Living in the Present, only Looking Forward

[Coconut]

Went to a spoken word open mic tonight, wow, if you haven't been to one, put it on the GAL list.. Think TEDtalks.. One of the readers read a "Letter to my daughters mothers boyfriend" who was moving in.

Spoke to the fact that he doesn't dislike him because he is filling his role, but that he wants to like him because they both are what his daughter will know. That they both will be the foundation of who daughter will eventually date, and both being better men is what he wants his daughter to face.

I am not able to describe it as eloquently as he did, but I couldn't help but to give a standing ovation, which many followed. Later learned that in 2 1/2 years of this event going on, it was the first standing ovation ever given.

That mans poem earned my respect and the standing ovation.

[Ginger1]

Went to a spoken word open mic tonight, wow, if you haven't been to one, put it on the GAL list.. Think TEDtalks.. One of the readers read a "Letter to my daughters mothers boyfriend" who was moving in.

Spoke to the fact that he doesn't dislike him because he is filling his role, but that he wants to like him because they both are what his daughter will know. That they both will be the foundation of who daughter will eventually date, and both being better men is what he wants his daughter to face.

I am not able to describe it as eloquently as he did, but I couldn't help but to give a standing ovation, which many followed. Later learned that in 2 1/2 years of this event going on, it was the first standing ovation ever given.

That mans poem earned my respect and the standing ovation.

I wish I was there for that one. It is what I am living now. Actually reading it brings tears to my eyes, I probably would have been bawling if I was there.

Losing my husband was not the hardest part of this journey. Having to introduce a new parental figure who came in the way she did has been my biggest struggle. It can't even really be explained. But you can see a bit of it in my most recent post.

I watched her stepmother the other day soothe my daughter before her first ice skating lesson. I think her dad was being tough on her on the way there and she gave D10 a pep talk along the lines of "don't worry about what daddy says, you know how he can be, you will do great" She is my daughter's protector there.

I made that about me, sorry, but kudos to that guy who could get up there and talk about it.

And I love reading how proactive in GAl you are and how you are really exploring new things! I wish I could join your kayaking group, I have always wanted to do it. I imagine in 7 years when my kid is off to college, I'll be living life a lot like you (granted I don't ruin anymore body parts) I don't even see it with a partner, believe it or not. If my mind goes directly to that time, It's me doing a whole bunch of things I never thought I would.

keep up the good work, you inspire me and give me something to look forward to.

[Coconut]

It's not easy to see someone else bonding with and raising your child, that's why I was so moved, because his focus was on doing what is best for his daughter, not on himself, willing to make himself vulnerable for her benefit. You demonstrate that strength Ginger, I stand and applaud your dedication to doing what's best for her. There are lots of factors that you can't control, but because of your commitment to raising her proper, she will grow up knowing how to be a loving, strong, self sufficient woman.

As for my social life/activities, when I read your statement "I love reading how proactive in GAL you are", it made me realize something, I'm no longer GAL; I'm living my life now. I no longer forcing myself to look for things to do to get out and meet people and try new things, I'm in a place where I have a life and am just enjoying living it. That's not to say that I don't want to meet new people and try new things, just that I'm not doing it so I can GAL, I'm doing it because that is my life.

Over this last month I've realized how social I really am, I find myself feeling more comfortable having conversations because I know the importance of listening, understand how to validate others feelings, and most importantly no longer feel the pressure of wanting to say the right things so someone will like me, and just being me. In no way am I saying I'm great at doing all those things every time, but considering 3 years ago I never thought about consciously doing any of those things, I've come a long way.

And to touch on the escape room we went to, it went well. Because we were such a big group, they had us pay and then brought us to another building with a very long table to hang out wait for everyone. I was paying while talking with two other ladies in our group when, let's call her gg for gamer girl, came in. I looked up and said hello to her, introduced her to the other ladies, basically tried to make her feel comfortable and to show that I do remember her (we haven't talked since first game night on Super Bowl Sunday, although I have caught her looking at me from across the room). We all walked to the other building and she sat on the far end of a very long table, by herself. I walked around, gave some hugs said my hellos and then went and sat next to gg, I was going to sit closer to everyone else and then invite her to move closer, but decided to take the opportunity to talk mostly one on one. As more people showed up, we started to get people around us, but that was ok because I felt I had shown an interest in her, but I was also there to hang out with friends, not to try and get a speed date session in.

When we started splitting into groups for the rooms, I was the first to pick because it was the only room I had not done yet, and she chose to join my group. Her and I worked very well together in the room (maybe because of the gaming experiences?), not intentionally working together but bouncing ideas off each other when clues were found, the rest of the group were having a hard time figuring things out and getting frustrated. I don't want to make it sound like we were only interacting with each other, cause the whole group was involved. Anyway, in the end we got close, but didn't escape. But it was fun and I had a good time.

Most of us were doing a cooking class after, but gg was leaving to go to the game night and asked if I'd be going there later, told her I wasn't going, I was hanging out with the singles group after cooking class. she mentioned a painting class (drink and paint) we are doing next weekend and I told her I would like it if she would join us.

Spent a total time of about 1 1/2 hrs with gg, it went well, no crazy connection feeling, but I do believe there is a shared interest to getting to know each other more. It was nice getting to socialize outside the gaming night, cause I've never felt comfortable showing interest in that dynamic. When I got home that night, I messaged her on meetup that I was happy she went, that I thought if it was just the two of us I think we would have escaped and that I had fun. She replied this morning with I agree and some blushing smiley emoji.

So now we'll see if she goes to the painting thing.

[Coconut]

hmm, holding posted something about tests that woman give men to check their strength, like saying "I don't want to talk about it" when they actually want to talk about it. I didn't know the term $hit tests, but after reading some comments on it decided to look it up. to keep this short, I'm just gonna sum it up by saying that woman have lots of choices and these tests are supposedly ingrained in them to see who is a Man and will do "the right thing" when it comes to the W rather than just doing what she says.

Anyway, it got me thinking, I have somewhat altered my personality in that I consciously try to refrain from over explaining myself (NGS), when I have something to say I make sure it's heard, but I try and keep it focused on what I want. Anyway, it's a work in progress but I do notice the change I've made so far and it seems effective.

But then it got me thinking about dating, or more specifically showing an interest in getting to know someone. With gg, I went out of my way to show that I was interested in getting to know her the other night, I sat next to her instead of sitting in the group as I would of normally of done, I made sure to get her alone as she was leaving so I could say goodbye and letting her know I would like her to come to the painting night. But I wonder if it would be better for me to just tell her I'd like to get to know her better and ask her out one on one.

But I also feel like had I asked her out, I would kind of be committing to dating her right now and I would prefer to get to know her a little better first (since if it doesn't work i'll still be seeing her at game nights).

I think I might be seeing the answer as I think this through. So as I see it I have three options:
1. Continue to show an interest without actually stepping up - risk being friend zoned.
2. Ask her out - if it doesn't work out risk having game night become a little awkward
3. Just keep doing me, stop showing an interest or trying to manipulate ways to spend time with her and just talk to her when it organically happens (by circumstance or by her coming to me), and after getting to know that I'm interested, then ask her out.

[Coconut]

I've folded to peer pressure, I've been convinced to go to a Latin dance night Wednesday. This is a big deal for someone with two left feet (you should of seen me in my tango class), but let's face it, salsa dancing is sexy and worth the impending embarrassment sure to come. Oh boy, wish me luck...

[Holding]

C'Nut, I like your approach of not over explaining yourself.

With GG, I suggest you go with approach #3. You should show an interest when the moment arises, but trying to manufacture ways to spend time with her will seem a little needy and probably be transparent anyway. Play it cool. Wait for some signs from her that SHE has interest in YOU.

Good luck with the dancing, man. I also suffer from having two left feet, and dancing has always been uncomfortable for me. Let us know how it goes.

[Holding]

Oh, I forgot to comment on this:

But I also feel like had I asked her out, I would kind of be committing to dating her right now and I would prefer to get to know her a little better first (since if it doesn't work i'll still be seeing her at game nights).

"Committing to dating" is a phrase that jumped out at me here. And I say this as someone who tends to want things to get serious in a hurry, once I've decided I like someone. But "committed to dating" is almost an oxymoron if you think about it. There's really no commitment in dating, until you both decide there's a commitment. Assuming the date doesn't end in a crash and burn scenario, there's no reason you couldn't continue to hang out with her or be her friend at game nights.

[DonH]

I've got to say Coconut, for a guy who really doesn't like/want to do a lot of things beyond your comfort zone, you are awesome at doing just that! You first pushed yourself to do the meet ups and now salsa for a terrible dancer! I wish I had those guts. Actually I do, there is not much, if pushed, I won't do. The problem is, I don't often push myself. I HATE to dance - absolutely HATE IT even though I know it would help my social activity. I'm just very impressed by your GAL

As for the "committing to date" I get it. Once you cross that line it's hard to go back. Not hard for me, mind you, but hard, or perhaps confusing for the woman. Am I correct ladies? It's just hard to go from a real date to just hanging out as friends. I think that's what you are saying. Still, I've had multiple dating Rs without ever going on a single date. Confusing? What I'm saying is we do enough together either in groups or alone as friends to know she's not for me. It's almost like dating without really dating. Am I understanding you Nut?

[Coconut]

ugh, just gave a terrible presentation to a group of new hires. Usually I am able to get people interested in what I'm saying, manage to make them laugh a few times, and actually get answers when I throw questions out. Just left a presentation that I actually had to encourage people to stand if they needed to (lots of struggling to keep eyes open), I was monotone, kept losing my train of thought, etc... Ugh, that was embarrassing.

Anyway, I get that dating doesn't require a commitment, but lets face it, there is usually one person that's more into it than the other. Which is fine if you don't really see the other person if you stop dating. But I've seen her around 5 times in the last 5 weeks, so what if I wasn't interested in continuing dating her and then I met someone else that I wanted to bring to game night... that might be awkward, right?

I am not too worried about things being awkward, it's not that big of a deal to me if it is. I'm just thinking if I get to know her a little more before asking, I will minimize the risk of it being a one and done situation.

I once had a GF that I met at a gas station and asked her out, and I met another when I went for a haircut and when she was done cutting my hair I asked her out, but all my other girlfriends were friends that evolved into relationships. So yes donH (by the way my name is Donnie) I get the dating without really dating reference.

Dating is really just a term used to describe "getting to know each other", although the benefit of defining it as dating (rather than friends) is you're more likely to get some action at the end of the night.

[Coconut]

Just got a late night call... No not a booty call, although maybe that would of been almost as good... Anyway I digress, my realtor just called and the seller agreed to my request for all the money to repair the findings during the inspection..

I gave what I considered a low ball offer on the house, I requested twice what I thought was fair in money towards repairs, and I got it all..

Folks, I'm on cloud 9 right now, I'm happy with this path I'm on.