Lost and desperate think she has closed off

[along]

I just realized that through all my posts I never mentioned that this is my WW's second marriage. Her family told me that many of the things she is doing are the same things her first husband did when they got D. He cheated on her. This may change the thinking how to deal with her.

[sandi2]

We have lots of stuff to sort through before then. I have been making her do all the work with reguards to the D.

Well, she isn't letting grass grow under her feet!

My adult S went through a similar sitch. He was totally blindsided by her A. While he was dazed and confused, she had D papers drawn up. All he had to do was sign them. He gave her everything she wanted, and he walked away with his vehicle and a few personal belongings. So, my advice is to not trust your WW to be fair.

I remember reading your thoughts on WW's and their A's what worries me is that my WW is with someone she has a history with.

This may sound cold, but the reality is, this ^^^^^^^doesn't matter. I think you are agreeing to the D, in hopes that her A will fizzle and she'll want you back. And, that may happen, IDK. Ever since social media hit, there have been countless stories of M people contacting an old high school sweetheart, and an A ensued. They will probably learn very quickly they are not the same kids they were during high school years. But whatever.........you can't live your life watching her love life and holding your breath that she'll leave OM. The OM is not the real problem. The problem is your WW's mindset. In fact, if they ended their A today, she would probably go through with the D anyway. Affairs end, and the WW will often find the next A, and the next. Sometimes, if they are very lucky, something happens that blows the fantasy out of the water, and her brain begins to clear enough for her to realize this life is not what she needs.

You love her. You worry about her drinking. You worry that she will stay with her old sweetheart. You can't shut those feelings off overnight. You really have to make a consistent effort to press forward in focusing on you. It might help you emotionally/mentally to talk with an IC or your spiritual leader. If you are not sleeping or can't eat, see your doctor. It is no disgrace to get help during the most difficult time of your life. Most of the men on the board report how they go to the gym and workout every day, and it really helps dealings with stress, etc.

At the moment, none of what I'm saying may be interesting, due to your state of mind. You will survive this! There is life beyond D! You must take good care of yourself. Having your family's emotional support and love is good. Being around friends who encourage you is important.

I encourage you to set real goals for yourself. These goals do not include or depend upon your W In any form. They are about you, and for the improvement of your life and happiness. Currently, you may think that's impossible without your W, but those are your emotions in high gear. Feel the pain, mourn the loss, but don't give up on your life.

Don't misunderstand and see me as not being pro-marriage. I have been M many years to the same man. I have had painful D all around me, and have seen the destruction it causes. I have also seen lives go on and become very happy again. Mostly, it depends upon how the individual processes it, and turns lose of the past. You aren't ready for that yet, but I'm just saying it's part of the healing.

I don't want to give you false hope. I will tell you that I was a wayward W. I was in an online A, with plans to leave my H. Long story short, I was busted, and my fantasy began to crumble as reality hit. I never physically left my home. I found my way to this board and have been here ever since. My M was saved. It was hard, b/c my heart was still wayward. After I ended my A and stopped contacting OM, it took approximately two years for me to work through my resentments and disrespectful feelings for my H. I was getting tons of information, and I think that is a critical factor. So, the WW can work her way back. She'll need information about why she has these feelings and acted out in rebellion. She will probably need IC/MC to guide her to healing, and in complete reconciliation.

I tell you this, b/c a few WW's reconcile with their LBH's. It is rare. Some cases are more damaging than others. The ones I have seen reconcile successfully, are when the H emotionally lets her go, goes no contact, GAL like crazy, stops focusing on her, and builds a life that does not include her.

[along]

[quote]My adult S went through a similar sitch. He was totally blindsided by her A. While he was dazed and confused, she had D papers drawn up. All he had to do was sign them. He gave her everything she wanted, and he walked away with his vehicle and a few personal belongings. So, my advice is to not trust your WW to be fair.[quote]

She is giving me virtually everything. The one thing she wants in the agreement is I get the house, buy her out, but she can keep the trailer and horse on the property and pay me a boarding fee. This means I will see her when she wants to ride or needs as she calls it "a horse fix". My dilemma is I don't have a trailer or truck to transport my horse without her. I have thought about telling her that she needs to find some other location for them.

I so want to tell her I know she is still involved with the OM even though she claims it is over. She has said "she ended it", "he dumped me", and lastly "he is out of the picture". I know its all about her right now.

Sandi2 you may have said earlier, but how did your H react such that you wanted to make things work?

[MoveFrwd]

Along -

Have you read DR? You talk a lot about the LRT, but Im wondering if you are following the entire process or just looking for that silver bullet. What are you doing as far as who ALONG is?

Also, what does 'detachment' mean to you? You talk about the effects of your detachment on your W, but that doesnt make a lot of sense to me. What types of things are you doing which would indicate your detachment?

[along]

Amoafwl,I have waffled and stumble doing the whole thing. I have read DR alot of it multiple times. I did so many of the things you shouldn't according to DR before I found DB. I struggle with staying on track. I have been very reactive, but not outwardly so she hasn't seen it. I have been working on GAL visiting friends and family doing things with friends. The last few days I have evened out emotionally so I can think clearer.

Detachment has been hard. I know I started out in a good way but backtracked with a response that threw the whole thing off in my head. I haven't been doing the things I need to that puts me in a better place no matter the outcome. Sometimes I feel like giving up. i have let her dictate how I react and I know that is self defeating.

I've been trying to do 180's but so much of our relationship has been sharing things like groceries, cooking, laundry it gets hard to think of ways to do 180's. I know I haven't answered your question. Detachment to me is releasing the emotional reactivity and be myself again. I need to stop doing things for her do my laundry seperate cook sinner seperate and make her see what it will be like when I'm no longer around, however she has been here before with her first husband. She was alone for about a year when we met.

[AnotherStander]

Great stuff from Sandi, her last two posts would make a great sticky as they are the summation of most of what we talk about here in bits and pieces across multiple threads. The only thing I'll add is when a woman gets to that point, she may actually find your actions repulsive. She doesn't WANT your help AT ALL. Early on I snooped on my XW's phone and one of the most shocking things I discovered was a convo she had with her best friend that her worst nightmare was thinking that she might get terminally ill and that I would be the one taking care of her. The woman I spent 25 years with! Me taking care of her was HER WORST NIGHTMARE. It wasn't until maybe a year after our divorce that she started asking me for help again, and she has ever since. So I guess she figured out I wasn't such a horror story after all, LOL!

Anyway my point is what Sandi told you is how your W feels right NOW. Not 2 years ago, not 2 years from now, just right now. It's temporary. You just need to understand that ALL she wants from you is time and space for now. That means her moving out, and it may even mean D. But that doesn't mean it's the end of things unless YOU decide it is.

[along]

After going to the Infidelity/extramarital Affairs/Jealousy topic and reading Michelle's post about some of the advice being posted I have committed the biggest no no and have very likely ruined any chance of ever Recon. with my WW. As I mentioned in an earlier post that I told my WW's parents about the A and I am now connecting what Michelle said below with when my WW decided she was done. I feel like I should take responsibility for this without blaming myself for the whole thing. If she had not strayed I wouldn't have been where I was emotionally. Here again is mister nice guy trying to take over. I know I can't change what I did and she will probably not want to get together again even in the future.

"It has come to my attention that some people on this message board are strongly suggesting advice that runs counter to my Divorce Busting philosophy and practice- the notion of exposing a spouse's affair to family members. While this plan may be helpful to one couple, it would completely backfire in other marriages. I have worked with many couples where the betrayed spouse revealed all the information to friends and family with extremely detrimental outcomes. First, when the unfaithful spouse discovered this had happened, he or she decided to file for divorce and it became a final decision. Secondly, there are those situations where the couple began to heal from the infidelity and get their marriage back on track, but the family members undermined the couples' efforts and even "disowned" the betrayed spouse. This made life-long commitments after infidelity a very challenging outcome because few people like giving up their family and friends. So, while I do believe that betrayed spouses need support from loved ones when dealing with such a distressing situation, it is ESSENTIAL that the information about the affair be shared CAREFULLY and with full recognition about the possible risks. I always recommend that, if information is shared, the person with whom it is shared is marriage-friendly, even in the face of infidelity. Nonetheless, it's still important to recognize potential risks. "

[MoveFrwd]

I have read DR alot of it multiple times.

So what are you doing as far as goals? How are your behaviors changing? You talk about about LRT, which is an action. But how does that relate to your overall growth? The idea isnt that LRT will save your marriage...its more that LRT will give you the space you need to heal and blossom into the best ALONG you can be. Your W is not ever going to come back to have the same relationship with you again - so how are you going to learn and be different this time?

I have been working on GAL visiting friends and family doing things with friends. The last few days I have evened out emotionally so I can think clearer.

How about GAL that involves NEW stuff? a new hobby, meeting new people, etc.

Detachment has been hard. I know I started out in a good way but backtracked with a response that threw the whole thing off in my head. I haven't been doing the things I need to that puts me in a better place no matter the outcome. Sometimes I feel like giving up. i have let her dictate how I react and I know that is self defeating. [quote=along]
Detachment isnt a thing you can just 'do'. Its a feeling or an emotion which comes from doing lots of little actions and habits over time. So what steps are you making towards achieving detachment? NC is a start. GAL is also a start.

[quote=along]I've been trying to do 180's but so much of our relationship has been sharing things like groceries, cooking, laundry it gets hard to think of ways to do 180's.

So is your love language very focused on quality time? What bout all of the other ways in which you interact?

I need to stop doing things for her do my laundry seperate cook sinner seperate and make her see what it will be like when I'm no longer around

Maybe it will be more that YOU can see what its like to do those things when SHEs not around. Im guessing that will help with detachment as well......

[MoveFrwd]

I have committed the biggest no no and have very likely ruined any chance of ever Recon. with my WW.

It is what it is. You say that she said "Im done" right after, but I wouldnt expect that it was just 'because of this'. I think it's her making you out to be the bad guy in her mind....kind of like a confirmation bias. Trust me - if it wasnt this, it would have been something else you did or didnt do that would have been 'the final straw'. So dont beat yourself up too much. All you can control is what you do from this day forward.

[along]

I am going to try to respond to several of the comments and questions from several posts.

Amoafwl, My top 2 Love language's are Quality Time and Physical Touch. I have tried to stay with TLR but I find myself backing off or not following thru because I worry about making mistakes. I have always been way harder on myself than I should be so it will take time to break that cycle.
I know that doing things without her are just as much about me as it is her. Like I said before this is her second marriage so she has been on her own before we met.

Sandi2, You say you think I am going along with the divorce in hopes of the A ending and she wants to Recon. My state is a no-fault state. Are you suggesting that I contest the divorce? Is that to give me more time to work on myself and make her see how I have changed?

"The ones I have seen reconcile successfully, are when the H emotionally lets her go, goes no contact, GAL like crazy, stops focusing on her, and builds a life that does not include her."
Sandi2 were these Recon's after S or D ?

Part of my sitch is I have had surgery which precludes me from working out other than cardio and few other exercises. I have been doing what I can in our basement.