This is call MLC and it's mass confusion and mixed signals. That's why it is very important to step back, detach lovingly and try not to over analyze their every word and move. One minute she's all lovey dovey to you and the next she's talking about doing something different. She's bouncing off the walls.
You really do need to step way, way back and allow her to founder in the ocean of confusion and find her way back to the real world. You can't help her because you didn't break her. Keep the focus on you and your family. She needs to do this on her own. You are still trying to look at her as your "old wife" and this woman is someone very different from the one you knew.
Step back! The more you try to talk to her about the situation, the more she'll like the idea of divorce.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I get it, i do but... then she keeps somehow wanting my "approval" as well for what she is doing you know?
Like today, during a quiet moment she was asking me whether i was "ok" with her going on that trip with her male friend like she was asking for permission kinda? I kept cool and told her that if she really felt like she wanted to do this then she should and that it was not up to me to decide for her. I also told her that i did at first feel a little strange about the whole situation but that after thinking it over, it shouldn't be a big deal which is kinda the truth.
I also told her that if roles were reversed SHE would feel very strange about it to say the least if i were to go off on some trip to a foreign country with a female friend that was supposedly lesbian and even she had to agree there lol.
So yeah, she sometimes is not without self awareness and moments like those make me feel like all hope may not be lost just yet.
Anyways i have to work on keeping my expectations LOWER and yet be a content person by myself, but exactly THAT point is very hard to achieve it seems, since i have ever only felt "complete" with her, so this is a whole new ball game now.
Have you ever considered that she's thinking like a child and is looking to you, as her father figure, for approval?
Crisis people need approval and affirmation from us...but, in this case, I think you responded to her in a very good way. It's good to things back in her court and give her something to think about.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes that did occur to me before, it also feels like that very much at times...
The thing is though, while one moment she does that, she will lash out at me the next, telling me how she can't stand it anymore that i am constantly taking control of everything, her included! That i have always been too dominating in our relationship and that i will not accept anyone else's opinion but my own etc. etc.
While there is truth to all this, she presents it in such an extreme way that it makes my head spin!! She won't take charge for taking care of our son since she is constantly gone and when i take matters into my own hand since there IS no one else anymore, then she will criticize me right after for it, telling me how she would have done it much better!
We really ARE dealing with teenagers here people. Only it's MUCH worse because she is STILL better at managing our household (she was the one that did it before MLC anyway for a good reason) while i just do it because i HAVE to since no one else will, which is fine really, i just wish she would appreciate it a little or at least not nitpick things and start a fight over it again.
But there we go, it's always the same isn't it? She is just provoking me so she can justify her actions and how it really is for the best to go for divorce... maddening stuff, it really is.
1. It is very confusing how she can flip flop on how she acts towards you day to day or even minute by minute. I’m a slow learner and it took me months to detach from the roller coaster. One minute I thought she’s being nice and maybe we’ll reconcile! The next I thought, it’s over—there is no hope! This is why they say you need to find your own center. Stop giving her the power to control how you feel about life...and most importantly, about you. Can you have a great day independent of how your w acts? She is happy and affectionate? You have a great day! She is angry and critical about your every move? You have a great day! This is really hard, but you can do it.
2. My w too was a grade A wife, mother and the home was her castle. And then she checked out and left me to pick up the pieces. There are a lot of us guys here in that boat. I frankly did not know how to cook well, clean well, or take care of the children well. And when I started to do so out of necessity? Yes, all I got was criticism. Ignore all criticism. If she doesn’t like the food you are cooking, she can cook for herself, etc. You’ve gotta figure out how to do this your way. Will she appreciate your efforts? No, not at all and this is why you have to have no expectations.
This is a marathon, so keep your chin up and take one step forward at a time.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I have been following along ever since you arrived. I have not checked in as I have no experience in a sitch like your. My W BD me and kids after Tday supper, revealed her affair and BF, abdonded her kids, and moved in with OM all in the same evening.
Similar to Gordie, the house was W’s domain. She ran it for the last 29 years. I cook no where as good as W did, man what i’d give for one of her dinners again. Sigh. Actually I don’t do any of the thing she did as well as she did.
However, don’t you worry about comparing your efforts to her past accomplishments. You just do the best you can, learn from it, and ignore the criticism. Do it your own way. If she ever does offer something constructive or helpful, pick up on it, thank her, and do it. I am not sure how often that may happen but I suspect it will be seldom.
I do feel for you having to interact daily with the selfish and teenage version of your W. Stay strong, find your center, and remain detached (I’m working on that too).
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Gordie, DnJ, thanks a lot. Just KNOWING that there are people out there that are going through similar things helps me. It helps me because i know i am not alone and i firmly believe that one of the worst emotions a human being can feel is loneliness in all it's iterations, so this helps a lot!
I understand that my situation seems to be somewhat different in that she still stays here and did not move out. Well i guess it has to do with the fact that she knows she can't just leave because it would cripple her financially and she still has the sense to not let that happen. She also wants to keep the house if we were to separate so she'd kinda HAVE to be on at least semi good terms with me to negotiate something ugh.
Recently though i get the feeling that she now kinda wants the best of both worlds, meaning her new exciting teenage life AND the stability of a comfy home, her son and me included.
And surprisingly enough, i can deal better with that situation than i thought for now. I do however, snap on occasions, where i find myself really distressed emotionally which reminds me that this cannot go on forever!
Patience, patience, patience! is the mantra that i keep repeating to myself over and over again these days. This is not the life i want for myself, but it is the life i am willing to accept for now until she snaps out of it either one day or gradually...
That is my hope, not sure just how LONG i can keep this up though !
1. It stinks to think your w is just in it for the house or financial reasons. Sometimes I feel the same way.
2. You don’t need to know how long you can do this. Just ask if you want to do it today? And what are your boundaries?
3. Yes, what you wrote on my thread. Let’s strive to be confident mm who do not need external validation. Does James Bond need someone else to tell him he kicks arse? Heck, no!
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
This really [censored]... today she was home for lunch and then had to leave again briefly after... i told her that i thought it was kind of sad that she is almost never home (since i DO miss her at times) and then she kinda reciprocated by saying that she really doesn't like this situation either and that it is ME who is keeping her at distance and that she doesn't know how long she can take this!
UGH, yeah well, of course i keep her at a distance after what has happened??? She doesn't realize that her heart isn't in it and that she is not "free" for me right now. She is a total mess, constantly tired, depressed, yet is chasing the next kick by going away for a weekend with a friend or by going to the gym every day or whatever.
The thing is: She tells me that by pushing her away like i am supposedly doing, i will destroy our chances at an eventual getting back together. I CANNOT however, bring myself to get back together with her romantically as that would require a level of trust, of intimacy that just is not THERE atm? So we are both stuck neither here nor there.
At a loss here
I guess riding it out is really the ONLY course of action here right? I doubt she would be willing to go to therapy with me...
I don't even wanna ask anymore as that puts pressure on her again and pushes her away even further.
I am going to give you my opinion on your sitch. First off I am not a big proponent of using MLC as an excuse. Everyone on this board could argue to a certain extent that their spouse is going through MLC. We are and our spouses our all fuching adults and are responsible for our actions. "MLCers" don't commit murder right? Why? Because their actions are controllable and they are aware of the consequences when they commit murder.
IMO based on three years of research your main problem is that you are acting like the woman in the relationship and that is a big turn off to your W. For C sakes, she tried seducing you and you rejected her because of your feelings???? You are always talking about your feelings which is feminine energy. You are not acting like the leader of the house which is masculine energy. You are letting her manipulate you mainly because you are afraid to lose her.
Until you start acting like a man that loves and values himself enough to put up with this BS behavior you will see zero change in your sitch. I am 99% sure she is in an A and no she can't go on a trip with another man while she is married to you.
Can you control her? No! But you get to decide what you will tolerate. As Sandi says "get your fuching b@lls out of your Ws purse" and decide what kind of boundaries you are going to set up to protect yourself.
