KML, I understand what you're saying. I've observed many friends in the past six months and see how they're not perfect but their husbands still love them and are loyal to them. I still don't see the 'fabulous' part of the new life considering I didn't want this, but I'll try to survive and possibly someday I'll know what fabulous feels like. Thanks so much for your support.
Nicole, I'm glad you're in a better place mentally and emotionally. Soon you will be in a better place physically. You have a lot to look forward to. You are doing the right things, and making sure your daughter knows you love her. Thank you for the update. I've wondered how you are doing.
I think we've all said things in the heat of the moment that we wish we could take back. From what I recall, when he said he wished your daughter had never been born, passions weren't inflamed; he coldly and sincerely said so. I'd really rethink ever wanting to get back together.
I'm not sure it matters what the intentions of your friend are at this point. If he is sincerely just a friend, then good for you! you've found a friend when you need one. If he's looking for something more, then good for you! you may not be as alone in the future as you once thought.
Please do keep us informed.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Nicole, I'm glad you're in a better place mentally and emotionally. Soon you will be in a better place physically. You have a lot to look forward to. You are doing the right things, and making sure your daughter knows you love her. Thank you for the update. I've wondered how you are doing.
I think we've all said things in the heat of the moment that we wish we could take back. From what I recall, when he said he wished your daughter had never been born, passions weren't inflamed; he coldly and sincerely said so. I'd really rethink ever wanting to get back together.
I'm not sure it matters what the intentions of your friend are at this point. If he is sincerely just a friend, then good for you! you've found a friend when you need one. If he's looking for something more, then good for you! you may not be as alone in the future as you once thought.
Please do keep us informed.
Just because it wasn't a moment of heated passion that he said that doesn't mean he meant it. It could have been just said in order to hurt Nicole. I don't know the man, maybe he does really feel that way. But I've said things I didn't really mean when I was calm, just to get a rise out of the other person. Doesn't make it right.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm sorry but no one who says they wish their child wasn't born is a good person, I don't care WHAT the circumstances are. No good parent says those things under any circumstances, and the rest of his negligent parenting supports that.
As for fabulous life Nicole - it'll come when you let go and embrace change. You need to make a vision board - get poster board, and make a collage on it of all your wildest dreams. Put it where you see it every day. You'll be shocked in a few years to see how much has come true.
My husband still insists on a divorce but he's less rushed and angry now. He said things tonight like "you know that 50% of people who get divorced go back to each other right?" He said "I need to get divorced to get a fresh start. I need to feel like I'm making my own choices." He also said when we move
Nicole, I really admire how you get along. The LBS has to both move on and detach and !!! deal with the ambivalence of the leaving spouse !!! Frankly speaking all these make up a huge challenge. Why do some leaving spouses try to soften the sitch with false hopes instead of with some kind of true sympathy?
My husband still insists on a divorce but he's less rushed and angry now. He said things tonight like "you know that 50% of people who get divorced go back to each other right?" He said "I need to get divorced to get a fresh start. I need to feel like I'm making my own choices." He also said when we move
Nicole, I really admire how you get along. The LBS has to both move on and detach and !!! deal with the ambivalence of the leaving spouse !!! Frankly speaking all these make up a huge challenge. Why do some leaving spouses try to soften the sitch with false hopes instead of with some kind of true sympathy?
My XW used to tell me similar things. "Maybe we'll get back together after the D. I have two friends who re-united with their exes." I think it's just something they say to try to get us to chill out and play along.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
My husband didn't mean it but it was still unacceptable of course. I'd rather not remember it again or hear about it because it just makes me feel worse all over again.
I'm not sure if my husband is trying to soften the situation or get me to play along when he talks about re-marrying in the future. My interpretation is that he wants to believe I'll still be here waiting for him in case he ever decides to return, not to make it easier for me but to make himself feel better about what he's doing. It's extremely difficult knowing he's dating someone else but I do want to be friends with him, do activities together with him and our daughter, and anything else we can manage to do as a family up until one of us gets engaged or re-marries someone else.
I'm still hopeful that I can move up North before we get divorced to feel stronger and have more support. Right now that would be the best thing for me, to delay the divorce if possible until I move. I hope my husband will not mention it. It seems he may have financial reasons for delaying it which is fine with me as long as he's providing the financial support we need in the interim.
Hi Everyone, I don't even know what kind of update to offer about my situation lately. For a few weeks, since I last posted, my husband was making a bit more effort to see our daughter. He came several times per week, still only for 15 or 20 minutes, but several times instead of one or none. Then one day he took her to a movie. It was a big shock. He's never done anything like that before. Our daughter said she had fun.
My husband hasn't done anything to file for divorce. Then one day he stopped by to see our daughter and she bumped into a door that was open. Suddenly he got mad at me and said it was my fault the door was open and I should keep it closed. I said "Ok, sorry, I'll keep it closed." His response was "You're an adult, not a five year old child." This was a really rude and abusive type of response. It's not something my normal husband would ever say. Then he came to the living room and told me not to leave my laptop on sofa because our daughter could bump into that too. He looked at me and said "I don't think we'll ever be together in the future. I just want this divorce to go smoothly."
I was really upset about that after I thought we'd made progress towards talking and acting normally together in front of our daughter. I'm moving in a few weeks so last week I asked my husband when I can come to get the rest of my stuff, and our daughter's stuff, from 'his' house. He said I'm not allowed to come. He started shouting at me that he gave me ten chances previously and I never came so now I lost my chance (which isn't true). I told him he signed and agreed in our separation agreement that I could come one last time to get my stuff. He said "fine, you can come tonight and that's your last chance." I told him our daughter would be going to bed in 30 minutes and that wouldn't make sense to keep her awake. I asked why we can't come another time? Then he said he doesn't want our daughter to see the house. He was so angry and rude and as the tears filled my eyes our poor daughter looked so sad and confused. Since that night I haven't said anything about going to the house but I know I have to bring it up again. I'm a legal owner of the house so he can't block me from getting my stuff. I have the key to the house, but unless there's no other choice I don't want to go there without him knowing because he'd find out and this would lead to a bigger fight.
Last week I needed my husband to drive me to a medical procedure in another city and watch our daughter while it was going on. I have no one else to do it and couldn't drive myself. He had already previously agreed several weeks ago to drive me. We went and we didn't really talk much except my husband drives like he's back in his home country and at one point did something crazy and I said "watch out!" He said "I don't miss that." Nevertheless, I appreciate that he drove me and watched our daughter for those two hours.
Then two days later last week my husband called to say he was going to San Francisco for a conference and he'll be back on Sunday. He didn't come to say goodbye to our daughter and then we didn't hear from him for a day or two. I had no idea if it was a real conference or a romantic getaway with his girlfriend. He did call a few times on Saturday to say hi to our daughter though, and yesterday he called to say he was at a chocolate shop buying her chocolate. He then asked how I was doing after my procedure and I said I was great. He said he's happy because he didn't think I'd go through with it. Then we talked normally for a minute or two and I said I had to go. Just for a brief minute or two things seemed normal again.
Last night I had to take my friend to the emergency room where my husband works and when I got back my husband asked how my friend was and I said she was ok. I texted my husband that I respect his career and how stressful and difficult it is. He responded and said thanks.
In three weeks my daughter and I will be over 1,000 miles away, starting our life over again. I don't know how this will affect my husband or our situation. I don't know the status of his relationship with his girlfriend. She deleted her facebook and Instagram accounts (or made them private) so I can't see what's happening there. Perhaps if they were visible and I saw pictures of San Francisco from this weekend I'd know they are still going strong, but I have no way to know. Not that it matters....but I do believe if they break up my husband may get more of a reality check.
I'm still totally lost. I have no idea what kind of job I'll find and I have no financial security. I know I have to move to move on with my life and get out of this terrible apartment we're in just ten minutes from the beautiful mansion where my husband lives. But I just don't know when my husband will pursue the divorce or what he's thinking. There's still a small part of me that wishes he'd change his mind. I still wake up in shock most mornings when I open my eyes and realize this is still happening. There are many, many moments when I just can't believe everything is gone. I'm trying to do everything I can for my daughter to give her a normal life but I'm so sad for her that she's so innocent and her father did this to her. I'm still trying to improve myself in any way possible but it's hard to be a completely different person over night.
I wish I had more knowledge of what's likely to happen once we move. I wish I could understand my husband's recent behavior, shifting between angry and rude to cordial and nice. If anyone has any thoughts I'd love to hear them. Thanks again.
Nicole, I really hope your recovery from your procedure goes smoothly.
You husband's a dick. The sooner you're rid of him, the better off you will be. He spends 15 or 20 minutes with your daughter? And takes her to a movie? So f'ing what? That's not the behavior of a decent parent. He spends a few minutes talking normally to you in between taking his GF to San Fran? so f'ing what? C'mon girl, you don't have to put up with that!
For me, an eye opening moment, and one that changed my feelings for W, was when I realized just how much I made excuses for her inconsiderate, selfish behavior towards me. Talk about helping me detach! And you do that. A LOT. He got angry with you for leaving a door open?!? In YOUR house?!? And you apologized to him?!? You recognize it's abusive and and rude, and you apologized! And then he told you to keep YOUR laptop off YOUR sofa?!? Come on!
Go get your stuff out of YOUR house, at a time that is convenient to YOU. Don't ask him permission. Tell him. It's your house, too. If he doesn't like it, tough.
It's easy for me to sit here behind a keyboard, and tell you that you need to not accept being disrespected. You are not in his country where women are treated like second class possessions. I don't want to sound harsh, but here it is.... you LET him walk all over you. Would you respect someone that let you do that to them? Would you want to stay married to someone that let you do that to them?
You are going to do so well once you get away from this a$$hat. I wish you could see it.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Yes, I'm aware that the current version of my husband isn't someone that's good for my daughter and I. I may not struggle so much if he didn't turn into a totally different person these past few years. The guy I married was so polite, so kind, so engaged for nearly seven years. We did everything together. It's so hard to believe someone can change like this. I guess people here understand it. I'm moving far away in any case and I hope to think the way you do. It's still just very painful.
