25years mlc 10 years pass I FILE #9 LAST LAP

[25yearsmlc]

What you said about H becoming an atheist struck a chord. My W also lost her faith, and things really changed around that time. Granted, she was going through a lot physically, but it makes me wonder. I went to a wedding last summer, and the priest mentioned that in couples that worship together, divorce is very, very rare. I can't confirm the accuracy of that statement, but if it's true, it helps put things in perspective.

There's a statistic that is pretty established that suggests couples who worship together are more likely to see the marriage in a similar light, and that increases the odds of staying married. So yes, going to church and worshipping together is a good thing.

Obviously that became undoable in my m, about 5-6 years ago. I really did not know what to do about it either.

I saw a priest who told me to do my best to model Christian beliefs and not argue about it, so I didn't. I went to mass alone but I went a lot less often. Hard to explain that, other than feeling unsupported and really then, I got lazy I think.

I used to like going together. Anyway, I see a correlation between his anger, his loss of faith, his decisions to turn his back on us, and the lying & deceit that somehow, incredibly, he justified.

But again, I have to remind myself not to apply my values to him. Every time I put myself in his shoes, I am flummoxed by his choices. So it's one of those things wherein I have to remind myself that he does NOT have my values

so there is no "putting myself in his shoes" b/c I don't relate to his values. I don't get it.

I don't get his choices, and I never will.

But we are divorced now, so it's pretty much a done deal. And I'm okay with that b/c in the final analysis, xh did things that were cruel, dishonest, and greedy.

Walking away from our d20 and lying about his "retirement/poverty" and I mean provably lying - stupidly brazen of xh, dang...that's just low. It'll be Hard to come back from that. Remorse and humility are required and it's just not in him.

Xh has always had a problem expressing true gratitude to people. He'd say "thank you" but only rarely, and only for a large favor. He always minimized the appreciation b/c it humbled him even slightly, and the same goes for his apologies. A small one MIGHT come but it never matched the gravity of the wrong. It was odd to me.

I'm not someone who has a problem apologizing, b/c frankly, I assume it's almost a daily requirement b/c I will screw something up. Same goes for "thank yous" because that's also needed. It lubricates life when you say "I'm sorry" and "thank you", life is rougher without those words.

Again, one cannot apply one's own values and standards to someone who does not share them.



Soooo

back to ME and MY plans...which are for now, focused on living abroad this fall.

That's my goal and my hope. It's been on my bucket list for a long time. Getting certified in teaching English overseas, soon. I can add income if desired, by having corporations hire me for business or contract classes, or law in general. I'm headed to a place that allows my dog, (seriously, I LOVE that dog) and that is one factor in choice.

PS

It sure would be nice to get the funding from xh that is supposed to be done within 30 days of the funds being available. Which should have happened by now or very close.

No doubt xh will wait till the 29th day at midnight.

Sheesh, that guy will shake his fist blaming me, and turn from the kids at every turn till he's on his death bed - and then he'll do it some more. He's really disordered. His narrative distorts our marriage beyond recognition and I'm not exaggerating. It's cray cray.

My kids are not waiting for the grand apology and neither am I. I spent too much time in the marriage, waiting for him to wake up and value our family. Not an enjoyable task.

A task that's not mine anymore.

[Jim1234]

There's a statistic that is pretty established that suggests couples who worship together are more likely to see the marriage in a similar light, and that increases the odds of staying married. So yes, going to church and worshipping together is a good thing.

Obviously that became undoable in my m, about 5-6 years ago. I really did not know what to do about it either.

I saw a priest who told me to do my best to model Christian beliefs and not argue about it, so I didn't. I went to mass alone but I went a lot less often. Hard to explain that, other than feeling unsupported and really then, I got lazy I think.

I used to like going together. Anyway, I see a correlation between his anger, his loss of faith, his decisions to turn his back on us, and the lying & deceit that somehow, incredibly, he justified.

I feel exactly the same way about everything you said.

[Maybell]

Living abroad! How exciting! And congratulations on having the divorce finalized.

Like you, I had the decree kind of sprung on me. It arrived in the mail, unannounced. It was curious to me how little emotion I felt when I opened it. It was like the period at the end of the sentence. And the sentence had been so emotional that getting to the end of it was a relief. An odd feeling, to have so much invested in the process and then when the moment arrived when all that work was finalized, it was just flat. EXACTLY the opposite of how I felt about getting married, interestingly.

I read through your whole thread all at once here. I don’t come back very much any more, just to check in on friends like you. I can’t read through all the pages of grief and pain, and see all the stories of people who’ve been treated so badly and who work so hard to hang on to (frequently) abusive situations. So it’s nice to see that although you still have some struggles, you’re on an upswing.

I wish you all the best, lady, and if you run through this thread you’re very welcome over at Surviving. We’re a pretty happy crew.

[25yearsmlc]

Maybell

I so relate to your comment about finding out after the fact, that you're divorced. Anti climatic and though at the time, there was a dull pain, it was very dull, and a lot of me felt numb. Weirdly detached.

Like saying "oh, so I'm divorced... I don't think I had breakfast today..."


It's not consistently like that, sometimes the old anger rises up but it's pretty momentary.

My feeling of life being turned upside down has faded a lot, and evolved into a "past change"...because I'm IN my new life now.

No more transition.

I'm "here" now. And Figuring things out.

My plan about living abroad is two fold. I either get a job here, that involves a lot of travel, or I move overseas to work.

If I find no job from here, I go there in person and look. If I can't find work there, I still go & live more cheaply than here, for maybe a year.

Europe is a priority, but it's not the only one.
There is an expat community there and some military bases where I can avail myself of veteran's activities & other Americans, if need be.

*(Input welcome)*

IF I can get a job elsewhere, like teaching English in Africa or Dubai, I'd take it.

I have about 6 months to decide and implement "The Plan."

As I fill my mind/heart & my life with my Plan ^^^ - (my "GAL")

the divorce, my xh and deep sense of betrayal & injustice, all just lessen in importance.

So, yay!

[25yearsmlc]

sidenote

I was looking for a picture of d20 but came upon a short video of xh. In it, I was filming and egging him on in an act out, and he was pretty darn funny. In the video, I was laughing so hard I could not hold the camera still.

True, I missed THAT version of xh. Or that time we had. But it was more of a wistful feeling, and not such a gut punch grief.

No tears, no sick feeling. Not even wondering about him much, though the question of "does he ever miss the laughs, the way I do?" did arise.

I'm funnier than him (not bragging, just saying) and made him laugh a lot. And he did the same for me, and there's no way - really - that he is laughing as much now. Nor am I.

So yes, I still have those moments. But they don't wrack my brain, and I am shrugging it off more.

I have faith that I'll be with a man who laughs hard with me. For now, it's enough to have my friends and family laughing with me.

[25yearsmlc]

So I'm in "newcomers" forum? What???

That's really odd. Wow, that's a big oversight on my part. Makes me think I wasn't thinking straight when I returned. Yikes.

So I need to switch to the Surviving forum, but am not sure how to link my posts/threads there.

Cadet? Job? Anyone?

(Bueller?)

[SteveLW]

sidenote

I was looking for a picture of d20 but came upon a short video of xh. In it, I was filming and egging him on in an act out, and he was pretty darn funny. In the video, I was laughing so hard I could not hold the camera still.

True, I missed THAT version of xh. Or that time we had. But it was more of a wistful feeling, and not such a gut punch grief.

No tears, no sick feeling. Not even wondering about him much, though the question of "does he ever miss the laughs, the way I do?" did arise.

I'm funnier than him (not bragging, just saying) and made him laugh a lot. And he did the same for me, and there's no way - really - that he is laughing as much now. Nor am I.

So yes, I still have those moments. But they don't wrack my brain, and I am shrugging it off more.

I have faith that I'll be with a man who laughs hard with me. For now, it's enough to have my friends and family laughing with me.

Thanks 25! Such a great post. One of the thing that gives me the most hope is that my wife and I still laugh together! The other night after a long bout of sex, I started using euphemisms for female masturbation. I had her laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes.

I love laughing with her. And the fact that we still laugh together makes me think we have a good chance to make it to R.

[25yearsmlc]

laughing hard together is a huge bonus & bonding factor. I think truly that laughing will only grow in importance to me as I age.

So yes, see comedians and don't repress laughter. It's such a gift

[AnotherStander]

25, your XH is a dick. And I mean that in the worst possible way Glad you're finally rid of him and moving on with your life now.

I so relate to your comment about finding out after the fact, that you're divorced. Anti climatic and though at the time, there was a dull pain, it was very dull, and a lot of me felt numb. Weirdly detached.

Yeah I can relate to that. I was concerned that D would utterly break me down and I was kind of steeling myself for a bad crash. But when I walked out of the courtroom I just felt more of a sense of relief, it was no longer hanging over my head like a dark cloud. A heavy weight had been lifted.

True, I missed THAT version of xh. Or that time we had. But it was more of a wistful feeling, and not such a gut punch grief.

I can relate to this sentiment as well. I miss my old life- my happy marriage, being a parent to my kids, etc. But THAT wife no longer exists, the woman she is now for better or worse is not the person I married. And those little kids that needed so much from me are adults now and two of them don't even live in the same city anymore. So I miss that life, but I know there's no going back to it. I have another life now- totally different, totally unexpected, but nice, pleasant and fulfilling in completely different ways.

I rarely say it here but congrats on your D

[25yearsmlc]

Hi AS,

Thanks for the visit.

This is NOT a linear process.

I have seen or written that^^^^^ hundreds of times around here, but today I FEEL it again.

Had a rough night with bad dreams that woke me up, hurt & angry. And then I heard rumors of a pending marriage with xh and OW (OW#2 or 3 or #50??).

And dang it, it still hurts. It still wounds.

So I'm taking 2 steps forward, one back. I felt detached from the divorce when I learned of it, felt pretty solidly that x h's behavior reflected on HIM, not me. His fooling me did not make me the fool, but made him a really lousy jerk.

Yes, I do have my moments of doubt there^^. And they stink. But usually I'm pretty certain it's true. Meaning, I mostly think and feel that this is on him. My failings as a wife are simply not the kind you leave someone for. I loved him, I was loyal to him, I made him laugh a lot and I did not reject him or nag or criticize him. (In fact, I'm still a bit stunned that he'd choose a place or OW over me. I think the inexplicability may have made this harder.)

Pardon the immodesty, but I'm objectively more attractive than OW, I'm definitely smarter and funnier than OW, I'm far more educated, and we have so much shared history.

But I did not want to live in Alaska again, full time. That was my "flaw."

If I had gone with him, a part of me would have died and that's not me being melodramatic; it would mean that my position on x h's priority list was so low that it would be staring me in the face every day. I would not have been happy anywhere, knowing he did not place value on MY wants and needs if they did not align with his.

Even after 35 years of putting him first, all the moves, all the long hours he worked away from our family, all the promises of TIME to enjoy life "later"

after the next shiny object was attained...and yet he did not want to repay that. He felt no obligation to reciprocate...

So again, I remind myself that this grieving process is not linear. I'm feeling hurt at the moment, but I'll feel better again.

AS, wow, I so understand the feelings of relief about it being done. (Though of course, it's not quite "done" b/c he STILL has not sent the money for the settlement.) So he holds me up, again. Delays MY new life beginning, again.

And For the life of me, I don't understand why there is not a certain date. As opposed to "within 30 days of when the funds are available." WHAT?? When is THAT???)

SO not delighted with my L's...

ANYHOW

this (below) is what I try to remember at moments like these:

1) that x h - whatever he "really feels/wants/needs" is a man capable of cruelty to me and to our children.

2) no indication of change, as he is incapable of giving what we deserve & need, and that I mistakenly stayed with him based on his potential as a spouse, not his actuality.

3) best course of action for me is to get out of his target range for protection; AND

4) to turn this pain and feeling of rejection, over to God.

Schmoopie (OW) gets to have the source of so much pain in my life, from x h. That's the karma I know about.

I am Reminding myself of my worth. Our children & I deserve better than x h can give.


I tell myself these^^ things b/c I believe that "where the head goes, the heart will follow."

It helps.

Thanks for listening.