waw maybe #3

[bhappy2]

Journaling:

Great night last night at the social club, incredibly fun stuff and i see myself becoming more involved with people. Played darts and i won every game so I decided that I should sit down and let some others play I didnt want to hog the board. They were calling me a ringer, it was all in good fun.

W is now not saying anything to me at all, no more saying hello. I have accepted this and continue on with my life. I have taken notice that she is trying to be extra nice to our children. They still do not realize the gravity of the sitch. W came in today and her hair was all frizzed out looking like she is 20 years old, D23 immediately called her out on it.. she even asked W what are you trying to do.

Today cleaned kitchen, backyard and now going for a run. Life is going to be great, I get inducted into social club tomorrow.

[bhappy2]

Updating:

W came home from the library with 3 romance novels, all Jackie Collins. I really believe my W is MLC. Stll dressing like she is 20 and wearing her hair like the 80's. She is def not as cold to me but we really dont talk anymore.

I am not focused on her just wanted to update my observations.

Tonight induction to social club, and Sat night big party for one of my frinds 50th birthday.

[bhappy2]

Updating:

W has been very nice and pleasant, she has come to me several times over the last few days to talk. She even told me about her doctors app. where the doc asked her to take all kinds of blood test as he believes she may have a hormonal imbalance. She said the test take a few weeks. The doc also wants her in more often because she has a Thyroid condition and he upped her dosage for that. W has not offered this information with me for the last 11 months and it was nice to just have a normal convo.

W's mom came home from rehab for surgery on her leg and w and her family are really happy. MIL's birthday is Friday and they are having a cake for her. I was not asked to go but thats fine.

I look at my W and I am not sure I even want to save my M anymore I just do not know what to think. I will come out of the D much better off finacially and I am starting to think this might not be so bad. I still love her but I know there is no quick path to recovery.

TBH sometimes i look at her and I just see ugliness, pure and simple self centered ugliness.

[bhappy2]

Updating:

I am no closer to D then I was the day she filed and this is now really annoying. I have done all the necassary paperwork and the delays quite bothersome. My L says at this rate you will not be D'ed until next year. W's L does not respond to any messages again, phone calls emails and now we sent paperwork over by courier.

I have been GAL with the social club and I have met so many great people. I decided to take it slow there so that I can ease my way in. The place has a full catering hall and bar. I was asked if I want to guest bartend and I am deciding if I want to do that.

Still running 5 times a week as this is so good for me mentally and physically.

I am going to a fund raiser for cancer in about a month and its going to be full dinner open bar, DJ. My entire family will be there so it should be good, normally I would have skipped an event like this but not anymore!

[TBSakaJ9]

B happy in da hizzle! So BH do you want a D or not? You have had a lot of time to think, ponder and get your head right. No right or wrong answer but where are you at? What is going on inside that BH brain?

[bhappy2]

I sometimes feel like I dont even know my W anymore. Then she will do something nice and I fall flat on my face, thinking ok shes starting to come back. Only now do I realize she was just manipulating me.

Yes I want to still save my M, it will be a tremendous amout of work. I am not afraid to D anymore either as I have seen there is much happiness out there. I have met so many good people.

So I am in limbo myself, if she was to come to me and say she wants to R I am just going to say I am not sure anymore.

[TBSakaJ9]

Sounds good BH......so you are willing to wait for as long as it takes? Just trying to see where you stand.

[bhappy2]

Updating:

Went to a great party last night at the social club. meeting so many good people, found several people who like to run so I am going to have to step up my runs so I can run with these guys.

Picked up D19 from college yesterday, W didn't want to come but she was sure to help unload the truck. She also had plenty of food ready when we got home. She doesnt really speak to me at all unless I intiate. At this point I really do not.

She came to me before I left to remind me to take the hand truck and to drive safely. REALLY!! Thats what I need you do tell me? I was sitting in my room with the door closed and she came and knocked on my door... Weird... to say the least.

So we are now 4.5 months since she filed and we have gotten 0, nothing accomplished. Other than filling out my financials twice, absolutely nothing has been accomplished.

IC cannot help me with this and stated that this is a unusual situation. She cannot believe my W is still in the house and stated that if your W was in an active A she would be gone. I dont know and at this point I am moving forward.

BTW I do not snoop on anything anymore and havent in about 6 months.

Do you think D runs in families? My W has 6 siblings and all but one have been D'ed. Some have been D'ed twice. The oldest brother only dates married woman. He has never had a girlfriend that was not married.

[bhappy2]

Updating:

W is increasingly nicer and nicer, i do not see any manipulation here bc she asks for nothing in return. She starts convos with me regularly and I see a real difference in her attitude. I can now recognize when its time to back off, as she starts to pull away in our convos. Have not talked about D in I dont know how long, but its been a while.

She does not occupy my mind space anymore. I do not care where she is going and with who. She is making it known to me where she is kind of indirectly. I find it kind of humorous that after 27 years together we have to play these type of games.

I do not know whether or not she is changing her mind about getting D'ed and at this point it doesnt matter. I am here and she knows where I stand. If she wants to go full court press with the L's then I am ready.

W was going to wear a really nice mini skirt to work today but D23 and D19 put her on blast so W changed into pants. She will listen to the kids... lol

[SteveLW]

bh, great. One of the other anti-divorce experts I read and listened to talked about how sometimes the problems in a MR were not THE problem. His point was that a lack of connection sometimes causes spouses to pull away, walkaway, cheat, etc. He concentrates on two things:

1. Time
2. Reconnecting

He reiterates that the two things go hand in hand, that you don't just reconnect overnight, and there is no huge change you can make to cause reconnection to spontaneously happen. But consistent improvements over time. So he says you need to work on you (IE if you were controlling, stop it. If you were verbally abusive stop it. Etc). And then use talk charges (short 30-60 second fun talks to your spouse, in person or over the phone, and then you end the call). Touch charges (non-sexual touching, like patting their shoulder as you walk by, or putting your hand on their back as you pass behind them in the kitchen, etc). And then date night. Obviously depending on the situation, you might not be able to do all 3, but you slowly work up them over time.

It sounds like you might be in a sitch where you need to start instituting some of that to try to reconnect. This expert says what he normally sees is a that a couple comes to him to fix a particular issue, but by focusing on the MR and improving it the particular issue resolves itself.

Food for thought, but keep up the great work!