Gordie #17: deliberately not divorced

[Mach1]

Mach and Ginger,

Let’s start small.

There’s something I want to buy for myself. It's not like a car or a boat or anything but it’s still way more than I have ever spent on myself for anything. I don’t buy it because I am afraid that maybe it’s just vain or I am trying to make myself happy with something material and it actually won’t make me happy at all. I come from pretty humble material roots so I have always been uncomfortable spending much on myself or displays of wealth despite the fact that I make a lot of money. I think of it as self indulgent and that the money could be spent on something else. Or that maybe it is un-Christian and contrary to my own values.

So your fear is filled with guilt..

Start there...

WHY ?

Why would you feel guilty over buying that blow up sex doll err...your purchase ??

You work hard to provide for your family....yes ??

You have worked hard in order to enjoy life....yes ???

Why would you feel guilty when you reward your hard work ???

Do you think that your marriage will be either made or broken because of this purchase ???

Why do you feel that happiness is tied to things ???

Exquisitetobeme,

You are right. I haven’t done those things. But as Mach says, I do have plenty of regrets and self knowledge of what i could have done better as a H. My w has been in crisis for a while and I just kept on as if everything was a-okay. The post that MWD has on where were you when I needed you? I think that describes some of the dynamic between w and me. My initial reaction to her MLC was to either ignore it or convey—what the heck is wrong with you? I didn’t take the time to listen and “be there” for her...and then she went looking elsewhere for an OM who would listen to her.

Regrets...

Failures...

Those things only take away the power that YOU give them...

Could you have done better ??

I am sure that you could have, the same as most of us here..

But allowing HER to be YOUR judge, jury, and executioner is pretty extreme...

What does forgiveness mean to you ???

[Gordie]

Exquisite, Lifetwists, Andrew, DNJ, HaWho, Mach,

That’s very helpful. I think everyone here is pointing out and that I have a hard time seeing is that...I am not excited about life right now. The living one day at a time serves a purpose...an important survival purpose...but maybe all of you are saying...I’m ready for the next step.

I am not happy/thrilled/excited with the way life is right now...but looking on the bright side, life is getting better. I am more self aware and less judgmental and a better father. These are gifts. She stopped two things causing me intense pain. That had a huge effect on my mental and emotional health.

Am I trying to drive forward while looking backwards? Yes. And yes, I’ve analyzed my situation to death. New epiphanies are lacking so maybe it’s time to close that chapter. I’ve learned those lessons the hard way. Don’t forget them, but stop re analyzing.

Am I trying to drive forward while looking at where her car is going? Yes. And how can I not? I am giving her plenty of time and space to do her own thing. But I am also opening myself back up to her—slowly—to see if there is a future for us and if so, what kind of future that may be. I don’t know. I still have hopes that this M can be saved.

***

Journaling:

So it’s been a month since she dropped the D and OM2. I have continued to give her time and space. I am not purauing her. She has been trying to rebuild some of those broken bridges with the kids. I have stayed out of it, but think she is making some progress. She has been pursuing me a little...trying to talk to me more, trying to spend time with me (when we are both at home, not dates or anything). Physical contact has gone from zero to a little bit but nothing intimate.

She has started seeing an IC. She is seeing a specialist who focuses on women’s depression and anxiety. We do not discuss her therapy.

I have not initiated any R talks. She initiated one last night. She bought me a present and acknowledged that the last year was difficult and that she is hopeful that we are going to have a great year this year. She didn’t say she was sorry or anything. She almost never buys me gifts so this was unexpected on many levels. We hugged and retreated to our separated bedrooms.

I have been busy at work, regularly going to the gym, and focused on the kids. I recently got promoted so have more on my plate there. I am happy with my appearance and changed up my hair—something I hadn’t done in years. One of my kids is doing terribly in school so have been trying to work with him to turn things around but he is very rebellious right now. I haven’t been going out with friends as much as I was and should probably take that up a notch.

[Gordie]

And Mach1, the solid gold sex toys were out of my budget, sorry.

[Mach1]

OMG....

A joke...

From Gordie...

: )

[bttrfly]

rose gold is the new trend Gordie ... just sayin

[SBJ]

Gordie, this thread would be much better with pics...haha!

[DnJ]

Gordie, I know you’re on a budget. But don’t get used, insist on brand new. lol

[SBJ]

Gord, Thanks for the positive feedback on my thread. I saw a quote that made me think of you...

There’s more than one way to do things…that, is your way, and you have the right to do that at least once. – Waylon Jennings

[Gordie]

I have been thinking a lot about what you guys have been saying. What Mach1 said, who made her the judge, jury and executioner of my life? Wow, that got me thinking. DNJ and SBJ have also been inspiring in the face of terrible circumstances. Are you guys related? So my w is clearly not ready to work on M and I hope she is working on herself, but that’s on her side of the street. For the most part, we are quite civil. At times, we act like friends and co parents. We do not act like a dating or M couple.

Ok my side of the street, I’ve been walking with a smile on my face and the excitement of coming home to see my kids. Doing my best to enjoy life in all circumstances. I’m doing this for me, not the M. If anythjng, it makes things a little more difficult because w sometimes acts like she is resentful of my success and happiness. But why should her anger and unhappiness drag me down? I read an article about being M to someone who is depressed and it was so descriptive of our current dynamic. Yes, sometimes I’m faking it, but that’s okay too.

The other thing I’ve stopped doing is walking on eggshells. I’m just tired of being afraid that I might say or do the wrong thing that will set her off. That is no way to live. And guess what? Sometimes I do say or do the wrong thing that sets her off. But, for now, it’s better for me and my mental health. No, I don’t like getting yelled at for “the small stuff” but I’m learning not to react and just let it go. The old me would have been mortally wounded and tried to apologize my way back into her good graces but now I see things more clearly and that sometimes (a) I have nothing for which to apologize and (b) it’s really not a big deal and she is just venting at me. Of course, if I actually do something bone headed that warrants an apology, then I give her one.

This is a marathon and I have no idea what mile marker I just passed.

Every day above ground is a good day, right?

[SBJ]

Who says you made it to the first marker yet...just kidding. You are doing what you need to do for yourself to survive. You are running your race. I guess slow and steady wins the race...at least it did for the tortoise. Right?

I hope you have a great weekend. I wish I could read that article you talked about. I'm sure we are all in that boat.

As to your question if DNJ and I are related, all I can say is that all of us are related. I truly feel a brotherhood and with you guys as we are all walking the same path.