At first I felt this was pretty reasonable and actually just realized after agreeing that potential OM scenario.
Did you ever see the movie Hall Pass? You just gave your W a 14 day free pass.
Look man I know this isn't easy and you are new to this, but right now you will do anything to stop the pain, including letting your W test drive a brand new car for 14 days. Then the 14 days is over and she will mostly certainly say "I am not sure what I want ". Then what? Another 14 days?
I did not sleep at all last night, since every time I closed my eyes, I saw them together there doing nasty things. Devastating. If someone has good tips how to come over these visions, I´m glad to receive a hint...
Would you watch a really bad movie over and over again? Of course not. So why do this to yourself? When you start to picture it, picture a big red STOP sign in your mind and turn the channel. Sounds silly but it works.
Exactly what I was going to suggest. I think it's from the book the Happiness Trap?
Originally Posted By: kml
As for the two weeks - you're right, she's trying to buy a little more time with OM. Spend the next two weeks going out with friends and doing fun new things.
I completely agree. She wants a trial period to live with OM, and your response should be to live your own life.
Originally Posted By: GettinT
Thanks for this! Do you remember any reason they found to explain why some women go to "50 shades of gray" directly after sex starved marriage even if they have been the ones keeping it quiet themselves and wanted safety and EC in ML?
From what I recall I don't think they delved too much into that, the point was really that when a rogue wife says she doesn't want to have sex anymore, she means with YOU. She still wants sex, in fact it's probably a rather urgent priority. Often women will "affair down" just to get the sex and attention they're craving.
I appreciate your advice on the accepting 14 days “test drive”!
I adjusted my message accordingly by writing below letter to my wife (word by word translation from our language).
Background is that W sent me these two messages yesterday night and this morning: 1. “Can you please send me your boundaries again in writing – I was so shock yesterday that I don´t remember all. Can you also describe what kind of relationship you want” (clearly this is to compare what OM has to offer) 2. “Could you really love me anymore after all this?”
I replied that I will send her an email answering to these questions. Below is my email – also word by word translation from our language:
”Wife:
You asked if I still could love you after all this.
My love towards you has not disappeared, but unfortunately now it feels like covered with dirt and it takes both of us to clean it. Imagine that love would be like a window that is dirty on both sides. I stand at the other side and you stand at the other side. If only one of us cleans their side, other side remains unclean. To clean our love we both need to work and do our parts and you can tell when the other person starts – she can be seen better. I have done soul searching and I am committed to start cleaning my side and the journey towards each other and forgiveness.
Below are the frames within which I can travel this road:
First of all you need to choose me. I don’t share woman with anyone. If you choose me, you would need to prove to be willing and active in finding your path to me. It means the following things in this order of priority: 1. Disconnect relationship completely with another man 2. Write him the statement with following content: "I want to find back my way to my H, and I will no longer contact you at all. I´m asking you to respect this decision by refrain to contact me either” Please share your statement with me before sending 3. Physically get away from this other man's life so that you do not accidentally collide with him in i.e. hobbies 4. You will be 100% transparent with your phone during the agreed length of time. This means that I´m able to check your phone when I want even if I would not use that right 5. MC continues as planned and we discuss your affair at the next session 6. Raw honesty both ways 7. You initiate conversations that helps us to find our ways to each-others hearts Following are optional which will be started when we both feel that way: 8. Date night 1/month 9. Weekly lunc/dinner/movie etc
(side note, this is where I amended 2 weeks rule): I have also thought that I will not wait for 2 two weeks before taking the next step in my life. If you want to invest in us, it needs to start now.
You also asked what kind of relationship I wanted.
I want a relationship where both spouses feel loved and accepted. Relationship with raw honesty. Playfulness. Safety. Encouragement. I want a relationship with a lot of intimacy, touch and satisfying sex. Adventures but also home evenings. Room to breathe, together and separately.
This is how I want to experience my relationship in the future. If you want to make this happen together with me, let me know me by the end of the week.
Husband”
Explanation on the time frame: I wanted on purpose give her few days to think this through and also maybe get the feeling that she will lose me if she continues with OM. She has the week with kids and OM is not in picture (at least alive – dunno which kind of pics they send via phone).
Also I´m having evening out with my buddy at Saturday so I want her to be at home with kids and maybe get an thought or two of what am I doing or talking with.
KML – a bit along the lines what you described (I have never been unfaithful though).
So, W just answered and she feels that phone transparency is controlling. She says she understands why I ask for it but it feels bad for her - she has always felt very negative against controlling, partly due to childhood issues (she still is controlling herself). I replied her that this is important boundary to me and why (pretty obvious since chatting with OM and who knows what). She added that shouldn’t the trust be build by will to trust and commitment and not controlling. I replied that definitely won’t be build over controlling but openness and phone transparency is a way to demonstrate that. But! I myself am highly against controlling as well and frankly don’t like to snoop anyone’s phone, rather trust. However I think she has lost her luxury to protected phone after Lyon that much. I have never in 15years asked her to show her phone before, but I’m quite certain that OM will connect even if we start piecing - or other way around. So having openness over phone would be important.
What does the board think, should I compromise on this boundary or not?
My current communication is that I insist phone transparency if we start peacing until we feel comfortable in emotional level and intimacy.
Sad to read about your sitch. Take the steps to regain respect from your W. Keep boundaries, do not keep waiting for answers. Start the Gal now. Detatch, take care of your children. Be wise, try to protect yourself from mind readings, as AS says, don´t torture yourself. It is a long journey, take your time for yourself.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I am going to ask you this question again. Why did you not come to the board before you wrote the letter?
"If you choose me" WTF? Is this a contest? Again, I know you are new but you just drew the line in the sand with a lot of $hit I am pretty sure you you are not going to be able to back up. You are already considering wavering on transparency which is the most important boundary with a cheater.
Until she is ready to do whatever it takes to EARN your trust and ANOTHER CHANCE with you IMO you are wasting your time. She is going to test you and these boundaries and if you show weakness you are in for a long painful journey.
I was coming here to write this exact same thing. This is sooooo very weak sounding. Why does she get to have all of the power in this choice? She sleeps around with another man, and youre practically begging for her to stop so she can be with you.
What fear does she actually have that SHE might lose YOU? Why is it so obvious that you are already willing to choose her regardless of what she says or does?
First of all you need to choose me. I don’t share woman with anyone.
Getting, as the others suggested, in the future please post things like this before sending them to your W so we can help you tweak it. That said, I think you did a really great job on the letter. The line above isn't worded well, it would have been better to say something like "For me to consider reconciling, first you will have to firmly commit to working on our relationship and agree to not see anyone else during that time." But overall I think your list is reasonable and exactly what it needs to be for a potential recon.
Quote:
So, W just answered and she feels that phone transparency is controlling. She says she understands why I ask for it but it feels bad for her - she has always felt very negative against controlling, partly due to childhood issues (she still is controlling herself). I replied her that this is important boundary to me and why (pretty obvious since chatting with OM and who knows what). She added that shouldn’t the trust be build by will to trust and commitment and not controlling. I replied that definitely won’t be build over controlling but openness and phone transparency is a way to demonstrate that.
She has been unfaithful and trust is going to be a huge issue for you for quite some time. In order to rebuild that trust she's got to be willing to do things that may feel uncomfortable for her including this phone transparency.
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I myself am highly against controlling as well and frankly don’t like to snoop anyone’s phone, rather trust.
OK well "snooping" is looking at her phone without her knowledge and permission, and that is also "controlling". Looking at her phone WITH her knowledge and permission is neither snooping nor controlling.
Quote:
However I think she has lost her luxury to protected phone after lying that much. I have never in 15years asked her to show her phone before, but I’m quite certain that OM will connect even if we start piecing - or other way around. So having openness over phone would be important.
