Holding, we were separated all of last year, and during the support conference, I was asked how I planned to file, to which I replied "married filing singly", so I'm pretty sure it's not community property.
FC an J9, I like the idea of splitting the difference between what I would get myself and what we would get together proportionally. I'll propose something along those lines. At this point, if she is difficult, I'll just take my refund and be happy with it.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
S17 turns 18 on Saturday. (He's throwing himself a party at W's house. I've given him money for drinks, snacks, decorations, etc., but won't let him have the kinds of parties at my house that W will.)
My daughter has plans tomorrow night, so I gave him a birthday dinner at my house tonight. I invited W and S17s godparents to dinner, and two good friends of ours for cake, and he asked if two of his friends could come. Of course I said sure.
It went well. I told people to come at 7, we chatted for half an hour while I finished things up, sat down 10 minutes later than I expected. Dinner was really good. Good food, lively, pleasant conversation, delicious cake. At the end of the evening people were trickling out. W got up to leave, said a very pleasant goodbye, and left. Spent a little time cleaning up, and now the house looks great again.
And I feel good. It was well planned, I did well with the food and cake, and feel pretty disassociated from W. She came over, saw the house neat and clean, ate tasty food, served on time (!), saw me happy. I did not pursue her, and was very cavalier when she left. The best part is, I don't care very much about anything I just said.
I stopped by S17's godparents yesterday afternoon for a bit, and we got to talking about W. They don't understand her anymore any better than I do, but they confided that, in talking to our children, it seems like W isn't doing very well. I care, but just kind of shrugged my shoulders. Not my problem anymore.
I'm still a little bit bitter, and still a little bit angry, but it's getting much better.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim, that is really nice you did that! Sounds like you did everything perfect. I’m sure your son was happy. What do you think isn’t going well for your wife? I hope tonight gave her some second thoughts.
Nicole, I don't know if everything was "perfect", but I know my son appreciated it, and enjoyed himself.
As far as W, when she lived here, she slept on the loveseat in her smoking room, saying she didn't want to sleep in the bed with me. One of the reasons she gave for wanting to D was that she wanted to sleep in a bed again. But now she has her own house, and her own bed, and still watches TV until she falls asleep in the loveseat. She's confided that she's having trouble paying her bills. Mid February, and she still has her Christmas tree and decorations up. When asked over Christmas by her godmother how her mother was, D16 apparently replied, disgustedly, "Aunt Xxxx, I'M the mother."
I doubt tonight gave her any second thoughts at all. I expect she is so convinced she was right to leave, her subconscious won't entertain the notion that she might have been wrong. I'm pretty sure she still suffers from depression, but she won't believe me. "I've been through depression, and I know what being depressed is like. I am NOT depressed."
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
My daughter has plans tomorrow night, so I gave him a birthday dinner at my house tonight. I invited W and S17s godparents to dinner, and two good friends of ours for cake, and he asked if two of his friends could come. Of course I said sure.
Good on you dude! IMO this is what being a great co-parent is all about. Your W got to see your positive, happy and I will continue with my great life vibe!
S turned 18 four days ago. Yesterday W gets called to school. S18 is being arrested at school for possession with intent to sell. He and a friend came to class reeking of pot, and the teacher called the cops. The car (MY car, that I let him use, that could have been impounded) reeked of pot from the outside, giving them justification to search the car. They found baggies, scales, bong, and enough pot to charge him with intent. Apparently he used his birthday money to buy a large amount (volume discount!) that he and his friends were going to split. They arrested him right in front of W. Handcuffs and all.
She got him out of the police station, took him to the car, and they drove home. I sent him a text saying "As badly as you have f'ed up, I just want to tell you that I still love you." He replied, and is very optimistic the charges will be dropped, or at least reduced significantly.
She called me about 6, and we talked about it for a little bit. 10 day suspension from school. She's worried, but at the same time, minimizing it. We agreed that he should still continue to get up and drive D16 to school. When she asked how I felt, I told her I didn't want him driving MY car anywhere except back and forth to school, or on any errands we want him to go on, but not over to his friends houses, the friends to whom he was going to sell the pot. She kind of gasped, and asked "so you're going to ground him until he goes to college in the fall?" in kind of a snooty voice. Unthinking, I replied, "Yes." That's not really what I meant, but before I could explain that I had no problems with his friends coming over and driving him places (after an appropriate period of grounding), I just don't want him taking my car, she said, "I just can't talk to you any more right now," and hung up.
We have different outlooks in how severe their punishments should be. In the end it always feels like it goes her way, because I feel like she won't enforce anything I say at her house.
Oh man Jim, so sorry to hear that. As far as blocking him from hanging out with those particular friends, I'm just going to share a story of what my brother is going through this week:
His daughter got in with "the wrong crowd" and started drinking heavily and doing drugs. My brother and his XW were both of the mind that "if she's going to do that I would rather her do it at home so I know where she is" and welcomed her shitty friends into their respective homes. She started failing classes, skipping school, couldn't hold a job, etc. But hey, at least they knew where she was! (rolling eyes) So she finally decided to wise up and try to get into the Navy where she would be FORCED to have some discipline in her life. She tried out and was accepted and stayed clean through boot camp and got her station assignment. I think it was in Chicago? My brother is here in TX. Anyway she got her first leave recently and went home to visit and guess what? She had a nice little drinking and drugs party with her old friends RIGHT IN MY BROTHER'S HOUSE. And yes, basically with his permission although he pretends to not know drinking and drugs were involved (ummm, what did you think they were doing, playing Monopoly?) Anyway long story short, he called me a few days ago and said she failed a drug test and got kicked out. So where does that leave her? Who the hell knows.
My point being- take this thing with your son very seriously even if your W doesn't. Bring the hammer down on his hanging out with those friends. Be loving, but very clear and firm. Draw boundaries and give him the consequences of breaching them. Stick to your guns. Hopefully you get buy-in from your W, but if not then you've got to be the discipline.
I've just got to add a little more to the above story, my brother complained for a year or more about how his daughter and her friends would come to his house and drink all his beer. He'd buy himself a case which would last him a month and they'd drink it all in one night. Plus they would raid the hard liquor and drink all that too. I seriously wanted to slap my brother, who's fault does he think that is??? WHY did he constantly replenish his drink supplies and let them come over AGAIN? Why did he never discipline an underage HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT for this kind of behavior?
With my kids there was never a second chance on that crap and they knew it. My XW accused me of being too hard on the kids and claimed it was one of the reasons for BD, but then later she calls me (on multiple occasions) to discipline them saying "they will only take you seriously, they never listen to me." Oh the irony, what is it, a "fault" of mine or a "strength"? Bottom line- stay true to your character and don't let a WAS or anyone else convince you to compromise your morals.
AS, thanks for that. W lets them get away with stuff like that at her house. I don't, so all parties take place at her house. I am trying to work with her to come up with some consistent punishment, and rules. We'll see what happens.
He came by today and we had a long, frank talk. He is very contrite, totally accepted responsibility for his actions, recognizes the magnitude of the issue, and accepted the consequences without comment or complaint. We talked about why he started, and discussed how to address those issues, and he's on board, enthusiastic, even. Of course, he could just be blowing sunshine up my ass, but time will tell.
There are also consequences among his friends, and at school that have been pretty devastating for him, probably more so than any thing I could have done. All in all, the punishments are pretty severe, whether W enforces what we agree upon or not.
I'm texting with W some today, after our conversation last night. I admit she understands our kids better than I do, so I'm trying to hear what she has to say. I am hoping to get together tomorrow to discuss things like how we are going to file our taxes, and I am going to suggest moving the settlement process forward.
Getting back to the topic of my D, I know I have been hoping that she would have an epiphany and accept her part in the collapse of our marriage, and work with me to fix it, but I've lost that hope recently. I guess it just waned over time.
Maybe because I realized that when I talk to people about her, I do a lot of apologizing for her. I'm realizing just how messed up our relationship was.
I was at her house on S18's birthday. It was a mess. Crap everywhere, and literally, there was dog $hit under the dining room table. I mentioned it, and she said oh, yeah, she thought the dog had done it last night. So she knew about it, and just didn't bother to clean it up. I just don't want to live like that any more.
She just went home to help her mom, and I guess I had hoped that in talking to her mom, she would realize that I wasn't the cause of her problems, and she'd come back with second thoughts. That was obviously a pipe dream.
And working on my taxes has also been good. I've realized that being married, filing separately has a much worse tax rate than single, jointly, or head of household. I now have to give her a say and convince her to file jointly to maximize my refund. If I were single, I wouldn't have that issue, and my refund would be just as big.
Also, we have to get the D finalized before 2019, or alimony won't be deductible to me.
So, I'm growing, and moving on. After all, Divorce is just a piece of paper, right?
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
