input.

[meg24]

Your H doesn't not need to spend the night when coming over for visits with special needs son. Honestly the overnight is probably what confuses him more. You've stated he is at the level of an 8yr old. 8yr olds are smarter than you think! From your post it sounds like your son is very routine oreiented - I get that.

If you are okay with H spending the night that is your choice and you know your situation best. I, however would have some boundaries for a spouse that just left the M home.

This is something that I have been thinking about. I was not expecting him to do this back and forth, and after last night with son, and today, I think son is more confused than ever. So this will probably be a boundary. I think H doesn't quite want to let go, maybe that's why he's doing it. But I can't do it.

So Meg you have plenty of time to practice practice practice before Saturday. Go to a private place and be saying the words out loud. Come Saturday when H takes special needs son for a few hours. DO NOT MICROMANGE. Often times when spouses aren't doing individual parenting time its because they are being micromanaged or made to feel inferior.

As far as H spending time with s this weekend, I'm not saying a word to him about anything. He can figure it out himself. I won't see H very much, I doubt he'll come to the actual tournament for very long (he has never wanted to watch son at during his regular bowling league days). He will probably just pick son up from the bowling alley, then come bring him to me at the awards dinner in the evening. So I don't believe there will even be a chance for any time of issue.

[SteveLW]

Steve - I don't entirely believe that. Spouses don't need separate places to have A's. They just don't.

You're right. But that isn't the point. The point is their own place make sleeping with other people so much easier. A) They have a place to do it. B) They aren't coming home to anyone asking where they've been, why they are freshly showered, whose cologne/ perfume is that you smell like. etc.

[meg24]

At this point, if H is having PA, for my own mental health I can't focus on that. But I have going to have to put sex as a boundary. Prior to H moving out, sex was not a boundary for me, as I do know where H stands, and it didn't change my expectations. But now that he's out, not in our home every night, I don't know what/who he's doing, and will NOT compete with anyone.

I found this ground new meme on Pinterest that I made into my phone's wallpaper. It says "Don't expect her to play her part, if you have other women auditioning for her hole." It's too build my inner strength. I just put it on my phone yesterday, and last night when H was up here, I do feel it helped me to have the strength to not take his bait.