Former WH, now LBS Please Help, close to Give Up

[betheoa]

How do you know this, did you overhear a conversation, or were you snooping and reading her texts/ emails with GF? I'm trying to figure out if this is something she is doing in front of you which would clearly be unacceptable and would demand some kind of response from you (in my opinion anyway) or if you are reading her texts in which case you may be reading things into it ("talking about him like a school girl").

There is not such a disrespect in front of me, i am trying to shut down any attempt to disrespect in front of me.
I have listened some conversations and read texts, of course i have "reading things into it".

With whom, OM or GF? If you are going to lay out a boundary it needs to have consequences. What are your consequences?

NC with OM, my WW is not aware that i know what she talk to her GF. In general my WW lie or/and trickle trout to every one around her, just to appear cool girl. She obviously use OM2 attentions, as opportunity to look cool and free woman to the girl around her.

I could not see any other consequences instead leaving her and the kids. Leaving like in house separation is something that i cannot handle well, i have go back to polite and attentive person, even more i do not want to behave cold in front of the kids.

Just to say. At the moment my WW is fall in love to OM2. They do not have SEX, kiss or other physical thinks. There is not future planes of them to be together or something like that. There is not " i love you", occasionally some emoticons with kisses or harts.
She pursuing OM2 very hard, to write to her, to come for coffee, to talk to her. OM2 i younger 12 years. It is look like he use his free/boring time to contact her.
She do not talk with me about him.

I am preparing to leave, when /if she meet him like a date (go for dinner/lunch).
I am concern how this will affect the kids, i think mentally i will handle living her a go foreword with my life if she not agree NC and behave like married woman in future. If i leave she will not handle herself and the kids financially.

Oder option about consequent is to cut her down, when she start speaking about future investment that she want "us" to do (buy new flat and pay for it in next 4 years)
yhenks

[sandi2]

What you are currently doing is not working well enough to stop her contact with OM. It is good that you stopped having a conversation about her and the OM. It is good that you stopped initiating texting and calls to her throughout the day. But this is not enough. Now you must do something else.

Then she sta really nagging - like how I cheated on her an so on. And she is free now but do not want any man to be with her . And she is not doing nothing wrong

.

She is using your past mistake as her excuse to have OM. She said she is free because you cheated on her. She is wrong. She is not free, because she is married. Her actions with OM are not appropriate for a married woman.

I think it is time you confront her and tell her you know what she has been doing. Do not tell her how you got the information! But if you confront her and tell her she must end contact with the OM, then you must be prepared to separate. If she promises to stop all contact with OM, then you do not have to separate. I think she will be nice to you and make you believe everything is fine. However, I don't think she will keep her promise to you. I think she will sneak contact with OM, and lie to you. So, you may have to separate then.

You turned to another woman because it had been so many years without sex with your W. It has been 5 years of no sex from your W. No physical affection. This arrangement will not change, if she does not get help for the rape issues. When did she tell you about the rape? Have you ever asked her parents about it?

If you knew she would never have sex with you again, are you willing to stay in a M with no sex for the rest of your life? I think she wants you for a friend, but not for a H.

I am not pushing you to do anything you don't want. You asked for help, and this is all I know to suggest. Did you talk to a lawyer?

Do not purchase a new flat. Never go into more debt when your W is interested in another man. It will makes life harder for you!

[betheoa]

Thanks Sandy.
No I am not wiling to leave without sex. I turn to another woman after many years of sex starving marriage. After my confession about my affair there no sex for 5 years already.

Her parents do not know about rape.
I know from beginning.

I am waiting her to go on date or before that.

I think will hold any investment...till something changed.


She suspect know that I track her FB
So I am waiting provocation (but she is not sure)

I will not agree to live in marriage like this.

Thanks being with me.
Soon will write situation from yesterday.

She check me by phone often. Where I am. When will come home.

The new flat is temp check I know.

[betheoa]

Hi there, so finally i left the house, so there is what happens:

Last weeks our iterations was good and pleasant.WW has talk about future and the new flat, that we should buy. I did not refuse to discus, but stay neutral "not enthusiastic at all".
We really had good time, there was not any intimacy (of course).
There was back rub and feed rub (me massage her), at her very pleasant request.
She kept contact OM2 by FB, and ones see him at her work place (he come for hair cut). After him visit her, she FB him about how when him come back after 10 days, they will go on dinner. So i tried to hold my emotions.
So there was not attempts for disrespect in front of me. No FB text in front of me.
There was disrespect while talking to her GF, haw she will see OM2, and will not allow me to dictate her life and so on, also she lie her GF about how we behave each other , when we are at home. She says to her GF, that my WW do relay talk to me, or other (unpleasant)behaviors, but the realty is that my WW behave very pleasant to me.

So yesterday we had wedding anniversary, day before that while we were glossary, i take one chocolate (and said i will be for tomorrow), i just wanted to notice the date, but nothing like (being exited).
So what happened yesterday:
At the morning we drink coffee, and start clean the house.
At some point, i had a call from work about the emergency situation, so i must go there. I propose to my WW, if she want to come with me, she respond that, may be it will take time for me to done, and she do not want stay at the car (waiting for me). I did not insist.

Whale driving, my gut filing wast that she will use my absence (not be at home) to FB OM2. So i was wright, they talk about OM2 new flat and the issue around the flat, as well as my WW tel him that she (we) are considering buying new flat. Casual thing - like just friend conversation.

So i went back at home, i put a lot of effort to be relaxed, and not show i know that she contact him.
I make my self tea, and start do some things and chat with her about casual thing. She ask me to come next to her, to show me some sport video clip on her FB. I seat next to her, she ask me to rub her legs, while we watch the clip - at this time i was known - that OM2 was not red her last text and she was known as well. So all the time while was next to her i was preparing my self, for the moment OM2 will text back. So while we read some other page (not the FB), there was the signal about FB chat, i was keep rub her legs and waiting what she will do, so she played as nothing happened, and wait until screen turn off. I become silent, she ask me what is wrong, i ask are you going to see who was Fb chat? She respond, she know who was, the ask in not respectful way, why i ask her this: i answered : open the screen - there was OM2.
My first reaction was, to tell her that i will told the kids, that i will be missing the home for a month (work related things), and will use this time to found constant place to stay (like physical separation), she say she would want to talk withe me before talk to the kids. She ask why i am doing this, i respond that we already talk about this, and she did not do nothing about it (cut the OM2), i propose her to write to OM2 no contact letter in front of me, she refuse. She told me that this is an ultimatum from me to her, in order to stay to live with her and the kids, and she will heat me for that, i respond that her ultimatum for me is to accept her friendship with OM2, i said that i will not respect my self if i am doing this any more, i said there was enough time past a why, so i do not want to live like this any more. I ask her are you going to cut with him wright now, wright here, she start talk BS (but in reality says NO), so i went to the bed room and start pack some clothes.
She come to the bed room and ask me if there is OW, i said no, i said i am leaving because i do not want live like this. Then she start talk softly to me, and telling me there is not any relationship with OM2, that he is not pressure her at all, and he do not want nothing from her, and she is the one initiate the contacts (about this, she is write), There was the speech there just friend and so on, my respond was i will not live, in a marriage like this. She told she was expecting this, leaving her because she not behave like a wife (sex and intimacy), i respond that i am leaving not because of this - she respond that the real reason to leave is not OM2. I stop talk an continuous to pack my clothes. So there was 10 -15 minutes more talks like this (repeated the same things).
before to leave she start threatening me, that until now she was not allow any other men to touch her, but she will reconsider this. I did not react to this.
Then she said that will be the end, and there is not way back ever...and so on and so on.
She ask me to put out my wedding ring, i said will do when i choose, she said to put it wright now, i said give me your hand, to take out your wring then you will take out my, she said she will do with her wring what she wants, i respond i will do the same.
before leaving i told the kids about living for long time, and will hear on the phone and will see when they want to see me and it is possible for me to met them. They did not understand what happened, and accept this like something normal (i have work to do - because of this will not be at home).
I left the house, did not say nothing to my wife.

So i went at work (there was an emergency).
some hour later my WW call me, i did not answer. She call again, so i answer, she ask where i am, i said at work, she ask did i found place to stay, i said there was emergency (at work) so i will found the place later. She ask when i am going to take my other things from home - i said when i found place to live. The she tell me that she put me out from her FB to be tagged like husband. i said ok, then she said that she was doing this because i have done it, i respond i did not do nothing. Latly i found she do not put me out from my husband position in her FB (she played something). I said ok bye.

So all evening she was FB chat with OM2, she tried to put conversation about relationships, but he do not go deep into the topi. She did not told him about my leaving or other issue from today.

So here i am, i left, i am scared, i am doubt my self (it is right, am i controlling her, is her filing for OM2 are like just friends)....but...it is done, if i go back and said i was wrong i will not have any chance for her respect never.

So in your opinion, how often i can call to the kids?
If my wife call me, should i take the call?
If she ask to go back at home, how to respond?
What to expect from her as WW, she is very angry that i put down her normal life (stability from me and trill from OM2). I told her that i understand that she want the stability and family things from me and the trill filing from OM2, but i will not live like this any more. I told her that i had enough (OM1 and OM2), and she had time to work things out and change it, but she did not. In general her statement is that i leave her and the kids, i was cheating and separate from her then and she was not cheating and did not did nothing wrong.

Support me to stay where i am, for the first time i am doing something like this, i am feel guilty...

thanks in advance

[betheoa]

please help me to read into it - this morning my WW send me this message on FB (it is not shown to her that i have read it). Please tell me how or haw not to respond..please.

the message is like this " I gave up to be a woman, just to handle the life. When we take a decision for our self's it is important to take by our self's, so because of that i no longer influence your decisions.This is your life.I love you, and this probably will not change ever.
I believe in this your derision and support you to feel good and to respect your self.
I understood what i mean for you and respect that. Take a breath and feel the pleasure of the moment that you want.
I want only for all of us to be healthy, the rest is to be aware, that everything we do is right for each of us.
You make a 360 degree turn, for this courage and will is needed. I do not wanted this, so i choose to be with you as you are, without change you, because i wanted to be with the kids. It did not work out, and you decide to go finding happiness and self respect, i believe you will find thous, because the price of this is too high.
I will be next to you as a mother of your children and will respect this you decision to the end of my life.
I doubt it will be necessary, but if you ever consider to come back to me, do not inform me, yesterday you take your decision, and i admire you about that!
I wish you luck.
I had a plans, which can be achieved only being together, for the sake of kids well being, to avoid them living our life in the past (before you make it good money). Things now are different, and i hope they will be right.
I had uncountable reasons when i must leave you, but i did not, i stayed to have our family. I did it because i left a way, me dignity, self respect, pain, humiliation and stayed to the end..you put this end.
From now on health and strand for you, me and the kids."

So that is her text to me, in respond of my leaving yesterday. I ask her if she cut contact with OM2, she refuse, then i pack some clothes an leave.
Thanks in advance

[sandi2]

You have shown much strength and courage. I am not sure if I understand the translation of your W's message, but I understand that she refuses to end contact with the OM. Until she agrees to no more contact with OM, you should not agree to live with her.

So in your opinion, how often i can call to the kids?

Every day, as much as you want.

If my wife call me, should i take the call?

You should tell her not to contact you unless it is for 3 reasons. #1 is about the kids.
#2 she ends contact with OM. #3 is for business matters.

If she ask to go back at home, how to respond?

Ask if she has told OM no more contact. You don't go back to her, unless she stops all contact, and no more cutting OM's hair.

What to expect from her as WW, she is very angry that i put down her normal life (stability from me and trill from OM2). I told her that i understand that she want the stability and family things from me and the trill filing from OM2, but i will not live like this any more. I told her that i had enough (OM1 and OM2), and she had time to work things out and change it, but she did not. In general her statement is that i leave her and the kids, i was cheating and separate from her then and she was not cheating and did not did nothing wrong.

She has been in control of your emotions for a very long time. She does not like that you take control from her. She will try to act in different ways to you, to get the benefits of the life she had with you. She tries to make you feel guilty for you turning to OW for sex. She wants to punish you more. When you left her, you take her power to punish you.

She will test you. She may lie to you. You are to believe nothing, until she stops having other men in her life. You must stay strong. You have nothing to say to her if she contacts OM. Understand?

[betheoa]

Thanks Sandy, i relay waiting to here this. Yes i will be strong.

I am not sure if I understand the translation of your W's message, but I understand that she refuses to end contact with the OM. Until she agrees to no more contact with OM, you should not agree to live with her.

I was asking about her message - what dose mean? She do not ask question, just gilt trip, i sow like this. My translation was very close.
Her writing to me in general, is that I make the decision to live and she will support this decision and respect me for doing that (no longer accept that), and she will never go back to me, or allow me to go back to her.

You should tell her not to contact you unless it is for 3 reasons. #1 is about the kids.
#2 she ends contact with OM. #3 is for business matters.

should i support her financially?

She will test you. She may lie to you. You are to believe nothing, until she stops having other men in her life. You must stay strong. You have nothing to say to her if she contacts OM. Understand?

Yes i have understand. So i am going just to close her message, and leave like this.

Now i am homeless :), with some clothes in the car.
Of course i am in fuzzy staid of mind, but there is a feeling, i have reach something different.

Sandy, i appreciate very much your respond, i gives me strength.

[sandi2]

I suggest you check about financial support where you live. Do not ruin your credit by having unpaid bills in your name. I would not directly hand her money. Does she have access to your banking accounts?

[betheoa]

I suggest you check about financial support where you live. Do not ruin your credit by having unpaid bills in your name. I would not directly hand her money. Does she have access to your banking accounts?

yes she has debit card from my account, i gave it to her many years ago, she almost never use it.
We never split our finances or any thing in that mater.
I will see if she spend from the card and will cut the access.


I have a question:
We go to do sport as family with kids marital art. Normal because my work schedule we go together only at Saturday, the rest of the time, i went in the next group, and we have time just to say hi. Should i continuous do this, went on the same place? and do it together with WW and the kids in Saturday?

[betheoa]

She call me, i bring the phone,
she ask if i cal talk,
i said yes.
She ask me where i am,
i said at work,
she ask if i found place to leave,
i respond did not have time yet, i have a lot work to do.
She ask me if i will tell her, when found the place,
i respond OK.
Then she ask i will not keep you on the phone if you have work- i said OK
She ask me if i have something to tell her,
i respond i already told what i have to say
the say bay, and close the phone.
I think she was wondering if i track her FB, whale all evening yesterday day and all today, she FB OM2.

I was very short, and not wiling to talk.
I am filling sad. I thought i will forgive everything, but first it should stop.
it is strange....in the past (1 year ago) in situation after fight or what ever, i have waited the smallest bite from her to start talk about want to be together and so on ....pursuit like crazy, in general this is not change nothing. The reals change in her attitude was when i start to hold my ground in front of the kids, and not call her, text or what ever pursuit.
of course this change was not enough.