Meg, so sorry for that. That has to be tough. Shows the selfishness of the WAS. This just breaks my heart. I could never do that to any child let alone a special needs child. But then I am not on this board because I have a problem.
I will keep your family in my prayers.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Journaling here, to build my strength against R talks when H comes tonight.
Since my last post Friday, well I've been up and down. I was half asleep when H came home later than usual Friday. He came into bedroom for minute, I asked if it was still raining out, should be turning to snow any time. H went back to kitchen, I fell asleep. All night long I could feel H put his hand on my hip, same things he's done pretty much every night of our marriage (except for the last 2 months, he's only done that maybe 25% of the time, when he's slept in our bed).
Very early Saturday morning I vaguely here him up moving around (this is his new Saturday routine, get up and leave before I'm awake), then leave. I woke up a bit later. Noticed he took the stack of boxes of his clothes that had been sitting packed since Tuesday night. But he didn't take anything else. Everything looks like he'll be back in the evening, for weekly family dinner (he said Tuesday he would attend).
Dinner time comes, text H if he will make it, all kids are home. 30 minutes later and no reply, decided not to make the kids wait any more. Then he texts that he won't make it back up the hill till Sunday afternoon.
Today, Sunday. H left work lunchbox in usual spot, I opened to pull out trash. Saw his daily planner and log book. Didn't think anything of it. Every year he gets a new planner to write work hours in, but only uses it for a week or 2 then stops. I know I shouldn't have, but something in me decided to open it. He just started writing work hours in the past 2 weeks, and daily entries started with the birthday of some female friend on facebook. Someone I've never met. But, prior to my self-imposed exhile from FB, I saw many comments on H's posts back and forth between her and H. Funny thing, our s17's birthday was the day before hers, but he didn't have that marked, nor any of the other kids' birthdays either (he always has trouble remembering their birthdays). But he sure made a point to write hers down. So I looked forward a bit in the calendar, at least he wrote down the day I'm having my minor outpatient surgery so he can take me (like he said. But I'm still expecting him to back out, and not tell me until the day before, but I'm ready, I have a back up). It's taking every ounce of energy I have not to log in to FB to see what he's posting (haven't been on in almost 2 weeks).
H will be home this evening, not sure for how long. I don't want to have any R talks, but something inside of me is chomping at the bit. We do need to talk about finances and putting his visits on the calendar for s21. I need strength.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
Can't tell you what the planner thing means if anything.
I can tell you at the beginning of my crisis point with H he was CONSTANTLY on his phone. Texting all kinds of people. Mostly female.
It drove me bananas... AND, he knew it irked me.
The minute I stopped letting it get to me. Didn't care who or what he was doing on his phone did started to stop.
Looking back he was just unhappy and reaching and grasping at anything to keep himself preoccupied - to not focus on us and trying to find his happiness.
Sunday evening with H home was disaster. I was fine until he asked how I was doing. I just seem to lose all self-control and progress when he's around.
Yes, we had R talk. Bad. At one point I mentioned that it felt like there was someone else paying attention to him. I mentioned that I don't understand what's going on because we're at a point in our M where we can focus more on each other since kids are getting older, and now he wants out. He totally bypassed the comment about someone else, jumped in on the focusing on each other. H said, again, that maybe it is MLC. He's been thinking about the future, how we're so opposite, until know we've had kids as diversion, but as we get older less diversions, how will that oppositeness bring us together? I told him just because we individually don't chose a particulare activity, we do it for the ones we love because we love that person. He seems to think we have to WANT to do the same things, rather than doing them because we love each other.
Anyway, H is going to come home a few nights a week for now, for the sake of s21. He's going to be home tonight. I'm not really looking forward to it. He texted me this morning, "try to have a good day, I'll see everyoe tonight". Don't know why, since it was already arranged.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
He's been thinking about the future, how we're so opposite, until know we've had kids as diversion, but as we get older less diversions, how will that oppositeness bring us together? I told him just because we individually don't chose a particulare activity, we do it for the ones we love because we love that person. He seems to think we have to WANT to do the same things, rather than doing them because we love each other.
This is *very* common WAS behavior. They'll start looking at personality match articles, astrological sign compatibility charts, and will bring to light any evidence they can find that you are not meant to be together.
Everyone is "so opposite" in some ways and "so the same" in other ways. It depends what you focus on.
That said, look what happened: H staked out a position that you two are incompatible.
You took the bait and argued with him, or tried to convince him that you are not incompatible.
That set you up as adversaries -- H was claiming "X!" and you were saying "No! Not X!"
That feeling of being opposed to you is what's going to reinforce H's need for more space.
If you said "I'm sorry you feel that way, I wonder what's on TV tonight?"
or "Oh yeah, the ways in which we're incompatible has always been a challenge"
The conversation has no where to go, and you're not staking yourself out as his adversary.
There's a strategy sometimes discussed here called "relationship Judo". In Judo, you lean in and use the attacker's momentum against them, versus trying to resist their momentum.
In relationship Judo, if someone wants a little space, you give them even more space. If they claim you're incompatible, you agree and give an example of how you're incompatible. etc. It diffuses their momentum and makes it feel like you're on the same team. Remember that the feelings matter much more than the words.
Try to take a vacation from what H is doing, thinking, planning, plotting. Pretend he's someone you barely know, who cares where he's going.
Now what are you going to do for you? What's important to you about the life you want to live? Do that.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Meg - this conversation about "having nothing in common" is the exact one my H said to me... nearly identical. And, like you our kids are getting older and we are nearly empty nesters.
I would caution on pointing out to him that its MLC. He needs to figure this out on his own.
I think the text you got today was your H trying... in his way he is trying. With that said don't place to much hope in it. It just shows he doesn't know what he wants. My H said he couldn't possibly find happiness while stuck in our marital home, but the bottom line is he just doesn't want to feel trapped.
I know its hard - I struggled too but once I stopped bringing up R talks life is has taken a lot of improvements. I hate the feeling of being in limbo but overall we are being so much more kind to each other AND that helps tons!!!
Your H has to figure out his place in the M as you enter this new phase. I feel your pain and I know its hard... its uncanny how similar our H's are.
I know I shouldn't fall for the R talk. But I can state that I do not start them. Each of the last few times for the last few weeks, he has started them. I just am not good at the validation part and walking away. Perhaps because that is one of his original complaints, that I don't communicate well enough, so I don't want to appear as if I'm doing "more of the same". I don't know. Maybe I'm just week. I don't have any problem, however, refraining from calling and texting.
Hopefully when he comes up tonight I can hold my ground. My strength and independence was one of the things that he was originally attracted to, so why is it so hard for me to get that back?
As far as GAL, I just spend lots of time with my kids. They're all big, so I know it's not necessary. But I like hanging out talking with them, and they seem to come out of their rooms and talk to me a whole lot more when H isn't there. Other than that, I am planning a road trip to see a very close friend of mine that I haven't seen in about 2 years. She knows both H and I inside and out, and knows I need her comfort.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
I jump in and handle issues to fix them. I tend to take over probably leaving my husband feeling he can't even pay the light bill. NOW, some of that is his own fault. He complains and complains that he just wants to pay is own bills but when push comes to shove he ends up leaving it for me to do... ugh...
Anyway Meg, I am here to tell you that when I do get it right AND validate my husband along with walking away... it works. This is a serious 180 for me. Just listening and not fixing it??? Its tough but I see results so I need to keep working at it!
It's not instantaneous but usually by the next day I notice something different about his demeanor to me.
You know your husband and I'm pretty sure you can come out with something typical he might say - so practice your response. If needed write it down. Say it over and over. That way when it comes time to deliver it won't seem entirely foreign.
I have a long way to go to truly validate but like DR says... they will even notice the small steps!
Last night with H at home went ok. He talked about health problem he's having, asked question about medication. I didn't have much information to offer. We sat down to dinner, he complimented that it was good, I said thank you.
After dinner I sat down to watch TV before cleaning up. After everyone else left the room he comes to me and says that he is trying to have a normal evening, with normal conversation. And if I am not going to try for some normalcy then he won't even bother coming over. He said at dinner I didn't even acknowledge him and I mumbled to him when he said something to me. WTH?? I said I'm sorry he sees things that way, I am trying to be normal too, I said I'm sorry if you said something to me that I didn't hear, or if you didn't hear my answer to something you said. End of it.
H went to bed first, I went to bed after cleaning kitchen, he fell asleep few minutes later. Again, all night long, his hand was on my hip, like every night for the past 22 years (with the exception of the last 2 months).
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
meg I'm in the same boat. Seeing positive changes but can't yet trust them.
Remember detaching is NOT about being distant and ignoring. Being angry and silent are just as bad as being needy and sad. Remain upbeat. Smile be happy. Consistently no matter what he says or does. Detaching is about not letting him dictate your emotional state. You are emotionally detached.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
